Everyone hates hecklers... except for themselves. There is much discussion as to how to deal with them. As a stand-up comedian, I have noticed seven distinct types of hecklers:
1) DRUNKS - The basic drunk is by far, the most common type of heckler. In the drunks' minds, there is no show going on. It's just a big party, and for some reason, that guy with the microphone keeps dominating the conversation. They don't want to hear you satirize politics or make whimsical observations about relationships. They want you to party with them. Their favorite joke goes something like this: "YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!!" The best way to deal with the drunks is to yell "yeeaahhh!" back at them just enough to placate them, and then say, "All right, that's enough, now back to my story..."
I have noticed that drunks tend to live in an alternate reality where completely different rules of social conduct apply. Take dance clubs for example. If you're on the dancefloor barely moving, sober people think you're very cool and in control, and drunks think you're too shy or uptight to bust loose. On the other hand, if you throw your body around wildly, lacking any semblance of coordination or regard for others' safety, sober people think you're an asshole, but drunks think you're "the life of the party." But I digress.
One good thing about drunk hecklers, however, is that if they completely ruin your show, you can easily beat the shit out of them afterward, because their reflexes are are so slow.
2) CHATTERS - These people are absolutely convinced that they are invisible. They hate it when the noise of jokes and laughter interfere with their conversations with the people sitting next to them, or worse, on the cell phone. Phrases like, "turn your phone off," "respect the other patrons," or "hey you, shut the fuck up already," are completely wasted on them, because they're sure that these requests are directed at somebody else. If you point directly at them and call them out, they look behind themselves to see who you're talking to. And if you are so bold as the actually get down off the stage, walk over to their table, and tap them on the shoulder, they look shocked, as if you had just stepped out of the TV screen into their living room, and then become offended as if you're making them participate in an enviroment they wanted to exist independently from. My best recommendation for dealing with the chatters is to simply shoot them, because anything less will not be effective.
3) HELPERS - Apparently, nobody explained that stand-up comedy is not a collaboration. These are the people who shout out their own punch lines to your jokes. If you try to explain that you already had a punch line, they usually say something like, "Oh, I didn't know you thought of that. I was just trying to help you out." I wonder what sort of comics these people expect to see, who walk onto the stage, say a setup to a joke, and DON'T have a punch line in mind. I don't claim to be the greatest comedian of all time, but seeing as how I've been working on this routine for several months, and this person only heard the setup a few seconds ago, I'd say it's a pretty fair chance that the punch line I thought of is better than the one he came up with.
Of course, there are exceptions. I once did a joke making fun of the phrase "essential oils." What's so essential about them? I asked (rhetorically) what kind of oil is essential. Some person in the back yelled "butt lube!" I was slightly annoyed, but I had to give credit, because it was way funnier than what I was about to say, which was "motor oil." But please, keep in mind that this was the ONE time someone shouted a punch line that was better than mine. Every other time, the audience's contribution wasn't as good.
The best way to deal with the helpers, is to just tell them flat out that you don't need help from them. Nine out of ten times, they'll listen.
4) TROLLS - This is what most people think of, when they hear the word "heckler." These people don't care who is on stage or what the joke is. They just come in with the mind set that at regular intervals, they're going to yell the most brilliantly crafted zinger ever conceived by man, which is usually something like "you suck." You can try to insult them back, but as long as the show is about them and not you, they're winning. The best course of action is to have a bouncer escort them out. Don't try to outwit them. It's like trying to play chess with a wolverine.
One thing a lot of comics say to do is to call the troll up on stage. I think this is just plain stupid. The theory is that a troll, when put on the spot, will suddenly become shy and self-concious, despite the fact that up until now, they've been trying to be the center of attention. If you call a troll up on stage, they'll feel so good about themselves just for having the honor of being in a spotlight for a few moments, that they'll be talking about it for years to come. I cannot stress this enough. Calling them on stage to shut them up DOES NOT WORK.
5) CATCH-PHRASERS - I have tried and tried, but I just can't understand what goes on in the minds of these people. These people usually have a favorite personal catch phrase which they think is hilarious to yell out, usually as an indication that they like something. I have heard "oo-wee," "mucket," and most bizarre of all, "sweet berry wine," called out repeatedly throughout the course of a show. I suppose they're expecting the same type of recognition as Arnold Schwarzenegger gets when he says "I'll be back," but it's just not the same coming from someone we've never heard of, repeatedly, without any context, and during someone else's show.
Another variation of the catch-phraser is the person who quotes related catch phrases, almost like some sort of psychotherapy word association. The worst part is, they actually enjoy the show this way. I once did an open mic during which I didn't even have to get through a setup. I could say anything, regardless of whether it was a joke or not, and this one woman in the front row would enthusiastically yell out something related. If I started a joke with "I saw a cat," she'd yell "here kitty kitty," and be perfectly happy with this as a form of live entertainment. After this sort of thing happing several times, I started to tell a joke about McDonalds, to which she cheerfully sang "Have it your way!" I paused, looked her square in the eyes, and said, "That's BURGER KING, you idiot!" It shut her up... for a minute.
Honestly, I don't know what's the best way to handle these people, other than having a friend in the audience walk over and smack them.
6) TOPIC SUGGESTERS - There is a huge difference between stand-up comedy and improv theater, and these people can't seem to figure out the difference. They apparently think that we comics walk onto stage with no plan, but have the ability to make up a complex funny routine about any subject on the spot. I once did a routine about the Declaration of Independence. (Admittedly, not my best routine.) Anyway, while I was doing this set, one person in the back shouted "World of Warcraft!" Did this person honestly think that I was going to suddenly stop doing a routine about the Declaration of Independence, and jump into an equally funny, if not better routine about World of Warcraft? Did this person think I was a human television, and that it was somehow possible to change my channel? The way I figure it, this person either thought I could make up a routine on W.O.W. on the spot, or else thought I had a W.O.W. routine ready to go, just in case someone asked for it.
I probably could have said, "I'm sorry, but I don't have a joke about World of Warcraft," which would have made these people think I was an inadequate comic, not being prepared for every possible, albeit improbable suggestion. But instead, I just got pissed off and yelled at the guy. To this day, I don't know why it pissed me off that much.
7) CRITICS - Very straightforward. If they don't like something, they tell you why they don't like it right in the middle of the show. It's as if in their minds, the show hasn't started yet, and they're just there to help you rehearse. In these cases, I suggest politely saying, "Hold your suggestions and comments until after the show has finished." Then when they come to you after the show to give you notes, I suggest stabbing them.
The most frustrating critics are the ones who have NEVER done stand-up before in their lives, but somehow, know EVERYTHING about how to do it. If you suggest they try it at an open mic to test their theories, they always say they'd be too shy to get up on stage. Apparently, they think that the only difference between a professional comedian and everyone else is a lack of shyness, but the understanding of writing material, timing, delivery, etc. are all common sense. I've heard some of the WORST advice from non-comedians, like "sing country songs in the middle of your act," or "talk about the worst you've ever been injured," or "try to find a way to make having a dog relateable to people," or "the audience wants to know what you were doing BEFORE you saw the bear; how about you were looking for your grandmother's missing foot."
?) MISCELLANEOUS - Ever have a guy walk up on stage during your set, and ask if he could try on your shirt? It happened to me once, and I had no idea how to respond. (To be fair, it was a very nice shirt.)
Tuesday, June 12, 2012
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Fashion Tips for Women from Men
I think it's safe to say that all of the fashion magazines for women are either written by flamboyantly gay European men or women who have been living in the fashion world so long, that their brains have turned to plastic. The irony is that most of the articles in these magazines (or magazine-type shows and websites, because who reads paper magazines anymore) seem to be implying that the goal is to be more attractive to heterosexual men. Yes, some magazines do offer "a man's point of view," but these articles are almost entirely written by women or by men being told what to say by the women in charge of the magazine. (And no, that's not conjecture. It's a fact. I saw it on "Penn & Teller's Bullshit.")
Anyway, it got me to thinking... What if straight men wrote for women's magazines, and told women, right out, what it is that we want? So here is my idea of a women's fashion magazine written by a straight man:
THE HOT NEW CLOTHING FASHIONS FOR THIS YEAR: What's wrong with the clothes you wore last year? Really, what you've got on now looks fine.
HOTTEST NEW SHOE FASHIONS: It doesn't matter. We never notice your shoes. The only guys who pay attention to women's shoes are fetishists, and unless you're a fellow freak, you're probably better off avoiding those guys. Just wear whatever you want. (But if you choose to wear high heels, don't come compaining to me later that your feet hurt, because it's your own damn fault.)
DIETING TIPS: Don't bother. You get cranky and irritable when you're hungry. Plus, if you go on a diet, then you'll probably expect me to go on a diet too. Besides, chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and fatty foods make your tits and ass bigger. Eat more junk food.
HOW TO GET THE PERFECT BODY: There isn't one. Some guys like skinny women, some guys like fat women, some guys like muscular women, but the majority of guys like average-looking women. (Surprised? Don't be. That's how it got to be the average in the first place.) I don't know anyone, though, who is attracted to a skeleton, so as long as you're not starving, you should be okay.
SEX TIPS: Here's how you can drive your man wild in the bedroom. Show up. Honestly, we're just glad that you're a part of this. Of course, if want to do something really wild for those special occasions, just ask your man to go through his mental rolodex of crazy ideas he got from porno movies (every guy has this), and pick out whichever one is the least illegal.
THE SEXIEST NEW LINGERE: The easier it is to get it off of you, the better. I recommend a towel.
THE PERFECT SCENT TO ATTRACT A MAN: Food.
STUCK IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP?: If your man is an asshole, here's a surefire way to improve your life. Step one: Kick his ass. (If he's bigger and stronger than you, which isn't as common as it used to be, you may have a friend kick his ass for you.) Step two: Stop dating him, or anyone similar to him. Step three: Date someone who is not an asshole. I recommend myself.
COMPATIBILITY QUIZ: 1) Do you like him? 2) Does he like you? 3) Seriously, do you need a third question? Put down the quiz, and stop trying to ruin a good thing.
HOW TO GET YOUR MAN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT: Here's a novel idea. Drop the cryptic bullshit and just tell him. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually does work.
MAKE-UP TIPS: I won't lie. Some guys like goth chicks, some guys like glamour gals, and some guys like the girl-next-door look... But there are NO GUYS who like a woman to hog the bathroom for three hours getting ready! So let's pick the lesser of two evils, and go au natural.
HOW TO FIND THE PERFECT GUY: There is no such thing. Seriously, you might as well be looking for a unicorn. You want a guy you'll be happy with? It's a three-step process. First, look at all the guys who listen to most of the same kinds of music that you like. Generally, people who like the same music have most of the same interests in other areas. Second, cross off all the guys who are drunks, rapists, cheaters, stalkers, deadbeats, wife-beaters, drug-addicts, or have other personalities living in their heads. (Despite what you've seen on the Lifetime Network, there aren't that many.) Third, select from the remaining list whoever is the least unpleasant to look at, and there you go.
BUT SHOULDN'T I BE DEDICATING MY LIFE TO SPENDING LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY SO THAT I CAN LIVE UP TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY, AND JUSTIFY IT BY SAYING THAT I'M DOING IT ALL FOR MY MAN (EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER NOTICES), OUT OF THE FEAR THAT I MIGHT LOSE HIM AND FIND MYSELF *GASP* SINGLE FOR A SHORT WHILE?!: Ummmmmm.... No.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR. I'M NOT A FEMINIST, SO YOU CAN JUST BE YOUR HONEST SELF AROUND ME. NOW, HONESTLY, YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO MAKE MYSELF PRETTY FOR YOU, WHILE YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL I SNAP AND STAB YOU, RIGHT?: Uhhhhhhhhhhh....... Fine, whatever. I give up.
Well, that about sums it up. By the way, if you're a man taking fashion advice from gay men ("Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"), then I advise you to take a look at how badly women have been torturing themselves to live up to what they've been brainwashed to think that straight men want, and then ask yourself, "Do I trust the same gay guys to tell me how to torture myself to live up to what they think that straight women want?" Yeah, I didn't think so. The only people who should be taking fashion advice from gay guys are other gay guys.
And ladies, if you feel the urge to tell us to "stop doing the nice guy routine," because we think it's what you want from us... We know already! We're not pretending to be pussies to get laid. Some of us really are pussies. You think we haven't noticed women fawning over the hunky athletic guys? We're not blind. Telling us it's okay to be more like a "real man," is like telling women that it's okay to be a slutty cheerleader.
One last thing I have to point out. There is no problem in society with the standard of beauty for women. Go on any homemade porn site, and you'll see the most honest comments from everyone about what we actually find attractive. You might be saying to yourself, "But don't young girls have an obligation to look like fashion models, which is why they become annhorexic or bullemic?" No, dipshit. Eating disorders are signs of a neurosis, not a cultural problem. Compuslive hand washers aren't caused by trying to live up to watch catalogs. Get these people some medical help. Adding an extra five pounds to a person whose job it is to show us clothes, and calling it an "attainable goal" is not the answer! Really, what is a model anyway? It's just a human being doing the job of a hanger. I don't know where we got this idea that anyone should be trying to look like them. What next, are we going to start using shorter basketball players, taller jockeys, and thinner sumo wrestlers, so that guys don't feel like our goals are unattainable? There's no such thing as an attainable goal, because everyone's body is different. And don't get me started on the Barbie dolls. I had an Optimus Prime as a kid, but you don't see me suffering an inferiority complex because I'm not a thirty-foot-tall shapeshifting robot. Okay, I'm done now.
Anyway, it got me to thinking... What if straight men wrote for women's magazines, and told women, right out, what it is that we want? So here is my idea of a women's fashion magazine written by a straight man:
THE HOT NEW CLOTHING FASHIONS FOR THIS YEAR: What's wrong with the clothes you wore last year? Really, what you've got on now looks fine.
HOTTEST NEW SHOE FASHIONS: It doesn't matter. We never notice your shoes. The only guys who pay attention to women's shoes are fetishists, and unless you're a fellow freak, you're probably better off avoiding those guys. Just wear whatever you want. (But if you choose to wear high heels, don't come compaining to me later that your feet hurt, because it's your own damn fault.)
DIETING TIPS: Don't bother. You get cranky and irritable when you're hungry. Plus, if you go on a diet, then you'll probably expect me to go on a diet too. Besides, chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and fatty foods make your tits and ass bigger. Eat more junk food.
HOW TO GET THE PERFECT BODY: There isn't one. Some guys like skinny women, some guys like fat women, some guys like muscular women, but the majority of guys like average-looking women. (Surprised? Don't be. That's how it got to be the average in the first place.) I don't know anyone, though, who is attracted to a skeleton, so as long as you're not starving, you should be okay.
SEX TIPS: Here's how you can drive your man wild in the bedroom. Show up. Honestly, we're just glad that you're a part of this. Of course, if want to do something really wild for those special occasions, just ask your man to go through his mental rolodex of crazy ideas he got from porno movies (every guy has this), and pick out whichever one is the least illegal.
THE SEXIEST NEW LINGERE: The easier it is to get it off of you, the better. I recommend a towel.
THE PERFECT SCENT TO ATTRACT A MAN: Food.
STUCK IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP?: If your man is an asshole, here's a surefire way to improve your life. Step one: Kick his ass. (If he's bigger and stronger than you, which isn't as common as it used to be, you may have a friend kick his ass for you.) Step two: Stop dating him, or anyone similar to him. Step three: Date someone who is not an asshole. I recommend myself.
COMPATIBILITY QUIZ: 1) Do you like him? 2) Does he like you? 3) Seriously, do you need a third question? Put down the quiz, and stop trying to ruin a good thing.
HOW TO GET YOUR MAN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT: Here's a novel idea. Drop the cryptic bullshit and just tell him. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually does work.
MAKE-UP TIPS: I won't lie. Some guys like goth chicks, some guys like glamour gals, and some guys like the girl-next-door look... But there are NO GUYS who like a woman to hog the bathroom for three hours getting ready! So let's pick the lesser of two evils, and go au natural.
HOW TO FIND THE PERFECT GUY: There is no such thing. Seriously, you might as well be looking for a unicorn. You want a guy you'll be happy with? It's a three-step process. First, look at all the guys who listen to most of the same kinds of music that you like. Generally, people who like the same music have most of the same interests in other areas. Second, cross off all the guys who are drunks, rapists, cheaters, stalkers, deadbeats, wife-beaters, drug-addicts, or have other personalities living in their heads. (Despite what you've seen on the Lifetime Network, there aren't that many.) Third, select from the remaining list whoever is the least unpleasant to look at, and there you go.
BUT SHOULDN'T I BE DEDICATING MY LIFE TO SPENDING LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY SO THAT I CAN LIVE UP TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY, AND JUSTIFY IT BY SAYING THAT I'M DOING IT ALL FOR MY MAN (EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER NOTICES), OUT OF THE FEAR THAT I MIGHT LOSE HIM AND FIND MYSELF *GASP* SINGLE FOR A SHORT WHILE?!: Ummmmmm.... No.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR. I'M NOT A FEMINIST, SO YOU CAN JUST BE YOUR HONEST SELF AROUND ME. NOW, HONESTLY, YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO MAKE MYSELF PRETTY FOR YOU, WHILE YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL I SNAP AND STAB YOU, RIGHT?: Uhhhhhhhhhhh....... Fine, whatever. I give up.
Well, that about sums it up. By the way, if you're a man taking fashion advice from gay men ("Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"), then I advise you to take a look at how badly women have been torturing themselves to live up to what they've been brainwashed to think that straight men want, and then ask yourself, "Do I trust the same gay guys to tell me how to torture myself to live up to what they think that straight women want?" Yeah, I didn't think so. The only people who should be taking fashion advice from gay guys are other gay guys.
And ladies, if you feel the urge to tell us to "stop doing the nice guy routine," because we think it's what you want from us... We know already! We're not pretending to be pussies to get laid. Some of us really are pussies. You think we haven't noticed women fawning over the hunky athletic guys? We're not blind. Telling us it's okay to be more like a "real man," is like telling women that it's okay to be a slutty cheerleader.
One last thing I have to point out. There is no problem in society with the standard of beauty for women. Go on any homemade porn site, and you'll see the most honest comments from everyone about what we actually find attractive. You might be saying to yourself, "But don't young girls have an obligation to look like fashion models, which is why they become annhorexic or bullemic?" No, dipshit. Eating disorders are signs of a neurosis, not a cultural problem. Compuslive hand washers aren't caused by trying to live up to watch catalogs. Get these people some medical help. Adding an extra five pounds to a person whose job it is to show us clothes, and calling it an "attainable goal" is not the answer! Really, what is a model anyway? It's just a human being doing the job of a hanger. I don't know where we got this idea that anyone should be trying to look like them. What next, are we going to start using shorter basketball players, taller jockeys, and thinner sumo wrestlers, so that guys don't feel like our goals are unattainable? There's no such thing as an attainable goal, because everyone's body is different. And don't get me started on the Barbie dolls. I had an Optimus Prime as a kid, but you don't see me suffering an inferiority complex because I'm not a thirty-foot-tall shapeshifting robot. Okay, I'm done now.
Friday, March 9, 2012
Status Symbols
What are status symbols for today? What charactaristics make you seem more respectable than the average person? If this were a perfect world, the list of priorities would go something like this:
1. Compassion
2. Honesty
3. Work-Ethic
4. Courage
That is to say, that in a perfect world, a kind liar would be more respected than an honest asshole, an honest lazy person would be more respected than a hard-working liar, a hard-working coward would be more respected than a lazy brave person, and anything after courage wouldn't be taken into consideration. Sadly, we do not live in a perfect world. In the real world, the list goes more like this:
1. Misfortune
2. Intelligence
3. Taste
4. Positivity
5. Age
Starting with misfortune, it is largely accepted that the most recognition tends to go to the person in the room who has had the worst things happen to him in his lifetime, preferably recently. A conversation would go something like this:
"Did you hear about Bob? He lost his job, his wife left him, and he has a stomach flu."
"Wow, God bless him. He's a good man."
"Yeah, but then he won the lottery."
"What? That bastard!"
It has gotten to such a point that even those things previously considered good, now have to be validated by putting a negative spin on them. A person gets a paid vacation, and has to say, "I'm going to be bored all week," or "I'm going to be so busy with housework, I won't even enjoy it." Otherwise, he might sound like he's gloating over his good fortune. Even being a unique individual now has to be explained as a neurological disorder. You see a person cleaning up the place, and he has to excuse his seemingly good gesture by saying that he has OCD. He knows that having a brain defect of some sort is more socially acceptible than just being tidy.
With all misfortune being equal, the second priority is intelligence. For most people, intelligence is not measured by education, memory or ability, but rather by a keen grasp on the nature of the real world. People generally measure this by cynicism and/or frugality. The more money you save, the smarter people will think you are, even if this means avoiding acts of charity. You give money to a homeless person, and people look at you as if you thought you were making some sort of really bad long-term investment. As for cynicism, the idea is that if you expect the worst, people think you know what's going on, but if you expect the best, people tend to think of you as naive. Banking on getting that promotion, or the girl you like saying yes, or there being a God, are all signs that you might be unaware of the incredible risks of setting yourself up for a disappointment. People look at you as though Murphy's Law is a real force in the universe, of which you are ignorant. If you really want people to think that you've been paying attention to the world thus far, you'll put on the guise of a pessimist, or better yet, a nihilist.
The old saying goes, "In matters of taste, there can be no dispute." Well, the person who said that has never been on the internet. People often judge one another on whether or not they like the same movies, music, books, TV shows, video games, shopping centers, and so on. The rule of thumb is that when there is a disagreement on a particular item, status goes to the person who dislikes the item more. Nobody wants to be the guy who likes something that another person dislikes:
"I really like that new Harry Potter movie."
"That movie sucked."
"Um... yeah... I thought so too."
This is why so many people play it safe, and just automatically hate everything. If you hate every single thing in existence, the only way you can be trumped is by someone who hates everything in existence, but expresses their hatred more vehemently than you do.
The next item on the list is positivity. You might think that having a positive attitude contradicts the cynicism and glorification of misfortune previously mentioned. However, in this case, positivity applies only to response to existing situations, rather than expectations for the future. For example, an optimist expects to get a raise, whereas a positive pessemist doesn't mind the fact that he probably won't get it.
When people become seriously depressed, no matter what the reason, we tend to think of them as "drama queens." People back away from other people's drama and negativity, often ostracizing them from the social group. People make video blogs on how much they dispise "emos." Some even go so far as to add a pseudo-religious element to this convention, saying that "negative energy" is a real force which can cause misfortune to occur in the lives of anyone who associates with a negative person. Misery has become the new sin.
Misfortune brings status, but being emotionally affected by misfortune removes status. A true status-building statement would go something like this:
"I lost my job, my wife left me, my car broke down, and a steel spike flew off a construction site and impaled my skull... But you know me. I can't complain."
The phrase "I can't complain" is one of the disclaimers which alerts the listeners that although you feel the need to inform them of everything that has gone wrong in your life, you're not just trying to gain sympathy. Other popular disclaimers are "but it could be worse," "but it's not as bad as it seems," "but that's life," and so on. ("That's life" is actually a doubley useful phrase, because not only does it imply that you're not bothered by your misfortune, but it also implies that you didn't expect anything better, which gives the impression of intelligence.)
Failing to use one of these disclaimers, you'll have been perceived as "emo" or "drama queen," and your only recourse is to blame your attitude on a chemical imbalance, and hope to cash in on some of the misfortune-of-having-a-disorder respect. It sometimes works.
All other things being equal, the fifth status symbol is age. People tend to be more respectful of older people than younger people. This may come as a surprise, because we often hear about how much elderly people are disrespected, but consider this. For as much disrespect a young person has for an old person, it's nothing compared with how much disrespect there is the other way around. Old people have virtually no respect whatsoever for young people.
The ranking system goes like this: 1) People exactly the same age as you. 2) People older than you. 3) People younger than you.
One of the reasons that older people are more respected than younger people, (besides the obvious fact that older people actually know more), is a sort of reverse-prejudice. People are extra polite to old people to prove that they're NOT one of those people who isn't. (It's sort of like the white guy who is extra nice when the black guy enters the room, so that everyone knows how much he's not a racist.)
There is no way that a person can outright change his age, as he would change his opinion about the latest Spider-Man movie. However, people do tend to take steps to emphasize their age by making partially-obscure references to things from their childhoods. "Hey, remember the Snorks?" It's almost like a secret handshake between people who grew up in the same era. It's the sort of thing that these "young punks" wouldn't get. Even the hipster who claims to hate everything that comes out, is reluctant to bash something from his childhood, because he knows that he may need it later to connect with another thirty-something.
People want to show their age in every way possible, EXCEPT for appearance. We all want to look good for our ages. What's the point of looking like you're twenty-five, unless people know that you're really forty? Besides, knowing obscure references can also be taken as a sign of intelligence, in the sense of being more informed.
The fallout of this is that young hipsters have started actively seeking out things from "before their time" to enjoy. They often use the line, "I was born in the wrong era." It's a sort of manufactured nostalgia, which satisfies a wide range of status symbols -- the misfortune of having been born too late, the intelligence of knowing about a wider range of things, the taste in hating all the "new" pop culture icons, and having the respect of acting older, without actually looking older.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing on young people, and I certainly don't think that young people should be forsaking Michael Jackson in favor of Justin Beiber. In the age of the internet, people are exposed to a wide range of music and movies almost irrelevant of when they were originally released, and a lot of the older stuff is probably better than a lot of the newer stuff. The point is that the phrase "They don't make 'em like they used to," somehow gets you an automatic round of applause and nods of agreement. If it's in the form of a video comment, it gets a hailstorm of "likes" and "thumbs ups." No one wants to be the one to say that he prefers something newer over something older, as it might cause him to be marked as a drone of corporate-run media, (which is another reason why it's often safer to simply hate everything).
So there you have it: A stupid unlucky person is more respected than a lucky smart person, a cheap cynical fanboy is more respected than a culture-bashing optimist, a whiner who hates everything is more respected than a pop-culture fan with a postivie attitude, a teenager who "can't complain" is more respected than a middle-aged guy who is depressed, and a thirty-something who looks like a twenty-something is more respected than an actual twenty-something, unless that twenty-something listens to Glen Miller.
Yes, it's a stupid system which we have accepted as the de facto social hierarchy, and it encourages a lot of annoying and obnoxious habits... but hey, I can't complain.
1. Compassion
2. Honesty
3. Work-Ethic
4. Courage
That is to say, that in a perfect world, a kind liar would be more respected than an honest asshole, an honest lazy person would be more respected than a hard-working liar, a hard-working coward would be more respected than a lazy brave person, and anything after courage wouldn't be taken into consideration. Sadly, we do not live in a perfect world. In the real world, the list goes more like this:
1. Misfortune
2. Intelligence
3. Taste
4. Positivity
5. Age
Starting with misfortune, it is largely accepted that the most recognition tends to go to the person in the room who has had the worst things happen to him in his lifetime, preferably recently. A conversation would go something like this:
"Did you hear about Bob? He lost his job, his wife left him, and he has a stomach flu."
"Wow, God bless him. He's a good man."
"Yeah, but then he won the lottery."
"What? That bastard!"
It has gotten to such a point that even those things previously considered good, now have to be validated by putting a negative spin on them. A person gets a paid vacation, and has to say, "I'm going to be bored all week," or "I'm going to be so busy with housework, I won't even enjoy it." Otherwise, he might sound like he's gloating over his good fortune. Even being a unique individual now has to be explained as a neurological disorder. You see a person cleaning up the place, and he has to excuse his seemingly good gesture by saying that he has OCD. He knows that having a brain defect of some sort is more socially acceptible than just being tidy.
With all misfortune being equal, the second priority is intelligence. For most people, intelligence is not measured by education, memory or ability, but rather by a keen grasp on the nature of the real world. People generally measure this by cynicism and/or frugality. The more money you save, the smarter people will think you are, even if this means avoiding acts of charity. You give money to a homeless person, and people look at you as if you thought you were making some sort of really bad long-term investment. As for cynicism, the idea is that if you expect the worst, people think you know what's going on, but if you expect the best, people tend to think of you as naive. Banking on getting that promotion, or the girl you like saying yes, or there being a God, are all signs that you might be unaware of the incredible risks of setting yourself up for a disappointment. People look at you as though Murphy's Law is a real force in the universe, of which you are ignorant. If you really want people to think that you've been paying attention to the world thus far, you'll put on the guise of a pessimist, or better yet, a nihilist.
The old saying goes, "In matters of taste, there can be no dispute." Well, the person who said that has never been on the internet. People often judge one another on whether or not they like the same movies, music, books, TV shows, video games, shopping centers, and so on. The rule of thumb is that when there is a disagreement on a particular item, status goes to the person who dislikes the item more. Nobody wants to be the guy who likes something that another person dislikes:
"I really like that new Harry Potter movie."
"That movie sucked."
"Um... yeah... I thought so too."
This is why so many people play it safe, and just automatically hate everything. If you hate every single thing in existence, the only way you can be trumped is by someone who hates everything in existence, but expresses their hatred more vehemently than you do.
The next item on the list is positivity. You might think that having a positive attitude contradicts the cynicism and glorification of misfortune previously mentioned. However, in this case, positivity applies only to response to existing situations, rather than expectations for the future. For example, an optimist expects to get a raise, whereas a positive pessemist doesn't mind the fact that he probably won't get it.
When people become seriously depressed, no matter what the reason, we tend to think of them as "drama queens." People back away from other people's drama and negativity, often ostracizing them from the social group. People make video blogs on how much they dispise "emos." Some even go so far as to add a pseudo-religious element to this convention, saying that "negative energy" is a real force which can cause misfortune to occur in the lives of anyone who associates with a negative person. Misery has become the new sin.
Misfortune brings status, but being emotionally affected by misfortune removes status. A true status-building statement would go something like this:
"I lost my job, my wife left me, my car broke down, and a steel spike flew off a construction site and impaled my skull... But you know me. I can't complain."
The phrase "I can't complain" is one of the disclaimers which alerts the listeners that although you feel the need to inform them of everything that has gone wrong in your life, you're not just trying to gain sympathy. Other popular disclaimers are "but it could be worse," "but it's not as bad as it seems," "but that's life," and so on. ("That's life" is actually a doubley useful phrase, because not only does it imply that you're not bothered by your misfortune, but it also implies that you didn't expect anything better, which gives the impression of intelligence.)
Failing to use one of these disclaimers, you'll have been perceived as "emo" or "drama queen," and your only recourse is to blame your attitude on a chemical imbalance, and hope to cash in on some of the misfortune-of-having-a-disorder respect. It sometimes works.
All other things being equal, the fifth status symbol is age. People tend to be more respectful of older people than younger people. This may come as a surprise, because we often hear about how much elderly people are disrespected, but consider this. For as much disrespect a young person has for an old person, it's nothing compared with how much disrespect there is the other way around. Old people have virtually no respect whatsoever for young people.
The ranking system goes like this: 1) People exactly the same age as you. 2) People older than you. 3) People younger than you.
One of the reasons that older people are more respected than younger people, (besides the obvious fact that older people actually know more), is a sort of reverse-prejudice. People are extra polite to old people to prove that they're NOT one of those people who isn't. (It's sort of like the white guy who is extra nice when the black guy enters the room, so that everyone knows how much he's not a racist.)
There is no way that a person can outright change his age, as he would change his opinion about the latest Spider-Man movie. However, people do tend to take steps to emphasize their age by making partially-obscure references to things from their childhoods. "Hey, remember the Snorks?" It's almost like a secret handshake between people who grew up in the same era. It's the sort of thing that these "young punks" wouldn't get. Even the hipster who claims to hate everything that comes out, is reluctant to bash something from his childhood, because he knows that he may need it later to connect with another thirty-something.
People want to show their age in every way possible, EXCEPT for appearance. We all want to look good for our ages. What's the point of looking like you're twenty-five, unless people know that you're really forty? Besides, knowing obscure references can also be taken as a sign of intelligence, in the sense of being more informed.
The fallout of this is that young hipsters have started actively seeking out things from "before their time" to enjoy. They often use the line, "I was born in the wrong era." It's a sort of manufactured nostalgia, which satisfies a wide range of status symbols -- the misfortune of having been born too late, the intelligence of knowing about a wider range of things, the taste in hating all the "new" pop culture icons, and having the respect of acting older, without actually looking older.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing on young people, and I certainly don't think that young people should be forsaking Michael Jackson in favor of Justin Beiber. In the age of the internet, people are exposed to a wide range of music and movies almost irrelevant of when they were originally released, and a lot of the older stuff is probably better than a lot of the newer stuff. The point is that the phrase "They don't make 'em like they used to," somehow gets you an automatic round of applause and nods of agreement. If it's in the form of a video comment, it gets a hailstorm of "likes" and "thumbs ups." No one wants to be the one to say that he prefers something newer over something older, as it might cause him to be marked as a drone of corporate-run media, (which is another reason why it's often safer to simply hate everything).
So there you have it: A stupid unlucky person is more respected than a lucky smart person, a cheap cynical fanboy is more respected than a culture-bashing optimist, a whiner who hates everything is more respected than a pop-culture fan with a postivie attitude, a teenager who "can't complain" is more respected than a middle-aged guy who is depressed, and a thirty-something who looks like a twenty-something is more respected than an actual twenty-something, unless that twenty-something listens to Glen Miller.
Yes, it's a stupid system which we have accepted as the de facto social hierarchy, and it encourages a lot of annoying and obnoxious habits... but hey, I can't complain.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Signs That You Might Be a God
Here are some warning signs that you may be a living god:
* Losing track of time.
* A strong reluctance to show up uninvited.
* People frequently asking you for help.
* Looking really good for your age.
* Being mostly unaffected by cold and flu season.
* Often receiving gifts from strangers.
* Huge ego.
* Being the subject of outlandish rumors and speculation.
* Being spoken about positively behind your back.
* A generally flighty and mercurial lifestyle.
* A tendency to disappear for long periods, during which many people think you are dead.
* Vague childhood memories, in which the gaps are filled in by hearsay.
* A fascination with obscure knowledge, particularly in the areas of history, anthropology, the occult, and especially religions.
* Unwillingness to submit to authority.
* A tendency to exist noncorporeally for indefinite periods of time, while simultaneously controlling the forces of nature by will alone.
* Losing track of time.
* A strong reluctance to show up uninvited.
* People frequently asking you for help.
* Looking really good for your age.
* Being mostly unaffected by cold and flu season.
* Often receiving gifts from strangers.
* Huge ego.
* Being the subject of outlandish rumors and speculation.
* Being spoken about positively behind your back.
* A generally flighty and mercurial lifestyle.
* A tendency to disappear for long periods, during which many people think you are dead.
* Vague childhood memories, in which the gaps are filled in by hearsay.
* A fascination with obscure knowledge, particularly in the areas of history, anthropology, the occult, and especially religions.
* Unwillingness to submit to authority.
* A tendency to exist noncorporeally for indefinite periods of time, while simultaneously controlling the forces of nature by will alone.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Famous Directors Quiz
Here's a fun quiz. I'll describe a movie (not a specific one), and you try to guess who the director is. Answers are at the bottom.
.
1. It's the ciminal underworld of New York City. There are lots of overhead camera shots, and the scenery uses a lot of the color red. Robert DeNiro is in a starring role.
.
2. The camera zooms and pans over long distances very quickly. There are POV shots, moving shots, and those cool zooms where the actor seems to be getting closer, while the background is getting farther away. Bruce Campbell is in it.
.
3. Dark and gothic, but with a childlike quality, almost like the kind of things you had nightmares about when you were five. It's nighttime, and there's blood splattered. You hear the music of the Danny Elfman Orchestra, and the movie stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
.
4. I'm not really sure what it is. It's sort of a comedy, sort of an action movie, and sort of a drama, but it fails on all counts. Still, there's a big budget and flashy special effects, so it does make a good bit of money, and in its own way, it is entertaining.
.
5. It's New York City. There are several couples in relationships, and they're all cheating on each other, but that's not really a big deal. Characters have very casual conversations about everything from sexual fetishes to global economics. Characters are often interrupting each other, sometimes from somewhere off camera, so the camera has to whip around to see who's talking. The director is also the star.
.
6. The camera is zooming in or out very slowly... I mean very VERRRRY sloooowwwwllllly, and over a much longer distance than you were expecting. There are long periods of no dialog whatsoever, possibly filled with soft music. No one in the audience can understand the ending.
.
7. Every detail of this movie is crafted to perfection. There are periods of silence when you know something is about to happen, but you're being kept in suspense. If you look closely, you can see the director in the background of one scene.
.
8. The movie is slow and creepy. There are a lot of shadows, and subtle things in the background that you almost don't notice. In the end, the audience jumps up and yells, "Holy shit! THAT'S what was going on the whole time?!!!"
.
9. The movie sucks on all levels. Every scene is a pointless reference to overhyped TV shows, commercials from last year, and featured Youtube videos that nobody likes. It steals jokes from other movies. It immitates trailers to movies coming out, and then throws in something nonsequiter and juvinile, like a fart or someone falling down. There's a scene where people dance for no reason. The movie makes almost no money on ticket sales, but more than makes up for the loss through product placements. The title contains the word "Movie."
.
10. In a black community, the story is poignant, and we all learn something from it.
.
11. In a black community, the story is silly and sitcomish, and white people don't bother to go see it.
.
12. The movie parodies other movies and genres, exposing all the cliches. You can watch it over and over, and it never gets old. There are a lot of Jewish jokes, and the director is also one of the stars. Some of the other actors appearing are Dom Deloise, Harvey Coreman, Madaline Khan and Ron Carey.
.
13. The movie parodies other movies. All the jokes are well-written. The actors say the most outrageous things, but with a serious deadpan expression.
.
14. The story is fantastical, and the characters use puppetry or animatronics. It's fun for all ages.
.
15. A dark comedy, probably about criminals. Every character is complex and interesting enough to be the main character, including those who are only on screen for a minute. The story is balanced just on the edge of being realistic and unrealistic. John Goodman may be appearing.
.
16. The movie is entirely stop-motion animation. The setting has a creepy otherworldly quality. There are lots of night scenes, and lots and lots of very large insects.
.
17. The story is set in Biblical times. There are panoramic shots with thousands of extras. The special effects and dialog are way over the top.
.
18. This movie can be one of two things. It's either a big-budget movie exploring the mysteries and possibilities of life, with brilliant bright multicolored lights coming from every direction while people look on in childlike wonder... or else it's a depressing World War II story. At some point, you will see either a sunrise or a shooting star.
.
19. Framed like an arthouse film, set like a big-budget action movie, and written like a serious drama. This movie wins on all levels. Also, there's a pretty good chance that someone is getting decapitated.
.
20. Lots of blood, lots of extreme violence, lots of action. There are bullets flying and car chases, yet somehow, the characters seem to be able to hold a casual conversation about nothing in particular. The scenes may be out of sequence.
.
21. Incredibly huge budget, lots of special effects, and most importantly, the beautiful landscapes of New Zealand. (Of course, if it's one of his earlier films, then it's a gore-fest.)
.
22. The movie is set in Baltimore. Most of the main characters are young. The story is really really fucked up, but in a good way.
.
23. Characters have conversations about movies and comic books. There is a sarcastic attitude toward pop culture, religion and society in general. The director probably appears in the movie, playing his usual non-talkative character.
.
24 and 25. Lightning-fast comedic dialog, so that the characters are almost functioning as a single unit. Every situation is met with the same ironic attitude. There are one-liners in this movie which you and your friends will be quoting for years to come. These two directors may be working together or serperately. Bill Murray appears.
.
26. A childlike fairy tale, but with a dark side. The story has a mythical quality, but with a simplicity about it. It doesn't take itself seriously. (Of course, if the other Pythons are involved, then it gets totally silly.)
.
27. Gothic, yet colorful. Bloody and gorey, yet whimsical. The movie is a light-hearted variation on the classic horror genre. Based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe, and starring Vincent Price.
.
28. Cheap sets, flubbed lines, unrealistic plots, laughable special effects, and lots and lots of stock footage. It could be a science fiction story, a porno movie, or both. Bela Lugosi appears. The movie should suck, yet somehow, everyone loves it anyway.
.
29. Dark sets with lots of shadows, but filled with shiny ornate metal objects, giving it an almost steampunk look. There are large demonic monsters, an epic storyline, and an ending that involves a blood sacrifice. Ron Pearlman stars.
.
30. Steven Spielberg is involved, but not directing this time. Could be anything. Tom Hanks is probably in it.
.
31. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Lots of lens flares. Good special effects and great writing. Very sarcastic.
.
32. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Some lens flares. Great special effects and good writing. Very epic.
.
33. Huge budget, big stars, and gigantic explosions. Mostly realistic-looking CGI-effects, and the fate of the world hanging in the balance. The President of the United States is one of the characters. At some point, there's a fighter jet involved. There have been some major changes made from whatever source material was used.
.
34. It could be horror, comedy or action, but whatever it is, it has a sort of irreverent tounge-in-cheek humor. Most of the stars are probably former cast members of Saturday Night Live.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ANSWERS:
.
1. Martin Scorsese
2. Sam Raimi
3. Tim Burton
4. Joel Schumacher
5. Woody Allen
6. Stanley Kubrick
7. Alfred Hitchcock
8. M. Night Shyamalan
9. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
10. Spike Lee
11. Tyler Perry
12. Mel Brooks
13. David & Jerry Zucker
14. Jim Henson & Frank Oz
15. Joel & Ethan Coen
16. Henry Selick
17. Cecil B. DeMille
18. Steven Spielberg
19. Francis Ford Coppela
20. Quentin Tarantino
21. Peter Jackson
22. John Waters
23. Kevin Smith
24 & 25. Ivan Reitman / Harold Ramis
26. Terry Gilliam
27. Roger Coreman
28. Ed Wood
29. Guillermo del Toro
30. Robert Zemeckis
31. Joss Whedon
32. J.J. Abrams
33. Michael Bay
34. John Landis
.
1. It's the ciminal underworld of New York City. There are lots of overhead camera shots, and the scenery uses a lot of the color red. Robert DeNiro is in a starring role.
.
2. The camera zooms and pans over long distances very quickly. There are POV shots, moving shots, and those cool zooms where the actor seems to be getting closer, while the background is getting farther away. Bruce Campbell is in it.
.
3. Dark and gothic, but with a childlike quality, almost like the kind of things you had nightmares about when you were five. It's nighttime, and there's blood splattered. You hear the music of the Danny Elfman Orchestra, and the movie stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
.
4. I'm not really sure what it is. It's sort of a comedy, sort of an action movie, and sort of a drama, but it fails on all counts. Still, there's a big budget and flashy special effects, so it does make a good bit of money, and in its own way, it is entertaining.
.
5. It's New York City. There are several couples in relationships, and they're all cheating on each other, but that's not really a big deal. Characters have very casual conversations about everything from sexual fetishes to global economics. Characters are often interrupting each other, sometimes from somewhere off camera, so the camera has to whip around to see who's talking. The director is also the star.
.
6. The camera is zooming in or out very slowly... I mean very VERRRRY sloooowwwwllllly, and over a much longer distance than you were expecting. There are long periods of no dialog whatsoever, possibly filled with soft music. No one in the audience can understand the ending.
.
7. Every detail of this movie is crafted to perfection. There are periods of silence when you know something is about to happen, but you're being kept in suspense. If you look closely, you can see the director in the background of one scene.
.
8. The movie is slow and creepy. There are a lot of shadows, and subtle things in the background that you almost don't notice. In the end, the audience jumps up and yells, "Holy shit! THAT'S what was going on the whole time?!!!"
.
9. The movie sucks on all levels. Every scene is a pointless reference to overhyped TV shows, commercials from last year, and featured Youtube videos that nobody likes. It steals jokes from other movies. It immitates trailers to movies coming out, and then throws in something nonsequiter and juvinile, like a fart or someone falling down. There's a scene where people dance for no reason. The movie makes almost no money on ticket sales, but more than makes up for the loss through product placements. The title contains the word "Movie."
.
10. In a black community, the story is poignant, and we all learn something from it.
.
11. In a black community, the story is silly and sitcomish, and white people don't bother to go see it.
.
12. The movie parodies other movies and genres, exposing all the cliches. You can watch it over and over, and it never gets old. There are a lot of Jewish jokes, and the director is also one of the stars. Some of the other actors appearing are Dom Deloise, Harvey Coreman, Madaline Khan and Ron Carey.
.
13. The movie parodies other movies. All the jokes are well-written. The actors say the most outrageous things, but with a serious deadpan expression.
.
14. The story is fantastical, and the characters use puppetry or animatronics. It's fun for all ages.
.
15. A dark comedy, probably about criminals. Every character is complex and interesting enough to be the main character, including those who are only on screen for a minute. The story is balanced just on the edge of being realistic and unrealistic. John Goodman may be appearing.
.
16. The movie is entirely stop-motion animation. The setting has a creepy otherworldly quality. There are lots of night scenes, and lots and lots of very large insects.
.
17. The story is set in Biblical times. There are panoramic shots with thousands of extras. The special effects and dialog are way over the top.
.
18. This movie can be one of two things. It's either a big-budget movie exploring the mysteries and possibilities of life, with brilliant bright multicolored lights coming from every direction while people look on in childlike wonder... or else it's a depressing World War II story. At some point, you will see either a sunrise or a shooting star.
.
19. Framed like an arthouse film, set like a big-budget action movie, and written like a serious drama. This movie wins on all levels. Also, there's a pretty good chance that someone is getting decapitated.
.
20. Lots of blood, lots of extreme violence, lots of action. There are bullets flying and car chases, yet somehow, the characters seem to be able to hold a casual conversation about nothing in particular. The scenes may be out of sequence.
.
21. Incredibly huge budget, lots of special effects, and most importantly, the beautiful landscapes of New Zealand. (Of course, if it's one of his earlier films, then it's a gore-fest.)
.
22. The movie is set in Baltimore. Most of the main characters are young. The story is really really fucked up, but in a good way.
.
23. Characters have conversations about movies and comic books. There is a sarcastic attitude toward pop culture, religion and society in general. The director probably appears in the movie, playing his usual non-talkative character.
.
24 and 25. Lightning-fast comedic dialog, so that the characters are almost functioning as a single unit. Every situation is met with the same ironic attitude. There are one-liners in this movie which you and your friends will be quoting for years to come. These two directors may be working together or serperately. Bill Murray appears.
.
26. A childlike fairy tale, but with a dark side. The story has a mythical quality, but with a simplicity about it. It doesn't take itself seriously. (Of course, if the other Pythons are involved, then it gets totally silly.)
.
27. Gothic, yet colorful. Bloody and gorey, yet whimsical. The movie is a light-hearted variation on the classic horror genre. Based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe, and starring Vincent Price.
.
28. Cheap sets, flubbed lines, unrealistic plots, laughable special effects, and lots and lots of stock footage. It could be a science fiction story, a porno movie, or both. Bela Lugosi appears. The movie should suck, yet somehow, everyone loves it anyway.
.
29. Dark sets with lots of shadows, but filled with shiny ornate metal objects, giving it an almost steampunk look. There are large demonic monsters, an epic storyline, and an ending that involves a blood sacrifice. Ron Pearlman stars.
.
30. Steven Spielberg is involved, but not directing this time. Could be anything. Tom Hanks is probably in it.
.
31. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Lots of lens flares. Good special effects and great writing. Very sarcastic.
.
32. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Some lens flares. Great special effects and good writing. Very epic.
.
33. Huge budget, big stars, and gigantic explosions. Mostly realistic-looking CGI-effects, and the fate of the world hanging in the balance. The President of the United States is one of the characters. At some point, there's a fighter jet involved. There have been some major changes made from whatever source material was used.
.
34. It could be horror, comedy or action, but whatever it is, it has a sort of irreverent tounge-in-cheek humor. Most of the stars are probably former cast members of Saturday Night Live.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ANSWERS:
.
1. Martin Scorsese
2. Sam Raimi
3. Tim Burton
4. Joel Schumacher
5. Woody Allen
6. Stanley Kubrick
7. Alfred Hitchcock
8. M. Night Shyamalan
9. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
10. Spike Lee
11. Tyler Perry
12. Mel Brooks
13. David & Jerry Zucker
14. Jim Henson & Frank Oz
15. Joel & Ethan Coen
16. Henry Selick
17. Cecil B. DeMille
18. Steven Spielberg
19. Francis Ford Coppela
20. Quentin Tarantino
21. Peter Jackson
22. John Waters
23. Kevin Smith
24 & 25. Ivan Reitman / Harold Ramis
26. Terry Gilliam
27. Roger Coreman
28. Ed Wood
29. Guillermo del Toro
30. Robert Zemeckis
31. Joss Whedon
32. J.J. Abrams
33. Michael Bay
34. John Landis
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Things I Learned From Movies
* Any computer in the world can be broken into just by figuring out the password.
* All buildings have ventilation shafts large enough to crawl through, from any room to any other room.
* Any damaged robot can spontaneously become self-aware.
* Bullets avoid hitting the hero, even at close range.
* Everyone in the world knows kung fu.
* High-tech computers make all kinds of cool sounds while you're using them.
* Classroom bells always interrupt the teacher in mid-sentence.
* Men are uptight and OCD, and women are loose and free-spirited. (This is the opposite of the lesson learned fron watching sit-coms: Women are neat and organized, and men are slobs.)
* Henchmen die from a single bullet or being pushed off a small ledge, but the main villain can only be killed by falling off a tall building, or being blown up by a huge bomb.
* Any vehicle, once damaged, will explode.
* Explosions will not hurt you if you're jumping.
* You can jump across any distance. The worst that could happen is you'll almost miss and have to pull yourself up by your fingers.
* Slashers will kill you while you are on the phone, standing with your back to a window, standing over him to make sure he's dead, splitting up to investigate, or walking backwards from where the cat just scared you.
* If you're running from someone, you WILL trip, fall, and be forced to squirm on the ground for several minutes before getting back up again.
* The car will NEVER start on the first try.
* Slashers kill people in this order: Black guy, Useless guy, Slutty girl, Jock. The prudish girl survives. (Modern variation: For political correctness purposes, the black guy may be replaced with a Hispanic guy, so that no one thinks we're JUST picking on the black guys.)
* Guard dogs don't do a damn thing.
* All intruder alarms use lasers, which become visible for several minutes with the slightest amount of dust or smoke, and have spaces between them large enough to move through.
* Part one of any trilogy is a self-contained story. Part two is a new story, which resurrects the bad guy from the first movie, and then ends in a cliffhanger. Part three just throws a bunch of new shit at you and then hurries to wrap everything up at once.
* No matter how fast you run, and how slow the monster is moving, the monster will always somehow catch up to you.
* There is no such thing as love at first site. Upon first meeting, you always HATE the person you're destined to fall in love with. (Unless it's a musical.)
* Women automatically assume that any man who talks to her is a rapist. (This is mostly a 90's gag.)
* Stalking is only creepy if the stalker is ugly. Being stalked by someone handsome is romantic.
* If the love interest has a boyfriend at the beginning of the movie, he WILL turn out to be an asshole later.
* If a couple is divorced at the beginning of the movie, they WILL get back together by the end, regardless of whether they actually fixed whatever problems they had in the past.
* All rich people are pure evil.
* Cops don't have to follow rules or care about miranda rights, so long as the bad guy ends up dead.
* If you time-travel into the distant past, you will always land in a historically significant place in human civilization, and immediately meet with some famous person. Your actions WILL NOT affect the course of history.
* If you time-travel into the more recent past, you will meet with yourself or your parents. Your actions WILL affect the course of history.
* If you time-travel into the future, the first things you see will be flying cars and people in jumpsuits.
* If someone from the past or the future time travels into the present, the first thing he sees will be a punk-rocker blasting a boom box.
* If you go back in time and alter the past, it may affect you (causing you to disappear) while in the past, or it may change everyone in the future except for you, including their memories, or it may cause affects (as scars) to suddenly appear in the future without people having previous memory of the events. You may create alternate timelines, or you may become caught up in a predestination paradox, because time is unalterable. You may have no memory of the new timeline, or you may retain memories of both versions. These rules are subject to change with each alteration to the timeline.
* In the future, everyone will be an expert in every period of history EXCEPT for today. (They will know every Mozart concerto, but they won't know what rock and roll is. They will be able to identify and appraise a belt-buckle from 14th century Scandinavia, but they won't know what a car is.)
* Scientists can invent anything in a matter of hours, but only if the fate of the world depends on it.
* Aliens are VERY interested in Earth. They either want to take it over, or they want to save it, but either way, this is a very valuable planet to them.
* All alien civilizations are millions of years old, but their technology is only about two hundred years more advanced than ours.
* Everything that happens, happens in New York, Los Angeles, Tokyo, or a small quiet town where nothing like this has happened before.
* Radiation gives you superpowers.
* Ancient people could see into the future with total accuracy, and could manufacture magickal artifacts. Modern people, not so much.
* Booby traps will still work perfectly, even after they've been sitting around for thousands of years.
* Kids are smarter than adults, and groups of kids will never turn to adults for help.
* All religious leaders are evil, with the exception of the local Catholic priest. Don't trust the bishop, cardinal, minister, witchdoctor, etc.
* Catholic confessionals are mainly used for therapy and advice.
* If you go to another planet, the aliens will either speak English, or have a universal translator programmed with English.
* The English dialect hasn't changed in six thousand years. If you meet an English person from ancient times, he will understand every word you say, except for slangs.
* Virgins are the best lovers.
* Teenage virgins are extremely rare.
* It is not insane for people to burst suddenly into a choreographed song and dance routine.
* Everyone is a good dancer, including the guy who just said he can't dance.
* Fat people are very sassy, especially if they're black.
* The most important even in any teenager's life is the prom. Because let's face it, if there's one thing that teenagers love, it's having manufactured fun, at school, with paid admission, with no alchohol, wearing ugly outfits, with chapperones.
* All men are evil, cheating, rapist, domineering, arrogant, abusing, violent, hard-drinking, gun-toting assholes, and women are powerless against them. (This mostly applies to movies shown on the Lifetime network.)
* Everyone goes completely gaga over their love of the brand new (insert sponsor's product name here).
* The hero isn't just doing his job, and the villain isn't just looking out for his interests. It always becomes personal.
* Cops always die just before retirement.
* Whenever there are a whole bunch of vampires, only one of them is the "good" one.
* Animals can talk to other animals... And the cat's a jerk.
* There are about a billion and one different reasons why we HAVE TO save the rain forests.
* Anything that's bad for the environment will make a lot of money. But the corporations are rich enough that they can afford the less-profitable green technologies, if they weren't so greedy.
* All Native Americans are stoic and extremely wise.
* All black people come from the ghetto.
* Whenever you put a black guy and a white guy together, the first thing they will do is argue about the radio. The black guy wants to hear rap, but the white guy wants to hear some lame-ass pop song.
* Wherever you go, there's always exactly one hippie, and he's stoned off his ass.
* Every office has exactly one gay guy.
* All hunters are sadists.
* Dorky guys, with some effort, can win over the hot chick. (You will never see a dorky girl winning over a hot guy, because A, there are no dorky girls, and B, all hot guys are jerks anyway.)
* Africa is full of cannibals.
* No matter how "dead" the villain is at the end of the first movie, he can still show up in an infinite number of sequels.
* People who bury treasure will always leave riddles to show where it's buried. No one ever asks them why they did this.
* And regardless of where the treasure is buried, or how long it has been there, no one ever finds it by accident.
* Every giant weapon has either a self-destruct button, or a vulnerable spot which could detonate it's fuel reserves and blow it up.
* If you can see into the future, you will be right about everything, except the last thing.
* Racists always quote from the Bible.
* Every stand-up comedy club has a bad professional comic doing old hackneyed jokes in a bow-tie and suspenders, and a guy in the audience heckling him with perfect timing and delivery.
* But a novice who walks on stage unprepared and rants about a recent event is immediately seen as a comedic genius, because that's something that no one has ever seen before.
* Any friend of the hero who is injured, will slip into a coma, and come out of it five seconds after the villain is defeated.
* The villain never surrenders, goes to jail, gets a lawyer, and gets an early parole. Instead, he tries to shoot the hero, misses, and gets killed himself.
* If it wasn't for record scratches, I wouldn't know what part of the trailer was supposed to be funny.
* The way to defuse any bomb is to cut the blue wire, usually at the last possible second.
* Your car can jump any distance. As long as it lands upright, it will keep going and suffer no damage.
* Even before there is any hint of real danger, one of your friends will hide, then jump out and scare you as a prank.
* Even before there is any hint of real danger, you will be scared when your friend sneaks up behind you and grabs your shoulder, not as a prank, but just as a way of saying hello.
* If you hear a sound in the woods, one of three things will happen. A, you'll think it's a killer, but it's your friend playing a prank. B, you'll think it's a killer, but it's really a small animal. Or C, you'll think it's your friend playing a prank, but it's really a killer. No matter how many times this happens, you will NEVER guess it right.
* When the villain has the hero cornered at gunpoint, he will NEVER shoot. He'll just stand there talking to him.
* At least 50% of all people know how to pick locks.
* The biggest, meanest-looking black guy in prison, is always a good person.
* Guys are always surprised to find out that the person who just took off a helmet is a woman. (Okay, it's mostly an 80's gag.)
* Preppy jocky guys always cheat at sports, because it's the only way they can beat their dorky athletically-inferior rivals.
* Music in night clubs is always quiet enough to allow conversation.
* In any bar, there is EXACTLY ONE guy with tattoos and piercings.
* If you're a jerk, just hang around with a retarded guy. He'll turn you into a better person.
* All Buddhists have magickal superpowers.
* Prosthetic limbs have superior speed, strength and dexterity.
* Cell phones never work in an emergency.
* The Government will keep everything a secret, regardless of whether they have anything to gain by it.
* If you're framed for murder, and have to track down the real killer, you immediately have better detective skills than the entire police force.
* You can survive a fall from any height, as long as you land in water.
* Teenagers never have acne. In fact, they usually look about twenty-five.
* There is always an empty parking space right in front of the building.
* Asthma can be cured by having a little more self-confidence. You can just throw away that inhailer.
* Nerdy guys and foreign guys will both say the opposite of something cool. Examples: "Easy as cake." "You mean pie?" "Hey, chill in." "You mean chill out?" "I'm in the room." "You mean in the house?" "Something's going up." "You mean going down?"
* Your hat will never come off during a fight.
* Good witches and cowboys wear white. Bad witches and cowboys wear black.
* You'll never get stuck in traffic, unless it's a major emergency, and there's easy access to some offroad shortcut.
* Cops are powerless to stop speeding cars.
* When the scary music starts, get the fuck out of there!
* Wherever you are in Mexico, there is a Mariachi band playing.
* Wherever you are in France, the Eiffel Tower is directly behind you.
* Ninjas will attack you one at a time, and if you hit them once, they fall down and roll out of the way.
* All guys who look nerdy on the outside, have beautiful hearts, if you just look beyond the face.
* All girls who look nerdy on the outside, have beautiful faces, if you just look beyond the glasses.
* An illogical chess player will always beat a logical chess player.
* Solving crimes is not in the job description of a crime lab scientists. They only solve crimes in their free time as a personal favor to the hero, and would probably get in trouble if their boss found out.
* It always rains during funerals.
* Most Americans are pretty physically fit, and the average woman weighs about 100 lbs.
* The slightest mutation or disfiguring injury will make you want to kill people.
* Vicious animals make a lot of noise before they attack, I guess to give you a head start or something.
* It's nearly impossible to survive stepping in quicksand.
* A really easy riddle takes about thirty seconds to solve. A completely impossible riddle, about the same.
* On a moonless night away from all city lights, the woods are pitch blue.
* Women don't have a fight-or-flight reflex. They only have the scream-into-her-wrist-or-faint reflex. (This mostly applies to older movies.)
* Every crowd comes prepared with lettus, eggs and tomatoes, just in case the speaker says something they don't like.
* Resturants keep an endless supply of pies on hand, just in case a fight breaks out.
* If you look up at the sky for more than a few seconds, you will see a very bright shooting star.
* Most scientists aren't afraid to secretly experiment on themselves.
* Every monster needs about twenty minutes of explaining why it's there... Except for zombies. Zombies are just there.
* Tribal medicine men know WAY more than medical scientists.
* Superheros never leave fingerprints.
* All sex results in single simultaneous orgasm, and is usually in the missionary position.
* Interracial couples are a very rare thing.
* You don't have to speak German to infiltrate Nazis. Just speak English with a German accent.
* Extraterrestrials almost always have two arms, two legs, are between one and six feet tall, breath oxygen, survive in an environment between zero and one hundred degrees Fahrenheit and thirty inches of mercury of barometric pressure, have two eyes in the front of the head, two ear-like organs on the sides of the head, two hands with four or five fingers each, have a genetic makeup which can be classified as mammal, reptile or mammal-like-reptile, and wear clothing which covers the naughty bits.
* Extraterrestrial governments can be classified as empire, monarchy, oligarchy, socialist republic or laissez faire republic, and their religion is nonexistant, classical Pagan, or some variation on Monist post-Christian philosophy (as Deism or Pantheism).
* If a human has sex with an extraterrestrial, even one time, the human will get pregnant with a hybrid. (It doesn't matter which one of them is actually the female.)
* Cars will fly the future.
* If an innocent person is sent to prison, they will immediately have to fight off a big gay rapist.
* If you encounter a mythical creature of any kind, there is an elderly European man in your town who will be able to tell you everything you need to know to defeat it.
* There is only one copy of the one book that tells you how to defeat the monster.
* If the story takes place on a completely alien world, the hero is the one who looks the most humanoid.
* People fear what they do not understand, and hate what they fear. This is a serious human failing which cannot be stressed enough.
* Your landlord always comes to tell you the rent is past due, just before your sudden adventure.
* Men who regularly cheat on their wives/girlfriends just assume that all other men will keep their secret.
* Men who "accidentally" cheated just that one time will only get told on by a rival trying to steal his girlfriend.
* A lone hero can always infiltrate an enemy base much more effectively than an entire army.
* The cavalry always comes over the hill in the nick of time. Or in the more modern variation: The cavalry shows up just after the bad guy is killed, to clean up the mess left by the hero, who isn't going to stick around.
* No moderately wealthy person over the age of thirty can have sex without a bottle of champagne, a fireplace and a Barry White record playing.
* Old people know everything, unless they're rednecks.
* All roads zig-zag. If you run in a straight line, you can keep up with any speeding car.
* If you enter the waiting room of a veterinarian's office, you will see one of every kind of animal on earth.
* If someone says the plan can't fail, it will fail miserably, and make the situation worse.
* If someone says the plan has only a one-in-a-billion chance of working, it will work perfectly on the first try.
* Assholes like apples. (I never noticed this one until I started watching Cinemasins.)
* The solution to a problem cannot be solved by thinking about the problem. You have to wait for someone else to say a word or a phrase that will make you think of the answer.
* People in wheelchairs are either saintly individuals who can do no wrong, or evil masterminds trying to take over the world.
* The moment you realize you're gay, the first person you're attracted to is also gay.
* All women (including self-described lesbians) are latently bisexual.
* Guns never run out of bullets unless someone was actually counting the shots.
* Women slap men across the face at the slightest offense, and men are okay with this.
* Woman who are hyper-masculine are "empowered." Men who are hyper-feminine are comic relief.
* Everything in the "good" future is white. Everything in the "bad" future is dark gray.
* People never inspect the new house before buying it. Often, the first time they even see the house is the day they move in.
* If you lose or damage your clothes, the only available replacement will be a t-shirt from a tourist shop.
* You will ALWAYS overhear exactly the wrong part of the conversation, and you will never directly ask the other person to clarify any possible misunderstanding.
* No matter what your adventure was or how long it took, the morning after it's over, you'll think it was all a dream.
* Cool guys don't look at explosions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqz5dbs5zmo
...But cool chicks look straight at them without flinching.
* All buildings have ventilation shafts large enough to crawl through, from any room to any other room.
* Any damaged robot can spontaneously become self-aware.
* Bullets avoid hitting the hero, even at close range.
* Everyone in the world knows kung fu.
* High-tech computers make all kinds of cool sounds while you're using them.
* Classroom bells always interrupt the teacher in mid-sentence.
* Men are uptight and OCD, and women are loose and free-spirited. (This is the opposite of the lesson learned fron watching sit-coms: Women are neat and organized, and men are slobs.)
* Henchmen die from a single bullet or being pushed off a small ledge, but the main villain can only be killed by falling off a tall building, or being blown up by a huge bomb.
* Any vehicle, once damaged, will explode.
* Explosions will not hurt you if you're jumping.
* You can jump across any distance. The worst that could happen is you'll almost miss and have to pull yourself up by your fingers.
* Slashers will kill you while you are on the phone, standing with your back to a window, standing over him to make sure he's dead, splitting up to investigate, or walking backwards from where the cat just scared you.
* If you're running from someone, you WILL trip, fall, and be forced to squirm on the ground for several minutes before getting back up again.
* The car will NEVER start on the first try.
* Slashers kill people in this order: Black guy, Useless guy, Slutty girl, Jock. The prudish girl survives. (Modern variation: For political correctness purposes, the black guy may be replaced with a Hispanic guy, so that no one thinks we're JUST picking on the black guys.)
* Guard dogs don't do a damn thing.
* All intruder alarms use lasers, which become visible for several minutes with the slightest amount of dust or smoke, and have spaces between them large enough to move through.
* Part one of any trilogy is a self-contained story. Part two is a new story, which resurrects the bad guy from the first movie, and then ends in a cliffhanger. Part three just throws a bunch of new shit at you and then hurries to wrap everything up at once.
* No matter how fast you run, and how slow the monster is moving, the monster will always somehow catch up to you.
* There is no such thing as love at first site. Upon first meeting, you always HATE the person you're destined to fall in love with. (Unless it's a musical.)
* Women automatically assume that any man who talks to her is a rapist. (This is mostly a 90's gag.)
* Stalking is only creepy if the stalker is ugly. Being stalked by someone handsome is romantic.
* If the love interest has a boyfriend at the beginning of the movie, he WILL turn out to be an asshole later.
* If a couple is divorced at the beginning of the movie, they WILL get back together by the end, regardless of whether they actually fixed whatever problems they had in the past.
* All rich people are pure evil.
* Cops don't have to follow rules or care about miranda rights, so long as the bad guy ends up dead.
* If you time-travel into the distant past, you will always land in a historically significant place in human civilization, and immediately meet with some famous person. Your actions WILL NOT affect the course of history.
* If you time-travel into the more recent past, you will meet with yourself or your parents. Your actions WILL affect the course of history.
* If you time-travel into the future, the first things you see will be flying cars and people in jumpsuits.
* If someone from the past or the future time travels into the present, the first thing he sees will be a punk-rocker blasting a boom box.
* If you go back in time and alter the past, it may affect you (causing you to disappear) while in the past, or it may change everyone in the future except for you, including their memories, or it may cause affects (as scars) to suddenly appear in the future without people having previous memory of the events. You may create alternate timelines, or you may become caught up in a predestination paradox, because time is unalterable. You may have no memory of the new timeline, or you may retain memories of both versions. These rules are subject to change with each alteration to the timeline.
* In the future, everyone will be an expert in every period of history EXCEPT for today. (They will know every Mozart concerto, but they won't know what rock and roll is. They will be able to identify and appraise a belt-buckle from 14th century Scandinavia, but they won't know what a car is.)
* Scientists can invent anything in a matter of hours, but only if the fate of the world depends on it.
* Aliens are VERY interested in Earth. They either want to take it over, or they want to save it, but either way, this is a very valuable planet to them.
* All alien civilizations are millions of years old, but their technology is only about two hundred years more advanced than ours.
* Everything that happens, happens in New York, Los Angeles, Tokyo, or a small quiet town where nothing like this has happened before.
* Radiation gives you superpowers.
* Ancient people could see into the future with total accuracy, and could manufacture magickal artifacts. Modern people, not so much.
* Booby traps will still work perfectly, even after they've been sitting around for thousands of years.
* Kids are smarter than adults, and groups of kids will never turn to adults for help.
* All religious leaders are evil, with the exception of the local Catholic priest. Don't trust the bishop, cardinal, minister, witchdoctor, etc.
* Catholic confessionals are mainly used for therapy and advice.
* If you go to another planet, the aliens will either speak English, or have a universal translator programmed with English.
* The English dialect hasn't changed in six thousand years. If you meet an English person from ancient times, he will understand every word you say, except for slangs.
* Virgins are the best lovers.
* Teenage virgins are extremely rare.
* It is not insane for people to burst suddenly into a choreographed song and dance routine.
* Everyone is a good dancer, including the guy who just said he can't dance.
* Fat people are very sassy, especially if they're black.
* The most important even in any teenager's life is the prom. Because let's face it, if there's one thing that teenagers love, it's having manufactured fun, at school, with paid admission, with no alchohol, wearing ugly outfits, with chapperones.
* All men are evil, cheating, rapist, domineering, arrogant, abusing, violent, hard-drinking, gun-toting assholes, and women are powerless against them. (This mostly applies to movies shown on the Lifetime network.)
* Everyone goes completely gaga over their love of the brand new (insert sponsor's product name here).
* The hero isn't just doing his job, and the villain isn't just looking out for his interests. It always becomes personal.
* Cops always die just before retirement.
* Whenever there are a whole bunch of vampires, only one of them is the "good" one.
* Animals can talk to other animals... And the cat's a jerk.
* There are about a billion and one different reasons why we HAVE TO save the rain forests.
* Anything that's bad for the environment will make a lot of money. But the corporations are rich enough that they can afford the less-profitable green technologies, if they weren't so greedy.
* All Native Americans are stoic and extremely wise.
* All black people come from the ghetto.
* Whenever you put a black guy and a white guy together, the first thing they will do is argue about the radio. The black guy wants to hear rap, but the white guy wants to hear some lame-ass pop song.
* Wherever you go, there's always exactly one hippie, and he's stoned off his ass.
* Every office has exactly one gay guy.
* All hunters are sadists.
* Dorky guys, with some effort, can win over the hot chick. (You will never see a dorky girl winning over a hot guy, because A, there are no dorky girls, and B, all hot guys are jerks anyway.)
* Africa is full of cannibals.
* No matter how "dead" the villain is at the end of the first movie, he can still show up in an infinite number of sequels.
* People who bury treasure will always leave riddles to show where it's buried. No one ever asks them why they did this.
* And regardless of where the treasure is buried, or how long it has been there, no one ever finds it by accident.
* Every giant weapon has either a self-destruct button, or a vulnerable spot which could detonate it's fuel reserves and blow it up.
* If you can see into the future, you will be right about everything, except the last thing.
* Racists always quote from the Bible.
* Every stand-up comedy club has a bad professional comic doing old hackneyed jokes in a bow-tie and suspenders, and a guy in the audience heckling him with perfect timing and delivery.
* But a novice who walks on stage unprepared and rants about a recent event is immediately seen as a comedic genius, because that's something that no one has ever seen before.
* Any friend of the hero who is injured, will slip into a coma, and come out of it five seconds after the villain is defeated.
* The villain never surrenders, goes to jail, gets a lawyer, and gets an early parole. Instead, he tries to shoot the hero, misses, and gets killed himself.
* If it wasn't for record scratches, I wouldn't know what part of the trailer was supposed to be funny.
* The way to defuse any bomb is to cut the blue wire, usually at the last possible second.
* Your car can jump any distance. As long as it lands upright, it will keep going and suffer no damage.
* Even before there is any hint of real danger, one of your friends will hide, then jump out and scare you as a prank.
* Even before there is any hint of real danger, you will be scared when your friend sneaks up behind you and grabs your shoulder, not as a prank, but just as a way of saying hello.
* If you hear a sound in the woods, one of three things will happen. A, you'll think it's a killer, but it's your friend playing a prank. B, you'll think it's a killer, but it's really a small animal. Or C, you'll think it's your friend playing a prank, but it's really a killer. No matter how many times this happens, you will NEVER guess it right.
* When the villain has the hero cornered at gunpoint, he will NEVER shoot. He'll just stand there talking to him.
* At least 50% of all people know how to pick locks.
* The biggest, meanest-looking black guy in prison, is always a good person.
* Guys are always surprised to find out that the person who just took off a helmet is a woman. (Okay, it's mostly an 80's gag.)
* Preppy jocky guys always cheat at sports, because it's the only way they can beat their dorky athletically-inferior rivals.
* Music in night clubs is always quiet enough to allow conversation.
* In any bar, there is EXACTLY ONE guy with tattoos and piercings.
* If you're a jerk, just hang around with a retarded guy. He'll turn you into a better person.
* All Buddhists have magickal superpowers.
* Prosthetic limbs have superior speed, strength and dexterity.
* Cell phones never work in an emergency.
* The Government will keep everything a secret, regardless of whether they have anything to gain by it.
* If you're framed for murder, and have to track down the real killer, you immediately have better detective skills than the entire police force.
* You can survive a fall from any height, as long as you land in water.
* Teenagers never have acne. In fact, they usually look about twenty-five.
* There is always an empty parking space right in front of the building.
* Asthma can be cured by having a little more self-confidence. You can just throw away that inhailer.
* Nerdy guys and foreign guys will both say the opposite of something cool. Examples: "Easy as cake." "You mean pie?" "Hey, chill in." "You mean chill out?" "I'm in the room." "You mean in the house?" "Something's going up." "You mean going down?"
* Your hat will never come off during a fight.
* Good witches and cowboys wear white. Bad witches and cowboys wear black.
* You'll never get stuck in traffic, unless it's a major emergency, and there's easy access to some offroad shortcut.
* Cops are powerless to stop speeding cars.
* When the scary music starts, get the fuck out of there!
* Wherever you are in Mexico, there is a Mariachi band playing.
* Wherever you are in France, the Eiffel Tower is directly behind you.
* Ninjas will attack you one at a time, and if you hit them once, they fall down and roll out of the way.
* Most people don't smoke, and the ones who do are bad-ass.
* Heros never injure vital organs.
* People cough just before they die. (The only other time someone coughs is if they just survived poison gas.)
* Airline security personelle are completely incompitent.
* No one knows that real people practice witchcraft. It's a secret that would devistate society if anyone found out.
* You can always catch a last-minute flight. And if not, then there's a pilot with a single-engine craft nearby with no other plans for the day.
* You never run out of money.
* If you need a lot of money in a hurry, an opportunity for exactly the right amount will be brought to your attention almost immediately.
* In a high-speed car chase, the hero's car never crashes into anything. It just causes other crashes to occur in its wake.
* Cars hitting fire hydrants, and causing them to burst open straight upward, is a common occurrence.
* Female action heros are really smug about their independence.
* Cops in blue uniforms aren't good for anything.
* Midgets are funny.
* If you suddenly develop superpowers, your first instinct will be to not tell anyone about it.
* Armor always fits your body's contours perfectlly, regardless of how quickly it was made, from what materials, or in what century.
* People are very skeptical as to the existence of large predatory animals. Good luck trying to convince anyone that there is a (shark, snake, bear, aligator, squid, lion, rabid dog, etc.) in the area.
* Small towns in the middle of nowhere get lots of revenue from tourists, which is why anything dangerous cannot be revealed to the public.
* Crooked CEOs don't think twice about marketing an unsafe product. All they care about is making money. With all their many years of business training and experience, the possibility of losing money due to a lawsuit never occurred to them.
* Sheets come up to the woman's chest, but only up to the man's waist.
* Even after sex, people will still cover themselves up before getting out of the bed.
* In fact, even when they're alone in the house, people will cover themselves up before getting out of the bed.
* Forgein people talk slowly, so the subtitles can keep up with them.
* Teenagers who are metalheads are NOT the cool kids.
* When you're flying through space, you will see stars whizzing past you, even if you haven't hit lightspeed yet.
* The desire for revenge is so strong, that any otherwise ordinary person can come back from the dead because of it.
* Flying a plane is easy. Anyone can figure it out after a few minutes.
* People taking home movies always shake the camera uncontrollably, hold the camera really close to the other person at an odd angle, and point it at their feet when they run.
* Heros never injure vital organs.
* People cough just before they die. (The only other time someone coughs is if they just survived poison gas.)
* Airline security personelle are completely incompitent.
* No one knows that real people practice witchcraft. It's a secret that would devistate society if anyone found out.
* You can always catch a last-minute flight. And if not, then there's a pilot with a single-engine craft nearby with no other plans for the day.
* You never run out of money.
* If you need a lot of money in a hurry, an opportunity for exactly the right amount will be brought to your attention almost immediately.
* In a high-speed car chase, the hero's car never crashes into anything. It just causes other crashes to occur in its wake.
* Cars hitting fire hydrants, and causing them to burst open straight upward, is a common occurrence.
* Female action heros are really smug about their independence.
* Cops in blue uniforms aren't good for anything.
* Midgets are funny.
* If you suddenly develop superpowers, your first instinct will be to not tell anyone about it.
* Armor always fits your body's contours perfectlly, regardless of how quickly it was made, from what materials, or in what century.
* People are very skeptical as to the existence of large predatory animals. Good luck trying to convince anyone that there is a (shark, snake, bear, aligator, squid, lion, rabid dog, etc.) in the area.
* Small towns in the middle of nowhere get lots of revenue from tourists, which is why anything dangerous cannot be revealed to the public.
* Crooked CEOs don't think twice about marketing an unsafe product. All they care about is making money. With all their many years of business training and experience, the possibility of losing money due to a lawsuit never occurred to them.
* Sheets come up to the woman's chest, but only up to the man's waist.
* Even after sex, people will still cover themselves up before getting out of the bed.
* In fact, even when they're alone in the house, people will cover themselves up before getting out of the bed.
* Forgein people talk slowly, so the subtitles can keep up with them.
* Teenagers who are metalheads are NOT the cool kids.
* When you're flying through space, you will see stars whizzing past you, even if you haven't hit lightspeed yet.
* The desire for revenge is so strong, that any otherwise ordinary person can come back from the dead because of it.
* Flying a plane is easy. Anyone can figure it out after a few minutes.
* People taking home movies always shake the camera uncontrollably, hold the camera really close to the other person at an odd angle, and point it at their feet when they run.
* All guys who look nerdy on the outside, have beautiful hearts, if you just look beyond the face.
* All girls who look nerdy on the outside, have beautiful faces, if you just look beyond the glasses.
* An illogical chess player will always beat a logical chess player.
* Solving crimes is not in the job description of a crime lab scientists. They only solve crimes in their free time as a personal favor to the hero, and would probably get in trouble if their boss found out.
* It always rains during funerals.
* Most Americans are pretty physically fit, and the average woman weighs about 100 lbs.
* The slightest mutation or disfiguring injury will make you want to kill people.
* Vicious animals make a lot of noise before they attack, I guess to give you a head start or something.
* It's nearly impossible to survive stepping in quicksand.
* A really easy riddle takes about thirty seconds to solve. A completely impossible riddle, about the same.
* On a moonless night away from all city lights, the woods are pitch blue.
* Women don't have a fight-or-flight reflex. They only have the scream-into-her-wrist-or-faint reflex. (This mostly applies to older movies.)
* Every crowd comes prepared with lettus, eggs and tomatoes, just in case the speaker says something they don't like.
* Resturants keep an endless supply of pies on hand, just in case a fight breaks out.
* If you look up at the sky for more than a few seconds, you will see a very bright shooting star.
* Most scientists aren't afraid to secretly experiment on themselves.
* Every monster needs about twenty minutes of explaining why it's there... Except for zombies. Zombies are just there.
* Tribal medicine men know WAY more than medical scientists.
* Superheros never leave fingerprints.
* All sex results in single simultaneous orgasm, and is usually in the missionary position.
* Interracial couples are a very rare thing.
* You don't have to speak German to infiltrate Nazis. Just speak English with a German accent.
* Extraterrestrials almost always have two arms, two legs, are between one and six feet tall, breath oxygen, survive in an environment between zero and one hundred degrees Fahrenheit and thirty inches of mercury of barometric pressure, have two eyes in the front of the head, two ear-like organs on the sides of the head, two hands with four or five fingers each, have a genetic makeup which can be classified as mammal, reptile or mammal-like-reptile, and wear clothing which covers the naughty bits.
* Extraterrestrial governments can be classified as empire, monarchy, oligarchy, socialist republic or laissez faire republic, and their religion is nonexistant, classical Pagan, or some variation on Monist post-Christian philosophy (as Deism or Pantheism).
* If a human has sex with an extraterrestrial, even one time, the human will get pregnant with a hybrid. (It doesn't matter which one of them is actually the female.)
* Cars will fly the future.
* If an innocent person is sent to prison, they will immediately have to fight off a big gay rapist.
* If you encounter a mythical creature of any kind, there is an elderly European man in your town who will be able to tell you everything you need to know to defeat it.
* There is only one copy of the one book that tells you how to defeat the monster.
* If the story takes place on a completely alien world, the hero is the one who looks the most humanoid.
* People fear what they do not understand, and hate what they fear. This is a serious human failing which cannot be stressed enough.
* Your landlord always comes to tell you the rent is past due, just before your sudden adventure.
* Men who regularly cheat on their wives/girlfriends just assume that all other men will keep their secret.
* Men who "accidentally" cheated just that one time will only get told on by a rival trying to steal his girlfriend.
* A lone hero can always infiltrate an enemy base much more effectively than an entire army.
* The cavalry always comes over the hill in the nick of time. Or in the more modern variation: The cavalry shows up just after the bad guy is killed, to clean up the mess left by the hero, who isn't going to stick around.
* No moderately wealthy person over the age of thirty can have sex without a bottle of champagne, a fireplace and a Barry White record playing.
* Old people know everything, unless they're rednecks.
* All roads zig-zag. If you run in a straight line, you can keep up with any speeding car.
* If you enter the waiting room of a veterinarian's office, you will see one of every kind of animal on earth.
* If someone says the plan can't fail, it will fail miserably, and make the situation worse.
* If someone says the plan has only a one-in-a-billion chance of working, it will work perfectly on the first try.
* Assholes like apples. (I never noticed this one until I started watching Cinemasins.)
* The solution to a problem cannot be solved by thinking about the problem. You have to wait for someone else to say a word or a phrase that will make you think of the answer.
* People in wheelchairs are either saintly individuals who can do no wrong, or evil masterminds trying to take over the world.
* The moment you realize you're gay, the first person you're attracted to is also gay.
* All women (including self-described lesbians) are latently bisexual.
* Guns never run out of bullets unless someone was actually counting the shots.
* Women slap men across the face at the slightest offense, and men are okay with this.
* Woman who are hyper-masculine are "empowered." Men who are hyper-feminine are comic relief.
* Everything in the "good" future is white. Everything in the "bad" future is dark gray.
* People never inspect the new house before buying it. Often, the first time they even see the house is the day they move in.
* If you lose or damage your clothes, the only available replacement will be a t-shirt from a tourist shop.
* You will ALWAYS overhear exactly the wrong part of the conversation, and you will never directly ask the other person to clarify any possible misunderstanding.
* No matter what your adventure was or how long it took, the morning after it's over, you'll think it was all a dream.
* Cool guys don't look at explosions: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sqz5dbs5zmo
...But cool chicks look straight at them without flinching.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Religions
There are six religions in the world that average people have heard of. People generally avoid talking about religion in public, they're not allowed to talk about them in public schools, most TV shows stay off the topic, and religious institutions only talk about their own -- and even then, very few people are paying attention. So we hear about religion through news and movies, and then only under very specific circumstances. One common idea is that people, and Americans in particular, don't care enough to learn about other belief systems, but I think this is unfair. If a person has never heard of Sikhism, he's not going to know that he should ask, "What is Sikhism?" Besides, most people are too practical to do research on topics which haven't come up on their own. So here are the six religions that the average American layperson has heard of:
* Christianity - This religion, we only hear about with regard to Creationism, gay-bashing, or in the case of Catholicism, pederasty. We also know that Catholics have sexy schoolgirl uniforms and exorcist movies. But really, how many people know anything about the specific beliefs and practices of a Mormon, as opposed to a Lutheran, as opposed to a Methodist, an Orthodox Christian, a Jehovah's Witness, a Baptist or a Red-Letter Evangelical? As far as the general public is concerned, Christians are just a radical sect of the Republican Party, and Catholics are a child-raping subdivision of those.
* Judaism - "So then the rabbi says, I throw my money in the air, and God can keep what he wants." That's basically it. People know about Jews through the jokes. It helps a lot that most of the comedians happen to be Jewish themselves. Also, we've seen the marketing promotions for Hannukah, which are now integrated into the Christmas shopping season. As far as the public is concerned, we like Jews, because they make us laugh.
* Muslims - The only time you see Muslims on the news is when they're blowing something up or hijacking a plane... or both. I doubt that the average person knows the specific beliefs of the average Muslim, but most of us know the specific beliefs of the terrorists (seventy-two virgins as a reward for killing an infidel). All the non-terrorist Muslims, as far as the public is concerned, is just women in interesting scarves.
* Scientology - They're basically the popular punch-line these days. People know they believe in aliens, and that Tom Cruise is kind of a nut job. The general public concensus is that it's a scam to sell books and membership fees. The Scientologists themselves tend to resent the way they were made fun of on South Park, but look on the bright side... At least the rest of us have heard of you now.
* Buddhism - Probably everything Americans know about Buddha, we learned from kung fu movies. So as far as the general public is concerned, Buddhists have mystical powers. When it comes to the specifics, most of us really can't distinguish between a Buddhist and other similar religious philosophies, such as Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism or Hare Krishnaism. To most people, it's all just one big category called "Eastern" stuff.
* Atheism - This one is self-explanatory, but I doubt that the average person is well-educated on the distinctions between different atheistic philosophies (e.g. humanism, nihilism, practical atheism, philosophical atheism, implicit atheism, etc.). Just as the Christians only get on the news when they're bashing gays, or the Muslims when they're setting off bombs, the Atheists only get coverage in the media when they're filing some frivilous lawsuit, like having a Christmas tree removed from public site. As far as the general public is concerned, Atheists are a bunch of buzzkills. Also, for whatever reason, people seem to think they have a monopoly on evolutionary theory or even science in general.
...And the rest! As far as the average person is concerned, all beliefs are basically in one of these six categories, and the ones that aren't, should be rounded off to the nearest one. Shinto hasn't been made into any movies or been in any major news stories, therefor, it doesn't exist. Even Wicca, which has appeared in a few movies and television, hasn't stuck around consistently long enough, or in the mainstream, for viewers to bother taking note of it. As far as the general public is concerned, there are gay-bashing Christians, funny Jews, terrorist Muslims, crazy Scientologists, kung fu Buddhists, buzzkill Atheists, and nobody else.
What's even worse, is that six categories is STILL too much for some people's "black-and-white" brains to handle. So we draw a line of demarcation. Americans generally draw the line at something called "Judeo-Christian" beliefs, which basically means those who pray to the God of Abraham... but not the Muslims. In this way, Christians and Jews can stand on one side of the line, and everybody else is on the other. This gets confusing, because political affiliations are much more psychologically dominating than religious affiliations, and Jews and Catholics have a tendency to vote Democrat. Atheists, on the other hand, count the Pagans, the Unitarians, the Deists, the Buddhists, and so on, as being on "their side," that is, the non-Judeo-Christian side of the line.
In Europe, however, the concensus (as far as I can tell) seems to be that the line of demarcation sits between "believers" and "non-believers," which basically means that they divide the world into Atheists and "everyone else." This means that a Wiccan living in the United States gets lumped in with the Atheists, but the same Wiccan living in Europe gets lumped in with the Christians.
Okay, maybe we can't really educate the public on the nuances of the maybe several thousand different religious denominations in the world. But at least, can we try to acknowlege that there are SEVERAL religions? I mean, most people don't know the names, histories, capitals, languages and customs of every single COUNTRY on Earth, but we don't feel the need to "round off" Poland to just "Europe," or Mongolia to just "Asia." You know what? Maybe we need flags. Yeah, maybe if religious symbols had a common shape, the way flags are rectangular, we'd recognize them more easily. Or maybe if we had something analogous to a map, because world maps are everywhere. Anyway, just a thought.
* Christianity - This religion, we only hear about with regard to Creationism, gay-bashing, or in the case of Catholicism, pederasty. We also know that Catholics have sexy schoolgirl uniforms and exorcist movies. But really, how many people know anything about the specific beliefs and practices of a Mormon, as opposed to a Lutheran, as opposed to a Methodist, an Orthodox Christian, a Jehovah's Witness, a Baptist or a Red-Letter Evangelical? As far as the general public is concerned, Christians are just a radical sect of the Republican Party, and Catholics are a child-raping subdivision of those.
* Judaism - "So then the rabbi says, I throw my money in the air, and God can keep what he wants." That's basically it. People know about Jews through the jokes. It helps a lot that most of the comedians happen to be Jewish themselves. Also, we've seen the marketing promotions for Hannukah, which are now integrated into the Christmas shopping season. As far as the public is concerned, we like Jews, because they make us laugh.
* Muslims - The only time you see Muslims on the news is when they're blowing something up or hijacking a plane... or both. I doubt that the average person knows the specific beliefs of the average Muslim, but most of us know the specific beliefs of the terrorists (seventy-two virgins as a reward for killing an infidel). All the non-terrorist Muslims, as far as the public is concerned, is just women in interesting scarves.
* Scientology - They're basically the popular punch-line these days. People know they believe in aliens, and that Tom Cruise is kind of a nut job. The general public concensus is that it's a scam to sell books and membership fees. The Scientologists themselves tend to resent the way they were made fun of on South Park, but look on the bright side... At least the rest of us have heard of you now.
* Buddhism - Probably everything Americans know about Buddha, we learned from kung fu movies. So as far as the general public is concerned, Buddhists have mystical powers. When it comes to the specifics, most of us really can't distinguish between a Buddhist and other similar religious philosophies, such as Taoism, Confucianism, Hinduism or Hare Krishnaism. To most people, it's all just one big category called "Eastern" stuff.
* Atheism - This one is self-explanatory, but I doubt that the average person is well-educated on the distinctions between different atheistic philosophies (e.g. humanism, nihilism, practical atheism, philosophical atheism, implicit atheism, etc.). Just as the Christians only get on the news when they're bashing gays, or the Muslims when they're setting off bombs, the Atheists only get coverage in the media when they're filing some frivilous lawsuit, like having a Christmas tree removed from public site. As far as the general public is concerned, Atheists are a bunch of buzzkills. Also, for whatever reason, people seem to think they have a monopoly on evolutionary theory or even science in general.
...And the rest! As far as the average person is concerned, all beliefs are basically in one of these six categories, and the ones that aren't, should be rounded off to the nearest one. Shinto hasn't been made into any movies or been in any major news stories, therefor, it doesn't exist. Even Wicca, which has appeared in a few movies and television, hasn't stuck around consistently long enough, or in the mainstream, for viewers to bother taking note of it. As far as the general public is concerned, there are gay-bashing Christians, funny Jews, terrorist Muslims, crazy Scientologists, kung fu Buddhists, buzzkill Atheists, and nobody else.
What's even worse, is that six categories is STILL too much for some people's "black-and-white" brains to handle. So we draw a line of demarcation. Americans generally draw the line at something called "Judeo-Christian" beliefs, which basically means those who pray to the God of Abraham... but not the Muslims. In this way, Christians and Jews can stand on one side of the line, and everybody else is on the other. This gets confusing, because political affiliations are much more psychologically dominating than religious affiliations, and Jews and Catholics have a tendency to vote Democrat. Atheists, on the other hand, count the Pagans, the Unitarians, the Deists, the Buddhists, and so on, as being on "their side," that is, the non-Judeo-Christian side of the line.
In Europe, however, the concensus (as far as I can tell) seems to be that the line of demarcation sits between "believers" and "non-believers," which basically means that they divide the world into Atheists and "everyone else." This means that a Wiccan living in the United States gets lumped in with the Atheists, but the same Wiccan living in Europe gets lumped in with the Christians.
Okay, maybe we can't really educate the public on the nuances of the maybe several thousand different religious denominations in the world. But at least, can we try to acknowlege that there are SEVERAL religions? I mean, most people don't know the names, histories, capitals, languages and customs of every single COUNTRY on Earth, but we don't feel the need to "round off" Poland to just "Europe," or Mongolia to just "Asia." You know what? Maybe we need flags. Yeah, maybe if religious symbols had a common shape, the way flags are rectangular, we'd recognize them more easily. Or maybe if we had something analogous to a map, because world maps are everywhere. Anyway, just a thought.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)