Things I'm Sick of Hearing

 Here's a simple list of things I'm sick of hearing people say, and why:

• "Kids today don't know how to use a rotary phone." ~ First of all, why is a rotary phone the go-to example of outdated technology?  Why not a touchtone phone, or a candlestick phone, or a telegraph, or a small note tied to a pigeon's leg?  It seems to me that most of the people referring to rotary phones are people who are just barely old enough to remember them anyway, and probably only used them while visiting their grandparents.  But I guess it's not unusual for old and middle-aged people to exaggerate their childhood experiences (like saying they walked miles to school every day), but this one is oddly specific.  Also, why would a young person ever NEED to know how to use a rotary phone?  Just in case all technology from the past sixty years suddenly disappears?  And then is magically replaced with the earlier versions?  And how hard is it to figure out a rotary phone anyway?  You just turn the dial.  The only real challenge is having to remember other people's phone numbers (or at least, remember where you wrote them down), which old people don't do anymore anyway.  If technology did suddenly and inexplicably regress, EVERYONE would be screwed.
• "You only enjoy that thing because of the reward center of your brain." ~ You usually hear this one from smug intellectual cynics, but it's not only wrong, but also a pointless observation.  I'm no brain surgeon, but even I know that the brain is way more complicated than just having one "happy" switch that turns on and off.  It's basically a modern form of phrenology, an oversimplification of one of the most complex systems to ever exist.  But even if it were as simple as "this one part of the brain either likes a thing or doesn't," it still wouldn't be an answer to WHY you like a thing.  Your brain has to learn what it likes and doesn't like.  Unless it's a direct action on that part of the brain, such as a drug response or some kind of electrode stimulation, your brain's reward center is responding to things that you like because you like them.  What makes you enjoy something?  There are lots of reasons.  Maybe you connect it to a happy childhood memory.  Maybe it fits your sense of personal branding.  Maybe it suggests something good is coming in the future.  Maybe it's a novelty.  Maybe you don't even need a reason.  My point is that saying you like a thing BECAUSE of the reward center is pointing to a piece of the process instead of the actual cause.  It would be like saying that rain is caused by water falling out of the sky.
• "The burden of proof is always on the person making the positive claim." ~ This is another one from the pseudo-intellectuals.  It basically assumes that whoever speaks first is automatically wrong unless they can prove otherwise.  Maybe this comes from courtrooms and the idea of innocent-until-proven-guilty, but it really doesn't make sense in a scientific or philosophical discussion.  For one thing, almost any statement can be reworded from negative to positive.  For example, if one person says "aliens exist," and another person says "no they don't," then the first person is making the positive claim, but if the first person says "earth is not unique for being inhabited," and the second person says "yes it is," then the second claim is positive, even though there is no significant difference in what is being said.  Then, they always give a ridiculous example to prove their point.  Someone might say something like, "if I claim there is a giant hamster about to eat the earth unless you stand on your head, but I can't prove it, then you should assume that there isn't one."  Well, the problem with these hypothetical claims isn't that they're positive, but the fact that they're outlandish.  If I were to claim that somewhere in the world right now, there is a bird sitting in a tree, but I didn't offer proof, it would be silly to assume a default position that there are no birds currently sitting in trees, because the claim is perfectly reasonable.
• "The older I get, the more I realize how smart my parents were." ~ This one is popular with the Baby Boomers.  I really don't like this one, because it assumes that all of our disagreements with our parents are based on either a youthful lack of understanding or a teenage rebellious phase, and that our parents (broadly speaking) had life all figured out and the rest of us will eventually catch up to them.  Look, I don't deny that there are some ways in which we become wiser as we get older, but if we're not getting wiser than the previous generations, then how the hell is humanity ever supposed to advance?  I'm reminded of the old adage, "It is a poor student who cannot surpass the teacher."  Your parents were, at best, trying to give you the tools to do better than them, or at worst, stupid, and it's perfectly okay for you to say so.
• "The male loneliness epidemic." ~ This is some kind of a hybrid thought between people who are so luddite that they think young people have no social lives anymore because of technology (despite most of today's technology being used for social interaction), and men who have this delusional worldview that a cabal of radical feminist overlords are forcing males to stop acting like "normal" men by fucking a hundred different women every night.  Somehow, these two ridiculous ideas have merged together into a kind of technocracy that oppresses men and makes them sad in horrible and unspecific ways.  It's bullshit.  Maybe in some ways, technology has made us more distant in some ways at the same time as making us more connected in others, but what the fuck does being male have to do with it?
• "The President's Day Month-Long Sales Event!" ~ I have to hear this bullshit on every radio station a hundred times a day for the entire month of February, and I'm sick of it.  First, how can a day be a month long?  Second, stop calling a sale an "event."  They keep those balloon arches and wavy arm inflatable tube men up year round, and although I can't be bothered to check, I'm pretty sure the car (or whatever is for sale) prices are the same in February as they are the rest of the year.  And third, what the fuck does any of this have to do with President's Day?  Why does that day get to define February?  Why not Valentine's Day or Groundhog Day or Mardi Gras or Black History Month or the Super Bowl?  How does George Washington's Birthday negate all the other events going on in that month, and what the fuck does any of it have to do with buying a car???
• "Read that again." ~ I'm so tired of posts on social media that make some kind of a point very clearly (sometimes a good point, sometimes bad, sometimes original, sometimes not), but then at the end, it says, "read that again," implying that I wasn't really taking the awesome point into my mind as I should have been.  Just let the point stand on its own.  Granted, there are some situations where a point needs to be repeated for emphasis or clarity, but not EVERY point.  Also, if you want to reiterate a point, how about just repeating it yourself, the way a person would normally talk?  Again, you shouldn't overuse it, but on those occasions where it seems appropriate, saying something a second time is more in line with what readers are used to hearing in normal conversation.  And while I'm on the subject, not every point needs to be literally underlined or highlighted in yellow or typed in all caps or boldface or have arrows pointing at it from all sides with the word 'THIS."  It's the text equivalent of grabbing someone by the caller and shouting in their face for a mundane conversation.  Oh, and it's not just social media either.  New age and self-help books tend to go hog wild on placing italics everywhere, as if every other sentence in the entire book was the most important statement you'll read in your entire life.
• "So-and-so predicted the future." ~ I've heard this about George Carlin, The Simpsons, Idiocracy, and every other social commentary or parody artist for the past thirty years.  No, they didn't "predict the future."  They were talking about the present, and nothing changed.  Will Rogers was making fun of politicians believing in trickle-down economics back in the early 1900s.  The problems and stupidity of today are not new things.
• "It's like astrology, but for boys." ~ This is just plain stupid.  It's always when someone is making fun of some nerdy dorky thing, and for some reason, decides not only to compare it to astrology (which would only make sense if the nerdy thing was some sort of fortune-telling, which it usually isn't), but to then gender-specify it in such a way that it assumes that all dorky things are guy things EXCEPT for astrology, which is suddenly a girls' thing.  When the fuck did that happen?  I have no recollection of astrology ever being a girls' thing.  A hippy thing, sure.  A simpleton thing, naturally.  A 1970s thing, absolutely.  But a girls' thing?  Now you're just making shit up.
• "Vinyl is making a comeback." ~ Every few years, somebody thinks it's funny to point out that people are suddenly buying vinyl records again.  Vinyl never went away!  It just shifted from being the "only" way to listen to music to being the "classy" way to listen to music, and that was a long time ago.  Nobody is abandoning their streaming music apps to switch to vinyl.  It's just the same niche interest that it's been since CDs became the standard media thirty years ago.  (And by the way, vinyl was not replaced by eight-tracks or cassettes.  Eight-tracks were a way to listen to music in cars and for playing commercials and jingles on the radio, and cassettes replaced eight-tracks in cars, and were played alongside vinyl in the home.  The CD replaced the cassette, and the MP3 replaced everything except vinyl.)

More to follow!