I think it's safe to say that all of the fashion magazines for women are either written by flamboyantly gay European men or women who have been living in the fashion world so long, that their brains have turned to plastic. The irony is that most of the articles in these magazines (or magazine-type shows and websites, because who reads paper magazines anymore) seem to be implying that the goal is to be more attractive to heterosexual men. Yes, some magazines do offer "a man's point of view," but these articles are almost entirely written by women or by men being told what to say by the women in charge of the magazine. (And no, that's not conjecture. It's a fact. I saw it on "Penn & Teller's Bullshit.")
Anyway, it got me to thinking... What if straight men wrote for women's magazines, and told women, right out, what it is that we want? So here is my idea of a women's fashion magazine written by a straight man:
THE HOT NEW CLOTHING FASHIONS FOR THIS YEAR: What's wrong with the clothes you wore last year? Really, what you've got on now looks fine.
HOTTEST NEW SHOE FASHIONS: It doesn't matter. We never notice your shoes. The only guys who pay attention to women's shoes are fetishists, and unless you're a fellow freak, you're probably better off avoiding those guys. Just wear whatever you want. (But if you choose to wear high heels, don't come compaining to me later that your feet hurt, because it's your own damn fault.)
DIETING TIPS: Don't bother. You get cranky and irritable when you're hungry. Plus, if you go on a diet, then you'll probably expect me to go on a diet too. Besides, chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and fatty foods make your tits and ass bigger. Eat more junk food.
HOW TO GET THE PERFECT BODY: There isn't one. Some guys like skinny women, some guys like fat women, some guys like muscular women, but the majority of guys like average-looking women. (Surprised? Don't be. That's how it got to be the average in the first place.) I don't know anyone, though, who is attracted to a skeleton, so as long as you're not starving, you should be okay.
SEX TIPS: Here's how you can drive your man wild in the bedroom. Show up. Honestly, we're just glad that you're a part of this. Of course, if want to do something really wild for those special occasions, just ask your man to go through his mental rolodex of crazy ideas he got from porno movies (every guy has this), and pick out whichever one is the least illegal.
THE SEXIEST NEW LINGERE: The easier it is to get it off of you, the better. I recommend a towel.
THE PERFECT SCENT TO ATTRACT A MAN: Food.
STUCK IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP?: If your man is an asshole, here's a surefire way to improve your life. Step one: Kick his ass. (If he's bigger and stronger than you, which isn't as common as it used to be, you may have a friend kick his ass for you.) Step two: Stop dating him, or anyone similar to him. Step three: Date someone who is not an asshole. I recommend myself.
COMPATIBILITY QUIZ: 1) Do you like him? 2) Does he like you? 3) Seriously, do you need a third question? Put down the quiz, and stop trying to ruin a good thing.
HOW TO GET YOUR MAN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT: Here's a novel idea. Drop the cryptic bullshit and just tell him. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually does work.
MAKE-UP TIPS: I won't lie. Some guys like goth chicks, some guys like glamour gals, and some guys like the girl-next-door look... But there are NO GUYS who like a woman to hog the bathroom for three hours getting ready! So let's pick the lesser of two evils, and go au natural.
HOW TO FIND THE PERFECT GUY: There is no such thing. Seriously, you might as well be looking for a unicorn. You want a guy you'll be happy with? It's a three-step process. First, look at all the guys who listen to most of the same kinds of music that you like. Generally, people who like the same music have most of the same interests in other areas. Second, cross off all the guys who are drunks, rapists, cheaters, stalkers, deadbeats, wife-beaters, drug-addicts, or have other personalities living in their heads. (Despite what you've seen on the Lifetime Network, there aren't that many.) Third, select from the remaining list whoever is the least unpleasant to look at, and there you go.
BUT SHOULDN'T I BE DEDICATING MY LIFE TO SPENDING LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY SO THAT I CAN LIVE UP TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY, AND JUSTIFY IT BY SAYING THAT I'M DOING IT ALL FOR MY MAN (EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER NOTICES), OUT OF THE FEAR THAT I MIGHT LOSE HIM AND FIND MYSELF *GASP* SINGLE FOR A SHORT WHILE?!: Ummmmmm.... No.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR. I'M NOT A FEMINIST, SO YOU CAN JUST BE YOUR HONEST SELF AROUND ME. NOW, HONESTLY, YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO MAKE MYSELF PRETTY FOR YOU, WHILE YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL I SNAP AND STAB YOU, RIGHT?: Uhhhhhhhhhhh....... Fine, whatever. I give up.
Well, that about sums it up. By the way, if you're a man taking fashion advice from gay men ("Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"), then I advise you to take a look at how badly women have been torturing themselves to live up to what they've been brainwashed to think that straight men want, and then ask yourself, "Do I trust the same gay guys to tell me how to torture myself to live up to what they think that straight women want?" Yeah, I didn't think so. The only people who should be taking fashion advice from gay guys are other gay guys.
And ladies, if you feel the urge to tell us to "stop doing the nice guy routine," because we think it's what you want from us... We know already! We're not pretending to be pussies to get laid. Some of us really are pussies. You think we haven't noticed women fawning over the hunky athletic guys? We're not blind. Telling us it's okay to be more like a "real man," is like telling women that it's okay to be a slutty cheerleader.
One last thing I have to point out. There is no problem in society with the standard of beauty for women. Go on any homemade porn site, and you'll see the most honest comments from everyone about what we actually find attractive. You might be saying to yourself, "But don't young girls have an obligation to look like fashion models, which is why they become annhorexic or bullemic?" No, dipshit. Eating disorders are signs of a neurosis, not a cultural problem. Compuslive hand washers aren't caused by trying to live up to watch catalogs. Get these people some medical help. Adding an extra five pounds to a person whose job it is to show us clothes, and calling it an "attainable goal" is not the answer! Really, what is a model anyway? It's just a human being doing the job of a hanger. I don't know where we got this idea that anyone should be trying to look like them. What next, are we going to start using shorter basketball players, taller jockeys, and thinner sumo wrestlers, so that guys don't feel like our goals are unattainable? There's no such thing as an attainable goal, because everyone's body is different. And don't get me started on the Barbie dolls. I had an Optimus Prime as a kid, but you don't see me suffering an inferiority complex because I'm not a thirty-foot-tall shapeshifting robot. Okay, I'm done now.
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