Constitutional Proposal Additional Notes

 Notations and explanations of the purpose of each clause in my New Constitutional Proposal:

https://shawnravenfire.blogspot.com/2023/06/constitutional-proposal.html

Article 1, Section A, Paragraph i:  This will spare the American public from having to deal with overbearing national election cycles, while still allowing states the freedom to hold elections for council positions if they so choose.

Article 1, Section A, Paragraph ii:  Historically, states have been concerned with the number of representatives from each state, and the impact of some states having more votes than others.  By explicitly stating that councils are not required to give one vote to each representative, by that they are free to use a caucus or roundtable discussion system, no state will need to worry about being out-voted by a state with more representatives.  Additionally, without formal rules about how long each representative is permitted to speak, we eliminate the problem of representatives arguing about gaining additional time to speak on important issues (as with the House) or of representatives filibustering to stall legislation (as with the Senate).

1, A, iii:  The purpose of this clause is to eliminate long-term career politicians, and to prevent any one representative from gaining too much power.

1, A, iv:  This is in response to previous incidents during which Senate committees have been formed with unelected activists acting as committee members.  Note that this does not preclude councils from inviting a guest to speak as an expert on a particular topic, or from seeking advice from experts.  Only that these experts may not serve in the same capacity as the representatives.

1, A, v:  This is to help alleviate any states' concerns about what might happen if they don't have constant representation in every council.  Smaller states may not wish to appoint any council members if they feel it's not necessary or might be a waste of time and money, but still want to have a backup plan if it becomes necessary later.  Ideally, councils will not be oversaturated with members, as this can slow down the legislative process.

1, A, vi:  A simple limitation to prevent councils from exceeding their authority.

1, A, vii:  In addition to the obvious reason of avoiding waste of taxpayer money, this will also hopefully alleviate the psychological effect of council members feeling a sense of superiority, as well as deter candidates seeking personal gain.

1, A, viii:  Standard anti-corruption clause.

1, A, ix:  Purposefully vague, but will hopefully prevent issues on deciding where to locate offices, as well as prevent one state from gaining undue power through deals with specific councils.  Most likely, most if not all offices will continue to be located in Washington, but there is nothing to prevent them from relocating for whatever reason.

1, A, x:  A variation on Article I, Section 6 of the U.S. Constitution, but instead of being "privileged from arrest," they will simply not be detained from their duties.  This way, council members may not use their position as a means of immunity, but simply avoid the disruption of council proceedings.

1, B, i:  Due to the complexity of the various pros and cons of central banking, fiat money, commodity-backed money, etc. this clause is left deliberately open-ended, giving the Financial Council the freedom to alter and adapt the monetary system as they see fit, as opposed to just having a fixed system that could potentially fail, requiring a difficult amending process.

1, B, ii:  This is to prevent a government shutdown from occurring as a result of budget disagreements, as well as preventing the Financial Council from gaining too much power.

1, B, iii and iv:  This is to protect the poor and middle-class from having to bear most of the tax burden.

1, B, v:  This, of course, is to put an end to the controversial practice of large corporations receiving huge sums of money from the government, claiming to be "too big to fail."

1, B, vi and vii:  A more clarified continuation of some of the powers granted in Article 1, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, as well as preserving existing antitrust laws.

1, C, i and ii:  Protection for the existing benefits programs.

1, C, iii:  This is a failsafe clause for economic crisis.  While UBI has been suggested by never implemented, this clause allows a pathway to start this or a similar program should the need arise.

1, D, i:  This is in response to recent controversial proposals to expand the Supreme Court in order to give a majority to activist judges wishing to overturn previous rulings.

1, D, ii:  This is to prevent any one office from becoming too powerful by having the ability to grant pardons to anyone, regardless of the nature of the crime committed.

1, D, iii:  This is to prevent federal law enforcement from becoming more powerful than state or local law enforcement, as well as to have the Civil Rights Council act as a watchdog over the Department of Justice.

1, D, iv through vi:  Adding separate sections for election rules, law-enforcement rules and general rights will make it easier for people to review their protected rights (as opposed to listing them in the order in which they were ratified).

1, D, iv, 1:  To avoid the controversial suggestion of mandatory voting, and protect the rights of the people to refuse to participate.

1, D, iv, 2:  To avoid the problems of jerrymandering, disloyal electors, and other risk factors which have on multiple occasions resulted in the election of a president (or other officer) who did not win the popular vote.  The dissolution of the electoral college has been a frequent proposal throughout U.S. history.

1, D, iv, 3:  A continuation of the 26th Amendment.  This will allow states to lower the legal voting age (something that has been suggested in recent years) if they choose, but will not allow them to raise the voting age higher than it currently is.

1, D, iv, 4:  A continuation of the 24th Amendment.

1, D, iv, 5:  Codifies absentee ballot rights into writing, avoiding a recurrence of controversies regarding the counting of absentee ballots.

1, D, iv, 6:  A continuation of the 15th and 19th Amendments, plus preventative measures against any future forms of discrimination.

1, D, iv, 7:  Hopefully to help break up the two-party duopoly, discourage mud-slinging campaigns, and avoid the need for special runoff elections.

1, D, iv, 8:  This is to discourage candidates or options from being dismissed by voters due to lack of availability in neighboring states or districts, and to avoid the issue of votes becoming obsolete if a candidate drops out of a race partway through an election.

1, D, iv, 9:  This is to help discontinue multi-state political parties, to discourage trading public endorsements for backdoor deals, and to discourage politicians from gaining too much control of a council by supporting politicians who will appoint representatives with a shared agenda.

1, D, iv, 10 and 12:  This leaves election rules open-ended for issues like broadcast campaign ads, campaign financing, misleading ads, spamming, etc.  Since no one can possibly plan for every possible form of corruption, regulators need room to adapt to new situations.  This also prevents unfair treatment in the case of one group of states fearing that another group of states is more likely to act dishonestly.

1, D, v, 1:  A continuation of rights protected in Article 1, Section 10 of the U.S. Constitution.

1, D, v, 2:  A continuation of the 4th Amendment, with some additional wording adapted for the digital age.

1, D, v, 3:  This grants further protection against unlawful searches, preventing police from avoiding consequences for their misdeeds.  At the same time, this guarantees that courts can still convict violent criminals, even if there are legal issues regarding how the evidence was obtained.  Note that the specific disciplinary actions are not specified, but left up to the states to decide.  The purpose is simply to avoid favoritism within the police force.

1, D, v, 4:  A continuation of the rights protected by the 5th and 6th Amendments.

1, D, v, 5:  A continuation of the 5th Amendment protection against self-incrimination, but with some additional wording.  Police can no longer trick or threaten people into confessing, and police must give complete and honest testimony in the execution of their own duties, even if that includes self-incrimination of police misconduct.  Police are supposed to enforce the law, including on themselves.

1, D, v, 6 through 9:  Additional protections against police misuse of power, and codifying existing protections.

1, D, v, 10 and 11:  Additional continuation of rights protected by the 5th Amendment.

1, D, v, 12:  A continuation of the 8th Amendment.

1, D, v, 13:  This is to settle the debate regarding the abolition of the death penalty, and eliminates the risk of executing any innocent person mistakenly convicted.

1, D, v, 14:  This is in response to current overuse of prison labor.

1, D, v, 15:  This will save authorities the trouble of having to systematically pardon and expunge the records of offenders for repealed crimes, as is currently happing with a lot of non-violent drug-related crimes, and may come up in the future with other types of crimes.

1, D, v, 16:  This is to protect the rights of voters, gun-owners, and persons wishing to run for office.  Currently, the rights of ex-cons varies from state to state.

1, D, v, 17:  This eliminates the problems of diplomatic immunity, and also guarantees that public officials will have to face the same consequences for crimes as everyone else.

1, D, v, 18:  Avoids the "just following orders" defense.

1, D, v, 19:  This is to impose a strict penalty for police who abuse their authority, and eliminate the old practice of planting evidence on suspects or political enemies.

1, D, v, 20:  Codifies the existing practice of compensating jurors, but adds that it should be "fair," as opposed to the usual pittance.

1, D, v, 21:  This is to eliminate mandatory minimum sentencing laws, as have been imposed in the past, particularly with non-violent offenders who otherwise would have been dismissed by judges.  However, it does specify that unusual or extenuating circumstances are a requirement, meaning that judges cannot abuse the privilege by playing favorites.

1, D, v, 22:  A continuation of the 7th Amendment, but with the amount increased due to inflation.

1, D, v, 23:  This reverses the highly controversial 11th Amendment, which has caused problems for several groups, especially civil service workers.

1, D, vi, 1:  A continuation of the 1st Amendment's protection of religious freedom, but with some modified wording.  States do have the right to acknowledge the existence of a majority religion, provided that none are shown preferential treatment.  This provides a far more clear definition of purpose than the commonly used "separation of church and state" quote from Jefferson's explanation of the 1st Amendment.

1, D, vi, 2:  Another continuation of the 1st Amendment, but codifying into writing the same restrictions (such as yelling "fire" in a crowded theater) that were previously only implied.

1, D, vi, 3:  A continuation of the 1st Amendment's protection of free assembly.

1, D, vi, 4:  A continuation of the 1st Amendment's protection of the right to petition, but adding the word "means," so as to guarantee that representatives have clear open lines of communication with their constituents.

1, D, vi, 5:  A continuation of the 2nd Amendment, but with additional wording to codify existing regulations on weapons which would not have been available when the original 2nd Amendment was written.  However, the specific wording is still kept open to interpretation so as to avoid issues in the future as new weapon technology is invented.

1, D, vi, 6:  Protection of property rights previously only implied.

1, D, vi, 7:  A continuation of the 13th Amendment, but with some additional clarification.  A person who commits a crime may be forced to directly compensate for that crime (for example, a person who paints graffiti on someone else's property may be forced to wash off the graffiti), as opposed to simply being forced to work for the state after having committed an unrelated minor offense.

1, D, vi, 8:  This resolves the controversial issue of married status having a different tax return form than single status, as well as continues the protections of several states' "no fault divorce" laws (starting with California's Family Law Act) and the same-sex marriage protection of "Obergefell v Hodges," as well as any future marriage issues that may arise involving non-traditional wedding rituals or practitioners of polyamory.  (Granted, this may mean that private insurance companies may have to update their spousal benefit insurance policies, but that shouldn't be a problem.)

1, D, vi, 9:  This codifies the abortion rights protected by Roe v Wade, eliminates the problems of failed drug and alcohol prohibition laws, and protects the rights of sex workers.  The general consensus for some time has been that government should not infringe upon bodily autonomy.

1, D, vi, 10:  This provides a protection of business-owners not to have to deal with unfair zoning laws.

1, D, vi, 11:  Codifies into law existing transportation rights previously only implied.

1, D, vi, 12:  The legal adulthood of persons 18 or older is more or less standard practice already, but this eliminates odd exceptions.  (For example, there is no reason why a person should have to be 18 to buy tobacco, but 21 to buy alcohol.)  The clause about extending rights to younger people is included to avoid any misinterpretation that persons under 18 have no rights at all (for example, getting a driver's license at 16).

1, D, vi, 13 and 14:  This is mainly to avoid mandatory education, and protect the rights of home-schooling.  It also avoids a recurrence of previous incidents in which French Cajun or Native American children were forcibly indoctrinated into Anglo-American cultures.  However, the phrase "in their homes" is included to avoid the possibility of any parent assuming that their children can do whatever they want outside of the home without consequence.

1, D, vi, 15:  This effectively eliminates the line of separation between citizens and non-citizens.

1, D, vi, 16 through 18:  This is a preventative measure against the possibility that some future lawmaker might claim that his own department doesn't have the same restrictions as another department, or that a town may decide to infringe upon freedoms on the basis that only the word "state" was used in protecting these rights.  The protection of intentional communities is to avoid a possible loophole that some future person may join such a community and then claim rights infringement (for example, someone moving into an Amish village and then claiming the local rules do not apply to him).

1, D, vi, 19:  An open-ended clause so that if any future civil rights issues should come up, there would not be a need for a constitutional amendment or a Supreme Court case.

1, E, i:  Adds an extra layer of protection of state sovereignty.

1, E, ii:  Adds an extra layer of protection of treaty compliance.

1, E, iii:  It has been an established general policy to avoid supporting nations which violate human rights.  However, this clause explicitly gives the Foreign Affairs Council control over those decisions.  Obviously, there are some cases where completely cutting off trade with a foreign nation isn't feasible, but this will allow the Council to use their best judgement in cases like this.

1, E, iv:  Provision in case the matter ever comes up.

1, E, v:  A continuation of the Peace Corps, listed separately from the rest of the military so as to avoid disruption to humanitarian services.

1, E, vi:  The purpose here is to avoid having a centralized standing military which may be misused by the federal government.  This has the added effect of keeping military forces close to home, so personnel, when not deployed, can be close to their homes, as well as allowing states to decide how best to train and operate their own forces.  The lack of a minimum readiness requirement is necessary so that smaller states need not waste time or money on a small military force that is unlikely to make a significant difference in time of war.

1, E, vi, 1:  Mainly, this is to alleviate any concerns that opponents to this constitution may have about each state having its own military.

1, E, vi, 2 and 3:  This is to prevent another situation like the Vietnam War, involving deployment of troops without a formal declaration of war, and then retroactively committing to war after troops have been deployed.  Particularly stated goals are to avoid a recurrence of situations like the Iraq War, involving an invasion force without a long-term strategy.

1, E, vi, 4:  This resolves the problem of the absence of a president in time of war.  It also helps to make sure that only the best person for the job is in command, as opposed to an all-purpose politician acting as commander-in-chief.

1, E, vi, 5 and 6:  Clarifies the new powers and limitations on each state having its own military.

1, E, vi, 7:  A continuation of the 3rd Amendment, plus the permanent elimination of the military draft, which became highly controversial during the Vietnam War.

1, E, vi, 8 and 9:  This is to prevent a recurrence of unconscionable experiments such as those conducted during the Vietnam War.

1, E, vi, 10:  This is to prevent a recurrence of internment camps, such as those used against the Japanese in World War II.

1, E, vi, 11:  A continuation of the 5th Amendment's exception for active duty military personnel, but clarifying that it only applies where standard legal protections are not feasible.

1, E, vi, 12:  Codifies existing standard practices which avoid recurrences of the surprise alliances during World War I.

1, E, vi, 13:  This is to prevent a recurrence of the use of nuclear weapons on Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and the long-term effects of chemicals used in World War II and Vietnam, as well as in response to practices of waterboarding and other forms of aggressive interrogations, and to provide codified rules and penalties for mistreatment of prisoners such as was the case in Guantanamo Bay.

1, E, vi, 14:  This is to send a message to all foreign governments (Israel, for example) that they should not expect military support while engaging in severe human rights violations.

1, E, vi, 15:  This disincentivizes wars for profit, such as the expansion of lands during the Mexican-American War, or taking control of oil resources through the wars in the Middle East.

1, E, vi, 16:  Already a standard war practice, but here codified.

1, E, vi, 17:  Allows for intelligence gathering, while correcting the previous omission that secret intelligence has historically never been well-regulated.

1, E, vi, 18:  Provides a prescribed pathway in the event of a foreign leader going rogue.

1, E, vi, 19:  This guarantees that existing veteran benefits will continue, and prevents a recurrence of the unnecessary suffering of many Vietnam War veterans.

1, F and G:  This is to ensure that only those who have the necessary specialized knowledge of their respective fields will be in a position to make policy changes for those departments where scientific or industrial knowledge is necessary.

1, H, i and ii:  A continuation of several of the restrictions placed by Article 1, Section 9 of the U.S. Constitution.

1, H, iii through vii:  This is a direct response to recent abuses of power by Immigration and Customs Enforcement, as well as avoiding the problem of resident aliens being treated differently under law from citizens.

1, H, viii:  A continuation of powers granted in Article 1, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution dealing with ships on the high sees, but with additional wording to include spacecraft.

1, I:  A continuation of the copyright protections guaranteed in Article 1, Section 8 of the U.S. Constitution, and the census defined in Article 1, Section 2.

1, I, i:  A continuation of the Freedom of Information Act.

1, I, ii:  This is a direct response to the redactions in the recent the Epstein Files.

1, I, iii:  A continuation of existing practices.

1, I, iv:  This is a continuation and codification of existing practices.

1, J:  This provides a means for large-scale infrastructure projects similar to Hoover Dam to be developed independently of any of the other councils or departments.

2, A:  This is to minimize the problem of excessive department creations or arbitrary reorganizations, such as the Department of Homeland Security.

2, B:  This reinforces the idea that the executive departments are intended to be subordinate to the legislatures, and provides a much simpler means of dealing with insubordination than a lengthy impeachment process, as well as preventing rogue executive decisions (for example, Andrew Jackson's unauthorized forced relocation of the Cherokees).

2, C:  This is to prevent random people from being placed in positions of excessive authority, such as with the Department of Government Efficiency.

2, D:  To protect people dependent on government services from suffering under rogue executive decisions, while waiting for the council to deal with the rogue executive.

2, E:  This provides quick responses in the event of a crisis, such as with Covid or 9/11.

2, F:  This is in response to economic effects caused during the Covid quarantines.

2, G:  Codifies existing federal labor practices into the constitution.

2, H:  Protects lower echelon government workers against pay cuts or loss of benefits in response to concerns of overspending.

3, A through D:  An adaptation of impeachment proceedings based on those described in Article 1, Sections 2 and 3 of the U.S. Constitution, but applied to state authorities, and shall only be used in severe cases.

4, A and B:  This further protects the rights of states to self-governance, while at the same time, protecting against abuse of the privilege of secession or reorganization.  Note that this does not require that all states directly-elected chief authorities, but rather that all authorities be held accountable.

4, C:  This is to discourage states from seceding for frivolous reasons, or with the intent of removing the people's rights, but also, to establish that states who have legitimate reasons for secession won't feel forced to stay solely for the sake of federal aid.

5:  This provides a simpler means of amendment, while at the same time, avoiding the problem of states having voted to ratify an amendment long ago, and basically forgetting having done so (such as may or may not have happened with the highly disputed anti-nobility 13th Amendment).

6:  Not to be taken as a permanent listing of federal departments, but rather as a temporary means of reorganizing the existing federal departments and integrating them into the new system without having to deal with the inconvenience of starting from scratch.

Married with Children

 I notice a lot of people on YouTube reacting to the "Al Bundy's Best Insults" compilation video, and I feel the need to point out that these sorts of compilation videos fail to represent the true spirit of the character and "Married with Children" overall.

Al Bundy is a loser (that's the whole joke that the show is based around). His "best insults" are just his impotent rage (both figuratively and literally), because his lives in a world where he knows that he's the one ultimately getting screwed. By taking his insults out of context, it frames Al as the one standing firm against a world gone mad.

The original premise behind "Married with Children" was a mockery of modern (at the time) television, which many people saw as too sanitized, too politically correct, too artificially wholesome, and just plain too nice and clean. In fact, the originally pitched title for the shows was "Not the Cosbys." Ed O'Neil (who played Al) said in an interview that he based his performance on an uncle of his who went through life with a constant self-defeating attitude. Basically, the whole joke of the show was "let's do a sit-com where everyone acts like the OPPOSITE of every other sit-com." The mother is the opposite of the perfect homemaker. The kids are the opposite of well-adjusted youngsters who learn valuable life lessons. The father is the opposite of the head of the household who knows best. The show became popular because of how different it was from every other show at the time.

This is the point that seems to be lost on modern audiences, who have been presented with a narrative that television used to be a lot LESS politically correct, and that MwC was "typical" of shows at the time when you could "get away with a lot more," when in fact, the opposite is true. MwC was mocking the political correctness of the time. Al Bundy was not a "typical" character who was above the situation, but an atypical character who was crushed by it.

Strangely, if Al Bundy were a real person, he would fit in quite well today with the social media "alpha male" crowd, the weak loser beta male trying so hard to make himself look like a tough guy online, presenting himself as a brave resistor of the radical feminist oppression of masculinity, while everyone else just sees him as a joke, rolls their eyes, and ignores him. "No Ma'am" has gone from a joke on television to a joke in real life. Doesn't anyone else get that?

Rules for People with Radios

If you've ever worked in a place where they have a radio playing all day, then you know that there are some annoying as fuck things that need to be addressed.  Some people should just not be allowed to choose a radio station.  Where to even begin?

First of all, let me just say that if you can afford to buy a speaker with the cool moving lights on it, and one that is loud enough to be heard throughout the entire department, then you can afford the extra couple of bucks to spend on the ad-free music subscription.  I pay for ad-free radio, and I shouldn't have to listen to commercials while I'm at work.  And radio commercials are the worst.  I don't know where these people learned to talk, but no human being anywhere outside of radio ads sounds like that.  It's like a person with histrionic disorder taking cocaine, and then trying to talk through a closed door, while portraying a cartoon character.  And the worst of the worst are the car commercials.  I'd be very happy to go the rest of my life without ever again hearing the phrase "sales event."  A sale is not an event!  Just because you leave a balloon arch and a wavy arm tube man up year-round, does not mean that buying a car is festive!  And what's with those ads that think it's "clever" to act out the ad as if they were leaving a voicemail?  You know the ones.  The ones that have the old-fashioned answering machine beep.  "Hey, insert name, it's your stereotypical Jewish mother calling to tell you about the great deals as who-gives-a-shit restaurant, and how come you never call me back?  Beeeeeep."  Who started this shit, and why is it still going on?

Second rule, avoid the top forty stations.  I'm not saying never play them, but don't play them all the time, unless you want to hear a very short list of songs played over and over again, that have nothing in common with each other aside from the fact that they're all recent.  To quote the famous Sagat, "Why is it that when I'm listenin' to da radio, I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?  Funk dat!"

Third rule, if you pick the Spanish station, do me a favor, and pick one of the stations that lets the song actually play all the way through.  Do NOT pick one of the stations where the DJ has to interrupt the music about every ten to fifteen seconds shouting "ARRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIBAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  And I am not exaggerating.  It's fucking nonstop.  And that's not all.  They also throw in DJ tags and sound effects like hawk calls and car horns.  Who the fuck asked for that?  I'm at work, so stop telling me, in any language, to get on the dancefloor.  Also, why do they have ads for Taco Bell on the Spanish music station?  Who the hell is from a Spanish-speaking country and actually likes Taco Bell?

Fourth rule, and I cannot stress this one enough.  I don't want to hear any fucking Christmas music until AT LEAST the beginning of December!  October is for Halloween music, December is for Christmas music, maybe you can throw on "Alice's Restaurant" around Thanksgiving, and the rest of the year should just be "normal" music.  If I have to listen to a fucking Christmas song the first week of November, I might just take a baseball bat to the speakers!

Fifth rule, and this one is just common courtesy, but it needs to be said.  If someone is already listening to music on a small radio, don't be a dick and set up a bigger radio on a different station right next to him.  It's just...  dude, seriously?

Sixth rule, pay attention to what you're actually playing.  Don't just set your app up to auto-play your favorites, and then walk away, not bothering to check what's actually playing.  True story, I had a coworker set up a large radio for the whole department, and somehow, after finishing a few decent songs, it started playing an audiobook of a biography of Julius Caesar.  At first, I didn't say anything.  I figured, he's going to come back and notice, right?  He's not going to let this whole thing play through, right?  Nope, it just kept playing.  By first break, I knew more about Roman senate proceedings than I ever cared to know.  By lunchtime, I was ready to stab the bastard myself.  Please, stick to music!

Seventh rule, when I'm playing music on a small radio, don't be that boss who, even though he can make a phone call from anywhere in the building, decides to come over and stand right next to me, start talking on the phone, and then ask me to turn down my music because he's on the phone.  I'm standing there thinking, "you know you could just go stand somewhere else, dipshit!"  Of course, I don't say that out loud, because I want to keep my job.  So I just say, "sure, no problem."  But come on!

Eighth rule, I know that some DJs like to make a big deal about Friday close to quitting time, and how excited we all are for the weekend to start.  But that is NOT the radio station you want to be playing for people who work weekend shift!  I worked late shift at this one place that had a seven-day work schedule for all employees, and every Friday, right as we were returning from first break, the DJ on the radio station that was being piped through the PA system would say, "IT'S FRIDAY!!!!" and start playing "Everybody's Working for the Weekend."  Don't add insult to injury!  It's bad enough we didn't have any nights off, but did we need to be subjected to this reminder that in a different reality, we were all going home to relax?

Nineth rule, stay away from those DJs who are just so in love with the sound of their own voice.  You know the ones.  They play five minutes of music, and then talk for ten minutes about nothing.  They laugh way too hard at their own jokes.  They throw in the same wacky sound effects over and over, like it's some form of obsessive compulsive disorder.  They have to play a doorbell, a trumpet, a clip from a movie from five years ago, and the mating call of a South American tree frog, in that order, exactly thirty-seven times, because somebody said the word "the."  They're the ones who take half an hour to tell a five-minute story about a pizza arriving late.  Nobody fucking cares!  Worst of all, are the ones who act like perverts, because they think it makes them edgy.  This ain't the 1980s, you ain't Howard Stern, and nobody fucking thinks you're edgy!

Tenth rule, if you get bad reception, just shut it off.  I'd rather listen to dead silence than listen to that intermittent on-and-off punctuated by static.  If I can only hear about a half-a-second of a song at a time, just...  stop.

How I would do a Universal Monsters Cinematic Universe

Following the box office failure of "Dracula Untold" and the critical and commercial failure of the Dark Universe's "The Mummy," I decided to try my hand at figuring out how I would like to see a rebooted Universal Monsters cinematic universe.  I won't go into details about the plots of each movie, because people familiar with the books and the old movies are already well-enough aware of the storylines.  So instead, I'll just focus on what types of changes and additions I would make.  Also, while I'll be focusing mainly on Universal monsters, I still want to incorporate some additional monsters from Victorian gothic literature and other iconic classic monster movies.

Maybe give the entire story some steampunk aspect, making it unclear exactly what time period is being depicted?  This would keep in line with the classic movies having some modern elements in the city scenes, but old-timey elements in the rural regions, plus play into the steampunk aspects seen in other monster movie reboots.

One of the main recurring themes, in keeping with the tradition of the original films, is that the monsters are clearly divided into "pure evil" (such as Dracula) and "sympathetic" (such as Frankenstein's Monster), or even "redeemable" (such as the Phantom of the Opera).  While the originals tended to follow the formula of "good human kills bad monster" or "sympathetic monster kills bad human, but is also himself killed," this series should start out in a similar way, but gradually shift toward the more modern formula of "good monster kills bad monster."

1:  "Frankenstein" - Open with a person watching a video of a Woody Woodpecker cartoon.  (This establishes the Universal brand.)  We learn that this is taking place on Captain Walton's ship in the Arctic, and that the expedition was commissioned by Elsa Frankenstein, who is searching for signs of her ancestor's lost experiment.  (Due to the cold weather gear, we don't yet get a clear view of Elsa's face.)  After seeing the grave of Victor Frankenstein, we cut to a flashback which tells the story of Frankenstein.

Victor Frankenstein needs fresh body parts for his experiments, so he enlists the help of an unscrupulous gravedigger, who at first is only seen in shadow.  He talks about how he sells stolen jewelry off the corpses, as well as bodies for experiments.  He steps out of the shadows to reveal a hunched back, and introduces himself as Igor.  (This helps to combine elements of both the original Universal's "Frankenstein" and "Son of Frankenstein.")

After the Monster escapes, we get the blind man scene from "Bride of Frankenstein," followed by his encounter with Dr. Septimus Pretorius, who convinces Victor to build a Bride for the Monster.  Pretorius demonstrates that he can create a cloned brain, but needs fresh body parts.  (Do not include the scene of the miniature people in jars, because that's just weird.)  Unbeknownst to Victor, Pretorius and Igor are murdering women to get these parts.  Soon after, the angry villagers attack the castle and lynch Igor, causing his neck to break.  The Monster, after being rejected by the Bride, realizes that Pretorius is evil and must die.  He destroys the entire castle.  Victor is cornered by a villager, but rescued by Igor, who survived his hanging albeit with an injured neck.  (This ties into both Igor as a person with a neck injury from a hanging in "Son of Frankenstein" and Igor as the retconned version of Fritz, the hunchback from the original "Frankenstein.")

At some point, the Monster is threated with "a nice good fire," to which the Monster responds, "Fire no good!  Fire bad!"  (This is a combination of the real quote "fire no good" from "Bride of Frankenstein" with the often misquoted line of "fire bad.")

Footprints reveal that the Monster has survived and is headed north.  Victor follows.  Later, when they meet in the Arctic, Victor is dying.  He finally gives the Monster his name:  Adam Frankenstein.  (This connects both to the theme of the Monster being called an "Adam" in the book, as well as the common mistake of the Monster being called "Frankenstein.")

Cut back to Walton's ship, as the frozen body of Adam is discovered.  Elsa, for the first time, removes her cold weather hood and visor to reveal that she is actually the Bride.  (This is a misdirect, seeming to reference the character of Elsa from "Ghost of Frankenstein," but also a nod to "Bride of Frankenstein" by having the Bride having the same face as the narrator.)  Elsa attaches a car battery to Adam's neck bolts, causing his eyes to open.  Cut to black and roll credits, possibly set to "Frankenstein" by Edgar Winter.

2:  "Dracula" - Basically, the story of Bram Stoker's Dracula, but with a few additional details:  Renfield is a central figure in Dracula's plans, as in the 1931 version, but it is clarified that Renfield is helping Dracula by getting himself admitted to the sanitarium which is on the same property as Mina's home, placing him in a position to "invite" Dracula onto the property.  The sanitarium is called "The Caligari Institute," (a subtle nod to "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari").  One of the doctors who examines Renfield is introduced as Dr. Jekyll (his name is at first mispronounced, and he offers correction, referencing the fact that later Jekyll & Hyde films pronounced the name differently than in the original), who is fascinated by Renfield's apparently becoming more insane at night and more stable during the day.  Jekyll draws blood for his own research.  (This sets up a later Jekyll & Hyde story, but is also a reference to "House of Dracula," in which a Jekyll/Hyde-type character is affected by a small amount of vampire blood.)  Dracula first introduces himself to Dr. Seward, Mina and Lucy at a performance of Swan Lake (referencing the fact that music from Swan Lake was used as Dracula's theme in the early sound movies).  Quincy Morris plays a major role in hunting down Dracula, and uses a bowie knife that has been blessed by a priest and marked with sacred symbols (thus, resolving the problem of how Dracula, in the original novel, managed to be killed by a bowie knife).  In a flashback scene, we see that Dracula was the same person as Vlad the Impaler, but was raised from the dead and turned into the first vampire by Lilith.  Finally, we get some foreshadowing that Dracula has been preparing for some unspecified coming apocalyptic event, which would require him to have mastery over all forms of the undead.  Our only clue is a stolen Egyptian talisman that leads Professor Van Helsing to believe that the next clue is in Egypt (and setting up for "The Mummy").

3: "The Mummy" - Van Helsing travels to Egypt to find more information on Dracula's plan (stepping into the Dr. Muller role, thereby combining two similar characters both played by Edward Van Sloan).  The story more or less plays out identical to the 1932 version of "The Mummy," but with the addition that Imhotep resurrects his former servant, Kharis, to capture Helen Grosvenor, the reincarnation of Ankhesanamun (similar to Kharis's role in "The Mummy's Hand" and its sequels, and basically replacing the character of The Nubian).  Imhotep is defeated when Helen uses the talisman brought by Van Helsing to disintegrate Imhotep to dust, after having recovered her past life memories.  Kharis is apparently deactivated, but intact, and is later seen being shipped off to an Egyptian antiquities exhibit in America.  Unlike the original, however, Helen retains her past life memories, adopting a dual identity as both herself an Ankhesanamun with knowledge of Egyptian magic.  (The character of David, Helen's love interest, is superfluous to the story, and left out.)

4: "The Vampires" - A combination of "Dracula's Daughter" and "Son of Dracula."  Focus on Alucard's and Marya's different points of view, that Marya wishes to find a way to become fully human, while Alucard is content to remain a vampire, but avoid harming humans.  The main villain is Katherine Caldwell, who plots to seduce Alucard into turning her into a vampire, then betray and kill Alucard, living forever on the Caldwell estate.  An additional antagonist is Sandor, Marya's familiar who suspects that Marya's quest to become human will lead to her breaking her promise to turn him into a vampire.

Alucard's look should be reminiscent of the version from "Castlevania."

Marya's blood is analyzed by a chemist, Jack Griffin (replacing Dr. Garth), who attempts to understand how and why it doesn't seem to be visible in mirrors, remarking that it must have some unknown light refracting properties (implying that this is exactly what he is looking for in later becoming the Invisible Man).

Janet Blake (because Garth is absent) is more of a romantic paring with Marya.  In a dramatic scene, Janet asks Marya to turn her into a vampire, shifting the focus from Marya's search for a cure to her self-acceptance and romance with Janet.  Her transformation (set to "Total Eclipse of the Heart") is juxtaposed against Katherine's predatory and selfish reasons for wanting to be a vampire.

At some point, Marya reviews aliases she has used in the past, including Mavis, Lilly and Laura (referencing other version of Dracula's daughter from "Hotel Transylvania," "The Munsters," and "Monster High," respectively).

Maybe some reference to "London After Midnight?"

5: "The Invisible Man" - Definitely play up Griffin's role as a force of chaotic evil, possibly even anarchist.  Include the smoke effects from "The Invisible Man Returns."  As with the original, Griffin is killed, but his invisibility formula is passed to Geoffrey Radcliff, but unlike the original, Geoffrey is not cured of his invisibility, allowing future movies to feature Radcliffe as the recurring Invisible Man.

6: "The Wolfman" - More or less the same movie as the original, but with a greater focus on the full moon, and his ability to regenerate injuries which are not caused by silver.

(Maleva basically fulfills a similar role to Agent Coulson in "The Avengers," being the linking thread connecting the various characters together, which is appropriate, as she was the one who originally introduced two monsters together in "Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.")

7: "The Monster Mash" - Open with a crowd in a Vaudeville theater watching Abbott & Costello performing their famous Baseball routine (an obvious reference to the fact that Abbott & Costello appeared in several monster and other Universal movies). 

Gustav Neiman (from "House of Frankenstein") is the main villain.  The monsters who team up against him include Lawrence (Wolfman), Alucard, Adam and Elsa (Frankenstein's Monster and Bride), Radcliffe (Invisible Man), and Kharis (Mummy).  (This is based on Gustav Neiman being the main antagonist in the first movie to feature Dracula, Wolfman and Frankenstein's Monster, but also fulfilling the original plan of including The Mummy.)

(The reason for using Alucard instead of Dracula, is so that Alucard can form a more positive relationship with the other monsters, while saving Dracula to return later as the main villain.)

At first, Adam is in a weakened state and having difficulty seeing (a reference to the monster being blinded in "Ghost of Frankenstein"), but is restored to full power after drawing energy from power lines.  (Possibly include a joke about the song "Puttin' on the Ritz," a reference to "Young Frankenstein.")

8: "Jekyll & Hyde" - Use the correct pronunciation.  Like the movies, show how Jekyll is losing control of Hyde.  Hyde should be a combination of a bully, a psychopath, a toxic male, and an internet troll (but in real life).  Make him misogynistic, racist, abusive to animals and children, etc., but not out of good faith, but rather out of a deliberate desire to harm and offend in every way possible.

When a maid is seen cleaning up, Poole refers to her as Miss Riley (a subtle reference to "Mary Riley").

Later, when Utterson and the police have Hyde cornered, he taunts them by stating that if he is arrested, he will eventually escape and hurt more people, and that the only way to prevent this is for Utterson to kill his friend Jekyll in cold blood, thus illustrating the point that being a psychopath is beneficial.  It's left ambiguous what Utterson does next, at least, until the sequel.

In a final scene, one of Hyde's victims, a handsome young man (later revealed to be Dorian Gray), gets back up, his seemingly fatal injuries quickly healing, and walks away as if nothing had happened.

9. "Dorian Gray" - (Technically, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is not associated with Universal Pictures, but like Dr. Jekyll, he is part of the pantheon of Victorian gothic literature, and has made frequent crossover appearances with the other monsters, including "Penny Dreadful" and "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.")

One point of difficulty in the adaptation is that modern audiences may find it difficult to relate to a character who's pansexual libertine lifestyle is perceived as a point of shame.  So to add contrast, Dorian should eventually be pitted against Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett (two purely evil characters, also associated with Victorian-era penny dreadful stories).

An aging supermodel, Janice Starlin, remarks that Dorian never seems to age, and wishes she could say the same for herself.  She starts to tell that she has a scientist friend who is doing some new anti-aging research involving wasps, but she is interrupted.  (This is a reference to "The Wasp Woman.")

Unlike in the book, Dorian does not destroy the painting in the end, allowing him to return in later chapters.

Somehow, this connects back to Dr. Jekyll, who is shown in prison.  Knowing that Jekyll had once analyzed the blood of Renfield, Alucard, Lawrence and Adam arrive to question him.  Lawrence senses that Jekyll has a similar problem to his own, and wonders if they can learn to help each other.  (This is a reimagining of "House of Dracula," in which the main three monsters encounter Dr. Edelmann, who is an obvious pastiche of Dr. Jekyll.)  They also state that Elsa has been searching for Dr. Pretorius's and Dr. Frankenstein's notebooks, which were stolen years ago.  A clue leads them to Dr. Sigmund Walters in New York.  As they board the boat, Maleva reveals that she is helping "an old friend" escape from Paris, who is now hiding on the same boat.  Cut to a shadowy figure listening to the monkey music box from "Phantom of the Opera."

10: "The Phantom of the Opera" - The story more or less follows the original story, including the Persian, the scorpion/grasshopper switches, and other story elements often left out of movie and play versions.  We also get a performance of a scene from Faust.  A few specific changes are made, though, such as the inclusion of the half-face mask (mostly associated with the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical).  Play up the theme of Christine being entranced by her "angel of music," almost as if possessed by a spirit, even to the point of her seemingly controlled by the Phantom at a distance.  In one scene, several stage hands are sharing rumors they've heard about who the Phantom is:  one that he traded his soul and part of his face for musical talent, one that he had acid thrown in his face during a fight with the owners, one that he was burned in a fire caused by someone stealing his music, and one that he was an escaped circus freak.  (All of these are references to the various origin stories for the Phantom given in various other movies.)  Christine has had a long-standing relationship with Raul.  She tells the Phantom the story of how they first met when they were children, and he jumped into the sea to retrieve her lost scarf.  Some easter eggs are included among the various stage props, including three skulls and a pistol, a monkey music box, and previous versions of the Phantom's mask

At some point, after Christine has realized that the Phantom is no angel, he encourages her to write a song.  Later, when Christine has a big performance that could make her entire career, she chooses the song that she wrote.  The Phantom comments that it resembles a rock-synth fusion with a simple-but-catchy melody and a Pink Floyd-inspired leitmotif, and suggests that some heavy metal elements would give it extra power.  (Clever viewers will see where this is going.)  He does not attempt to improve upon the lyrics, because he says they are "from her heart and therefore perfect."  When it comes time for her performance, the song is revealed to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera" in the style of Nightwish.  (This is the only inclusion of music from the Webber play, thus making it more of a surprise reveal for the audience.)  Before the performance, the Phantom knows that he is walking into a trap, but goes willingly because "the show must go on."  Raul, although plotting to capture the Phantom, allows the performance to go on out of respect for Christine.

Later, sometime after his escape, someone suggests that the Phantom start a carnival in New York and call it "Phantasmagora," but the Phantom dismisses this as a really stupid idea.  (This is a joke at the expense of "Love Never Dies.")

Include some reference to "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."  (Also a French classic adapted by Universal Pictures.)

Possible inclusion of or reference to Sherlock Holmes.  (Holmes is also part of 19th-Century English Literature, and famously associated with Universal Pictures, and also has had multiple crossovers with the Phantom in later fanfic novels.)

11: "Jungle Woman" - Combining elements of both "Captive Wild Woman" and "Jungle Woman."

Note that when Paula first takes on human form, her appearance should be realistic.  (No makeup, no shaved legs, no perfectly styled hair, etc.)  Instead of standing silently, as in the original, Paula's movements should be more animalistic, including grunting, chest-beating and arm-flailing.

Definitely play up Paula's ability to control and/or communicate with animals, as well as her superhuman strength and agility.  (Instead of a brain transplant, Walters should use a brain-development formula adapted from Pretorius's notes.)

Her costume should at first be like the circus cape seen in "Captive Wild Woman," but later switch to a leopard skin (giving her a more jungle-themed look, while also calling back to Aquanetta's role in "Tarzan and the Leopard Woman.")

Instead of Beth simply opening the cage in Walters's laboratory, Beth releases Paula/Cheela from her cage in the zoo, and talks her into returning to human form to help her rescue her sister Dorothy.  Paula, in a dramatic scene set to the song "Welcome to the Jungle," summons the rest of the animals in the zoo to assist her and Beth.  (Leave out the part about Paula being jealous of Beth.)

As before, Walters kills Nurse Strand, before himself being killed by Paula, but just before dying Nurse Strand reveals that Pretorius's books are in the possession of Dr. Moreau on the Island of Lost Souls.

At some point, the Frankensteins use their electrical equipment to reactivate a recently-killed Paula.  (This is a callback to "The Jungle Captive," in which Paula is revived with Frankenstein-like electrical equipment.)

Whipple's Carnival also features Dynamo Dan (from "Man-Made Monster") as a performer, a display of the Golem of Prague, and Alraune ten Brinken as a jester-type clown performing under the name of "Mandrake."  They are only minor characters, but they will return for the finale.  ("Alraune" and "The Golem" are not Universal films, but they are part of classic/gothic lore.  While "Man-Made Monster" is a Universal film, it is more of a minor standalone film that was never intended to be part of a greater universe, and so it wouldn't be necessary to do a whole story.)  Dan's "attack" involves shooting bolts of lightning (rather than electrocution by direct contact), and Alraune is revealed to be a genetically-modified clone (rather than a reverse eugenics invitro-fertilization experiment).

12. "The Creature From the Black Lagoon" - Combine the stories of the original "Creature From the Black Lagoon" and "Revenge of the Creature," by having the first half of the movie be set in the jungle and the second half set in Miami, with the Gill-Man brought in as an exhibit (similar to "King Kong").  This will more quickly allow the Gill-Man to be closer to the rest of the action for later crossovers.

13. "Death Takes a Holiday" - Combine elements from "Death Takes a Holiday" and "The Seventh Seal."  (Another story not classically associated with Universal Pictures, at least until the remake "Meet Joe Black," but the gothic aspect of the Grim Reaper makes his story worth including.)  Duke Lambert agrees to play a game of chess with the Reaper, the terms being that if Lambert wins, he gains extra time, if the Reaper wins, Lambert dies, albeit delayed for the duration of the game, and the Reaper gets to take breaks and experience life as Prince Sirki.

From the Grim Reaper, we get an additional clue that more undead creatures are coming, and that Dracula's mastery of the undead is being threatened, which is why Dracula has been attempting to use Imhotep's magic.

14. "The Spider Woman" - Zenobia Dollard follows basically the same story as with "The Spider Woman Strikes Back," but her character is more of a complex strategist, in line with that of "Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman."  Give her a more ambitious and devious plan than poisoning cattle, but keep the primary motivation of her being bitter about the loss of her family lands.  Find a more plausible excuse for her to pretend to be blind.  Definitely include more spiders.

Combine several of Rondo Hatton's characters together, primarily as the Creeper (from "The Brute Man") but at some point, being sympathetic toward Paula, who has been taken prisoner (in a reference to "The Jungle Captive")

Possibly connect to Sherlock Holmes, thus combining elements of both "Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman" and "The Pearl of Death."

At some point, mention that the poison plants feed only on human blood, and that it is one of the only ones in existence.  They are safe to use, so long as the pods are not allowed to mature.  At the end, a Chinese man finds a piece of the plant with a pod starting to grow.  He mentions that he has a friend, Seymore, who works in a flower shop, and might be interested in buying the plant pod.  (This is a reference to "The Little Shop of Horrors.")

15. "The Island of Dr. Moreau" - (Although not technically a story associated with Universal Pictures, it does come out of the same genre of Victorian Gothic literature as the other classic horror stories, and it fits in neatly with the Jungle Woman storyline.)

Reveal that Dr. Moreau is the direct descendant of Dr. Pretorius.

Somehow, Dr. Frankenstein and Igor return, setting up the finale.

16. "The Phantom Creeps" - Should be more of an action movie (keeping in the style of the original), but keep the robot around for future movies.  Also, a more condensed story.

Zorka's body double to fake his own death should be prepared in advance (not a lucky coincidence as in the original).  The Z-Ray is a simple ray gun (not requiring gas to be released first).  The robotic spiders operate independently with stunning venom (not requiring a disc to be planted on the victim).  The robot is controlled by a VR headset and gloves (as opposed to having to watch through a peephole).

A submarine fight scene is included (as was foreshadowed in the original, but never realized).

17. "Man-Made Monsters" - An original story, but the title is a direct reference to "Man-Made Monster," and combining several of the "technological" monsters, and loosely based on Universal's unrealized intention of create a cinematic universe out of the later Universal-original monsters of the 1940s/50s.

A team-up of Zenobia and Dr. Zorka as the main antagonists, with the heroes being a team-up of Paula, Dynamo Dan (whose electrical powers have increased through experimentation), Creeper (after changing sides out of sympathy for Paula), and Gill-Man.  Include Alraune in a minor role, exploring her clone heritage (minor, because she is technically not Universal), and unusual luck abilities.

At some point, refer to Andre DeLambre's teleportation experiments, and the unfortunate results.  (This is an obvious reference to "The Fly."  While the Fly is typically associated with the mid-20th-century sci-fi-horror genre, a full-on "Fly" adaptation would not fit the overall theme, as it is neither classic gothic horror, nor a Universal property.)

Zorka is ultimately killed, but his robot survives to return for the finale.  Zenobia is defeated, but will return.

Somehow, in the end, the Gill-Man teams up with the other "classic" Universal monsters, Alucard, Lawrence, Adam, Elsa, Radcliffe, Kharis and Erik (the ones usually pictured on posters and merch together), as they learn of the returning of Dracula.

18."Halloween" - An original story taking place on Halloween night, and set partially in Salem, Massachusetts, and partially in Sleepy Hollow, New York.  This is to include traditional Halloween monsters not previously included or specifically associated with Universal, but ties in thematically with the connection between Halloween and Universal Monsters.  Include witches, ghosts, skeletons, the Headless Horseman, and Stingy Jack (who according to folklore, was the original "Jack" of the Jack-O-Lantern), but has now taken the form of a scarecrow with a Jack-O-Lantern head.

Include Irena Dumbrova, the were-panther.  (Based on "Cat People" and "Curse of the Cat People," in which Irena believes herself to be a were-panther, and its sequel, which is set in Sleepy Hollow and references the Headless Horseman, but also including elements of the remake version of "Cat People," in which Irena's transformation is real, not a delusion.)  This ties into the popularity of a cat-woman as a Halloween costume.  Possibly she also makes a reference to King Kong (referencing the fact that both "Cat People" and "King Kong" were produced by RKO Pictures).

The witches should be some combination of Wyrd Sisters from MacBeth, Wicked Witch of the West, Baba Yaga, the Gingerbread Witch from Hansel and Gretel, Salem witch lore, and the Evil Queen from Snow White?  Definitely include the flying broom, pointed hat, black cat, cauldron, eye of newt, cackle, and silhouette against a full moon.  Also, for the sake of cultural updating, include references and elements of Wicca and other modern forms of witchcraft.  Maybe include a nose-twitch in reference to Bewitched.  (Although there is no official Universal Monster witch, the Halloween-themes of most monster movies makes a traditional witch character seem conspicuously absent.  Witches have been either shown or eluded to in "Sleepy Hollow," and other magic-users are a part of "The Golem," "The Wolfman" and " White Zombie.")

Include a variety of ghosts, including some white teardrop-shaped ghosts as often seen in cartoons and decorations.  (Ghosts are often referred to in titles such as "Ghost of Frankenstein" and "The Mummy's Ghost," and are thematically associated with "The Phantom of the Opera," but literal ghosts tend to be absent from most Universal classic movies.)

Include an army of skeletons (in the style of "Jason and the Argonauts" or "Army of Darkness"), but also depict the skeletons as silly, cracking puns, and performing a song and dance number (drawing from Medieval artworks depicting happy dancing skeletons, as well as animations such as "The Skeleton Dance").

Include much of the history of Hallowe'en/Samhain, and particularly its Celtic roots and the colonial-era American origins of pumpkin-carving, apple bobbing, trick-or-treating, etc.

The Grim Reaper also makes an appearance giving vital information about the prophesized rising of the dead.

19. "The Boogeyman" - Some event causes the main cast of monsters to go up against the Boogeyman.

The Boogeyman's lair combines several disparate elements of boogeyman folklore.  The environment is confusing, with multiple stairways and doors against black backgrounds, and defying Euclidian geometry like an M.C. Escher painting.  Some of the doors are portals leading to children's beds and closets.  Other doors conceal rooms containing each person's worst fear (similar to the themes in "1984").  This is discovered when Frankenstein's Monster enters one of the rooms and suddenly finds himself trapped in a fire.

Maleva (speaking to Lawrence, Adam, Elsa, Kharis, Alucard, Marya, Radcliffe, Paula, Erik, Dan, Gill-Man, and the Creeper, with Zorka's Robot present) explains that the types of monsters that they are are born out of universal fears, making them "universal" monsters.  (This title/name drop is accompanied by the Universal logo theme music for dramatic effect.)  Later, when Lawrence goes to the prison to enlist the help of Mr. Hyde, Hyde dismissively remarks that he was "somewhere else" while Lawrence was putting together his little "Universal monster team."  (This is a subtle joke on the fact that the story of Jekyll & Hyde, while appearing in a Universal film during the silent era, was taken up by Paramount and MGM during the early sound era, and did not return to Universal until much later.)  Alraune, Dorian, the Witch and the Horseman join the group later on (again, playing on the fact that they are not, technically, Universal monsters).

The monsters realize that although they still don't know what exactly is going to happen, the prophesized event that will lead to a battle for undead supremacy is imminent.  Cut to a cemetery outside Pittsburgh, where part of a conversation is overheard:  "They're coming to get you, Barbara."  (This is, of course, a famous quote from "Night of the Living Dead," implying that the anticipated event is a zombie apocalypse.)

20. "Night of the Living Dead" - (Another movie not strictly associated with Universal, but included because zombies/ghouls are so often associated with other classic monsters.)

Dracula returns and wants to have dominion over the undead, seeing the ghouls as a threat to his human food source.  He uses the voodoo spells acquired from Murder Legendre to take control of the already soulless living dead, making them less like "Night of the Living Dead" and more like "Return of the Living Dead."  Alucard remarks that Dracula has caused a blurring of the distinction between ghouls and zombies.  (This is a joke on the fact that many people tend to get these two concepts mixed up and use the words interchangeably.)

Dr. Frankenstein, Igor, Imhotep and Zenobia all side with Dracula for various reasons.

Van Helsing leads a team of monsters to Dracula's Castle to defeat Dracula and his associates.  The team consists of Adam (Frankenstein's Monster), Elsa (Bride), Lawrence (Wolfman), Maleva, Kharis (Mummy), Aksanamun, Gill-Man (Creature), Radcliffe (Invisible), Alucard, Marya, Paula (Ape Woman), and Erik (Phantom), with some additional help from Dr. Zorka's Robot and Dynamo Dan.  (This puts all the Universal Monsters on the same team.)  Meanwhile, the zombies/ghouls are fought off by the Witch, the Headless Horseman, Dorian Gray, Dr. Jekyll, Mandrake, the Boogieman, and some of Dr. Moreau's creatures (all the monsters either not part of or only partially part of the Universal pantheon), and may feature some additional monsters only briefly seen or referred to, such as The Fly, The Golem, The Wasp Woman, The Fifty-Foot Woman, etc.

After defeating Dracula's team, the zombie apocalypse is thwarted by altering Dracula's voodoo curse in such a way that the Grim Reaper is empowered/authorized to put a stop to it, instantly killing all of the low-powered ghouls, and freeing the more advance ghouls (serving Dracula directly) from his influence.

This resolves the main conflict, but the newly expanded monster universe will carry on.

More Easter eggs:  Hill House ("The Haunting"), Bates Motel ("Psycho"), Ivan Igor's Wax Museum ("Mystery of the Wax Museum")

Possible references to:  Cthulhu, Godzilla, Gamera, Nancy Archer (The Fifty-Foot Woman), The Thing From Another World, Body-Snatchers, The Blob, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, War of the Worlds Martians, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Dr. Cyclops, Murder Legendere (White Zombie)

Some other things to include:  Some elements of Edgar Allen Poe?  Something involving Greek mythology, including the Cyclops, the Minotaur, the Sphynx, and finally, Medusa?  

Possibly references to the Son or Daughter of Jekyll/Hyde?  Does the Devil make an appearance, maybe making a Faustian deal?  Maybe include demons from folklore?  Something with living gargoyles?  Although I'd rather avoid including kaiju (as they tend to completely take over a story), there may be some subtle reference to "Frankenstein vs Godzilla."

If They Ever Make a Female James Bond

 If they ever make a female James Bond (which, if you're reading this in the future, maybe they have already, but never mind that), I have a few stipulations.  If you're a filmmaker, please consider!

1. Her name is Bond.  James Bond.  Don't try to "update" her by calling her Jamie or Jasmine or Jemimah or some shit.  Using "James" as a woman's name won't cause the end of civilization.

2. Don't try to "humanize" her.  James Bond is a super-cool, unflappable, invincible Mary Sue, and we like him/her that way!

3. Don't be afraid to use over-the-top villains, elaborate death traps, and crazy Q gadgets.  Remember, the Austin Powers movies were LOVINGLY making fun of the Bond cliches, not condemning them.  Bond movie tropes are silly, but we love them anyway.

4. This might seem obvious, but just in case you were considering otherwise, don't forget that James Bond is British!  (For the actor portraying Bond, I will accept Irish or Scottish, but the character is clearly English.)

5. Don't make her blonde!  Bond should be a brunette!

6. Don't forget the Walther PPK!

7. Don't forget the Aston Martin!

8. Don't forget the Rolex!

9. Don't forget the vodka martinis, shaken, not stirred!  (Or alternatively, bourbon.)

10. Don't forget the puns!  This means both sexual innuendos and witty one-liners after killing enemies.

11. Give Bond a nice plate of scrambled eggs.  We all know Bond loves some scrambled eggs!

12. Don't forget the Bond girls!  They're horny and they have silly names!  (But also, don't make a big thing out of the fact that this now technically makes her gay.  Bond's success with the ladies is a defining trait, and the same-sex-ness is only incidental.)

13. Don't do any of that press bullshit where you pat yourself on the back for how progressive you are for finally having a female James Bond.  And don't load the movie with a bunch of preachy bullshit about how woman are just as capable as men, that would have seemed revolutionary fifty years ago.  Just make the damn movie!

14. Don't forget to make the movie GOOD!  Don't make the movie suck!

15. Don't make it a reboot or offer any in-universe explanation as to why Bond is a different actor.  Just jump right into the action as if this has always been the same character.  In fact, I've got an idea for how the introductory scene should play out:

    Bond enters M's office and tosses her hat onto a hat rack.  Miss Moneypenny says, "James, there's something different about you."  (Pause for a beat.)  "Oh, I know," she says, "You went back to your original hair color."  Bond replies, "Yes, I felt that going blonde was too much of a departure from what I'd gotten used to.  Now I feel like my old self again."  This little joke is the one and ONLY acknowledgement of the fact that Bond is different in any way.

Weird things from the Eighties and Nineties that nobody talks about...

THINGS FROM THE 1980'S THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT:

Saxophones.  They were everywhere.  Rock bands had saxophone players.

Frusen Gladje.  That German ice cream in the impossible-to-open plastic space capsule.

Leftover 70s stuff.  All the brown, yellow and orange furniture and dinner sets that not everyone got rid of.

Obsession with computer chips.  They were like some kind of magic things that could apparently do anything.

Kids watching slasher movies.  In those days, "Rated-R" just meant "This is going to be some cool shit."  Seriously, they marketed Robocop and Rambo toys through Saturday morning cartoons.

Yuppies.  Those rich assholes who for some reason, we all loved to hate.  I mean, yes, we still do, but then, even more so.

1950s car nostalgia.  Maybe it was because so many people were driving tiny, cheap, fuel-efficient Japanese cars, that people were looking back so much at the "good old days" when cars had style.

Black and white checker and stripe patterns.  Put that shit next to some abstract sculptures, and people will know you're "classy."

Neon lights.  Neon lights had been around for a long time in bars and casinos, but for some reason, people suddenly noticed how cool they also looked in malls and homes.

High heels as a symbol of empowerment.  They make you look taller, and force you to walk loudly and with purpose.  Throw in a tight-skirted suit and some shoulder pads, and you're ready to take over a corporation.

Skinny ties with dark-colored shirts.  A drastic departure from the wide ties and light-colored shirts of the 70s.  People tend to forget that formalwear fashion changes just as often as casualwear.

People who can't figure out a Rubik's cube.  Movies and sit-coms made this out to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, even though it came with a solution booklet.

Nerds.  Sure, we talk about "geek" culture being everywhere these days, but back in the day, nerds were almost like a racial minority that Hollywood loved to show that they were cool with.  In fact, movie and television writers were so pro-nerd, that nerds could get away with being rude, pervy, socially-ambitious, harassing, misogynistic, petty, vindictive, arrogant, violent, sexually-predatory, and just all around toxic, but as long as they're wearing glasses and a pocket protector, it becomes "funny."

Disco hatred.  I can't think of any other genre of music that went so suddenly from being everywhere to being despised by everyone so quickly.  No one knows why.

Alternative and country hits.  You wouldn't think emos and cowboys would catch on with the mainstream, but quite a few of them managed to break through.

TV schedules.  From the 1950s to the 1990s, before streaming video, before TiVo, before most people owned VCRs with timers on them, it was actually considered "normal" to plan your entire week around what programs were airing at what times.  People's schedules were so strict, they treated watching "their shows" almost like a job.

Star Wars knockoffs.  Star Wars was a commercial success, so every hack movie writer said, "hey, I could probably do that!"

THINGS FROM THE 1990S THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT:

Rockabilly and swing revival.  There was a wave of old music styles trying to make a comeback, but these two kind of sort of gained traction for a while.  There were even several attempts to bring disco back.

Adult contemporary stations.  It used to be the "rule" that young people listened to new music, and old people listened to old music, but suddenly, there was a whole genre of new music targeted to older people.  Basically, take all the hallmarks of pop music and make it less poppy.

Macarena.  Interestingly, the dance that everyone know was similar to the dance from the music video, but not exactly the same.  Strangely, most of the "love" for this dance seemed to be sort of half-ironic.

Goth chicks.  Every show and movie had to have a goth chick.  They even tried to turn Rogue from X-Men into a goth chick.

Gender-neutral language.  Forget about asking people for their preferred pronouns.  The politically correct thing to do was to assume everyone was non-binary.

Political Correctness backlash.  One of the biggest stars in the country was Andrew Dice Clay, and his only schtick was the fact that he was (both in character and in real life) an asshole.

High heels as a symbol of oppression.  High heels, originally used by cavalry soldiers, became suddenly popular in the 80s as a sign of female empowerment, and then almost overnight, became despised as a foot-torture device that was probably invented by men to make women look like sex objects.  It was a changed worldview that seemed to come out of nowhere, but may be related to aerobics guys in the 80s wearing pink outfits, while they're younger brothers and sisters learned to see pink as "only for girls and sissies," making the color pink in the 90s not only gay for men, but insulting to women.

White suburban guys trying to be gangsta rappers.  There was a time when a white person trying to rap was seen as a joke that was so funny that movies and television couldn't stop making fun of the idea.

Don't Worry Be Happy.  That song was everywhere.

Brady Bunch reruns.  No one knows why, but for some reason, people on television couldn't stop referencing nostalgia for the Brady Bunch.  Maybe it's similar to young people in the 2020s praising "Full House" and The "Golden Girls."

What is the deal with thongs?  Like most things that had just come out, comics had to make fun of the idea.  One particular thing that happened, though, was that women started trimming their pubic hair smaller and smaller, down to just a landing strip.  Men, of course, didn't have this issue.  A few years later, when internet porn became easily available, it became common for both men and women to be seen completely shaved.  But because of this, there was a very brief window of time where pubic grooming was something that only women did, which is my men's pubic hair trimmers have to have macho-sounding names today.

Gigantic televisions.  Not only did it seem like everyone was getting a "big screen," but everyone on television couldn't stop talking about the awesomeness of the big screen, and more specifically, a "typical" guy thing.  They took up way too much room and had shitty picture quality.  You had to be sitting directly in front of them or else the image would look dark and faded.  And they often came with "surround sound," requiring large speakers to be placed around the room.  They went in a very short amount of time from a symbol of wealth and luxury to a must-have for every living room, and then almost overnight, became passe.

The letter X.  The term "Generation X" had been established since the 70s, but it wasn't really used by the mainstream until the 90s, when advertisers suddenly decided that it stood for "extreme," and started slapping it on everything.  Gen-Xers were suddenly being told what they were, which was apparently, a bunch of adrenaline junkies, and not at all a bunch disaffected of couch potatoes.  This marketing gimmick was probably thought up by the same people who invented sitting on chairs backwards.