Christmas Poem

A CHRISTMAS POEM

By Shawn Ravenfire

 

Twas the week before Christmas, and within all our borders
Everyone’s house looked like an episode of hoarders.
 
Boxes upon boxes of decorations of the season,
Ugly and worn, but kept for sentimental reasons.
 
The town park is filled with lights red and green,
While Atheists bitch and moan about the nativity scene.
 
The sun shone down on the slushy gray snows,
While hipsters put up their aluminum Festivus poles.
 
People drunk at a party, where the spirit is felt,
And the office comedian hangs mistletoe from his belt.
 
Some disaffected teens avoid having fun,
And all prepare for the coming bad Boxing Day puns.
 
The Hanukkah lights are quite non-traditional,
And holiday stress is just plain unbearable.
 
The local TV station thinks they’re so cool,
Because they said Happy Kwanzaa, but forgot about Yule.
 
The Wiccans all ready to celebrate the solstice,
Can’t find a ritual, so it goes by unnoticed.
 
The cast of Fox News say Christmas is for brats,
Because Jesus is missing.  They blame Democrats.
 
“Save money,” say the experts, “the recession is growing.”
They forget that spending money is what keeps the economy going.
 
The news reports say there’s an increase in crime.
Change the channel, and watch “A Christmas Story,” for the one millionth time.
 
Everywhere, people fly home for December,
To make small talk with cousins they barely remember.
 
The family gathers around, and wonders at the mistake
It was to think anyone would like a fruitcake.
 
Opening presents is always a treat.
You’re especially thankful they kept the receipt.
 
A debate breaks out over which actor to choose
As the best ever portrayer of Ebineezer Scrooge.
 
Folks plan their New Year’s resolutions to make,
That after barely a week, they’re all sure to break.
 
But the worst tradition of all, that makes us so unhappy
Is that every radio station plays music that’s crappy.
 
Like bad twelve-days of Christmas parody songs,
Using ethnic stereotypes that are just plain wrong.
 
Children’s songs sung by adults trying to sound serious,
And Christian hymns so slow and dull, it just makes you furious.
 
Songs you think you know, but only the first verses,
Songs that are so repetitive, they make you say curses,
 
And the most depressing song that is sure to give the blues,
Is that horrible, god-awful song Christmas Shoes.
 
The Christmas season lasts longer each year without fail,
From the day after Halloween to Christmas in July sales.
 
It’s a pain in the ass, but on that special day,
Despite all its faults, we have a good time anyway.

So I say “Happy Holidays” to one and all,

And if you don’t like it, there’s always alcohol.

First World Problems

People tend to complain about a lot of things.  People will find a reason to complain about anything and everything.  Lately, however, in a sort of ultimate paradox, people are now complaining about people complaining!  I seem to be hearing a lot of people these days bitching and whining about how they don't like that other people are bitching and whining.  Sometimes, this takes a spiritual or metaphysical aspect, as in creating "negative energy" in the universe.  Other times, this takes a more practical "his attitude is bringing me down" aspect.  The most annoying variation on this, however, is this idea of "first world problems," that if you live in a first-world country, then any "problem" you have is not really a problem, and we should all just shut up about our lives.  I take issue with this.  Yes, that's right, this blog is me complaining about people complaining about people complaining.  Deal with it.  Anyway, in defense of first-world complaints, here are the reasons why this "first-world problem" concept is bullshit:

1. Not everyone who lives in a first world country is rich.  Living in the United States (which is the specific "first world" country that we were all thinking of anyway) does not mean that your life is better than anyone else's.  It just means that you live in closer geographical proximity to people whose lives are better.  Being poor in America is no better than being poor in any other country.  It's not as if we can all live off of the money that accidentally falls out of rich people's pockets as they walk down the street.  (I compare this to the easily disprovable theory that poor white people are somehow better off than black people.)

2. People are either happy or unhappy based on a particular moment.  If I stub my toe, I react to the pain in that moment.  I don't integrate the experience into an overall analysis of the value of my life as a whole.  So if a rich person stubs his toe, he's going to be just as pissed off as a poor person who stubs his toe.  Why?  Because it hurts just the same.

3. Everyone always says "money won't buy happiness."  Is this something we say to make poor people feel better, but don't actually believe it?  I think this is a phrase we should take more seriously.  Whenever we have our health and lots of friends, but don't have any luxury, we always say that we have "the things that matter."  Well, what if you have lots of money, but don't have any of the "things that matter," such as health, friends, love, freedom, etc.?  Do we suddenly think that all THOSE things aren't important?  Or do we just assume that if you have expensive things, the free things must have already arrived?  Hardly likely, when you consider the fact that necessities generally cost more money than luxuries.  Food, shelter, medicine and transportation are WAY expensive, but companies are giving away cell phones for FREE!

4. People say, "What right do you have to complain?"  Well, we've got EVERY right to complain, according to almost every legal document written in the last 200+ years.  Even if, theoretically, we weren't allowed to be unhappy because there were people poorer than ourselves, would this logic work in reverse?  Do I have a right to be happy, even though there are people richer than I am?

5. The quest in life should be for perfection.  This doesn't mean that we should be unhappy unless our lives are perfect.  It just means that we should be constantly trying to improve our lives and the lives of the people around us.  We didn't get to be where we are today by settling for just "good enough."  We strived for better, and in order to strive for better, we have to acknowledge where our lives have room for improvement.

6. Actual poor people don't give a shit.  If some child of wealthy parents isn't happy with his new iPad, do you really think that the starving children of Africa are being upset by this?  I think they'd rather have food than have the knowledge that some kid they've never met thousands of miles away is "being appreciative" of how privileged he is.  Besides, what's the alternative?  Should the rich white kid give up everything, go out and live on the streets, and start physically torturing himself to "even things out?"  Of course not, because the starving children would still be starving, and wouldn't feel half an ounce better about the situation.  Resenting rich people is not what poor people do.  Resenting rich people is what upper-middle-class people do to make themselves feel more worldly and morally-superior without actually having to do anything productive.

7. This problem comes with an expiration date.  Those starving countries are getting better all the time.  World hunger and poverty is lower than it has ever been in human history.  More countries have more freedoms than ever in history.  It's just going to keep getting better an better.  What's the future going to be like?  Are we going to be guilt-tripping people in first-world countries who aren't happy with their teleporters because 1% of the people in third-world countries have the hardship of not getting very good cell phone reception?  Imagine a future in which EVERYONE has not only the basic necessities of life, the freedom of self-determination, AND approximately the same amount of luxury.  What then?  Will it be horrible, because we'll have no one left to point at and say, "at least we don't have it as bad as those people?"

Okay, that's my little rant.  Now all the people who disagree, go ahead and complain about my complaining about people complaining about people complaining.

Worst TV and Movie Character Cliches

Top Twenty Worst Character Cliches:

I really don't mind most movie cliches.  I love a good car chase that completely defies all the laws of physics.  Movies would be boring as hell if they were realistic.  What I do mind, however, is when the characters act in a completely unnatural manner, doing inexplicable things without even a hint of a motive other than "that's what people do in a movie."  So here are my top twenty most irritating movie-and-television cliches to do with character development.

#20 - EXPLORE THE NEW HOUSE - Whenever a person or family moves into a new house, the first thing they do is go around and check out all the rooms, figuring out what rooms are going to be used for what purposes, and trying to figure out why there's a mysterious monster living in the basement.  I really don't know anyone who doesn't do this BEFORE they buy the house.  Did they just sign the lease without seeing it first?  Who does that?

#19 - NO ONE IS ANNOYED BY THE ZANY GUY - You see this in teen comedies, commercials for shampoo, and especially animated Disney movies.  There's one character whose idea of being funny is bouncing around and spurting out nonsequiter catch-phrases.  Okay, we've seen people like this in real life.  What makes these movies unrealistic is that no one punches this guy in the face, or even gives him so much as a puzzled look.  They all just act as if he's acting normally.  He's not normal.  He's an ass.

#18 - BURY THE TREASURE AND HIDE THE MAP - Any time there's a pirate treasure or some ancient mystical artifact, there's always a map showing its location, written in some cryptic way with challenges and riddles.  I always have to wonder about the people who hid the treasure and made the map.  Why did they bury the treasure instead of just keeping it or spending it?  Why did they make the traps so elaborate?  And why the fuck did they explain where to find it in the form of riddles?  If they wanted you to find it, they'd have told you outright, and if they didn't want you to find it, they wouldn't give you a clue.

#17 - NERDS AND FOREIGNERS TALK IN OPPOSITES - "Hey, chill in!"  "You mean chill out?"  Seriously, who are these people who *almost* know all of the cool words, but get them slightly wrong?  Most of the time, unhip people are going to get the phrases right, but screw up on the context.

#16 - SEX WITH A VIRGIN - Every time a virgin has sex for the first time, they're AMAZING in bed!  Usually we see the girl looking over at the boy after sex and saying something like "wow, that was the most incredible sex I've ever had," and actually meaning it!  How does this work exactly?  How does not having sex make you better at sex?  It makes no fucking sense (literally).

#15 - VICTIMS THINK THE KILLER IS A FRIEND PLAYING A JOKE - If I'm ever out in the woods, and I hear leaves rustling around, I'm probably going to assume it's a squirrel or something.  You know why?  Because woods are full of squirrels.  None of my friends would ever try to scare me this way, because it would suck as a joke.  In movies, however, when the killer is stalking the victim, the victim always has to give this speech:  "I know it's you playing a joke on me, so you can just come on out...  Come on, this isn't funny, and I'm not going to get scared."  Well, they're right about it not being funny, at least.

#14 - NO ONE IN THE FUTURE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRESENT - It seems that every sci-fi show set in the future does this.  (Star Trek is the reigning champion of this cliche.)  The future people encounter some strange thing from our time, such as a car, rock-and-roll or a slang word.  They are completely baffled by it at first, then either comically misinterpret its purpose, or have to refer to their computer files on ancient history.  Sometimes, they'll even throw in some disparaging comment about how primitive or idiotic this thing is.  Yet, if they encounter something from the 22nd century or the 18th century, they immediately know everything about it -- a tribute to the wonderful education system of the future.

#13 - NO ONE PROFITS FROM SUPER TECHNOLOGY - If I ever invented antigravity, invisibility, teleportation, artificial intelligence or a laser gun, I'd probably want to get a patent on this technology, start up a company, and make myself rich.  Not movie people, though.  Instead, they keep it for their own personal use, either as a superhero or a supervillain.  What kind of an idiot invents an invisibility cloak and uses it to rob banks?  The cloak is worth more than everything in the bank, and no one is going to thwart your evil plan.

#12 - BAD GUYS ARE TOO HAPPY ABOUT BEING BAD - Some nefarious villain wants to steal money or take revenge against the hero or rule the world or maybe just get away with cheating on his fiance. So does he rationalize his position or justify his actions? Does he feel guilty? Does he feel that he's entitled? Nope. He just laughs with glee about how evil he is. This is especially noticeable with hunters. Maybe I think hunting is bad, but hunters don't think hunting is bad, so why do all the hunters in movies act so evil?

#11 - LOOK OUT, IT'S A PERVERT - This was a popular plot device in the 90s, but we still occasionally see it today.  A man wants to talk to a woman about something that is actually important, but she immediately get's this look on her face that says, "Oh, not ANOTHER rapist.  Where's my mace?  This is getting so mildly annoying."  Who are these women?

#10 - RACISM IS ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY - Generally, if you're a racist, you're going to keep your opinions mostly to yourself, or at least, express them in that subtle "I don't want to sound like a racist, but..." sort of way.  In movies, however, you can be as blunt and over-the-top as you want about how much we won't tolerate their kind around here.  Instead of being met with ostracism from the community, this white-people solidaridy appears, the likes of which have not been seen in the real world since the 50s.

#9 - THE SUPERHUMAN ENCOUNTERS THE FIRST ENEMY - Any superhero, alien, werewolf, or whatever, immediately has a chance encounter with a mugger, a rapist or a gang of rednecks looking to start a fight.  This is an improbable, albeit effective way to establish the physical prowess of the main character.  What makes this completely ridiculous is the way the first criminal is treated as a minor inconvenience, maybe getting a quick punch in the nose to teach him a lesson.  Later, the hero has a battle royalle with some drug dealer or evil sorcerer.  That's fine, but whatever happened to the serial rapists?  Are their crimes so minor that we can just forget about them?  Is a drug-dealer really that much worse of a criminal?  Seriously, how can the hero waste his time with cocaine sellers when there's fucking rape gangs wandering the streets?!

#8 - I TRIED TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN - It seems that some characters in movies don't even try to get their message across.  They just mumble about some vague cryptic nonsense, leaving out all the actual important information, and somehow, it's the other person's fault for "not listening."  Sometimes, for comedic effect, a character will tell a story leaving out vital details to make it sound unrealistic, so that the person listening won't believe the story.  To me, that's just a big leap in motovation for such a small gag.

#7 - YOU'RE A GIRL?!!! - This was a running gag throughout much of the 70s, 80s and early 90s, but you still see it occasionally today.  A person is seen from the back, wearing a large hat or maybe a motorcycle helmet.  It MUST be a man, right?  Then she takes the hat off, to reveal long hair!  The man is completely shocked by this, as if he'd just seen a unicorn.  What were the odds, like 50-50 or something?  (Also, keep in mind that during this time period, most of the men had long hair anyway.)

#6 - WOMEN ARE BUZZKILLS - Women have almost always been typecast in the role of straight-man.  This is especially true in sketch comedies and sit-coms.  When it comes to TV commercials, however, women have advanced beyond simply being the foil for the man's comedy, but to actually being a total bitch with no sense of humor or fun, whose sole purpose in life is to roll their eyes at the stupidity that is men.

#5 - THIS RELATIONSHIP CAN NEVER BE - This is most noticeable in the first two acts of a romantic comedy, or in one of those sit-coms that borders on being a soap opera.  Two single and available people clearly have the hots for each other, but for some inexplicable reason, they "can't do this."  Don't you think that at some point, one of them would have asked the other one why?  Instead, they just drag out the tension to where it becomes absurd.

#4 - THE CORPORATE VILLAIN - It stands to reason that the rich powerful corporate guys are more interested in making a profit for themselves than they are in caring for their fellow man.  (Never mind that most billionaires have their own charities.)  Often, however, these movie villains seem to do evil things like creating zombie-like monsters or building doomsday weapons with no idea how exactly this is going to turn them a profit.  Very often, they'll market some deadly product which is going to kill everyone who uses it, but they try to keep the secret because it would hurt sales.  Am I supposed to believe that anyone who at some point in his life took a business course, doesn't know that making a product that ruins peoples lives will actually HURT profits?  FDA prosecution, customer refunds, class-action lawsuits, manslaughter charges, crashing stock values, loss of customer confidence, no repeat customers...  None of this has occurred to them.

#3 - CHEATING TO WIN - One of the big cliches in teen comedies is the big game between the popular bad guy and the unpopular good guy.  How do they win?  Both sides cheat.  Not only do they cheat, but they don't even hide the fact that they're cheating.  Inexplicably, the referees don't do anything but present the trophy at the end, and all these bad guys who didn't play fair this whole time, are willing to honor the terms of the pre-game wager.  This is very selective dishonesty.

#2 - THE SCHOOL BULLY - The most popular kid in school has to defend his title, and therefore has to "fix" his rival.  Is his rival the second-most popular kid?  The third?  The fourth?  No, it's the social outcast that nobody likes.  It's as if the entire pecking order was reduced to just these two people, while every other kid in the school is just there as a prop, ready to cheer on whoever is winning, without ever questioning their own role as humanoid background scenery.  This contrived rivalry between most and least popular is also present in sports movies, where the champions somehow form a vicious rivalry with the lowest underdogs, with both sides completely ignoring every other team.  Whether it's sports or popularity, it's always the asshole on top versus the nice guy on bottom, and nobody else matters.

#1 - UNNECESSARY SECRETS - Your wife is a witch, your girlfriend is a genie, your daughter is an android, your uncle is a martian, and your horse can talk. Who do you tell? Nobody, according to sit-com logic. I can understand keeping it from the general public, but why keep it from friends, family and wacky neighbors? Movies have their pointless secrets too, but in movies, it's usually the government that wants to cover everything up, regardless of whether or not it's a matter affecting national security in any way. Apparently, governments manufacture cover stories as a sort of involuntary reflex.  Another big pet peeve is when police detectives don't want the chief of police to find out that they're doing their jobs. He stumbles onto a vital piece of evidence, and then HIDES the evidence, then talks to the very same person in the crime lab who the evidence would have been sent to anyway, and asks him to, as a personal favor, examine the evidence. The lab tech has to say, "I could get in so much trouble for this." What trouble?!  Of course, the worst offenders here are the superheros. If I ever suddenly gained super powers, my first instinct would be to tell someone, post it on Twitter, or maybe go to the doctor, not start making up excuses to cover up my "terrible secret." (Later, when it's time to fight crime, they dress in a silly costume, usually based on an animal. Supposedly, this is to inspire fear, but personally, I'd probably just laugh.  To be honest, I find a suit and tie much more indimidating.)  Even when the villain finds out the hero's secret identity, he STILL doesn't want to tell his friends, family and love interest, even though they're now in mortal danger for not knowing.

Honorable Mention: PRODUCT PLACEMENT - I realize that product placement is important in helping to pay for all those cool explosions I like to see. I understand that. It just takes me out of the movie when the characters start talking about how great the product is in such an unnatural fashion. Still, this is not a result of lazy writing, just of economics, which is why it only receives an "honorable mention" as opposed to a true writing cliche.

Seven Types of Hecklers

Everyone hates hecklers... except for themselves.  There is much discussion as to how to deal with them.  As a stand-up comedian, I have noticed seven distinct types of hecklers:

1) DRUNKS - The basic drunk is by far, the most common type of heckler.  In the drunks' minds, there is no show going on.  It's just a big party, and for some reason, that guy with the microphone keeps dominating the conversation.  They don't want to hear you satirize politics or make whimsical observations about relationships.  They want you to party with them.  Their favorite joke goes something like this:  "YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!!"  The best way to deal with the drunks is to yell "yeeaahhh!" back at them just enough to placate them, and then say, "All right, that's enough, now back to my story..."

I have noticed that drunks tend to live in an alternate reality where completely different rules of social conduct apply.  Take dance clubs for example.  If you're on the dancefloor barely moving, sober people think you're very cool and in control, and drunks think you're too shy or uptight to bust loose.  On the other hand, if you throw your body around wildly, lacking any semblance of coordination or regard for others' safety, sober people think you're an asshole, but drunks think you're "the life of the party."  But I digress.

One good thing about drunk hecklers, however, is that if they completely ruin your show, you can easily beat the shit out of them afterward, because their reflexes are are so slow.

2) CHATTERS - These people are absolutely convinced that they are invisible.  They hate it when the noise of jokes and laughter interfere with their conversations with the people sitting next to them, or worse, on the cell phone.  Phrases like, "turn your phone off," "respect the other patrons," or "hey you, shut the fuck up already," are completely wasted on them, because they're sure that these requests are directed at somebody else.  If you point directly at them and call them out, they look behind themselves to see who you're talking to.  And if you are so bold as the actually get down off the stage, walk over to their table, and tap them on the shoulder, they look shocked, as if you had just stepped out of the TV screen into their living room, and then become offended as if you're making them participate in an enviroment they wanted to exist independently from.  My best recommendation for dealing with the chatters is to simply shoot them, because anything less will not be effective.

3) HELPERS - Apparently, nobody explained that stand-up comedy is not a collaboration.  These are the people who shout out their own punch lines to your jokes.  If you try to explain that you already had a punch line, they usually say something like, "Oh, I didn't know you thought of that.  I was just trying to help you out."  I wonder what sort of comics these people expect to see, who walk onto the stage, say a setup to a joke, and DON'T have a punch line in mind.  I don't claim to be the greatest comedian of all time, but seeing as how I've been working on this routine for several months, and this person only heard the setup a few seconds ago, I'd say it's a pretty fair chance that the punch line I thought of is better than the one he came up with.

Of course, there are exceptions.  I once did a joke making fun of the phrase "essential oils."  What's so essential about them?  I asked (rhetorically) what kind of oil is essential.  Some person in the back yelled "butt lube!"  I was slightly annoyed, but I had to give credit, because it was way funnier than what I was about to say, which was "motor oil."  But please, keep in mind that this was the ONE time someone shouted a punch line that was better than mine.  Every other time, the audience's contribution wasn't as good.

The best way to deal with the helpers, is to just tell them flat out that you don't need help from them.  Nine out of ten times, they'll listen.

4) TROLLS - This is what most people think of, when they hear the word "heckler."  These people don't care who is on stage or what the joke is.  They just come in with the mind set that at regular intervals, they're going to yell the most brilliantly crafted zinger ever conceived by man, which is usually something like "you suck."  You can try to insult them back, but as long as the show is about them and not you, they're winning.  The best course of action is to have a bouncer escort them out.  Don't try to outwit them.  It's like trying to play chess with a wolverine.

One thing a lot of comics say to do is to call the troll up on stage.  I think this is just plain stupid.  The theory is that a troll, when put on the spot, will suddenly become shy and self-concious, despite the fact that up until now, they've been trying to be the center of attention.  If you call a troll up on stage, they'll feel so good about themselves just for having the honor of being in a spotlight for a few moments, that they'll be talking about it for years to come.  I cannot stress this enough.  Calling them on stage to shut them up DOES NOT WORK.

5) CATCH-PHRASERS - I have tried and tried, but I just can't understand what goes on in the minds of these people.  These people usually have a favorite personal catch phrase which they think is hilarious to yell out, usually as an indication that they like something.  I have heard "oo-wee," "mucket," and most bizarre of all, "sweet berry wine," called out repeatedly throughout the course of a show.  I suppose they're expecting the same type of recognition as Arnold Schwarzenegger gets when he says "I'll be back," but it's just not the same coming from someone we've never heard of, repeatedly, without any context, and during someone else's show.

Another variation of the catch-phraser is the person who quotes related catch phrases, almost like some sort of psychotherapy word association.  The worst part is, they actually enjoy the show this way.  I once did an open mic during which I didn't even have to get through a setup.  I could say anything, regardless of whether it was a joke or not, and this one woman in the front row would enthusiastically yell out something related.  If I started a joke with "I saw a cat," she'd yell "here kitty kitty," and be perfectly happy with this as a form of live entertainment.  After this sort of thing happing several times, I started to tell a joke about McDonalds, to which she cheerfully sang "Have it your way!"  I paused, looked her square in the eyes, and said, "That's BURGER KING, you idiot!"  It shut her up... for a minute.

Honestly, I don't know what's the best way to handle these people, other than having a friend in the audience walk over and smack them.

6) TOPIC SUGGESTERS - There is a huge difference between stand-up comedy and improv theater, and these people can't seem to figure out the difference.  They apparently think that we comics walk onto stage with no plan, but have the ability to make up a complex funny routine about any subject on the spot.  I once did a routine about the Declaration of Independence.  (Admittedly, not my best routine.)  Anyway, while I was doing this set, one person in the back shouted "World of Warcraft!"  Did this person honestly think that I was going to suddenly stop doing a routine about the Declaration of Independence, and jump into an equally funny, if not better routine about World of Warcraft?  Did this person think I was a human television, and that it was somehow possible to change my channel?  The way I figure it, this person either thought I could make up a routine on W.O.W. on the spot, or else thought I had a W.O.W. routine ready to go, just in case someone asked for it.

I probably could have said, "I'm sorry, but I don't have a joke about World of Warcraft," which would have made these people think I was an inadequate comic, not being prepared for every possible, albeit improbable suggestion.  But instead, I just got pissed off and yelled at the guy.  To this day, I don't know why it pissed me off that much.

7) CRITICS - Very straightforward.  If they don't like something, they tell you why they don't like it right in the middle of the show.  It's as if in their minds, the show hasn't started yet, and they're just there to help you rehearse.  In these cases, I suggest politely saying, "Hold your suggestions and comments until after the show has finished."  Then when they come to you after the show to give you notes, I suggest stabbing them.

The most frustrating critics are the ones who have NEVER done stand-up before in their lives, but somehow, know EVERYTHING about how to do it.  If you suggest they try it at an open mic to test their theories, they always say they'd be too shy to get up on stage.  Apparently, they think that the only difference between a professional comedian and everyone else is a lack of shyness, but the understanding of writing material, timing, delivery, etc. are all common sense.  I've heard some of the WORST advice from non-comedians, like "sing country songs in the middle of your act," or "talk about the worst you've ever been injured," or "try to find a way to make having a dog relateable to people," or "the audience wants to know what you were doing BEFORE you saw the bear; how about you were looking for your grandmother's missing foot."

?) MISCELLANEOUS - Ever have a guy walk up on stage during your set, and ask if he could try on your shirt?  It happened to me once, and I had no idea how to respond.  (To be fair, it was a very nice shirt.)

Fashion Tips for Women from Men

I think it's safe to say that all of the fashion magazines for women are either written by flamboyantly gay European men or women who have been living in the fashion world so long, that their brains have turned to plastic.  The irony is that most of the articles in these magazines (or magazine-type shows and websites, because who reads paper magazines anymore) seem to be implying that the goal is to be more attractive to heterosexual men.  Yes, some magazines do offer "a man's point of view," but these articles are almost entirely written by women or by men being told what to say by the women in charge of the magazine.  (And no, that's not conjecture.  It's a fact.  I saw it on "Penn & Teller's Bullshit.")

Anyway, it got me to thinking...  What if straight men wrote for women's magazines, and told women, right out, what it is that we want?  So here is my idea of a women's fashion magazine written by a straight man:

THE HOT NEW CLOTHING FASHIONS FOR THIS YEAR:  What's wrong with the clothes you wore last year?  Really, what you've got on now looks fine.

HOTTEST NEW SHOE FASHIONS:  It doesn't matter.  We never notice your shoes.  The only guys who pay attention to women's shoes are fetishists, and unless you're a fellow freak, you're probably better off avoiding those guys.  Just wear whatever you want.  (But if you choose to wear high heels, don't come compaining to me later that your feet hurt, because it's your own damn fault.)

DIETING TIPS:  Don't bother.  You get cranky and irritable when you're hungry.  Plus, if you go on a diet, then you'll probably expect me to go on a diet too.  Besides, chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and fatty foods make your tits and ass bigger.  Eat more junk food.

HOW TO GET THE PERFECT BODY:  There isn't one.  Some guys like skinny women, some guys like fat women, some guys like muscular women, but the majority of guys like average-looking women.  (Surprised?  Don't be.  That's how it got to be the average in the first place.)  I don't know anyone, though, who is attracted to a skeleton, so as long as you're not starving, you should be okay.

SEX TIPS:  Here's how you can drive your man wild in the bedroom.  Show up.  Honestly, we're just glad that you're a part of this.  Of course, if want to do something really wild for those special occasions, just ask your man to go through his mental rolodex of crazy ideas he got from porno movies (every guy has this), and pick out whichever one is the least illegal.

THE SEXIEST NEW LINGERE:  The easier it is to get it off of you, the better.  I recommend a towel.

THE PERFECT SCENT TO ATTRACT A MAN:  Food.

STUCK IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP?:  If your man is an asshole, here's a surefire way to improve your life.  Step one:  Kick his ass.  (If he's bigger and stronger than you, which isn't as common as it used to be, you may have a friend kick his ass for you.)  Step two:  Stop dating him, or anyone similar to him.  Step three:  Date someone who is not an asshole.  I recommend myself.

COMPATIBILITY QUIZ:  1) Do you like him?  2) Does he like you?  3) Seriously, do you need a third question?  Put down the quiz, and stop trying to ruin a good thing.

HOW TO GET YOUR MAN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT:  Here's a novel idea.  Drop the cryptic bullshit and just tell him.  I know it sounds crazy, but it actually does work.

MAKE-UP TIPS:  I won't lie.  Some guys like goth chicks, some guys like glamour gals, and some guys like the girl-next-door look...  But there are NO GUYS who like a woman to hog the bathroom for three hours getting ready!  So let's pick the lesser of two evils, and go au natural.

HOW TO FIND THE PERFECT GUY:  There is no such thing.  Seriously, you might as well be looking for a unicorn.  You want a guy you'll be happy with?  It's a three-step process.  First, look at all the guys who listen to most of the same kinds of music that you like.  Generally, people who like the same music have most of the same interests in other areas.  Second, cross off all the guys who are drunks, rapists, cheaters, stalkers, deadbeats, wife-beaters, drug-addicts, or have other personalities living in their heads.  (Despite what you've seen on the Lifetime Network, there aren't that many.)  Third, select from the remaining list whoever is the least unpleasant to look at, and there you go.

BUT SHOULDN'T I BE DEDICATING MY LIFE TO SPENDING LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY SO THAT I CAN LIVE UP TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY, AND JUSTIFY IT BY SAYING THAT I'M DOING IT ALL FOR MY MAN (EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER NOTICES), OUT OF THE FEAR THAT I MIGHT LOSE HIM AND FIND MYSELF *GASP* SINGLE FOR A SHORT WHILE?!:    Ummmmmm....  No.

YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR.  I'M NOT A FEMINIST, SO YOU CAN JUST BE YOUR HONEST SELF AROUND ME.  NOW, HONESTLY, YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO MAKE MYSELF PRETTY FOR YOU, WHILE YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL I SNAP AND STAB YOU, RIGHT?:  Uhhhhhhhhhhh.......  Fine, whatever.  I give up.

Well, that about sums it up.  By the way, if you're a man taking fashion advice from gay men ("Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"), then I advise you to take a look at how badly women have been torturing themselves to live up to what they've been brainwashed to think that straight men want, and then ask yourself, "Do I trust the same gay guys to tell me how to torture myself to live up to what they think that straight women want?"  Yeah, I didn't think so.  The only people who should be taking fashion advice from gay guys are other gay guys.

And ladies, if you feel the urge to tell us to "stop doing the nice guy routine," because we think it's what you want from us...  We know already!  We're not pretending to be pussies to get laid.  Some of us really are pussies.  You think we haven't noticed women fawning over the hunky athletic guys?  We're not blind.  Telling us it's okay to be more like a "real man," is like telling women that it's okay to be a slutty cheerleader.

One last thing I have to point out.  There is no problem in society with the standard of beauty for women.  Go on any homemade porn site, and you'll see the most honest comments from everyone about what we actually find attractive.  You might be saying to yourself, "But don't young girls have an obligation to look like fashion models, which is why they become annhorexic or bullemic?"  No, dipshit.  Eating disorders are signs of a neurosis, not a cultural problem.  Compuslive hand washers aren't caused by trying to live up to watch catalogs.  Get these people some medical help.  Adding an extra five pounds to a person whose job it is to show us clothes, and calling it an "attainable goal" is not the answer!  Really, what is a model anyway?  It's just a human being doing the job of a hanger.  I don't know where we got this idea that anyone should be trying to look like them.  What next, are we going to start using shorter basketball players, taller jockeys, and thinner sumo wrestlers, so that guys don't feel like our goals are unattainable?  There's no such thing as an attainable goal, because everyone's body is different.  And don't get me started on the Barbie dolls.  I had an Optimus Prime as a kid, but you don't see me suffering an inferiority complex because I'm not a thirty-foot-tall shapeshifting robot.  Okay, I'm done now.

Status Symbols

What are status symbols for today?  What charactaristics make you seem more respectable than the average person?  If this were a perfect world, the list of priorities would go something like this:

1. Compassion
2. Honesty
3. Work-Ethic
4. Courage

That is to say, that in a perfect world, a kind liar would be more respected than an honest asshole, an honest lazy person would be more respected than a hard-working liar, a hard-working coward would be more respected than a lazy brave person, and anything after courage wouldn't be taken into consideration.  Sadly, we do not live in a perfect world.  In the real world, the list goes more like this:

1. Misfortune
2. Intelligence
3. Taste
4. Positivity
5. Age

Starting with misfortune, it is largely accepted that the most recognition tends to go to the person in the room who has had the worst things happen to him in his lifetime, preferably recently.  A conversation would go something like this:

  "Did you hear about Bob?  He lost his job, his wife left him, and he has a stomach flu."
  "Wow, God bless him.  He's a good man."
  "Yeah, but then he won the lottery."
  "What?  That bastard!"

It has gotten to such a point that even those things previously considered good, now have to be validated by putting a negative spin on them.  A person gets a paid vacation, and has to say, "I'm going to be bored all week," or "I'm going to be so busy with housework, I won't even enjoy it."  Otherwise, he might sound like he's gloating over his good fortune.  Even being a unique individual now has to be explained as a neurological disorder.  You see a person cleaning up the place, and he has to excuse his seemingly good gesture by saying that he has OCD.  He knows that having a brain defect of some sort is more socially acceptible than just being tidy.

With all misfortune being equal, the second priority is intelligence.  For most people, intelligence is not measured by education, memory or ability, but rather by a keen grasp on the nature of the real world.  People generally measure this by cynicism and/or frugality.  The more money you save, the smarter people will think you are, even if this means avoiding acts of charity.  You give money to a homeless person, and people look at you as if you thought you were making some sort of really bad long-term investment.  As for cynicism, the idea is that if you expect the worst, people think you know what's going on, but if you expect the best, people tend to think of you as naive.  Banking on getting that promotion, or the girl you like saying yes, or there being a God, are all signs that you might be unaware of the incredible risks of setting yourself up for a disappointment.  People look at you as though Murphy's Law is a real force in the universe, of which you are ignorant.  If you really want people to think that you've been paying attention to the world thus far, you'll put on the guise of a pessimist, or better yet, a nihilist.

The old saying goes, "In matters of taste, there can be no dispute."  Well, the person who said that has never been on the internet.  People often judge one another on whether or not they like the same movies, music, books, TV shows, video games, shopping centers, and so on.  The rule of thumb is that when there is a disagreement on a particular item, status goes to the person who dislikes the item more.  Nobody wants to be the guy who likes something that another person dislikes:

  "I really like that new Harry Potter movie."
  "That movie sucked."
  "Um... yeah...  I thought so too."

This is why so many people play it safe, and just automatically hate everything.  If you hate every single thing in existence, the only way you can be trumped is by someone who hates everything in existence, but expresses their hatred more vehemently than you do.

The next item on the list is positivity.  You might think that having a positive attitude contradicts the cynicism and glorification of misfortune previously mentioned.  However, in this case, positivity applies only to response to existing situations, rather than expectations for the future.  For example, an optimist expects to get a raise, whereas a positive pessemist doesn't mind the fact that he probably won't get it.

When people become seriously depressed, no matter what the reason, we tend to think of them as "drama queens."  People back away from other people's drama and negativity, often ostracizing them from the social group.  People make video blogs on how much they dispise "emos."  Some even go so far as to add a pseudo-religious element to this convention, saying that "negative energy" is a real force which can cause misfortune to occur in the lives of anyone who associates with a negative person.  Misery has become the new sin.

Misfortune brings status, but being emotionally affected by misfortune removes status.  A true status-building statement would go something like this:

  "I lost my job, my wife left me, my car broke down, and a steel spike flew off a construction site and impaled my skull...  But you know me.  I can't complain."

The phrase "I can't complain" is one of the disclaimers which alerts the listeners that although you feel the need to inform them of everything that has gone wrong in your life, you're not just trying to gain sympathy.  Other popular disclaimers are "but it could be worse," "but it's not as bad as it seems," "but that's life," and so on.  ("That's life" is actually a doubley useful phrase, because not only does it imply that you're not bothered by your misfortune, but it also implies that you didn't expect anything better, which gives the impression of intelligence.)

Failing to use one of these disclaimers, you'll have been perceived as "emo" or "drama queen," and your only recourse is to blame your attitude on a chemical imbalance, and hope to cash in on some of the misfortune-of-having-a-disorder respect.  It sometimes works.

All other things being equal, the fifth status symbol is age.  People tend to be more respectful of older people than younger people.  This may come as a surprise, because we often hear about how much elderly people are disrespected, but consider this.  For as much disrespect a young person has for an old person, it's nothing compared with how much disrespect there is the other way around.  Old people have virtually no respect whatsoever for young people.

The ranking system goes like this:  1) People exactly the same age as you.  2) People older than you.  3) People younger than you.

One of the reasons that older people are more respected than younger people, (besides the obvious fact that older people actually know more), is a sort of reverse-prejudice.  People are extra polite to old people to prove that they're NOT one of those people who isn't.  (It's sort of like the white guy who is extra nice when the black guy enters the room, so that everyone knows how much he's not a racist.)

There is no way that a person can outright change his age, as he would change his opinion about the latest Spider-Man movie.  However, people do tend to take steps to emphasize their age by making partially-obscure references to things from their childhoods.  "Hey, remember the Snorks?"  It's almost like a secret handshake between people who grew up in the same era.  It's the sort of thing that these "young punks" wouldn't get.  Even the hipster who claims to hate everything that comes out, is reluctant to bash something from his childhood, because he knows that he may need it later to connect with another thirty-something.

People want to show their age in every way possible, EXCEPT for appearance.  We all want to look good for our ages.  What's the point of looking like you're twenty-five, unless people know that you're really forty?  Besides, knowing obscure references can also be taken as a sign of intelligence, in the sense of being more informed.

The fallout of this is that young hipsters have started actively seeking out things from "before their time" to enjoy.  They often use the line, "I was born in the wrong era."  It's a sort of manufactured nostalgia, which satisfies a wide range of status symbols -- the misfortune of having been born too late, the intelligence of knowing about a wider range of things, the taste in hating all the "new" pop culture icons, and having the respect of acting older, without actually looking older.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing on young people, and I certainly don't think that young people should be forsaking Michael Jackson in favor of Justin Beiber.  In the age of the internet, people are exposed to a wide range of music and movies almost irrelevant of when they were originally released, and a lot of the older stuff is probably better than a lot of the newer stuff.  The point is that the phrase "They don't make 'em like they used to," somehow gets you an automatic round of applause and nods of agreement.  If it's in the form of a video comment, it gets a hailstorm of "likes" and "thumbs ups."  No one wants to be the one to say that he prefers something newer over something older, as it might cause him to be marked as a drone of corporate-run media, (which is another reason why it's often safer to simply hate everything).

So there you have it:  A stupid unlucky person is more respected than a lucky smart person, a cheap cynical fanboy is more respected than a culture-bashing optimist, a whiner who hates everything is more respected than a pop-culture fan with a postivie attitude, a teenager who "can't complain" is more respected than a middle-aged guy who is depressed, and a thirty-something who looks like a twenty-something is more respected than an actual twenty-something, unless that twenty-something listens to Glen Miller.

Yes, it's a stupid system which we have accepted as the de facto social hierarchy, and it encourages a lot of annoying and obnoxious habits...  but hey, I can't complain.

Signs That You Might Be a God

Here are some warning signs that you may be a living god:

* Losing track of time.
* A strong reluctance to show up uninvited.
* People frequently asking you for help.
* Looking really good for your age.
* Being mostly unaffected by cold and flu season.
* Often receiving gifts from strangers.
* Huge ego.
* Being the subject of outlandish rumors and speculation.
* Being spoken about positively behind your back.
* A generally flighty and mercurial lifestyle.
* A tendency to disappear for long periods, during which many people think you are dead.
* Vague childhood memories, in which the gaps are filled in by hearsay.
* A fascination with obscure knowledge, particularly in the areas of history, anthropology, the occult, and especially religions.
* Unwillingness to submit to authority.
* A tendency to exist noncorporeally for indefinite periods of time, while simultaneously controlling the forces of nature by will alone.

Famous Directors Quiz

Here's a fun quiz.  I'll describe a movie (not a specific one), and you try to guess who the director is.  Answers are at the bottom.
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1. It's the ciminal underworld of New York City.  There are lots of overhead camera shots, and the scenery uses a lot of the color red.  Robert DeNiro is in a starring role.
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2. The camera zooms and pans over long distances very quickly.  There are POV shots, moving shots, and those cool zooms where the actor seems to be getting closer, while the background is getting farther away.  Bruce Campbell is in it.
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3. Dark and gothic, but with a childlike quality, almost like the kind of things you had nightmares about when you were five.  It's nighttime, and there's blood splattered.  You hear the music of the Danny Elfman Orchestra, and the movie stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
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4. I'm not really sure what it is.  It's sort of a comedy, sort of an action movie, and sort of a drama, but it fails on all counts.  Still, there's a big budget and flashy special effects, so it does make a good bit of money, and in its own way, it is entertaining.
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5. It's New York City.  There are several couples in relationships, and they're all cheating on each other, but that's not really a big deal.  Characters have very casual conversations about everything from sexual fetishes to global economics.  Characters are often interrupting each other, sometimes from somewhere off camera, so the camera has to whip around to see who's talking.  The director is also the star.
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6. The camera is zooming in or out very slowly...  I mean very VERRRRY sloooowwwwllllly, and over a much longer distance than you were expecting.  There are long periods of no dialog whatsoever, possibly filled with soft music.  No one in the audience can understand the ending.
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7. Every detail of this movie is crafted to perfection.  There are periods of silence when you know something is about to happen, but you're being kept in suspense.  If you look closely, you can see the director in the background of one scene.
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8. The movie is slow and creepy.  There are a lot of shadows, and subtle things in the background that you almost don't notice.  In the end, the audience jumps up and yells, "Holy shit!  THAT'S what was going on the whole time?!!!"
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9. The movie sucks on all levels.  Every scene is a pointless reference to overhyped TV shows, commercials from last year, and featured Youtube videos that nobody likes.  It steals jokes from other movies.  It immitates trailers to movies coming out, and then throws in something nonsequiter and juvinile, like a fart or someone falling down.  There's a scene where people dance for no reason.  The movie makes almost no money on ticket sales, but more than makes up for the loss through product placements.  The title contains the word "Movie."
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10. In a black community, the story is poignant, and we all learn something from it.
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11. In a black community, the story is silly and sitcomish, and white people don't bother to go see it.
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12. The movie parodies other movies and genres, exposing all the cliches.  You can watch it over and over, and it never gets old.  There are a lot of Jewish jokes, and the director is also one of the stars.  Some of the other actors appearing are Dom Deloise, Harvey Coreman, Madaline Khan and Ron Carey.
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13. The movie parodies other movies.  All the jokes are well-written.  The actors say the most outrageous things, but with a serious deadpan expression.
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14. The story is fantastical, and the characters use puppetry or animatronics.  It's fun for all ages.
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15. A dark comedy, probably about criminals.  Every character is complex and interesting enough to be the main character, including those who are only on screen for a minute.  The story is balanced just on the edge of being realistic and unrealistic.  John Goodman may be appearing.
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16. The movie is entirely stop-motion animation.  The setting has a creepy otherworldly quality.  There are lots of night scenes, and lots and lots of very large insects.
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17. The story is set in Biblical times.  There are panoramic shots with thousands of extras.  The special effects and dialog are way over the top.
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18. This movie can be one of two things.  It's either a big-budget movie exploring the mysteries and possibilities of life, with brilliant bright multicolored lights coming from every direction while people look on in childlike wonder...  or else it's a depressing World War II story.  At some point, you will see either a sunrise or a shooting star.
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19. Framed like an arthouse film, set like a big-budget action movie, and written like a serious drama.  This movie wins on all levels.  Also, there's a pretty good chance that someone is getting decapitated.
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20. Lots of blood, lots of extreme violence, lots of action.  There are bullets flying and car chases, yet somehow, the characters seem to be able to hold a casual conversation about nothing in particular.  The scenes may be out of sequence.
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21. Incredibly huge budget, lots of special effects, and most importantly, the beautiful landscapes of New Zealand.  (Of course, if it's one of his earlier films, then it's a gore-fest.)
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22. The movie is set in Baltimore.  Most of the main characters are young.  The story is really really fucked up, but in a good way.
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23. Characters have conversations about movies and comic books.  There is a sarcastic attitude toward pop culture, religion and society in general.  The director probably appears in the movie, playing his usual non-talkative character.
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24 and 25. Lightning-fast comedic dialog, so that the characters are almost functioning as a single unit.  Every situation is met with the same ironic attitude.  There are one-liners in this movie which you and your friends will be quoting for years to come.  These two directors may be working together or serperately.  Bill Murray appears.
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26. A childlike fairy tale, but with a dark side.  The story has a mythical quality, but with a simplicity about it.  It doesn't take itself seriously.  (Of course, if the other Pythons are involved, then it gets totally silly.)
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27. Gothic, yet colorful.  Bloody and gorey, yet whimsical.  The movie is a light-hearted variation on the classic horror genre.  Based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe, and starring Vincent Price.
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28. Cheap sets, flubbed lines, unrealistic plots, laughable special effects, and lots and lots of stock footage.  It could be a science fiction story, a porno movie, or both.  Bela Lugosi appears.  The movie should suck, yet somehow, everyone loves it anyway.
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29. Dark sets with lots of shadows, but filled with shiny ornate metal objects, giving it an almost steampunk look.  There are large demonic monsters, an epic storyline, and an ending that involves a blood sacrifice.  Ron Pearlman stars.
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30. Steven Spielberg is involved, but not directing this time.  Could be anything.  Tom Hanks is probably in it.
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31. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show.  Lots of lens flares.  Good special effects and great writing.  Very sarcastic.
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32. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show.  Some lens flares.  Great special effects and good writing.  Very epic.
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33. Huge budget, big stars, and gigantic explosions.  Mostly realistic-looking CGI-effects, and the fate of the world hanging in the balance.  The President of the United States is one of the characters.  At some point, there's a fighter jet involved.  There have been some major changes made from whatever source material was used.
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34. It could be horror, comedy or action, but whatever it is, it has a sort of irreverent tounge-in-cheek humor.  Most of the stars are probably former cast members of Saturday Night Live.
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ANSWERS:
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1. Martin Scorsese
2. Sam Raimi
3. Tim Burton
4. Joel Schumacher
5. Woody Allen
6. Stanley Kubrick
7. Alfred Hitchcock
8. M. Night Shyamalan
9. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
10. Spike Lee
11. Tyler Perry
12. Mel Brooks
13. David & Jerry Zucker
14. Jim Henson & Frank Oz
15. Joel & Ethan Coen
16. Henry Selick
17. Cecil B. DeMille
18. Steven Spielberg
19. Francis Ford Coppela
20. Quentin Tarantino
21. Peter Jackson
22. John Waters
23. Kevin Smith
24 & 25. Ivan Reitman / Harold Ramis
26. Terry Gilliam
27. Roger Coreman
28. Ed Wood
29. Guillermo del Toro
30. Robert Zemeckis
31. Joss Whedon
32. J.J. Abrams
33. Michael Bay
34. John Landis