Is there a God (or gods)? I have heard so many arguments from both sides, and most of the arguments I've heard attempting to either "prove" or "disprove" god(s) have just been stupid and oversimplified. So, to answer ALL of them at once, I made a five-and-a-half-hour-long video series discussing them. You can watch the entire series:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l4DHxqV6_Ok&list=PLRc3e3NwfnHnR-ZceMrlAGoIWVWdWN6w3
Or, you can just skip to a specific argument you want to hear discussed:
ARGUMENTS FOR THE EXISTENCE OF GOD:
The brain cannot produce absolute truth without God:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=15m16s
Gödel's Ontological Proof of God:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=18m49s
The Higgs-Boson proves the existence of God:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=25m16s
The teachings of the Bible:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=31m14s
Where do we go when we die?:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=43m27s
Faith-based charities (referenced):
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=51m18s
God must exist to form an argument against him:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=53m43s
Signs of the End Times are in the news today:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=33s
Atheists suffer more than believers do:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=4m54s
God has helped people through difficult times:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=4m54s
Near death experiences / out-of-body experiences:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=6m39s
Atheism is a type of faith:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=13m54s
Without God, there can be no morality:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=33m20s
Visions, signs and miracles:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=41m24s
Ghost sightings:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=45m17s
A spiritual awaking is coming:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=1m7s
DNA shows intelligent design:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=2m40s
There must have been a first cause:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=12m7s
Evil is the absence of the goodness of God:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=13m42s
Sun goes up, sun goes down, tide comes in, tide goes out:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=18m33s
Messages from the spirit world received by mediums:
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=40s
Evolution is an illogical theory:
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=12m51s
How do we know the appendix does nothing?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=16m27s
How did the Cambrian explosion happen?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=17m22s
Evolution is only a theory, so why can't another theory be right?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=19m6s
Where did the first amoeba come from?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=20m29s
We didn't come from monkeys. We're not just animals.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=21m55s
Evolution is only based on similarity in life forms.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=24m33s
No one has ever seen evolution from one species into another.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=26m25s
Evolution goes against the second law of thermodynamics.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=27m34s
How can anyone explain the skeletons of giants?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=27m34s
Charles Darwin even admitted that he had been wrong.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=29m48s
If we came from apes, then why are apes still around?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=31m29s
No one has ever seen a "missing link."
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=31m29s
Why are there so few so-called transitional fossils?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=35m47s
Why haven't the oldest life formed changed?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=37m26s
Where do extra chromosomes come from?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=39m6s
Bananas!
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=40m26s
If even one gene is removed or changed, we would die instantly.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=42m8s
Which came first? Heart to pump blood, or the blood without a heart?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=43m28s
The eye is too complex to have happened all at once.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=46m32s
Why assume there is no God before starting to figure out evolution?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=48m29s
Why are modern lizards less complex than dinosaurs?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=49m59s
Fruit fly experiments have failed to produce a new species.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=51m39s
Where do asteroids come from?
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=52m44s
Human and dinosaur bones have been found in the same rock strata.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=53m42s
The Piltdown Man was a fake.
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=57m48s
"Evil-lution."
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=36s
Saying that God does not exist is a reification fallacy:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=42s
People only become atheists because they're afraid of the truth:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=3m12s
I just have a "feeling" that there's a God:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=4m48s
If there are a finite number of things, there must be a greatest:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=5m28s
People see angels:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=10m2s
Pascal's Wager:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=16m6s
Liar, Lunatic, Lord:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=19m23s
Quantum mechanics prove God:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=24m41s
Demonic possessions and exorcisms:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=45m32s
Noah's Ark was discovered:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=46m59s
Science has never proven that God does not exist:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=51m56s
The conditions for life on Earth are too perfect to have occurred by chance:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=54m11s
Who wrote the Bible?
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=49s
The Koran predicted that the universe was expanding:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=1m19s
The beauty of nature:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=5m1s
USA is a Christian nation founded on Christian principles:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=11m56s
Universal constants:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=18m46s
ARGUMENTS AGAINST THE EXISTENCE OF GOD:
Religion created God to control people through fear:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=17m19s
Miracles can be explained scientifically:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=21m13s
The Higgs-Boson proves that the universe was created without God:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=25m16s
God cannot exist in a vacuum:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=27m10s
God could not predict holy wars:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=29m2s
The universe began with the Big Bang:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=32m30s
No one was around to create God:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=37m31s
Prayers go unanswered:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=39m28s
Atheists don't preach or try to convert people:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=41m5s
Religion causes violence:
http://youtu.be/l4DHxqV6_Ok?t=46m45s
Why hasn't God proven himself?:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=4m33s
Bad things happen in nature (e.g. parasitic wasps):
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=9m53s
Everything that exists must be either matter or energy:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=12m12s
An infinite God is impossible, and a finite god cannot be examined:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=14m37s
Ancient "gods" were probably just visiting aliens:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=16m59s
Believing in God is just stupid:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=21m19s
God must know evil to be perfect:
http://youtu.be/9HDhJ14RHDk?t=22m25s
An all-knowing being would take away free will:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=39s
The Gospels weren't written until long after Jesus died:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=11m3s
The supernatural can be easily faked:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=17m34s
God doesn't do huge miracles anymore:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=19m43s
The Bible is full of mistakes:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=22m45s and http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=20m34s
There is evil in the world:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=27m43s
The human body is badly designed:
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=31m2s
Flying Spaghetti Monster (aka. Invisible Pink Unicorn or Russell's Teapot):
http://youtu.be/6kCt6LNZg54?t=38m41s
Could God create a rock so heavy that he can't lift it? // Why can't God control hell or the devil?
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=4m21s
Omniscience contradicts consciousness (referenced):
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=6m18s
Religion leads to bad political decisions (i.e. Republicans and other social conservatives):
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=7m4s
Religion is bad for education:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=9m19s
Logical fallacies (e.g. "appeal to authority," "appeal to the masses," etc.):
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=16m44s
Evolution:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=21m50s
God is not defined:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=29m7s
Atheists don't say there ISN'T a god, and everyone is agnostic:
http://youtu.be/MqDKA4Cu8tU?t=34m1s
Religions cannot agree on anything:
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=2m38s
The burden of proof is on the person making the positive claim, and great claims require great proof:
http://youtu.be/egM2tzpKe_s?t=4m20s
There are no archeological remnants of the Hebrews wandering in the desert:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=7m38s
Morality changes over time:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=11m35s
Religion teaches hatred:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=13m5s
No one believes in the Pagan gods anymore:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=26m19s
A perfect being cannot have free will:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=30m40s
Jesus's miracles look like magicians tricks:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=31m44s
Documentary: "Jesus, The Man Who Wasn't There"
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=34m35s
Magic, miracles, ESP and other paranormal or supernatural phenomena are not repeatable:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=40m28s
Occam's Razor: The simplest explanation is usually the correct one:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=49m36s
Science has never proven that there is a god:
http://youtu.be/5POLBnM_cLI?t=51m56s
Religion is male-dominated:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=2m36s
The Rapture didn't happen when it was supposed to:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=5m22s
Cre-tard-ism:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=7m49s
Why don't psychics win the lottery?:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=8m6s
Brain damage causes memory loss and changes in behavior:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=9m26s
USA is a secular nation. / Separation of church and state:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=11m56s
Christianity caused the Dark Ages:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=16m18s
CLOSING THOUGHTS:
http://youtu.be/l0-FC9X4QTE?t=23m39s
Sunday, June 30, 2013
Saturday, June 8, 2013
Did You Ever Notice On Star Trek...
Did you ever notice on Star Trek:
* The universal translator, which instantly makes every language sound like English, has no effect on French or Klingon?
* On the original series, when the transporter would malfunction, it never occurred to anyone to just use the shuttlecraft?
* In every crowd scene in the movies, there is EXACTLY ONE blue person?
* Data only stops using contractions when talking about how he's incapable of using contractions?
* Even though the holodeck can create clothing, the crew feels the need to change into costume before entering?
* No one outside the series "Enterprise" ever mentions the first Enterprise?
* Almost all of the dialog on Voyager is just saying the names of different subatomic particles?
* Not only do the red-shirts die right away, but they don't even look all that surprised?
* Even though Vulcans are super technologically advanced and purely logical and scientific, the only places we ever visit are rocky canyons and mystic temples where everyone looks pissed off?
* Even though the Borg have a huge fleet of ships that could cross the galaxy in seconds, they always only send one ship at a time, and if it's destroyed, they just give up for a few years?
* No one ever brings up the Prime Directive unless it's terribly inconvenient, and will probably be ignored anyway?
* Even though money is used all the time in the future, everyone still feels the need to point out how they don't use money in the future?
* Starfleet history classes don't teach anything about the late 20th or early 21st centuries?
* No matter how many times the crew members are promoted, they always sit in the same positions doing the same jobs?
* The events from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" might as well have never happened?
* Even though everyone knows how to travel back in time by slingshotting around the sun, people hardly use it?
* All the ships sent from Earth are called "Federation" ships, but all the ships sent from Vulcan are called "Vulcan" ships?
* The date of the Eugenics War keeps getting pushed further into the future?
* Nine out of ten times that an Enterprise gets blown up, there's a time warp in effect which will prevent it from having happened?
* Everyone in Starfleet who ISN'T a member of the Enterprise bridge crew is completely incompetent?
* The Enterprise is the only ship in the area... EVEN WHEN IT'S IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH!
* The universal translator, which instantly makes every language sound like English, has no effect on French or Klingon?
* On the original series, when the transporter would malfunction, it never occurred to anyone to just use the shuttlecraft?
* In every crowd scene in the movies, there is EXACTLY ONE blue person?
* Data only stops using contractions when talking about how he's incapable of using contractions?
* Even though the holodeck can create clothing, the crew feels the need to change into costume before entering?
* No one outside the series "Enterprise" ever mentions the first Enterprise?
* Almost all of the dialog on Voyager is just saying the names of different subatomic particles?
* Not only do the red-shirts die right away, but they don't even look all that surprised?
* Even though Vulcans are super technologically advanced and purely logical and scientific, the only places we ever visit are rocky canyons and mystic temples where everyone looks pissed off?
* Even though the Borg have a huge fleet of ships that could cross the galaxy in seconds, they always only send one ship at a time, and if it's destroyed, they just give up for a few years?
* No one ever brings up the Prime Directive unless it's terribly inconvenient, and will probably be ignored anyway?
* Even though money is used all the time in the future, everyone still feels the need to point out how they don't use money in the future?
* Starfleet history classes don't teach anything about the late 20th or early 21st centuries?
* No matter how many times the crew members are promoted, they always sit in the same positions doing the same jobs?
* The events from "Star Trek: The Motion Picture" might as well have never happened?
* Even though everyone knows how to travel back in time by slingshotting around the sun, people hardly use it?
* All the ships sent from Earth are called "Federation" ships, but all the ships sent from Vulcan are called "Vulcan" ships?
* The date of the Eugenics War keeps getting pushed further into the future?
* Nine out of ten times that an Enterprise gets blown up, there's a time warp in effect which will prevent it from having happened?
* Everyone in Starfleet who ISN'T a member of the Enterprise bridge crew is completely incompetent?
* The Enterprise is the only ship in the area... EVEN WHEN IT'S IN ORBIT AROUND EARTH!
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Greatest Monsters of All Time
People have often debated which are the greatest movie monsters or villains of all time. Rather than just put together some lame top ten list that's sure to piss everyone off because it's not the top ten list YOU would have made, I decided to make a definitive collection, arrange them by category, and let you decide for yourself which ones are your favorites.
To avoid having a mile-long list of monsters, I established two general rules:
Rule #1: The monster must be well-known, thus demonstrating having penetrated the general public consciousness. (Nothing from some one-time movie that only a few people remember.)
Rule #2: The monster must be an individual, not a general category. (For example, "zombies" is not a specific individual monster.)
I've broken them down into five basic categories. Enjoy.
CLASSICAL MONSTERS:
* BOGEY MAN - Throughout the Middle Ages, there were legends of "bogey beasts," or mysterious monsters which lived in bogs and attempted to frighten away trespassers. By the modern era, these beasts became blended into a single monster called "the Bogey Man," and has become part of what I call the "children's pantheon" along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. The Bogey Man loves to frighten children, playing off their existing fears. His appearance is varied, but is it often depicted with distorted skin, sharp teeth, glowing eyes, and a soft whispering voice. He often hides in closets and under beds. His weaknesses are bright lights, loud noises and security blankets.
* GRENDEL - A monster which terrorized the Hall of Rothgar before being killed by Beowulf.
Associates: His mother.
* GRIM REAPER - Also known as Charon or simply "Death." He originally ferried souls across the River Styx (or Acheron, depending on your source), but somewhere along the line, he took over the role of the incarnation of death from his brother, Thanatos. He is a skeleton wearing a black hooded robe, and according the Book of Revelation, carries a scythe. He does not consider himself evil, but simply doing his job.
* HYDRA - From Greek mythology, the Hydra is probably the most famous of multi-headed dragons. It is the offspring of Typhon and Echidna, and it has the power to regenerate lost heads (and then some). It was eventually killed by Heracles.
* JERSEY DEVIL - At about the late end of the "classic" monsters, the Jersey Devil is a folk legend from the New England area. According to the legend, he was born sometime before the American Revolution to a woman who was cursed in some way, and immediately flew out on his own to terrorize people. He has horns, wings and hooves.
* MEDUSA - Specifically from Greek mythology, Medusa was one of three immortal sisters known as the gorgons. Medusa was a lover of Poseidon, but cursed by Athena with snakes growing from her head, and eyes which could turn any living thing into stone. Despite her most famous story of being killed by Perseus, she has since reappeared in several modern stories.
* MINOTAUR - Another from Greek mythology, this huge man with the head and hooves of a bull carries an axe and kills any who enter the labyrinth beneath the island of Crete. He was born the offspring of a magic bull and a Minoan princess. He was killed by Thesius, but like so many monsters, has returned to appear in other stories.
* SATAN - The ultimate bad guy, Satan (also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, the Devil, etc.) was once an angel, but betrayed God, becoming the ruler of Hell. Many of his early attributes are based on the Canaanite story of Baal, but by the Middle Ages, the legend of Faust cemented into the modern culture, the image of a distinguished gentleman, who offers contracts to buy human souls in exchange for granting wishes. These wishes usually backfire in some way.
Associates: All known demons.
* SPHINX - A monster with the body of a lion, the face of a woman, and the wings of a falcon. The Sphinx terrorized the people of Thebes, Egypt, before finally being defeated by Oedipus. Before killing (and eating) its victims, the Sphinx would offer a sporting chance of survival in the form of asking riddles.
GOLDEN AGE OF HORROR 1920s-1950s:
* CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON - Often called the "last of the Universal monsters," the creature, also called "Gill-Man," is a fish-like humanoid which kills anyone who threatens his natural habitat.
* DRACULA - Based on the novel and stage play by Bram Stoker (and even more loosely based on Prince Vlad the Impailer of Transylvania), Count Dracula is the world's most powerful vampire (and in some versions, the first vampire). In addition to all the other vampire powers, he can shapeshift into a wolf, a bat or a cloud of mist, is one of the few vampires capable of surviving in sunlight, and can dominate any creature of the night, including most werewolves and zombies. Dracula was defeated in 19th-century England by Professor Abraham Van Helsing.
Associates: Three wives. Alucard (his son). Maria Zeleska (his daughter). Renfield (his insect-eating servant).
* FLY - Dr. Andre DeLambre, working on a way to teleport himself, accidentally merged his own body with the head of a fly.
* FRANKENSTEIN - Based on the novel by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly, Dr. Victor Frankenstein is the quintessential mad scientist. He creates monsters from sewn-together body parts and electricity. His monsters tend to be violent and slow-witted.
Associates: The Monster (his first creation, who has greenish skin and bolts in his neck). Ygor (his conniving hunch-backed assistant). The Bride (his second creation, who has upright streaked hair, and was created as a companion for the first Monster).
* GOLEM OF PRAGUE - A man made of living stone, the Golem was created by a Rabbi using the mystical power of the Kabbalah. He reigns vengeance upon anyone who threatens the Jewish people.
* HEADLESS HORSEMAN - Based on an American folk legend, and popularized by Washington Irving, the Headless Horseman rides through the night around the town of Sleepy Hollow. He is undead after having been beheaded, and often threatens his victims by throwing jack-o-lanterns at them. His weakness is that he cannot cross over running water. He most famously terrorized Ichabod Crane in the 18th century.
* INVISIBLE MAN - Based on the story by H.G. Wells, Dr. Jack Griffin experimented on himself to make himself invisible, with the side-effect of causing him to become sociopathic.
* JEKYLL / HYDE - Based on the story by Robert Lewis Stephenson, Dr. Henry Jekyll is a split personality. After experimenting on himself, he takes on an evil and monstrous alter-ego known as Edward Hyde. In some versions of the story, he drinks or injects the drug for each transformation, while in other versions, the transformations are spontaneous.
* MUMMY (IMHOTEP) - After attempting to resurrect an Egyptian queen, Imhotep (named after the famous Egyptian architect who designed the pyramids), was killed, mummified, and later brought back to life by his own spell read by a team of 20th-century archeologists.
* MUMMY (KHARIS) - An equally popular mummy, Kharis is kept alive by the magic of tana leaves, and used by an Egyptian cult to protect the treasures of Egypt.
* PHANTOM OF THE OPERA - Based on the novel by Gaston LaRue, the Phantom (also known as Erik, or the Opera Ghost) was a deformed and abused child who grew up in the secret tunnels beneath a Paris opera house. He wears a white mask to hide his face. He is the quintessential tortured artist, obsessed with creating musical masterpieces, and killing anyone who stand in the way of his art.
Associates: The rat-catcher.
* WOLFMAN - Unlike other werewolves, Lawrence Talbot III can be brought back from the dead, even if killed by silver. He is also the only known werewolf who cannot be forced to submit to the will of Dracula.
SILVER AGE OF HORROR 1970s-1990s:
* AUDREY II - An oversized talking plant that eats humans.
* CANDYMAN - An undead serial killer who can be summoned through mirrors.
* CHUCKY - Charles Lee Ray, after being killed, used a voodoo spell to transfer his soul into the body of a talking doll.
Associates: Tiffany (his doll girlfriend). Glen (his doll son).
* DAMIEN - The son of Satan. He can manipulate people into murder or suicide.
* GHOSTFACE - Serial killer with a long white mask. He is inspired by other horror movies.
* FREDDY KRUEGER - Once a serial killer of children, using a glove with metal claws, Freddy was killed and burned by the parents of the murdered children. Now undead, Freddy has the power to kill people by integrating himself into their nightmares.
* LEATHERFACE - The most prominent member of a family of killers in Texas. Leatherface carries a chainsaw and wears a mask made from the skin of his previous victims.
* LEPRECHAUN - A not-so-cute leprechaun who will kill anyone who stands between him and his pot of gold.
* MICHAEL MYERS - A natural-born serial killer who wears a white mask. He is associated with the Cult of the Thorn. He is often silent.
* PINHEAD - Not his actual name, but a common nickname. He is the leader of the Cenobites, demons which inflict pain for pleasure. He has white skin, a leather coat, and several nails in his head.
* JASON VORHEEZ - After drowning at Crystal Lake as a child, Jason became an undead immortal. He kills everyone, but his favorite victims are sexually-active teenagers. He wears a hockey mask and carries a machete.
Associates: Pamela (his mother, who was beheaded).
* WISHMASTER - The quintessential evil genie, who grants wishes which inevitably backfire. When not granting wishes, he is trapped inside a magic gem.
GIANT MONSTERS:
* BLOB - An extraterrestrial amorphous mass which grows by consuming everything in its path.
* CTHULHU - A gigantic winged creature with an octopus-like head. He is a force of destruction summoned into this world by cults.
* GAMERA - A giant flying turtle, capable of travelling through space. He fights off other monsters, and is very protective of children.
* GODZILLA - A preserved dinosaur who was resurrected and mutated by nuclear bomb testing somewhere off the coast of Japan. He is much larger than an ordinary dinosaur, often crushing all things in his path. He lives on Monster Island, fighting off other giant monsters. His most powerful weapon is atomic breath.
Associates: Menia (his son). King Ghidorah (his arch-nemesis, a gold three-headed dragon).
* KING KONG - The "Eighth Wonder of the World," King Kong is a giant gorilla from Skull Island, who used to received human sacrifices from the tribesmen, but later travelled to New York City. He was killed, but has inexplicably appeared in other movies since.
* KRAKEN - The word "kraken" originally applied to a giant squid popular in medieval folklore, and the sea monster which destroyed the city of Argos in Greek mythology was never given a name or a description. However, to modern moviegoers, the two creatures are one and the same. It is a giant multi-limbed creature which serves the will of Zeus.
* MOTHRA - A giant moth worshipped by a tribe on a South Pacific island. They summon Mothra by singing. Mothra can create incredible windstorms by flapping her wings, or shoot jets of web.
HUMAN KILLERS (Serial killers without supernatural powers or a cool costume):
(Note: Because of the incredibly long list of real-life serial killers, I'm once again sticking with recurring movie characters.)
* NORMAN BATES - (SPOILER ALERT!) The owner of the Bates Motel, Norman went insane after killing his mother, and has since become a multiple personality, with the other personality being a homicidal version of his late mother.
* HANIBAL LECTER - A deranged psychiatrist and cannibal. He delights in taunting his adversaries.
* JACK THE RIPPER - Originally a nickname for an unidentified real-life serial killer from 18th-century London, Jack the Ripper has become a popular recurring character throughout science fiction and horror. The specifics vary widely from one production to the next.
* SWEENY TODD - A homicidal barber who kills his customers. Originally just a legendary figure who robbed his victims, but in later versions, an alias for Benjamin Barker, who sought revenge on his enemies, but got carried away killing everyone else.
Associates: Mrs. Lovett (his accomplice, who disposed of the victims' bodies by baking them into pies).
To avoid having a mile-long list of monsters, I established two general rules:
Rule #1: The monster must be well-known, thus demonstrating having penetrated the general public consciousness. (Nothing from some one-time movie that only a few people remember.)
Rule #2: The monster must be an individual, not a general category. (For example, "zombies" is not a specific individual monster.)
I've broken them down into five basic categories. Enjoy.
CLASSICAL MONSTERS:
* BOGEY MAN - Throughout the Middle Ages, there were legends of "bogey beasts," or mysterious monsters which lived in bogs and attempted to frighten away trespassers. By the modern era, these beasts became blended into a single monster called "the Bogey Man," and has become part of what I call the "children's pantheon" along with Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. The Bogey Man loves to frighten children, playing off their existing fears. His appearance is varied, but is it often depicted with distorted skin, sharp teeth, glowing eyes, and a soft whispering voice. He often hides in closets and under beds. His weaknesses are bright lights, loud noises and security blankets.
* GRENDEL - A monster which terrorized the Hall of Rothgar before being killed by Beowulf.
Associates: His mother.
* GRIM REAPER - Also known as Charon or simply "Death." He originally ferried souls across the River Styx (or Acheron, depending on your source), but somewhere along the line, he took over the role of the incarnation of death from his brother, Thanatos. He is a skeleton wearing a black hooded robe, and according the Book of Revelation, carries a scythe. He does not consider himself evil, but simply doing his job.
* HYDRA - From Greek mythology, the Hydra is probably the most famous of multi-headed dragons. It is the offspring of Typhon and Echidna, and it has the power to regenerate lost heads (and then some). It was eventually killed by Heracles.
* JERSEY DEVIL - At about the late end of the "classic" monsters, the Jersey Devil is a folk legend from the New England area. According to the legend, he was born sometime before the American Revolution to a woman who was cursed in some way, and immediately flew out on his own to terrorize people. He has horns, wings and hooves.
* MEDUSA - Specifically from Greek mythology, Medusa was one of three immortal sisters known as the gorgons. Medusa was a lover of Poseidon, but cursed by Athena with snakes growing from her head, and eyes which could turn any living thing into stone. Despite her most famous story of being killed by Perseus, she has since reappeared in several modern stories.
* MINOTAUR - Another from Greek mythology, this huge man with the head and hooves of a bull carries an axe and kills any who enter the labyrinth beneath the island of Crete. He was born the offspring of a magic bull and a Minoan princess. He was killed by Thesius, but like so many monsters, has returned to appear in other stories.
* SATAN - The ultimate bad guy, Satan (also known as Lucifer, Beelzebub, Mephistopheles, the Devil, etc.) was once an angel, but betrayed God, becoming the ruler of Hell. Many of his early attributes are based on the Canaanite story of Baal, but by the Middle Ages, the legend of Faust cemented into the modern culture, the image of a distinguished gentleman, who offers contracts to buy human souls in exchange for granting wishes. These wishes usually backfire in some way.
Associates: All known demons.
* SPHINX - A monster with the body of a lion, the face of a woman, and the wings of a falcon. The Sphinx terrorized the people of Thebes, Egypt, before finally being defeated by Oedipus. Before killing (and eating) its victims, the Sphinx would offer a sporting chance of survival in the form of asking riddles.
GOLDEN AGE OF HORROR 1920s-1950s:
* CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON - Often called the "last of the Universal monsters," the creature, also called "Gill-Man," is a fish-like humanoid which kills anyone who threatens his natural habitat.
* DRACULA - Based on the novel and stage play by Bram Stoker (and even more loosely based on Prince Vlad the Impailer of Transylvania), Count Dracula is the world's most powerful vampire (and in some versions, the first vampire). In addition to all the other vampire powers, he can shapeshift into a wolf, a bat or a cloud of mist, is one of the few vampires capable of surviving in sunlight, and can dominate any creature of the night, including most werewolves and zombies. Dracula was defeated in 19th-century England by Professor Abraham Van Helsing.
Associates: Three wives. Alucard (his son). Maria Zeleska (his daughter). Renfield (his insect-eating servant).
* FLY - Dr. Andre DeLambre, working on a way to teleport himself, accidentally merged his own body with the head of a fly.
* FRANKENSTEIN - Based on the novel by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelly, Dr. Victor Frankenstein is the quintessential mad scientist. He creates monsters from sewn-together body parts and electricity. His monsters tend to be violent and slow-witted.
Associates: The Monster (his first creation, who has greenish skin and bolts in his neck). Ygor (his conniving hunch-backed assistant). The Bride (his second creation, who has upright streaked hair, and was created as a companion for the first Monster).
* GOLEM OF PRAGUE - A man made of living stone, the Golem was created by a Rabbi using the mystical power of the Kabbalah. He reigns vengeance upon anyone who threatens the Jewish people.
* HEADLESS HORSEMAN - Based on an American folk legend, and popularized by Washington Irving, the Headless Horseman rides through the night around the town of Sleepy Hollow. He is undead after having been beheaded, and often threatens his victims by throwing jack-o-lanterns at them. His weakness is that he cannot cross over running water. He most famously terrorized Ichabod Crane in the 18th century.
* INVISIBLE MAN - Based on the story by H.G. Wells, Dr. Jack Griffin experimented on himself to make himself invisible, with the side-effect of causing him to become sociopathic.
* JEKYLL / HYDE - Based on the story by Robert Lewis Stephenson, Dr. Henry Jekyll is a split personality. After experimenting on himself, he takes on an evil and monstrous alter-ego known as Edward Hyde. In some versions of the story, he drinks or injects the drug for each transformation, while in other versions, the transformations are spontaneous.
* MUMMY (IMHOTEP) - After attempting to resurrect an Egyptian queen, Imhotep (named after the famous Egyptian architect who designed the pyramids), was killed, mummified, and later brought back to life by his own spell read by a team of 20th-century archeologists.
* MUMMY (KHARIS) - An equally popular mummy, Kharis is kept alive by the magic of tana leaves, and used by an Egyptian cult to protect the treasures of Egypt.
* PHANTOM OF THE OPERA - Based on the novel by Gaston LaRue, the Phantom (also known as Erik, or the Opera Ghost) was a deformed and abused child who grew up in the secret tunnels beneath a Paris opera house. He wears a white mask to hide his face. He is the quintessential tortured artist, obsessed with creating musical masterpieces, and killing anyone who stand in the way of his art.
Associates: The rat-catcher.
* WOLFMAN - Unlike other werewolves, Lawrence Talbot III can be brought back from the dead, even if killed by silver. He is also the only known werewolf who cannot be forced to submit to the will of Dracula.
SILVER AGE OF HORROR 1970s-1990s:
* AUDREY II - An oversized talking plant that eats humans.
* CANDYMAN - An undead serial killer who can be summoned through mirrors.
* CHUCKY - Charles Lee Ray, after being killed, used a voodoo spell to transfer his soul into the body of a talking doll.
Associates: Tiffany (his doll girlfriend). Glen (his doll son).
* DAMIEN - The son of Satan. He can manipulate people into murder or suicide.
* GHOSTFACE - Serial killer with a long white mask. He is inspired by other horror movies.
* FREDDY KRUEGER - Once a serial killer of children, using a glove with metal claws, Freddy was killed and burned by the parents of the murdered children. Now undead, Freddy has the power to kill people by integrating himself into their nightmares.
* LEATHERFACE - The most prominent member of a family of killers in Texas. Leatherface carries a chainsaw and wears a mask made from the skin of his previous victims.
* LEPRECHAUN - A not-so-cute leprechaun who will kill anyone who stands between him and his pot of gold.
* MICHAEL MYERS - A natural-born serial killer who wears a white mask. He is associated with the Cult of the Thorn. He is often silent.
* PINHEAD - Not his actual name, but a common nickname. He is the leader of the Cenobites, demons which inflict pain for pleasure. He has white skin, a leather coat, and several nails in his head.
* JASON VORHEEZ - After drowning at Crystal Lake as a child, Jason became an undead immortal. He kills everyone, but his favorite victims are sexually-active teenagers. He wears a hockey mask and carries a machete.
Associates: Pamela (his mother, who was beheaded).
* WISHMASTER - The quintessential evil genie, who grants wishes which inevitably backfire. When not granting wishes, he is trapped inside a magic gem.
GIANT MONSTERS:
* BLOB - An extraterrestrial amorphous mass which grows by consuming everything in its path.
* CTHULHU - A gigantic winged creature with an octopus-like head. He is a force of destruction summoned into this world by cults.
* GAMERA - A giant flying turtle, capable of travelling through space. He fights off other monsters, and is very protective of children.
* GODZILLA - A preserved dinosaur who was resurrected and mutated by nuclear bomb testing somewhere off the coast of Japan. He is much larger than an ordinary dinosaur, often crushing all things in his path. He lives on Monster Island, fighting off other giant monsters. His most powerful weapon is atomic breath.
Associates: Menia (his son). King Ghidorah (his arch-nemesis, a gold three-headed dragon).
* KING KONG - The "Eighth Wonder of the World," King Kong is a giant gorilla from Skull Island, who used to received human sacrifices from the tribesmen, but later travelled to New York City. He was killed, but has inexplicably appeared in other movies since.
* KRAKEN - The word "kraken" originally applied to a giant squid popular in medieval folklore, and the sea monster which destroyed the city of Argos in Greek mythology was never given a name or a description. However, to modern moviegoers, the two creatures are one and the same. It is a giant multi-limbed creature which serves the will of Zeus.
* MOTHRA - A giant moth worshipped by a tribe on a South Pacific island. They summon Mothra by singing. Mothra can create incredible windstorms by flapping her wings, or shoot jets of web.
HUMAN KILLERS (Serial killers without supernatural powers or a cool costume):
(Note: Because of the incredibly long list of real-life serial killers, I'm once again sticking with recurring movie characters.)
* NORMAN BATES - (SPOILER ALERT!) The owner of the Bates Motel, Norman went insane after killing his mother, and has since become a multiple personality, with the other personality being a homicidal version of his late mother.
* HANIBAL LECTER - A deranged psychiatrist and cannibal. He delights in taunting his adversaries.
* JACK THE RIPPER - Originally a nickname for an unidentified real-life serial killer from 18th-century London, Jack the Ripper has become a popular recurring character throughout science fiction and horror. The specifics vary widely from one production to the next.
* SWEENY TODD - A homicidal barber who kills his customers. Originally just a legendary figure who robbed his victims, but in later versions, an alias for Benjamin Barker, who sought revenge on his enemies, but got carried away killing everyone else.
Associates: Mrs. Lovett (his accomplice, who disposed of the victims' bodies by baking them into pies).
Friday, January 4, 2013
Five Most Annoying Things About Atheists
TOP FIVE MOST ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT ATHEISTS:
#5 - TOO ARGUMENTIVE: Acting as if every personal statement is a scientific proposal which requires a body of evidence to back it up. If you tell me that you had a ham sandwich today, I don't ask to see proof. Yet for some reason, whenever someone says the believe in something supernatural, even if it's just making conversation, the atheists expect the person making the claim to have provided some irrefutable scientific evidence, otherwise, the claim should not have been made. I could understand if someone entered into a philosophical debate arguing for the existence of a god, but 99% of the time, a person who mentions belief in a god isn't trying to make any type of logical argument, any more than if they'd said "looks like rain," "she's very pretty," "chocolate is my favorite," "I'm going fishing tomorrow," or "I love you." Not every person who makes a statement expects to be cross-examined.
#4 - SELF-IMPORTANT: Taking credit for scientific achievements. If you are a scientist, and have studied the mathematics of cosmology, are an expert in particle physics, have taken measurements in cosmic background radiation, have personally dug up and radio-carbon-dated fossils, made in-depth anthropological studies and cross-referenced the human genome, etc., then you are a more intelligent person than I am, and you deserve credit for your high level of knowledge. If you just blindly accept the findings of other, more knowledgeable people, then that's all well and good, but do NOT expect me to give you any credit for being "smart enough" to figure out the big bang or evolution that the "dumb" creationists can't figure out! The fact is, you probably wouldn't have figured out that the earth was round if somebody hadn't explained it to you. Another thing along the same category, is that very often I'll point out some logical fallacy put out by a fairly uneducated atheist, and some other, more educated atheist will interpret this a criticism of ALL atheists, including the highly intelligent ones. It's not. The fact that SOME atheists are really smart, doesn't alter the fact that SOME OTHERS of them are really fucking stupid.
#3 - THE BLAME GAME: Blaming religion for everything. Every atheist I've ever met has a mile-long laundry list of evil things that have happened in the world in the name of some religion. Of course, as soon as someone asks what about the good things done in the name of religion, the default counterpoint is always, "people who do good in the name of religion would have done just as much good without religion." I agree. So then why is it so unthinkable that all of the EVIL things done in the name of religion would have been exactly the same without religion? Also, they seem to conveniently forget that most of the world's most brutal communist dictators were also atheist. Apparently, every evil atheist is the "exception" to the rule of atheists being good, but every good religious person is the "exception" to the rule of religious people being evil. The double-standard just makes it way too easy.
#2 - DOUCHEBAGS: Being incredibly rude. It's part of our cultural mythology that religious people are always "pushing" their religion on everyone else, and non-religious people never do this. Of course, this is only a myth. In fact, only once in my life did someone try to convince me that there was a god, and both times, only briefly and very politely. This is INCLUDING three occurrences of a Jehovah's Witness stopping by my door for a minute or two, being very polite, and not really trying to "convert" me so much as make themselves available should I require them, AND many years of going to a Catholic school, in which religious instruction seemed to be based around "we believe," as opposed to "you should believe." However, in the case of people trying to convince me that there is NOT a god, I honestly cannot count the number of times that some atheist has shifted the conversation toward the nonexistence of gods, gone onto a lengthy rhetoric explaining why there is not a god, and being generally dickish toward anyone who disagrees, whether the disagreeing party is present or not.
#1 - FALSE DICHOTOMY: Assuming that Fundamentalist Christianity is the only religion in existence. I have heard the nonexistence of "god" argued a thousand different ways, all based on a literal interpretation of Christian scripture. Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist, Shinto or Aboriginal gods are just dismissed as if they were never being seriously considered by anyone in the first place. Furthermore, the majority of Christians who take the Bible metaphorically, are often regarded as some sort of fence-sitting fringe group, while the minority who take every word literally (and are, by the way, a very recent cultural development in comparison with the non-literalists) are looked at as if they were the default setting for all religions. To talk to these people, you would think that everyone was raised to believe every word of the Christian Bible literally, and we've now divided into those who have grown out of this nonsense (throwing out ALL of religion, as opposed to just the parts that didn't work), and those who have not (i.e. the willfully ignorant).
#5 - TOO ARGUMENTIVE: Acting as if every personal statement is a scientific proposal which requires a body of evidence to back it up. If you tell me that you had a ham sandwich today, I don't ask to see proof. Yet for some reason, whenever someone says the believe in something supernatural, even if it's just making conversation, the atheists expect the person making the claim to have provided some irrefutable scientific evidence, otherwise, the claim should not have been made. I could understand if someone entered into a philosophical debate arguing for the existence of a god, but 99% of the time, a person who mentions belief in a god isn't trying to make any type of logical argument, any more than if they'd said "looks like rain," "she's very pretty," "chocolate is my favorite," "I'm going fishing tomorrow," or "I love you." Not every person who makes a statement expects to be cross-examined.
#4 - SELF-IMPORTANT: Taking credit for scientific achievements. If you are a scientist, and have studied the mathematics of cosmology, are an expert in particle physics, have taken measurements in cosmic background radiation, have personally dug up and radio-carbon-dated fossils, made in-depth anthropological studies and cross-referenced the human genome, etc., then you are a more intelligent person than I am, and you deserve credit for your high level of knowledge. If you just blindly accept the findings of other, more knowledgeable people, then that's all well and good, but do NOT expect me to give you any credit for being "smart enough" to figure out the big bang or evolution that the "dumb" creationists can't figure out! The fact is, you probably wouldn't have figured out that the earth was round if somebody hadn't explained it to you. Another thing along the same category, is that very often I'll point out some logical fallacy put out by a fairly uneducated atheist, and some other, more educated atheist will interpret this a criticism of ALL atheists, including the highly intelligent ones. It's not. The fact that SOME atheists are really smart, doesn't alter the fact that SOME OTHERS of them are really fucking stupid.
#3 - THE BLAME GAME: Blaming religion for everything. Every atheist I've ever met has a mile-long laundry list of evil things that have happened in the world in the name of some religion. Of course, as soon as someone asks what about the good things done in the name of religion, the default counterpoint is always, "people who do good in the name of religion would have done just as much good without religion." I agree. So then why is it so unthinkable that all of the EVIL things done in the name of religion would have been exactly the same without religion? Also, they seem to conveniently forget that most of the world's most brutal communist dictators were also atheist. Apparently, every evil atheist is the "exception" to the rule of atheists being good, but every good religious person is the "exception" to the rule of religious people being evil. The double-standard just makes it way too easy.
#2 - DOUCHEBAGS: Being incredibly rude. It's part of our cultural mythology that religious people are always "pushing" their religion on everyone else, and non-religious people never do this. Of course, this is only a myth. In fact, only once in my life did someone try to convince me that there was a god, and both times, only briefly and very politely. This is INCLUDING three occurrences of a Jehovah's Witness stopping by my door for a minute or two, being very polite, and not really trying to "convert" me so much as make themselves available should I require them, AND many years of going to a Catholic school, in which religious instruction seemed to be based around "we believe," as opposed to "you should believe." However, in the case of people trying to convince me that there is NOT a god, I honestly cannot count the number of times that some atheist has shifted the conversation toward the nonexistence of gods, gone onto a lengthy rhetoric explaining why there is not a god, and being generally dickish toward anyone who disagrees, whether the disagreeing party is present or not.
#1 - FALSE DICHOTOMY: Assuming that Fundamentalist Christianity is the only religion in existence. I have heard the nonexistence of "god" argued a thousand different ways, all based on a literal interpretation of Christian scripture. Hindu, Pagan, Buddhist, Shinto or Aboriginal gods are just dismissed as if they were never being seriously considered by anyone in the first place. Furthermore, the majority of Christians who take the Bible metaphorically, are often regarded as some sort of fence-sitting fringe group, while the minority who take every word literally (and are, by the way, a very recent cultural development in comparison with the non-literalists) are looked at as if they were the default setting for all religions. To talk to these people, you would think that everyone was raised to believe every word of the Christian Bible literally, and we've now divided into those who have grown out of this nonsense (throwing out ALL of religion, as opposed to just the parts that didn't work), and those who have not (i.e. the willfully ignorant).
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Christmas Poem
A CHRISTMAS POEM
By Shawn Ravenfire
Everyone’s house looked like an episode of hoarders.
Boxes upon boxes of decorations of the season,
Ugly and worn, but kept for sentimental reasons.
The town park is filled with lights red and green,
While Atheists bitch and moan about the nativity scene.
The sun shone down on the slushy gray snows,
While hipsters put up their aluminum Festivus poles.
People drunk at a party, where the spirit is felt,
And the office comedian hangs mistletoe from his belt.
Some disaffected teens avoid having fun,
And all prepare for the coming bad Boxing Day puns.
The Hanukkah lights are quite non-traditional,
And holiday stress is just plain unbearable.
The local TV station thinks they’re so cool,
Because they said Happy Kwanzaa, but forgot about Yule.
The Wiccans all ready to celebrate the solstice,
Can’t find a ritual, so it goes by unnoticed.
The cast of Fox News say Christmas is for brats,
Because Jesus is missing. They blame Democrats.
“Save money,” say the experts, “the recession is growing.”
They forget that spending money is what keeps the economy going.
The news reports say there’s an increase in crime.
Change the channel, and watch “A Christmas Story,” for the one millionth time.
Everywhere, people fly home for December,
To make small talk with cousins they barely remember.
The family gathers around, and wonders at the mistake
It was to think anyone would like a fruitcake.
Opening presents is always a treat.
You’re especially thankful they kept the receipt.
A debate breaks out over which actor to choose
As the best ever portrayer of Ebineezer Scrooge.
Folks plan their New Year’s resolutions to make,
That after barely a week, they’re all sure to break.
But the worst tradition of all, that makes us so unhappy
Is that every radio station plays music that’s crappy.
Like bad twelve-days of Christmas parody songs,
Using ethnic stereotypes that are just plain wrong.
Children’s songs sung by adults trying to sound serious,
And Christian hymns so slow and dull, it just makes you furious.
Songs you think you know, but only the first verses,
Songs that are so repetitive, they make you say curses,
And the most depressing song that is sure to give the blues,
Is that horrible, god-awful song Christmas Shoes.
The Christmas season lasts longer each year without fail,
From the day after Halloween to Christmas in July sales.
It’s a pain in the ass, but on that special day,
Despite all its faults, we have a good time anyway.
So I say “Happy Holidays” to one and all,
And if you don’t like it, there’s always alcohol.Saturday, December 8, 2012
First World Problems
People tend to complain about a lot of things. People will find a reason to complain about anything and everything. Lately, however, in a sort of ultimate paradox, people are now complaining about people complaining! I seem to be hearing a lot of people these days bitching and whining about how they don't like that other people are bitching and whining. Sometimes, this takes a spiritual or metaphysical aspect, as in creating "negative energy" in the universe. Other times, this takes a more practical "his attitude is bringing me down" aspect. The most annoying variation on this, however, is this idea of "first world problems," that if you live in a first-world country, then any "problem" you have is not really a problem, and we should all just shut up about our lives. I take issue with this. Yes, that's right, this blog is me complaining about people complaining about people complaining. Deal with it. Anyway, in defense of first-world complaints, here are the reasons why this "first-world problem" concept is bullshit:
1. Not everyone who lives in a first world country is rich. Living in the United States (which is the specific "first world" country that we were all thinking of anyway) does not mean that your life is better than anyone else's. It just means that you live in closer geographical proximity to people whose lives are better. Being poor in America is no better than being poor in any other country. It's not as if we can all live off of the money that accidentally falls out of rich people's pockets as they walk down the street. (I compare this to the easily disprovable theory that poor white people are somehow better off than black people.)
2. People are either happy or unhappy based on a particular moment. If I stub my toe, I react to the pain in that moment. I don't integrate the experience into an overall analysis of the value of my life as a whole. So if a rich person stubs his toe, he's going to be just as pissed off as a poor person who stubs his toe. Why? Because it hurts just the same.
3. Everyone always says "money won't buy happiness." Is this something we say to make poor people feel better, but don't actually believe it? I think this is a phrase we should take more seriously. Whenever we have our health and lots of friends, but don't have any luxury, we always say that we have "the things that matter." Well, what if you have lots of money, but don't have any of the "things that matter," such as health, friends, love, freedom, etc.? Do we suddenly think that all THOSE things aren't important? Or do we just assume that if you have expensive things, the free things must have already arrived? Hardly likely, when you consider the fact that necessities generally cost more money than luxuries. Food, shelter, medicine and transportation are WAY expensive, but companies are giving away cell phones for FREE!
4. People say, "What right do you have to complain?" Well, we've got EVERY right to complain, according to almost every legal document written in the last 200+ years. Even if, theoretically, we weren't allowed to be unhappy because there were people poorer than ourselves, would this logic work in reverse? Do I have a right to be happy, even though there are people richer than I am?
5. The quest in life should be for perfection. This doesn't mean that we should be unhappy unless our lives are perfect. It just means that we should be constantly trying to improve our lives and the lives of the people around us. We didn't get to be where we are today by settling for just "good enough." We strived for better, and in order to strive for better, we have to acknowledge where our lives have room for improvement.
6. Actual poor people don't give a shit. If some child of wealthy parents isn't happy with his new iPad, do you really think that the starving children of Africa are being upset by this? I think they'd rather have food than have the knowledge that some kid they've never met thousands of miles away is "being appreciative" of how privileged he is. Besides, what's the alternative? Should the rich white kid give up everything, go out and live on the streets, and start physically torturing himself to "even things out?" Of course not, because the starving children would still be starving, and wouldn't feel half an ounce better about the situation. Resenting rich people is not what poor people do. Resenting rich people is what upper-middle-class people do to make themselves feel more worldly and morally-superior without actually having to do anything productive.
7. This problem comes with an expiration date. Those starving countries are getting better all the time. World hunger and poverty is lower than it has ever been in human history. More countries have more freedoms than ever in history. It's just going to keep getting better an better. What's the future going to be like? Are we going to be guilt-tripping people in first-world countries who aren't happy with their teleporters because 1% of the people in third-world countries have the hardship of not getting very good cell phone reception? Imagine a future in which EVERYONE has not only the basic necessities of life, the freedom of self-determination, AND approximately the same amount of luxury. What then? Will it be horrible, because we'll have no one left to point at and say, "at least we don't have it as bad as those people?"
Okay, that's my little rant. Now all the people who disagree, go ahead and complain about my complaining about people complaining about people complaining.
1. Not everyone who lives in a first world country is rich. Living in the United States (which is the specific "first world" country that we were all thinking of anyway) does not mean that your life is better than anyone else's. It just means that you live in closer geographical proximity to people whose lives are better. Being poor in America is no better than being poor in any other country. It's not as if we can all live off of the money that accidentally falls out of rich people's pockets as they walk down the street. (I compare this to the easily disprovable theory that poor white people are somehow better off than black people.)
2. People are either happy or unhappy based on a particular moment. If I stub my toe, I react to the pain in that moment. I don't integrate the experience into an overall analysis of the value of my life as a whole. So if a rich person stubs his toe, he's going to be just as pissed off as a poor person who stubs his toe. Why? Because it hurts just the same.
3. Everyone always says "money won't buy happiness." Is this something we say to make poor people feel better, but don't actually believe it? I think this is a phrase we should take more seriously. Whenever we have our health and lots of friends, but don't have any luxury, we always say that we have "the things that matter." Well, what if you have lots of money, but don't have any of the "things that matter," such as health, friends, love, freedom, etc.? Do we suddenly think that all THOSE things aren't important? Or do we just assume that if you have expensive things, the free things must have already arrived? Hardly likely, when you consider the fact that necessities generally cost more money than luxuries. Food, shelter, medicine and transportation are WAY expensive, but companies are giving away cell phones for FREE!
4. People say, "What right do you have to complain?" Well, we've got EVERY right to complain, according to almost every legal document written in the last 200+ years. Even if, theoretically, we weren't allowed to be unhappy because there were people poorer than ourselves, would this logic work in reverse? Do I have a right to be happy, even though there are people richer than I am?
5. The quest in life should be for perfection. This doesn't mean that we should be unhappy unless our lives are perfect. It just means that we should be constantly trying to improve our lives and the lives of the people around us. We didn't get to be where we are today by settling for just "good enough." We strived for better, and in order to strive for better, we have to acknowledge where our lives have room for improvement.
6. Actual poor people don't give a shit. If some child of wealthy parents isn't happy with his new iPad, do you really think that the starving children of Africa are being upset by this? I think they'd rather have food than have the knowledge that some kid they've never met thousands of miles away is "being appreciative" of how privileged he is. Besides, what's the alternative? Should the rich white kid give up everything, go out and live on the streets, and start physically torturing himself to "even things out?" Of course not, because the starving children would still be starving, and wouldn't feel half an ounce better about the situation. Resenting rich people is not what poor people do. Resenting rich people is what upper-middle-class people do to make themselves feel more worldly and morally-superior without actually having to do anything productive.
7. This problem comes with an expiration date. Those starving countries are getting better all the time. World hunger and poverty is lower than it has ever been in human history. More countries have more freedoms than ever in history. It's just going to keep getting better an better. What's the future going to be like? Are we going to be guilt-tripping people in first-world countries who aren't happy with their teleporters because 1% of the people in third-world countries have the hardship of not getting very good cell phone reception? Imagine a future in which EVERYONE has not only the basic necessities of life, the freedom of self-determination, AND approximately the same amount of luxury. What then? Will it be horrible, because we'll have no one left to point at and say, "at least we don't have it as bad as those people?"
Okay, that's my little rant. Now all the people who disagree, go ahead and complain about my complaining about people complaining about people complaining.
Saturday, November 24, 2012
Worst TV and Movie Character Cliches
Top Twenty Worst Character Cliches:
I really don't mind most movie cliches. I love a good car chase that completely defies all the laws of physics. Movies would be boring as hell if they were realistic. What I do mind, however, is when the characters act in a completely unnatural manner, doing inexplicable things without even a hint of a motive other than "that's what people do in a movie." So here are my top twenty most irritating movie-and-television cliches to do with character development.
#20 - EXPLORE THE NEW HOUSE - Whenever a person or family moves into a new house, the first thing they do is go around and check out all the rooms, figuring out what rooms are going to be used for what purposes, and trying to figure out why there's a mysterious monster living in the basement. I really don't know anyone who doesn't do this BEFORE they buy the house. Did they just sign the lease without seeing it first? Who does that?
#19 - NO ONE IS ANNOYED BY THE ZANY GUY - You see this in teen comedies, commercials for shampoo, and especially animated Disney movies. There's one character whose idea of being funny is bouncing around and spurting out nonsequiter catch-phrases. Okay, we've seen people like this in real life. What makes these movies unrealistic is that no one punches this guy in the face, or even gives him so much as a puzzled look. They all just act as if he's acting normally. He's not normal. He's an ass.
#18 - BURY THE TREASURE AND HIDE THE MAP - Any time there's a pirate treasure or some ancient mystical artifact, there's always a map showing its location, written in some cryptic way with challenges and riddles. I always have to wonder about the people who hid the treasure and made the map. Why did they bury the treasure instead of just keeping it or spending it? Why did they make the traps so elaborate? And why the fuck did they explain where to find it in the form of riddles? If they wanted you to find it, they'd have told you outright, and if they didn't want you to find it, they wouldn't give you a clue.
#17 - NERDS AND FOREIGNERS TALK IN OPPOSITES - "Hey, chill in!" "You mean chill out?" Seriously, who are these people who *almost* know all of the cool words, but get them slightly wrong? Most of the time, unhip people are going to get the phrases right, but screw up on the context.
#16 - SEX WITH A VIRGIN - Every time a virgin has sex for the first time, they're AMAZING in bed! Usually we see the girl looking over at the boy after sex and saying something like "wow, that was the most incredible sex I've ever had," and actually meaning it! How does this work exactly? How does not having sex make you better at sex? It makes no fucking sense (literally).
#15 - VICTIMS THINK THE KILLER IS A FRIEND PLAYING A JOKE - If I'm ever out in the woods, and I hear leaves rustling around, I'm probably going to assume it's a squirrel or something. You know why? Because woods are full of squirrels. None of my friends would ever try to scare me this way, because it would suck as a joke. In movies, however, when the killer is stalking the victim, the victim always has to give this speech: "I know it's you playing a joke on me, so you can just come on out... Come on, this isn't funny, and I'm not going to get scared." Well, they're right about it not being funny, at least.
#14 - NO ONE IN THE FUTURE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRESENT - It seems that every sci-fi show set in the future does this. (Star Trek is the reigning champion of this cliche.) The future people encounter some strange thing from our time, such as a car, rock-and-roll or a slang word. They are completely baffled by it at first, then either comically misinterpret its purpose, or have to refer to their computer files on ancient history. Sometimes, they'll even throw in some disparaging comment about how primitive or idiotic this thing is. Yet, if they encounter something from the 22nd century or the 18th century, they immediately know everything about it -- a tribute to the wonderful education system of the future.
#13 - NO ONE PROFITS FROM SUPER TECHNOLOGY - If I ever invented antigravity, invisibility, teleportation, artificial intelligence or a laser gun, I'd probably want to get a patent on this technology, start up a company, and make myself rich. Not movie people, though. Instead, they keep it for their own personal use, either as a superhero or a supervillain. What kind of an idiot invents an invisibility cloak and uses it to rob banks? The cloak is worth more than everything in the bank, and no one is going to thwart your evil plan.
#12 - BAD GUYS ARE TOO HAPPY ABOUT BEING BAD - Some nefarious villain wants to steal money or take revenge against the hero or rule the world or maybe just get away with cheating on his fiance. So does he rationalize his position or justify his actions? Does he feel guilty? Does he feel that he's entitled? Nope. He just laughs with glee about how evil he is. This is especially noticeable with hunters. Maybe I think hunting is bad, but hunters don't think hunting is bad, so why do all the hunters in movies act so evil?
#11 - LOOK OUT, IT'S A PERVERT - This was a popular plot device in the 90s, but we still occasionally see it today. A man wants to talk to a woman about something that is actually important, but she immediately get's this look on her face that says, "Oh, not ANOTHER rapist. Where's my mace? This is getting so mildly annoying." Who are these women?
#10 - RACISM IS ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY - Generally, if you're a racist, you're going to keep your opinions mostly to yourself, or at least, express them in that subtle "I don't want to sound like a racist, but..." sort of way. In movies, however, you can be as blunt and over-the-top as you want about how much we won't tolerate their kind around here. Instead of being met with ostracism from the community, this white-people solidaridy appears, the likes of which have not been seen in the real world since the 50s.
#9 - THE SUPERHUMAN ENCOUNTERS THE FIRST ENEMY - Any superhero, alien, werewolf, or whatever, immediately has a chance encounter with a mugger, a rapist or a gang of rednecks looking to start a fight. This is an improbable, albeit effective way to establish the physical prowess of the main character. What makes this completely ridiculous is the way the first criminal is treated as a minor inconvenience, maybe getting a quick punch in the nose to teach him a lesson. Later, the hero has a battle royalle with some drug dealer or evil sorcerer. That's fine, but whatever happened to the serial rapists? Are their crimes so minor that we can just forget about them? Is a drug-dealer really that much worse of a criminal? Seriously, how can the hero waste his time with cocaine sellers when there's fucking rape gangs wandering the streets?!
#8 - I TRIED TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN - It seems that some characters in movies don't even try to get their message across. They just mumble about some vague cryptic nonsense, leaving out all the actual important information, and somehow, it's the other person's fault for "not listening." Sometimes, for comedic effect, a character will tell a story leaving out vital details to make it sound unrealistic, so that the person listening won't believe the story. To me, that's just a big leap in motovation for such a small gag.
#7 - YOU'RE A GIRL?!!! - This was a running gag throughout much of the 70s, 80s and early 90s, but you still see it occasionally today. A person is seen from the back, wearing a large hat or maybe a motorcycle helmet. It MUST be a man, right? Then she takes the hat off, to reveal long hair! The man is completely shocked by this, as if he'd just seen a unicorn. What were the odds, like 50-50 or something? (Also, keep in mind that during this time period, most of the men had long hair anyway.)
#6 - WOMEN ARE BUZZKILLS - Women have almost always been typecast in the role of straight-man. This is especially true in sketch comedies and sit-coms. When it comes to TV commercials, however, women have advanced beyond simply being the foil for the man's comedy, but to actually being a total bitch with no sense of humor or fun, whose sole purpose in life is to roll their eyes at the stupidity that is men.
#5 - THIS RELATIONSHIP CAN NEVER BE - This is most noticeable in the first two acts of a romantic comedy, or in one of those sit-coms that borders on being a soap opera. Two single and available people clearly have the hots for each other, but for some inexplicable reason, they "can't do this." Don't you think that at some point, one of them would have asked the other one why? Instead, they just drag out the tension to where it becomes absurd.
#4 - THE CORPORATE VILLAIN - It stands to reason that the rich powerful corporate guys are more interested in making a profit for themselves than they are in caring for their fellow man. (Never mind that most billionaires have their own charities.) Often, however, these movie villains seem to do evil things like creating zombie-like monsters or building doomsday weapons with no idea how exactly this is going to turn them a profit. Very often, they'll market some deadly product which is going to kill everyone who uses it, but they try to keep the secret because it would hurt sales. Am I supposed to believe that anyone who at some point in his life took a business course, doesn't know that making a product that ruins peoples lives will actually HURT profits? FDA prosecution, customer refunds, class-action lawsuits, manslaughter charges, crashing stock values, loss of customer confidence, no repeat customers... None of this has occurred to them.
#3 - CHEATING TO WIN - One of the big cliches in teen comedies is the big game between the popular bad guy and the unpopular good guy. How do they win? Both sides cheat. Not only do they cheat, but they don't even hide the fact that they're cheating. Inexplicably, the referees don't do anything but present the trophy at the end, and all these bad guys who didn't play fair this whole time, are willing to honor the terms of the pre-game wager. This is very selective dishonesty.
#2 - THE SCHOOL BULLY - The most popular kid in school has to defend his title, and therefore has to "fix" his rival. Is his rival the second-most popular kid? The third? The fourth? No, it's the social outcast that nobody likes. It's as if the entire pecking order was reduced to just these two people, while every other kid in the school is just there as a prop, ready to cheer on whoever is winning, without ever questioning their own role as humanoid background scenery. This contrived rivalry between most and least popular is also present in sports movies, where the champions somehow form a vicious rivalry with the lowest underdogs, with both sides completely ignoring every other team. Whether it's sports or popularity, it's always the asshole on top versus the nice guy on bottom, and nobody else matters.
#1 - UNNECESSARY SECRETS - Your wife is a witch, your girlfriend is a genie, your daughter is an android, your uncle is a martian, and your horse can talk. Who do you tell? Nobody, according to sit-com logic. I can understand keeping it from the general public, but why keep it from friends, family and wacky neighbors? Movies have their pointless secrets too, but in movies, it's usually the government that wants to cover everything up, regardless of whether or not it's a matter affecting national security in any way. Apparently, governments manufacture cover stories as a sort of involuntary reflex. Another big pet peeve is when police detectives don't want the chief of police to find out that they're doing their jobs. He stumbles onto a vital piece of evidence, and then HIDES the evidence, then talks to the very same person in the crime lab who the evidence would have been sent to anyway, and asks him to, as a personal favor, examine the evidence. The lab tech has to say, "I could get in so much trouble for this." What trouble?! Of course, the worst offenders here are the superheros. If I ever suddenly gained super powers, my first instinct would be to tell someone, post it on Twitter, or maybe go to the doctor, not start making up excuses to cover up my "terrible secret." (Later, when it's time to fight crime, they dress in a silly costume, usually based on an animal. Supposedly, this is to inspire fear, but personally, I'd probably just laugh. To be honest, I find a suit and tie much more indimidating.) Even when the villain finds out the hero's secret identity, he STILL doesn't want to tell his friends, family and love interest, even though they're now in mortal danger for not knowing.
Honorable Mention: PRODUCT PLACEMENT - I realize that product placement is important in helping to pay for all those cool explosions I like to see. I understand that. It just takes me out of the movie when the characters start talking about how great the product is in such an unnatural fashion. Still, this is not a result of lazy writing, just of economics, which is why it only receives an "honorable mention" as opposed to a true writing cliche.
I really don't mind most movie cliches. I love a good car chase that completely defies all the laws of physics. Movies would be boring as hell if they were realistic. What I do mind, however, is when the characters act in a completely unnatural manner, doing inexplicable things without even a hint of a motive other than "that's what people do in a movie." So here are my top twenty most irritating movie-and-television cliches to do with character development.
#20 - EXPLORE THE NEW HOUSE - Whenever a person or family moves into a new house, the first thing they do is go around and check out all the rooms, figuring out what rooms are going to be used for what purposes, and trying to figure out why there's a mysterious monster living in the basement. I really don't know anyone who doesn't do this BEFORE they buy the house. Did they just sign the lease without seeing it first? Who does that?
#19 - NO ONE IS ANNOYED BY THE ZANY GUY - You see this in teen comedies, commercials for shampoo, and especially animated Disney movies. There's one character whose idea of being funny is bouncing around and spurting out nonsequiter catch-phrases. Okay, we've seen people like this in real life. What makes these movies unrealistic is that no one punches this guy in the face, or even gives him so much as a puzzled look. They all just act as if he's acting normally. He's not normal. He's an ass.
#18 - BURY THE TREASURE AND HIDE THE MAP - Any time there's a pirate treasure or some ancient mystical artifact, there's always a map showing its location, written in some cryptic way with challenges and riddles. I always have to wonder about the people who hid the treasure and made the map. Why did they bury the treasure instead of just keeping it or spending it? Why did they make the traps so elaborate? And why the fuck did they explain where to find it in the form of riddles? If they wanted you to find it, they'd have told you outright, and if they didn't want you to find it, they wouldn't give you a clue.
#17 - NERDS AND FOREIGNERS TALK IN OPPOSITES - "Hey, chill in!" "You mean chill out?" Seriously, who are these people who *almost* know all of the cool words, but get them slightly wrong? Most of the time, unhip people are going to get the phrases right, but screw up on the context.
#16 - SEX WITH A VIRGIN - Every time a virgin has sex for the first time, they're AMAZING in bed! Usually we see the girl looking over at the boy after sex and saying something like "wow, that was the most incredible sex I've ever had," and actually meaning it! How does this work exactly? How does not having sex make you better at sex? It makes no fucking sense (literally).
#15 - VICTIMS THINK THE KILLER IS A FRIEND PLAYING A JOKE - If I'm ever out in the woods, and I hear leaves rustling around, I'm probably going to assume it's a squirrel or something. You know why? Because woods are full of squirrels. None of my friends would ever try to scare me this way, because it would suck as a joke. In movies, however, when the killer is stalking the victim, the victim always has to give this speech: "I know it's you playing a joke on me, so you can just come on out... Come on, this isn't funny, and I'm not going to get scared." Well, they're right about it not being funny, at least.
#14 - NO ONE IN THE FUTURE KNOWS ANYTHING ABOUT THE PRESENT - It seems that every sci-fi show set in the future does this. (Star Trek is the reigning champion of this cliche.) The future people encounter some strange thing from our time, such as a car, rock-and-roll or a slang word. They are completely baffled by it at first, then either comically misinterpret its purpose, or have to refer to their computer files on ancient history. Sometimes, they'll even throw in some disparaging comment about how primitive or idiotic this thing is. Yet, if they encounter something from the 22nd century or the 18th century, they immediately know everything about it -- a tribute to the wonderful education system of the future.
#13 - NO ONE PROFITS FROM SUPER TECHNOLOGY - If I ever invented antigravity, invisibility, teleportation, artificial intelligence or a laser gun, I'd probably want to get a patent on this technology, start up a company, and make myself rich. Not movie people, though. Instead, they keep it for their own personal use, either as a superhero or a supervillain. What kind of an idiot invents an invisibility cloak and uses it to rob banks? The cloak is worth more than everything in the bank, and no one is going to thwart your evil plan.
#12 - BAD GUYS ARE TOO HAPPY ABOUT BEING BAD - Some nefarious villain wants to steal money or take revenge against the hero or rule the world or maybe just get away with cheating on his fiance. So does he rationalize his position or justify his actions? Does he feel guilty? Does he feel that he's entitled? Nope. He just laughs with glee about how evil he is. This is especially noticeable with hunters. Maybe I think hunting is bad, but hunters don't think hunting is bad, so why do all the hunters in movies act so evil?
#11 - LOOK OUT, IT'S A PERVERT - This was a popular plot device in the 90s, but we still occasionally see it today. A man wants to talk to a woman about something that is actually important, but she immediately get's this look on her face that says, "Oh, not ANOTHER rapist. Where's my mace? This is getting so mildly annoying." Who are these women?
#10 - RACISM IS ACCEPTED IN SOCIETY - Generally, if you're a racist, you're going to keep your opinions mostly to yourself, or at least, express them in that subtle "I don't want to sound like a racist, but..." sort of way. In movies, however, you can be as blunt and over-the-top as you want about how much we won't tolerate their kind around here. Instead of being met with ostracism from the community, this white-people solidaridy appears, the likes of which have not been seen in the real world since the 50s.
#9 - THE SUPERHUMAN ENCOUNTERS THE FIRST ENEMY - Any superhero, alien, werewolf, or whatever, immediately has a chance encounter with a mugger, a rapist or a gang of rednecks looking to start a fight. This is an improbable, albeit effective way to establish the physical prowess of the main character. What makes this completely ridiculous is the way the first criminal is treated as a minor inconvenience, maybe getting a quick punch in the nose to teach him a lesson. Later, the hero has a battle royalle with some drug dealer or evil sorcerer. That's fine, but whatever happened to the serial rapists? Are their crimes so minor that we can just forget about them? Is a drug-dealer really that much worse of a criminal? Seriously, how can the hero waste his time with cocaine sellers when there's fucking rape gangs wandering the streets?!
#8 - I TRIED TO TELL YOU, BUT YOU WOULDN'T LISTEN - It seems that some characters in movies don't even try to get their message across. They just mumble about some vague cryptic nonsense, leaving out all the actual important information, and somehow, it's the other person's fault for "not listening." Sometimes, for comedic effect, a character will tell a story leaving out vital details to make it sound unrealistic, so that the person listening won't believe the story. To me, that's just a big leap in motovation for such a small gag.
#7 - YOU'RE A GIRL?!!! - This was a running gag throughout much of the 70s, 80s and early 90s, but you still see it occasionally today. A person is seen from the back, wearing a large hat or maybe a motorcycle helmet. It MUST be a man, right? Then she takes the hat off, to reveal long hair! The man is completely shocked by this, as if he'd just seen a unicorn. What were the odds, like 50-50 or something? (Also, keep in mind that during this time period, most of the men had long hair anyway.)
#6 - WOMEN ARE BUZZKILLS - Women have almost always been typecast in the role of straight-man. This is especially true in sketch comedies and sit-coms. When it comes to TV commercials, however, women have advanced beyond simply being the foil for the man's comedy, but to actually being a total bitch with no sense of humor or fun, whose sole purpose in life is to roll their eyes at the stupidity that is men.
#5 - THIS RELATIONSHIP CAN NEVER BE - This is most noticeable in the first two acts of a romantic comedy, or in one of those sit-coms that borders on being a soap opera. Two single and available people clearly have the hots for each other, but for some inexplicable reason, they "can't do this." Don't you think that at some point, one of them would have asked the other one why? Instead, they just drag out the tension to where it becomes absurd.
#4 - THE CORPORATE VILLAIN - It stands to reason that the rich powerful corporate guys are more interested in making a profit for themselves than they are in caring for their fellow man. (Never mind that most billionaires have their own charities.) Often, however, these movie villains seem to do evil things like creating zombie-like monsters or building doomsday weapons with no idea how exactly this is going to turn them a profit. Very often, they'll market some deadly product which is going to kill everyone who uses it, but they try to keep the secret because it would hurt sales. Am I supposed to believe that anyone who at some point in his life took a business course, doesn't know that making a product that ruins peoples lives will actually HURT profits? FDA prosecution, customer refunds, class-action lawsuits, manslaughter charges, crashing stock values, loss of customer confidence, no repeat customers... None of this has occurred to them.
#3 - CHEATING TO WIN - One of the big cliches in teen comedies is the big game between the popular bad guy and the unpopular good guy. How do they win? Both sides cheat. Not only do they cheat, but they don't even hide the fact that they're cheating. Inexplicably, the referees don't do anything but present the trophy at the end, and all these bad guys who didn't play fair this whole time, are willing to honor the terms of the pre-game wager. This is very selective dishonesty.
#2 - THE SCHOOL BULLY - The most popular kid in school has to defend his title, and therefore has to "fix" his rival. Is his rival the second-most popular kid? The third? The fourth? No, it's the social outcast that nobody likes. It's as if the entire pecking order was reduced to just these two people, while every other kid in the school is just there as a prop, ready to cheer on whoever is winning, without ever questioning their own role as humanoid background scenery. This contrived rivalry between most and least popular is also present in sports movies, where the champions somehow form a vicious rivalry with the lowest underdogs, with both sides completely ignoring every other team. Whether it's sports or popularity, it's always the asshole on top versus the nice guy on bottom, and nobody else matters.
#1 - UNNECESSARY SECRETS - Your wife is a witch, your girlfriend is a genie, your daughter is an android, your uncle is a martian, and your horse can talk. Who do you tell? Nobody, according to sit-com logic. I can understand keeping it from the general public, but why keep it from friends, family and wacky neighbors? Movies have their pointless secrets too, but in movies, it's usually the government that wants to cover everything up, regardless of whether or not it's a matter affecting national security in any way. Apparently, governments manufacture cover stories as a sort of involuntary reflex. Another big pet peeve is when police detectives don't want the chief of police to find out that they're doing their jobs. He stumbles onto a vital piece of evidence, and then HIDES the evidence, then talks to the very same person in the crime lab who the evidence would have been sent to anyway, and asks him to, as a personal favor, examine the evidence. The lab tech has to say, "I could get in so much trouble for this." What trouble?! Of course, the worst offenders here are the superheros. If I ever suddenly gained super powers, my first instinct would be to tell someone, post it on Twitter, or maybe go to the doctor, not start making up excuses to cover up my "terrible secret." (Later, when it's time to fight crime, they dress in a silly costume, usually based on an animal. Supposedly, this is to inspire fear, but personally, I'd probably just laugh. To be honest, I find a suit and tie much more indimidating.) Even when the villain finds out the hero's secret identity, he STILL doesn't want to tell his friends, family and love interest, even though they're now in mortal danger for not knowing.
Honorable Mention: PRODUCT PLACEMENT - I realize that product placement is important in helping to pay for all those cool explosions I like to see. I understand that. It just takes me out of the movie when the characters start talking about how great the product is in such an unnatural fashion. Still, this is not a result of lazy writing, just of economics, which is why it only receives an "honorable mention" as opposed to a true writing cliche.
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