I think it's safe to say that all of the fashion magazines for women are either written by flamboyantly gay European men or women who have been living in the fashion world so long, that their brains have turned to plastic. The irony is that most of the articles in these magazines (or magazine-type shows and websites, because who reads paper magazines anymore) seem to be implying that the goal is to be more attractive to heterosexual men. Yes, some magazines do offer "a man's point of view," but these articles are almost entirely written by women or by men being told what to say by the women in charge of the magazine. (And no, that's not conjecture. It's a fact. I saw it on "Penn & Teller's Bullshit.")
Anyway, it got me to thinking... What if straight men wrote for women's magazines, and told women, right out, what it is that we want? So here is my idea of a women's fashion magazine written by a straight man:
THE HOT NEW CLOTHING FASHIONS FOR THIS YEAR: What's wrong with the clothes you wore last year? Really, what you've got on now looks fine.
HOTTEST NEW SHOE FASHIONS: It doesn't matter. We never notice your shoes. The only guys who pay attention to women's shoes are fetishists, and unless you're a fellow freak, you're probably better off avoiding those guys. Just wear whatever you want. (But if you choose to wear high heels, don't come compaining to me later that your feet hurt, because it's your own damn fault.)
DIETING TIPS: Don't bother. You get cranky and irritable when you're hungry. Plus, if you go on a diet, then you'll probably expect me to go on a diet too. Besides, chocolate is an aphrodisiac, and fatty foods make your tits and ass bigger. Eat more junk food.
HOW TO GET THE PERFECT BODY: There isn't one. Some guys like skinny women, some guys like fat women, some guys like muscular women, but the majority of guys like average-looking women. (Surprised? Don't be. That's how it got to be the average in the first place.) I don't know anyone, though, who is attracted to a skeleton, so as long as you're not starving, you should be okay.
SEX TIPS: Here's how you can drive your man wild in the bedroom. Show up. Honestly, we're just glad that you're a part of this. Of course, if want to do something really wild for those special occasions, just ask your man to go through his mental rolodex of crazy ideas he got from porno movies (every guy has this), and pick out whichever one is the least illegal.
THE SEXIEST NEW LINGERE: The easier it is to get it off of you, the better. I recommend a towel.
THE PERFECT SCENT TO ATTRACT A MAN: Food.
STUCK IN A BAD RELATIONSHIP?: If your man is an asshole, here's a surefire way to improve your life. Step one: Kick his ass. (If he's bigger and stronger than you, which isn't as common as it used to be, you may have a friend kick his ass for you.) Step two: Stop dating him, or anyone similar to him. Step three: Date someone who is not an asshole. I recommend myself.
COMPATIBILITY QUIZ: 1) Do you like him? 2) Does he like you? 3) Seriously, do you need a third question? Put down the quiz, and stop trying to ruin a good thing.
HOW TO GET YOUR MAN TO DO WHAT YOU WANT: Here's a novel idea. Drop the cryptic bullshit and just tell him. I know it sounds crazy, but it actually does work.
MAKE-UP TIPS: I won't lie. Some guys like goth chicks, some guys like glamour gals, and some guys like the girl-next-door look... But there are NO GUYS who like a woman to hog the bathroom for three hours getting ready! So let's pick the lesser of two evils, and go au natural.
HOW TO FIND THE PERFECT GUY: There is no such thing. Seriously, you might as well be looking for a unicorn. You want a guy you'll be happy with? It's a three-step process. First, look at all the guys who listen to most of the same kinds of music that you like. Generally, people who like the same music have most of the same interests in other areas. Second, cross off all the guys who are drunks, rapists, cheaters, stalkers, deadbeats, wife-beaters, drug-addicts, or have other personalities living in their heads. (Despite what you've seen on the Lifetime Network, there aren't that many.) Third, select from the remaining list whoever is the least unpleasant to look at, and there you go.
BUT SHOULDN'T I BE DEDICATING MY LIFE TO SPENDING LOTS AND LOTS OF MONEY SO THAT I CAN LIVE UP TO AN IMPOSSIBLE STANDARD OF BEAUTY, AND JUSTIFY IT BY SAYING THAT I'M DOING IT ALL FOR MY MAN (EVEN THOUGH HE NEVER NOTICES), OUT OF THE FEAR THAT I MIGHT LOSE HIM AND FIND MYSELF *GASP* SINGLE FOR A SHORT WHILE?!: Ummmmmm.... No.
YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU THINK THAT'S WHAT WE WANT TO HEAR. I'M NOT A FEMINIST, SO YOU CAN JUST BE YOUR HONEST SELF AROUND ME. NOW, HONESTLY, YOU WANT ME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY TO MAKE MYSELF PRETTY FOR YOU, WHILE YOU TREAT ME LIKE SHIT UNTIL I SNAP AND STAB YOU, RIGHT?: Uhhhhhhhhhhh....... Fine, whatever. I give up.
Well, that about sums it up. By the way, if you're a man taking fashion advice from gay men ("Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"), then I advise you to take a look at how badly women have been torturing themselves to live up to what they've been brainwashed to think that straight men want, and then ask yourself, "Do I trust the same gay guys to tell me how to torture myself to live up to what they think that straight women want?" Yeah, I didn't think so. The only people who should be taking fashion advice from gay guys are other gay guys.
And ladies, if you feel the urge to tell us to "stop doing the nice guy routine," because we think it's what you want from us... We know already! We're not pretending to be pussies to get laid. Some of us really are pussies. You think we haven't noticed women fawning over the hunky athletic guys? We're not blind. Telling us it's okay to be more like a "real man," is like telling women that it's okay to be a slutty cheerleader.
One last thing I have to point out. There is no problem in society with the standard of beauty for women. Go on any homemade porn site, and you'll see the most honest comments from everyone about what we actually find attractive. You might be saying to yourself, "But don't young girls have an obligation to look like fashion models, which is why they become annhorexic or bullemic?" No, dipshit. Eating disorders are signs of a neurosis, not a cultural problem. Compuslive hand washers aren't caused by trying to live up to watch catalogs. Get these people some medical help. Adding an extra five pounds to a person whose job it is to show us clothes, and calling it an "attainable goal" is not the answer! Really, what is a model anyway? It's just a human being doing the job of a hanger. I don't know where we got this idea that anyone should be trying to look like them. What next, are we going to start using shorter basketball players, taller jockeys, and thinner sumo wrestlers, so that guys don't feel like our goals are unattainable? There's no such thing as an attainable goal, because everyone's body is different. And don't get me started on the Barbie dolls. I had an Optimus Prime as a kid, but you don't see me suffering an inferiority complex because I'm not a thirty-foot-tall shapeshifting robot. Okay, I'm done now.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Friday, March 9, 2012
Status Symbols
What are status symbols for today? What charactaristics make you seem more respectable than the average person? If this were a perfect world, the list of priorities would go something like this:
1. Compassion
2. Honesty
3. Work-Ethic
4. Courage
That is to say, that in a perfect world, a kind liar would be more respected than an honest asshole, an honest lazy person would be more respected than a hard-working liar, a hard-working coward would be more respected than a lazy brave person, and anything after courage wouldn't be taken into consideration. Sadly, we do not live in a perfect world. In the real world, the list goes more like this:
1. Misfortune
2. Intelligence
3. Taste
4. Positivity
5. Age
Starting with misfortune, it is largely accepted that the most recognition tends to go to the person in the room who has had the worst things happen to him in his lifetime, preferably recently. A conversation would go something like this:
"Did you hear about Bob? He lost his job, his wife left him, and he has a stomach flu."
"Wow, God bless him. He's a good man."
"Yeah, but then he won the lottery."
"What? That bastard!"
It has gotten to such a point that even those things previously considered good, now have to be validated by putting a negative spin on them. A person gets a paid vacation, and has to say, "I'm going to be bored all week," or "I'm going to be so busy with housework, I won't even enjoy it." Otherwise, he might sound like he's gloating over his good fortune. Even being a unique individual now has to be explained as a neurological disorder. You see a person cleaning up the place, and he has to excuse his seemingly good gesture by saying that he has OCD. He knows that having a brain defect of some sort is more socially acceptible than just being tidy.
With all misfortune being equal, the second priority is intelligence. For most people, intelligence is not measured by education, memory or ability, but rather by a keen grasp on the nature of the real world. People generally measure this by cynicism and/or frugality. The more money you save, the smarter people will think you are, even if this means avoiding acts of charity. You give money to a homeless person, and people look at you as if you thought you were making some sort of really bad long-term investment. As for cynicism, the idea is that if you expect the worst, people think you know what's going on, but if you expect the best, people tend to think of you as naive. Banking on getting that promotion, or the girl you like saying yes, or there being a God, are all signs that you might be unaware of the incredible risks of setting yourself up for a disappointment. People look at you as though Murphy's Law is a real force in the universe, of which you are ignorant. If you really want people to think that you've been paying attention to the world thus far, you'll put on the guise of a pessimist, or better yet, a nihilist.
The old saying goes, "In matters of taste, there can be no dispute." Well, the person who said that has never been on the internet. People often judge one another on whether or not they like the same movies, music, books, TV shows, video games, shopping centers, and so on. The rule of thumb is that when there is a disagreement on a particular item, status goes to the person who dislikes the item more. Nobody wants to be the guy who likes something that another person dislikes:
"I really like that new Harry Potter movie."
"That movie sucked."
"Um... yeah... I thought so too."
This is why so many people play it safe, and just automatically hate everything. If you hate every single thing in existence, the only way you can be trumped is by someone who hates everything in existence, but expresses their hatred more vehemently than you do.
The next item on the list is positivity. You might think that having a positive attitude contradicts the cynicism and glorification of misfortune previously mentioned. However, in this case, positivity applies only to response to existing situations, rather than expectations for the future. For example, an optimist expects to get a raise, whereas a positive pessemist doesn't mind the fact that he probably won't get it.
When people become seriously depressed, no matter what the reason, we tend to think of them as "drama queens." People back away from other people's drama and negativity, often ostracizing them from the social group. People make video blogs on how much they dispise "emos." Some even go so far as to add a pseudo-religious element to this convention, saying that "negative energy" is a real force which can cause misfortune to occur in the lives of anyone who associates with a negative person. Misery has become the new sin.
Misfortune brings status, but being emotionally affected by misfortune removes status. A true status-building statement would go something like this:
"I lost my job, my wife left me, my car broke down, and a steel spike flew off a construction site and impaled my skull... But you know me. I can't complain."
The phrase "I can't complain" is one of the disclaimers which alerts the listeners that although you feel the need to inform them of everything that has gone wrong in your life, you're not just trying to gain sympathy. Other popular disclaimers are "but it could be worse," "but it's not as bad as it seems," "but that's life," and so on. ("That's life" is actually a doubley useful phrase, because not only does it imply that you're not bothered by your misfortune, but it also implies that you didn't expect anything better, which gives the impression of intelligence.)
Failing to use one of these disclaimers, you'll have been perceived as "emo" or "drama queen," and your only recourse is to blame your attitude on a chemical imbalance, and hope to cash in on some of the misfortune-of-having-a-disorder respect. It sometimes works.
All other things being equal, the fifth status symbol is age. People tend to be more respectful of older people than younger people. This may come as a surprise, because we often hear about how much elderly people are disrespected, but consider this. For as much disrespect a young person has for an old person, it's nothing compared with how much disrespect there is the other way around. Old people have virtually no respect whatsoever for young people.
The ranking system goes like this: 1) People exactly the same age as you. 2) People older than you. 3) People younger than you.
One of the reasons that older people are more respected than younger people, (besides the obvious fact that older people actually know more), is a sort of reverse-prejudice. People are extra polite to old people to prove that they're NOT one of those people who isn't. (It's sort of like the white guy who is extra nice when the black guy enters the room, so that everyone knows how much he's not a racist.)
There is no way that a person can outright change his age, as he would change his opinion about the latest Spider-Man movie. However, people do tend to take steps to emphasize their age by making partially-obscure references to things from their childhoods. "Hey, remember the Snorks?" It's almost like a secret handshake between people who grew up in the same era. It's the sort of thing that these "young punks" wouldn't get. Even the hipster who claims to hate everything that comes out, is reluctant to bash something from his childhood, because he knows that he may need it later to connect with another thirty-something.
People want to show their age in every way possible, EXCEPT for appearance. We all want to look good for our ages. What's the point of looking like you're twenty-five, unless people know that you're really forty? Besides, knowing obscure references can also be taken as a sign of intelligence, in the sense of being more informed.
The fallout of this is that young hipsters have started actively seeking out things from "before their time" to enjoy. They often use the line, "I was born in the wrong era." It's a sort of manufactured nostalgia, which satisfies a wide range of status symbols -- the misfortune of having been born too late, the intelligence of knowing about a wider range of things, the taste in hating all the "new" pop culture icons, and having the respect of acting older, without actually looking older.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing on young people, and I certainly don't think that young people should be forsaking Michael Jackson in favor of Justin Beiber. In the age of the internet, people are exposed to a wide range of music and movies almost irrelevant of when they were originally released, and a lot of the older stuff is probably better than a lot of the newer stuff. The point is that the phrase "They don't make 'em like they used to," somehow gets you an automatic round of applause and nods of agreement. If it's in the form of a video comment, it gets a hailstorm of "likes" and "thumbs ups." No one wants to be the one to say that he prefers something newer over something older, as it might cause him to be marked as a drone of corporate-run media, (which is another reason why it's often safer to simply hate everything).
So there you have it: A stupid unlucky person is more respected than a lucky smart person, a cheap cynical fanboy is more respected than a culture-bashing optimist, a whiner who hates everything is more respected than a pop-culture fan with a postivie attitude, a teenager who "can't complain" is more respected than a middle-aged guy who is depressed, and a thirty-something who looks like a twenty-something is more respected than an actual twenty-something, unless that twenty-something listens to Glen Miller.
Yes, it's a stupid system which we have accepted as the de facto social hierarchy, and it encourages a lot of annoying and obnoxious habits... but hey, I can't complain.
1. Compassion
2. Honesty
3. Work-Ethic
4. Courage
That is to say, that in a perfect world, a kind liar would be more respected than an honest asshole, an honest lazy person would be more respected than a hard-working liar, a hard-working coward would be more respected than a lazy brave person, and anything after courage wouldn't be taken into consideration. Sadly, we do not live in a perfect world. In the real world, the list goes more like this:
1. Misfortune
2. Intelligence
3. Taste
4. Positivity
5. Age
Starting with misfortune, it is largely accepted that the most recognition tends to go to the person in the room who has had the worst things happen to him in his lifetime, preferably recently. A conversation would go something like this:
"Did you hear about Bob? He lost his job, his wife left him, and he has a stomach flu."
"Wow, God bless him. He's a good man."
"Yeah, but then he won the lottery."
"What? That bastard!"
It has gotten to such a point that even those things previously considered good, now have to be validated by putting a negative spin on them. A person gets a paid vacation, and has to say, "I'm going to be bored all week," or "I'm going to be so busy with housework, I won't even enjoy it." Otherwise, he might sound like he's gloating over his good fortune. Even being a unique individual now has to be explained as a neurological disorder. You see a person cleaning up the place, and he has to excuse his seemingly good gesture by saying that he has OCD. He knows that having a brain defect of some sort is more socially acceptible than just being tidy.
With all misfortune being equal, the second priority is intelligence. For most people, intelligence is not measured by education, memory or ability, but rather by a keen grasp on the nature of the real world. People generally measure this by cynicism and/or frugality. The more money you save, the smarter people will think you are, even if this means avoiding acts of charity. You give money to a homeless person, and people look at you as if you thought you were making some sort of really bad long-term investment. As for cynicism, the idea is that if you expect the worst, people think you know what's going on, but if you expect the best, people tend to think of you as naive. Banking on getting that promotion, or the girl you like saying yes, or there being a God, are all signs that you might be unaware of the incredible risks of setting yourself up for a disappointment. People look at you as though Murphy's Law is a real force in the universe, of which you are ignorant. If you really want people to think that you've been paying attention to the world thus far, you'll put on the guise of a pessimist, or better yet, a nihilist.
The old saying goes, "In matters of taste, there can be no dispute." Well, the person who said that has never been on the internet. People often judge one another on whether or not they like the same movies, music, books, TV shows, video games, shopping centers, and so on. The rule of thumb is that when there is a disagreement on a particular item, status goes to the person who dislikes the item more. Nobody wants to be the guy who likes something that another person dislikes:
"I really like that new Harry Potter movie."
"That movie sucked."
"Um... yeah... I thought so too."
This is why so many people play it safe, and just automatically hate everything. If you hate every single thing in existence, the only way you can be trumped is by someone who hates everything in existence, but expresses their hatred more vehemently than you do.
The next item on the list is positivity. You might think that having a positive attitude contradicts the cynicism and glorification of misfortune previously mentioned. However, in this case, positivity applies only to response to existing situations, rather than expectations for the future. For example, an optimist expects to get a raise, whereas a positive pessemist doesn't mind the fact that he probably won't get it.
When people become seriously depressed, no matter what the reason, we tend to think of them as "drama queens." People back away from other people's drama and negativity, often ostracizing them from the social group. People make video blogs on how much they dispise "emos." Some even go so far as to add a pseudo-religious element to this convention, saying that "negative energy" is a real force which can cause misfortune to occur in the lives of anyone who associates with a negative person. Misery has become the new sin.
Misfortune brings status, but being emotionally affected by misfortune removes status. A true status-building statement would go something like this:
"I lost my job, my wife left me, my car broke down, and a steel spike flew off a construction site and impaled my skull... But you know me. I can't complain."
The phrase "I can't complain" is one of the disclaimers which alerts the listeners that although you feel the need to inform them of everything that has gone wrong in your life, you're not just trying to gain sympathy. Other popular disclaimers are "but it could be worse," "but it's not as bad as it seems," "but that's life," and so on. ("That's life" is actually a doubley useful phrase, because not only does it imply that you're not bothered by your misfortune, but it also implies that you didn't expect anything better, which gives the impression of intelligence.)
Failing to use one of these disclaimers, you'll have been perceived as "emo" or "drama queen," and your only recourse is to blame your attitude on a chemical imbalance, and hope to cash in on some of the misfortune-of-having-a-disorder respect. It sometimes works.
All other things being equal, the fifth status symbol is age. People tend to be more respectful of older people than younger people. This may come as a surprise, because we often hear about how much elderly people are disrespected, but consider this. For as much disrespect a young person has for an old person, it's nothing compared with how much disrespect there is the other way around. Old people have virtually no respect whatsoever for young people.
The ranking system goes like this: 1) People exactly the same age as you. 2) People older than you. 3) People younger than you.
One of the reasons that older people are more respected than younger people, (besides the obvious fact that older people actually know more), is a sort of reverse-prejudice. People are extra polite to old people to prove that they're NOT one of those people who isn't. (It's sort of like the white guy who is extra nice when the black guy enters the room, so that everyone knows how much he's not a racist.)
There is no way that a person can outright change his age, as he would change his opinion about the latest Spider-Man movie. However, people do tend to take steps to emphasize their age by making partially-obscure references to things from their childhoods. "Hey, remember the Snorks?" It's almost like a secret handshake between people who grew up in the same era. It's the sort of thing that these "young punks" wouldn't get. Even the hipster who claims to hate everything that comes out, is reluctant to bash something from his childhood, because he knows that he may need it later to connect with another thirty-something.
People want to show their age in every way possible, EXCEPT for appearance. We all want to look good for our ages. What's the point of looking like you're twenty-five, unless people know that you're really forty? Besides, knowing obscure references can also be taken as a sign of intelligence, in the sense of being more informed.
The fallout of this is that young hipsters have started actively seeking out things from "before their time" to enjoy. They often use the line, "I was born in the wrong era." It's a sort of manufactured nostalgia, which satisfies a wide range of status symbols -- the misfortune of having been born too late, the intelligence of knowing about a wider range of things, the taste in hating all the "new" pop culture icons, and having the respect of acting older, without actually looking older.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not bashing on young people, and I certainly don't think that young people should be forsaking Michael Jackson in favor of Justin Beiber. In the age of the internet, people are exposed to a wide range of music and movies almost irrelevant of when they were originally released, and a lot of the older stuff is probably better than a lot of the newer stuff. The point is that the phrase "They don't make 'em like they used to," somehow gets you an automatic round of applause and nods of agreement. If it's in the form of a video comment, it gets a hailstorm of "likes" and "thumbs ups." No one wants to be the one to say that he prefers something newer over something older, as it might cause him to be marked as a drone of corporate-run media, (which is another reason why it's often safer to simply hate everything).
So there you have it: A stupid unlucky person is more respected than a lucky smart person, a cheap cynical fanboy is more respected than a culture-bashing optimist, a whiner who hates everything is more respected than a pop-culture fan with a postivie attitude, a teenager who "can't complain" is more respected than a middle-aged guy who is depressed, and a thirty-something who looks like a twenty-something is more respected than an actual twenty-something, unless that twenty-something listens to Glen Miller.
Yes, it's a stupid system which we have accepted as the de facto social hierarchy, and it encourages a lot of annoying and obnoxious habits... but hey, I can't complain.
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