We have some useless letters in our alphabet:

A, so far so good. I won't pick on the vowels too much, because I know vowels by nature are flexible.

B, no problem there.

C? Do we really need C? Sometimes it's pronounced like a K, and sometimes, it's pronounced like an S. So why not just use a K or an S? And sometimes, there's a K or an S, and a C that you don't need, just hanging around. "Science." There's already an S there, so why the C? "Duck." Why a C and a K? K is enough. Basically, the only time you really need a C, is when it's with an H. So maybe we should just make C sound like a CH all the time. Then "cyclone" would become "syklone," and "chair" would become "cair." I think that's reasonable.

D, E, F, fine. G is another letter that kan't make up it's mind. Sometimes a G just sounds like itself, but other times, it sounds like a J. So why not use a J? Let's cange "garage" to "garaje." I think that makes sense. Sometimes the G kombines with an H, and just sounds like a weird sort of a breath. Sinse no other letter in the alphabet does this, I'll allow it.

H is okay, when it's by itself, but it tends to combine weird with other letters. I don't blame the H, I blame the letters preceeding it. So I'll let it go.

I is fine. However, the whole "I before E exsept after C" rule needs to go. "Weight," "Einstein," "weird," "science," "neighbor," "seize," "dreidel," "vaccancies," "beige..." Holy shit, this is a dumb rule. Let's kik this rule to the kurb with the rest of the garbaje. The new rule is, "I before or after E, depending on whatever you feel like."

J, K, L, M, N, O are okay.

P is fine when it's acting like a P. But sometimes it kombines with S or N and just disappears. Let's drop the P's from "pnemonia" and "psychology." Other times, the P kombines with H and sounds like an F. Well why not just use an F? People might tell you that "phone" is spelled with a PH, bekause that's the way the ancient Greeks spelled it. And I know that's bullshit, bekause the ancient Greeks didn't have any telefones. (Hey, at least the folks over at Trakfone have the right idea.) People might klaim that PH komes from the Greek letter phi, and PS komes from the letter psi. Well then why don't we just translate the letter phi as the equivilant of the letter F? So let's not stik P's anywhere where they don't belong.

Q is just stupid. In English, the letter Q is ALWAYS followed by a U. So if we know it's koming anyway, why even bother with it? And how would a Q be pronounsed if it wasn't followed by a U? Would it still sound the same? Or would it sound like a K? Since non-English words, such as "Iraq," make the Q sound like a K, I'm going to assume that Q is the same as K, and that QU is the same as KU or KW. So let's start spelling all our Q words foenetikally, and replace all the QU's with KW's, and all the lone Q's with K's. I think I'm being kwite lojikal about this.

R is good.

S is fine. Sometimes it kombines with H, but sinse no other letter makes the spesifik SH sound, I'll allow it. T is the same thing. Nothing else makes a TH sound, so we'll keep the TH. For now.

U is okay. V is okay. W is kind of a goofball letter. It's konsidered to be a vowel in only one word in the English languaje. The word is "cwm," meaning a steep valley in the side of a hill. This is dumb. W is a double U, and it karries a vowel sound, so why not just kall it a vowel already?

X doesn't really serve muc of a purpose. At the beginning of a word, it sounds like a Z. So why not use a Z? Canje "xenon" to "zenon." In the middle or end of a word, it sounds like a KS. So use a KS. Canje "box" to "boks." The name "Xavier" is kind of unusual, bekause the X is at the beginning, but it doesn't sound like a Z. It sounds like "egz." It kould be spelled "Egzavier," but sinse it's a proper name, I think it would be best to kall up all the Egzaviers on the fone, and ask them to judje for themselves whether they feel like canjing it or not. Really, the only time X is aktually useful is when the letter is by itself, as in "X-ray," or "X marks the spot." So those are the only times we should use X.

Y just pisses me off. It's a vowel, it's a konsonant, it's a vowel, it's a konsonant. Make up your fuking mind, Y! I say, Y makes a sound that sounds like a vowel, so let's just kall it a vowel all the time. There is no reason to konsider Y a konsonant. Let the folks on Wheel of Fortune start buying it already.

Z is okay, for the most part. But sometimes, SH, ZS, G or S sound like a ZH, but the only time a word with that partikular sound is spelled that way, is in the diktionary foenetik respelling. I don't see why we kan't just spell a ZH sound with a ZH. Canje "beige" to "beizhe," canje "treasure" to "treazhure," and canje "mirage" to "mirazhe." Maybe even canje "Zsa Zsa Gabore" to "Zha Zha Gabore." Again, I'm fleksible on proper names.

And while we're at it, let's drop all the silent konsonants. We've already dropped the P from "nemonia" and "sykolojy," but now let's drop some of those silent Bs and Ls. Canje "walk" to "wak?" Okay, maybe that's too konfusing, so let's ...add a W, and kall it "wawk." Then seal up your windows with "kawk." I think that's reasonable. Canje "comb and tomb" to "com and tom?" No, those are already words, so we'll need to add a more appropriate letter. I think an extra vowel is rekwired. Canje "comb" to "koum," and canje "tomb" to "toom." "Dumb" and "numb" don't need any ekstra vowels, so they kan just bekome "dum" and "num." Yes, we're definitely making some improvements here, and making the way we tawk muc less dum.

Anyway, those are a few small canjes I would make to the English alfabet. I guess that makes me a vizhionary, who thinks outside the boks.