If you've ever worked in a place where they have a radio playing all day, then you know that there are some annoying as fuck things that need to be addressed. Some people should just not be allowed to choose a radio station. Where to even begin?
First of all, let me just say that if you can afford to buy a speaker with the cool moving lights on it, and one that is loud enough to be heard throughout the entire department, then you can afford the extra couple of bucks to spend on the ad-free music subscription. I pay for ad-free radio, and I shouldn't have to listen to commercials while I'm at work. And radio commercials are the worst. I don't know where these people learned to talk, but no human being anywhere outside of radio ads sounds like that. It's like a person with histrionic disorder taking cocaine, and then trying to talk through a closed door, while portraying a cartoon character. And the worst of the worst are the car commercials. I'd be very happy to go the rest of my life without ever again hearing the phrase "sales event." A sale is not an event! Just because you leave a balloon arch and a wavy arm tube man up year-round, does not mean that buying a car is festive! And what's with those ads that think it's "clever" to act out the ad as if they were leaving a voicemail? You know the ones. The ones that have the old-fashioned answering machine beep. "Hey, insert name, it's your stereotypical Jewish mother calling to tell you about the great deals as who-gives-a-shit restaurant, and how come you never call me back? Beeeeeep." Who started this shit, and why is it still going on?
Second rule, avoid the top forty stations. I'm not saying never play them, but don't play them all the time, unless you want to hear a very short list of songs played over and over again, that have nothing in common with each other aside from the fact that they're all recent. To quote the famous Sagat, "Why is it that when I'm listenin' to da radio, I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months? Funk dat!"
Third rule, if you pick the Spanish station, do me a favor, and pick one of the stations that lets the song actually play all the way through. Do NOT pick one of the stations where the DJ has to interrupt the music about every ten to fifteen seconds shouting "ARRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIBAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!" And I am not exaggerating. It's fucking nonstop. I'm at work, so stop telling me, in any language, to get on the dancefloor. Also, why do they have ads for Taco Bell on the Spanish music station? Who the hell is from a Spanish-speaking country and actually likes Taco Bell?
Fourth rule, and I cannot stress this one enough. I don't want to hear any fucking Christmas music until AT LEAST the beginning of December! October is for Halloween music, December is for Christmas music, maybe you can throw on "Alice's Restaurant" around Thanksgiving, and the rest of the year should just be "normal" music. If I have to listen to a fucking Christmas song the first week of November, I might just take a baseball bat to the speakers!
Fifth rule, and this one is just common courtesy, but it needs to be said. If someone is already listening to music on a small radio, don't be a dick and set up a bigger radio on a different station right next to him. It's just... dude, seriously?
Sixth rule, pay attention to what you're actually playing. Don't just set your app up to auto-play your favorites, and then walk away, not bothering to check what's actually playing. True story, I had a coworker set up a large radio for the whole department, and somehow, after finishing a few decent songs, it started playing an audiobook of a biography of Julius Caesar. At first, I didn't say anything. I figured, he's going to come back and notice, right? He's not going to let this whole thing play through, right? Nope, it just kept playing. By first break, I knew more about Roman senate proceedings than I ever cared to know. By lunchtime, I was ready to stab the bastard myself. Please, stick to music!
Seventh rule, when I'm playing music on a small radio, don't be that boss who, even though he can make a phone call from anywhere in the building, decides to come over and stand right next to me, start talking on the phone, and then ask me to turn down my music because he's on the phone. I'm standing there thinking, "you know you could just go stand somewhere else, dipshit!" Of course, I don't say that out loud, because I want to keep my job. So I just say, "sure, no problem." But come on!
Eighth rule, I know that some DJs like to make a big deal about Friday close to quitting time, and how excited we all are for the weekend to start. But that is NOT the radio station you want to be playing for people who work weekend shift! I worked late shift at this one place that had a seven-day work schedule for all employees, and every Friday, right as we were returning from first break, the DJ on the radio station that was being piped through the PA system would say, "IT'S FRIDAY!!!!" and start playing "Everybody's Working for the Weekend." Don't add insult to injury! It's bad enough we didn't have any nights off, but did we need to be subjected to this reminder that in a different reality, we were all going home to relax?
Nineth rule, stay away from those DJs who are just so in love with the sound of their own voice. You know the ones. They play five minutes of music, and then talk for ten minutes about nothing. They laugh way too hard at their own jokes. They throw in the same wacky sound effects over and over, like it's some form of obsessive compulsive disorder. They have to play a doorbell, a trumpet, a clip from a movie from five years ago, and the mating call of a South American tree frog, in that order, exactly thirty-seven times, because somebody said the word "the." They're the ones who take half an hour to tell a five-minute story about a pizza arriving late. Nobody fucking cares! Worst of all, are the ones who act like perverts, because they think it makes them edgy. This ain't the 1980s, you ain't Howard Stern, and nobody fucking thinks you're edgy!
Tenth rule, if you get bad reception, just shut it off. I'd rather listen to dead silence than listen to that intermittent on-and-off punctuated by static. If I can only hear about a half-a-second of a song at a time, just... stop.
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