Ever feel like confusing the hell out of people for no reason? Here's what you do. Walk up behind someone in a public area. Make sure you're close enough that they can hear you, but still far enough away to get out of sight before they turn around. Then say any one of the following phrases:
* It's getting late. I still have to get home and rotate the kitchen cupboards.
* I hope it rains later. I'm trying to dry out the lawn.
* Well, I knew he was cheating on his taxes as soon as I saw the mustard in the fish tank.
* Did you hear about those kids who got high from sniffing dog turds?
* He died of a stroke caused by an ice cream headache. (Works best if the other person is eating ice cream.)
* Thirty-seven bags of marshmallows. I think you can guess where he was going.
* Thank God you farted!
* They bombed where?!
As soon as they hear you, you duck out of hiding, so they never get ask you to explain yourself.
Friday, November 29, 2013
Saturday, October 19, 2013
What I Expected and What I Got
When I was little, I was told what to expect in the twenty-first century. Here's a list of things I expected, and what I actually got instead:
* FLYING CARS - Instead of flying cars, we got "smart" cars. They can pick out a restaurant, tell you when to turn, perfectly balance fuel consumption per wheel, and keep you alive and call for help in a crash. That's all well and good, but they STILL CAN'T FUCKING FLY!
* THE TENTH PLANET - I grew up with nine planets in the solar system, but we all knew there was a tenth one out there, just waiting to be discovered as soon as our telescope technology improved. We finally improved our telescopes, and instead of a tenth planet, we LOST ONE! There are now only EIGHT planets. By the way, does anybody else think it's kind of a creepy coincidence that Pluto got kicked out of the solar system around the same time as the color indigo got kicked out of the rainbow?
* THE FIFTY-FIRST STATE - We were all set to add that new star to the American flag, but it hasn't happened yet, and now we have states talking about breaking away from the United States. Nobody is taking it too seriously yet, but I think there's a much better chance of losing Texas than gaining Puerto Rico these days.
* BUBBLE-DOME CITIES - Perfect climate-controlled environments. Well, we don't have bubble domes protecting our cities, but we DID manage to lose a chunk of our ozone layer, which means that we're now LESS covered than we were before.
* RAY GUNS - Lasers, disrupters, phasers, death rays, light sabers... Instead, we got drones. I pictured a future in which soldiers wouldn't have bullets. Now we have bullets without soldiers.
* WORLD WAR THREE - We all knew it was coming. The U.S. and the Soviets would fire off their nuclear weapons, creating a post-apocalyptic wasteland full of mutants fighting for survival. Instead, we got... the war on terror, a few Rapture cults, a bunch of zombie movies, and our biggest gripe with Russia is that they stopped being okay with gay people, right around the time we started. I don't know what's real anymore.
* TELEPORTERS - Well, we don't have them yet, but we do have 3-D printers, which is kind of like a... well it's sort of a... okay, it's not the same thing at all. I don't know anyone who has one yet anyway.
* HOLOGRAM TELEVISION - Let's be honest. Television is dying. Even with radical improvements such as recordable programs, clearer picture quality, and wider selection, it just cannot continue to compete with online video-on-demand. Television will end without ever having been in 3-D, or having said "fuck."
* SPACESHIPS - We were going to have spaceships and moon colonies and Mars missions, and we were going to make contact with space aliens. Instead, we shut down NASA, and start building a wall to keep human aliens out. We also completely fucked up the education system. Good job, guys. At least we can count on deranged billionaires to keep working on the project.
* THE METRIC SYSTEM - Everyone in the future was going to be using the metric system because it's just so futuristic. Actually, most of the world was already using the metric system, except for the United States, and I don't see us changing anytime soon, because it's just not practical. Who wants to tear out all the road signs and re-price all the products in stores, just to make calculations a little easier to do without a calculator... even though everyone has a calculator? Also, Celsius temperature sucks. No one needs to know how close the weather is to the boiling point of water.
* LOTS MORE SMOG - There's lots less, and yet, people are more pissed off about how much pollution there is. Explain that to me. People are choking to death, and it's a mild annoyance, but a faint trace of gas that you need a machine to detect, and we're ready to start a riot.
* INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE - Esperanto? Interlang? Some other manufactured language to be "fair" to everybody? Nope, instead, everyone just started speaking English. Yeah, remember that really stupid language that was supposedly almost impossible to learn because its rules weren't consistent? That's what everyone speaks now. Who saw that coming?
* ROBOTS - There were supposed to be humanoid robots doing all our housework for us. The closest thing we got is a rolling frisbee that can sort of vacuum.
* ORWELLIAN NEWSPEAK - Well, we had a politically-correct phase, but it died out. Now the only ones who use it are politicians, but that's nothing new.
* EVERYONE IS A SCIENTIFIC GENIUS - Instead, we got the Creationist museums, and an increase in the number of people practicing witchcraft. (Not that I'm complaining about one of those.)
* WRIST PHONES - They were promising these things FOREVER! And now, we FINALLY HAVE THEM............ right after everyone has a smart phone in their pockets, and nobody wears wristwatches anymore. Better late than never?
* FLYING CARS - Instead of flying cars, we got "smart" cars. They can pick out a restaurant, tell you when to turn, perfectly balance fuel consumption per wheel, and keep you alive and call for help in a crash. That's all well and good, but they STILL CAN'T FUCKING FLY!
* THE TENTH PLANET - I grew up with nine planets in the solar system, but we all knew there was a tenth one out there, just waiting to be discovered as soon as our telescope technology improved. We finally improved our telescopes, and instead of a tenth planet, we LOST ONE! There are now only EIGHT planets. By the way, does anybody else think it's kind of a creepy coincidence that Pluto got kicked out of the solar system around the same time as the color indigo got kicked out of the rainbow?
* THE FIFTY-FIRST STATE - We were all set to add that new star to the American flag, but it hasn't happened yet, and now we have states talking about breaking away from the United States. Nobody is taking it too seriously yet, but I think there's a much better chance of losing Texas than gaining Puerto Rico these days.
* BUBBLE-DOME CITIES - Perfect climate-controlled environments. Well, we don't have bubble domes protecting our cities, but we DID manage to lose a chunk of our ozone layer, which means that we're now LESS covered than we were before.
* RAY GUNS - Lasers, disrupters, phasers, death rays, light sabers... Instead, we got drones. I pictured a future in which soldiers wouldn't have bullets. Now we have bullets without soldiers.
* WORLD WAR THREE - We all knew it was coming. The U.S. and the Soviets would fire off their nuclear weapons, creating a post-apocalyptic wasteland full of mutants fighting for survival. Instead, we got... the war on terror, a few Rapture cults, a bunch of zombie movies, and our biggest gripe with Russia is that they stopped being okay with gay people, right around the time we started. I don't know what's real anymore.
* TELEPORTERS - Well, we don't have them yet, but we do have 3-D printers, which is kind of like a... well it's sort of a... okay, it's not the same thing at all. I don't know anyone who has one yet anyway.
* HOLOGRAM TELEVISION - Let's be honest. Television is dying. Even with radical improvements such as recordable programs, clearer picture quality, and wider selection, it just cannot continue to compete with online video-on-demand. Television will end without ever having been in 3-D, or having said "fuck."
* SPACESHIPS - We were going to have spaceships and moon colonies and Mars missions, and we were going to make contact with space aliens. Instead, we shut down NASA, and start building a wall to keep human aliens out. We also completely fucked up the education system. Good job, guys. At least we can count on deranged billionaires to keep working on the project.
* THE METRIC SYSTEM - Everyone in the future was going to be using the metric system because it's just so futuristic. Actually, most of the world was already using the metric system, except for the United States, and I don't see us changing anytime soon, because it's just not practical. Who wants to tear out all the road signs and re-price all the products in stores, just to make calculations a little easier to do without a calculator... even though everyone has a calculator? Also, Celsius temperature sucks. No one needs to know how close the weather is to the boiling point of water.
* LOTS MORE SMOG - There's lots less, and yet, people are more pissed off about how much pollution there is. Explain that to me. People are choking to death, and it's a mild annoyance, but a faint trace of gas that you need a machine to detect, and we're ready to start a riot.
* INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE - Esperanto? Interlang? Some other manufactured language to be "fair" to everybody? Nope, instead, everyone just started speaking English. Yeah, remember that really stupid language that was supposedly almost impossible to learn because its rules weren't consistent? That's what everyone speaks now. Who saw that coming?
* ROBOTS - There were supposed to be humanoid robots doing all our housework for us. The closest thing we got is a rolling frisbee that can sort of vacuum.
* ORWELLIAN NEWSPEAK - Well, we had a politically-correct phase, but it died out. Now the only ones who use it are politicians, but that's nothing new.
* EVERYONE IS A SCIENTIFIC GENIUS - Instead, we got the Creationist museums, and an increase in the number of people practicing witchcraft. (Not that I'm complaining about one of those.)
* WRIST PHONES - They were promising these things FOREVER! And now, we FINALLY HAVE THEM............ right after everyone has a smart phone in their pockets, and nobody wears wristwatches anymore. Better late than never?
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Religion Quiz
Let's see if I can figure out which belief system you belong to (or should belong to, if undecided.)
1 Is there an intelligent power in the world that is beyond humans?
Yes - Go to 2.
No - Go to 3.
Maybe - You are AGNOSTIC.
2 Is it from another planet?
Yes - Go to 4.
No - Go to 5.
3 Should people be allowed to own property?
Yes - Go to 6.
No - You are a MARXIST.
4 Are we clones of them?
Yes - You are RAELEAN.
No - Go to 7.
5 Are there many different gods?
Yes - Go to 8.
No - Go to 9.
6 Does life have any value whatsoever?
Yes - Go to 89.
No - You are NIHILIST.
7 Are their thetans inside us?
Yes - You are SCIENTOLOGIST.
No - Go to 10.
8 Are humans and gods both part of a single unifying force?
Yes - Go to 11.
No - Go to 12.
9 Did your higher power create the universe?
Yes - Go to 13.
No - Go to 14.
10 Are aliens coming for us?
Yes - You are a UFO CULT.
No - Go to 15.
11 Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yes - Go to 16.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
12 Do your gods come from Japan?
Yes - Go to 105.
No - Go to 17.
13 Does God answer prayers?
Yes - Go to 18.
No - You are DEIST.
14 Is your higher power the spirits of your ancestors?
Yes - Go to 19.
No - Go to 20.
15 Are space aliens and angels of God the same things?
Yes - You are AETHERIAN.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
16 Do you incorporate many Western traditions into your beliefs?
Yes - Go to 81.
No - Go to 21.
17 Do you cast spells?
Yes - Go to 22.
No - Go to 23.
18 Do you believe in the Old Testament (Torah)?
Yes - Go to 24.
No - Go to 25.
19 Do you use shamanic rituals to communicate with them?
Yes - Go to 26.
No - Go to 27.
20 Is your higher power the Universe itself?
Yes - Go to 91.
No - Go to 38.
21 Do you live by the wisdom of Confucius?
Yes - You are CONFUCIAN.
No - Go to 28.
22 Does your ritual originate from Western Africa?
Yes - You are VOUDON.
No - Go to 29.
23 Do the legends of your gods come from Europe?
Yes - Go to 30.
No - Go to 31.
24 Do you believe in the New Testament (Gospels)?
Yes - Go to 32.
No - Go to 33.
25 Do you follow the teachings of Zoroaster?
Yes - You are ZOROASTRIAN.
No - You are UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALIST.
26 Do your ancestral spirits come from the West?
Yes - You are NATIVE AMERICAN.
No - You are EASTERN SHAMANIST.
27 Do you rely on psychics or mediums?
Yes - Go to 34.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
28 Do you live by the wisdom of Buddha?
Yes - You are BUDDHIST.
No - Go to 35.
29 Is your ritual based on Western Occultism?
Yes - Go to 36.
No - Go to 80.
30 Are your gods Greek, Roman or Etruscan?
Yes - Go to 88.
No - Go to 37.
31 Are your gods from the Egypt or the Middle East?
Yes - Go to 39.
No - Go to 40.
32 Do you believe in the Koran?
Yes - Go to 104.
No - Go to 42.
33 Do you believe that Haile Selassie I is the Messiah?
Yes - You are RASTAFARIAN.
No - Go to 43.
34 Does your preferred medium have a school of enlightenment?
Yes - Go to 44.
No - Go to 45.
35 Do you believe in the Veda?
Yes - Go to 46.
No - You are TAOIST.
36 Do you follow the Wiccan Rede?
Yes - Go to 47.
No - Go to 48.
37 Are your gods from the Norse tradition?
Yes - Go to 49.
No - Go to 50.
38 Does your higher power bring cargo?
Yes - You are JOHN FRUM CULT.
No - Go to 93.
39 Are your gods Egyptian?
Yes - You are KEMETIC.
No - You are MESOPOTAMPIAN.
40 Are your gods from America?
Yes - Go to 51.
No - Go to 52.
41 Do you believe in the Bab?
Yes - Go to 53.
No - Go to 54.
42 Do you believe in the Book of Mormon?
Yes - You are MORMON.
No - Go to 55.
43 Do you follow every law in Leviticus?
Yes - You are ORTHODOX JEW.
No - You are PROGRESSIVE JEW.
44 Is your belief system based on the Law of Attraction?
Yes - Go to 56.
No - Go to 57.
45 Do you derive philosophical conclusions from metaphysical observations?
Yes - You are THEOSOPHIST.
No - You are SPIRITUALIST.
46 Is Krishna the most important avatar?
Yes - You are HARE KRISHNA.
No - Go to 69.
47 Is feminism the most important aspect of your practice?
Yes - You are DIANIC WICCAN.
No - Go to 58.
48 Is your order founded by Aleistar Crowley?
Yes - You are THELEMA.
No - Go to 59.
49 Do you believe in cultural isolationism?
Yes - You are ODALIST.
No - Go to 60.
50 Are trees sacred to you?
Yes - You are DRUID.
No - You are CELTIC PAGAN.
51 Are your gods from Mexico?
Yes - Go to 61.
No - You are INCAN.
52 Are your gods from the Pacific?
Yes - Go to 62.
No - Go to 63.
53 Is Baha'u'lla the most important prophet?
Yes - You are BAHA'I.
No - You are BABIST.
54 Should political authority derive from religious authority?
Yes - You are SUNNI MUSLIM.
No - Go to 64.
55 Is the world around us an illusion created by our minds?
Yes - You are NEW THOUGHT.
No - Go to 86.
56 Has an ancient Atlantean warrior spirit come back to teach us?
Yes - You are RAMTHAN.
No - You are ABRAHAM-HICKS.
57 Do you believe some people are born Indigo?
Yes - You are KRYON'S SCHOOL.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
58 Do you follow a structured initiatory British tradition?
Yes - Go to 67.
No - Go to 68.
59 Does membership in your order require being a Freemason?
Yes - Go to 70.
No - Go to 97.
60 Does your religion have a hierarchial structure?
Yes - You are THEODIST.
No - You are ASATRU.
61 Are your gods from the Yukatan region?
Yes - You are MAYAN.
No - You are AZTEC.
62 Are your gods Australian?
Yes - You are ABORIGINE.
No - You are POLYNESIAN.
63 Are your gods from Africa?
Yes - You are AFRICAN ANIMIST.
No - You are OTHER PAGAN.
64 Do you seek spritual enlightenment above materialism?
Yes - You are SUFI.
No - You are SHI'ITE.
65 Do you believe in heaven and hell?
Yes - Go to 83.
No - You are CHRISTADELPHIAN.
66 Is the Pope infallible?
Yes - You are CATHOLIC.
No - Go to 73.
67 Do you follow the traditions of Alex Saunders?
Yes - You are ALEXANDRIAN WICCAN.
No - You are GARDENARIAN WICCAN.
68 Are faeries an integral part of your practice?
Yes - You are FAERIE WICCAN.
No - Go to 74.
69 Is your spiritual path based on monastic aecetic living and ritual fasting?
Yes - You are JAIN.
No - Go to 75.
70 Was your order founded around the late 19th century?
Yes - You are GOLDEN DAWN.
No - You are ROSICRUTIAN.
71 Is your church completely independent of other churches?
Yes - You are EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN.
No - You are SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST.
72 Is humanity being punished for permitting homosexuality?
Yes - You are WESTBORO BAPTIST.
No - Go to 77.
73 Can anyone interpret the Bible individually?
Yes - Go to 78.
No - Go to 79.
74 Is your ritual based on Gavin Frost?
Yes - You are CELTIC WICCAN.
No - You are UNCLASSIFED WICCAN.
75 Do you follow the Five Ks?
Yes - You are SIKH.
No - You are HINDU.
76 Should baptism be performed on adults only?
Yes - Go to 84.
No - Go to 77.
77 Do you believe in the coming of the Rapture?
Yes - Go back to 71.
No - You are FUNDAMENTALIST.
78 Do you go to a church to help you understand the Bible?
Yes - Go to 99.
No - You are QUAKER.
79 Do you follow an ancient traditional interpretation of scripture?
Yes - You are ORTHODOX CHRISTIAN.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED CHRISTIAN.
80 Do you invoke Aradia in your spells?
Yes - You are STREGHERIA.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
81 Are you a reincarnation of a mythical being?
Yes - You are OTHERKIN.
No - Go to 82.
82 Do you rely on the guidance of spirit mediums?
Yes - Go back to 34.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED NEW AGE.
83 Do you celebrate Christmas?
Yes - Go to 76.
No - Go to 90.
84 Is agrarian living integral to spiritual growth?
Yes - You are MENNONITE.
No - Go to 85.
85 Are things like faith-healing and speaking-in-tongues important to your faith?
Yes - You are PENTECOSTALIST.
No - You are BAPTIST.
86 Do you believe in The Exposition of the Divine Principle?
Yes - You are UNIFICATIONIST.
No - Go to 87.
87 Do you take the Bible literally?
Yes - Go back to 65.
No - Go back to 66.
88 Do you seek to create chaos and disorder?
Yes - You are DISCORDIAN.
No - You are HELLENIST.
89 Should people care more for each other than themselves?
Yes - Go to 100.
No - Go to 92.
90 Do you use electricity?
Yes - You are JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.
No - You are AMISH.
91 Are Zen and bowling important to your philosophy?
Yes - You are DUDIST.
No - You are PANTHEIST.
92 Do you perform Satanic rituals?
Yes - You are LAVEYAN.
No - You are OBJECTIVIST.
93 Do you use black magick?
Yes - Go to 95.
No - Go to 96.
95 Has Lucifer fallen from grace?
Yes - You are DEVIL-WORSHIPER.
No - You are LUCIFERIAN.
96 Do you use the Force?
Yes - You are JEDI.
No - You are UNCLASSIFED.
97 Do you use Egyptian dark magick?
Yes - You are SETIAN.
No - Go to 98.
98 Is the Loch Ness Monster important to your rituals?
Yes - You are EARTH MAGICIAN.
No - You are CHAOS MAGICIAN.
99 Does your church actively invite participation from differing belief systems?
Yes - You are C-3 EXCHANGE.
No - Go to 101.
100 Do you dress like a pirate?
Yes - You are PASTAFARIAN.
No - You are HUMANISTIC ATHEIST.
101 Are your churches overseen by an archbishop?
Yes - You are ANGLICAN.
No - Go to 102.
102 Is the Eucharist the true body of Christ?
Yes - Go to 103.
No - You are PRESBYTERIAN.
103 Do you use sacramental wine?
Yes - You are LUTHERAN.
No - You are METHODIST.
104 Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yes - You are DRUZE.
No - Go back to 41.
105 Is your preferred shrine founded by Nakayama Miki?
Yes - You are TENRIKYO.
No - You are SHINTOIST.
1 Is there an intelligent power in the world that is beyond humans?
Yes - Go to 2.
No - Go to 3.
Maybe - You are AGNOSTIC.
2 Is it from another planet?
Yes - Go to 4.
No - Go to 5.
3 Should people be allowed to own property?
Yes - Go to 6.
No - You are a MARXIST.
4 Are we clones of them?
Yes - You are RAELEAN.
No - Go to 7.
5 Are there many different gods?
Yes - Go to 8.
No - Go to 9.
6 Does life have any value whatsoever?
Yes - Go to 89.
No - You are NIHILIST.
7 Are their thetans inside us?
Yes - You are SCIENTOLOGIST.
No - Go to 10.
8 Are humans and gods both part of a single unifying force?
Yes - Go to 11.
No - Go to 12.
9 Did your higher power create the universe?
Yes - Go to 13.
No - Go to 14.
10 Are aliens coming for us?
Yes - You are a UFO CULT.
No - Go to 15.
11 Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yes - Go to 16.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
12 Do your gods come from Japan?
Yes - Go to 105.
No - Go to 17.
13 Does God answer prayers?
Yes - Go to 18.
No - You are DEIST.
14 Is your higher power the spirits of your ancestors?
Yes - Go to 19.
No - Go to 20.
15 Are space aliens and angels of God the same things?
Yes - You are AETHERIAN.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
16 Do you incorporate many Western traditions into your beliefs?
Yes - Go to 81.
No - Go to 21.
17 Do you cast spells?
Yes - Go to 22.
No - Go to 23.
18 Do you believe in the Old Testament (Torah)?
Yes - Go to 24.
No - Go to 25.
19 Do you use shamanic rituals to communicate with them?
Yes - Go to 26.
No - Go to 27.
20 Is your higher power the Universe itself?
Yes - Go to 91.
No - Go to 38.
21 Do you live by the wisdom of Confucius?
Yes - You are CONFUCIAN.
No - Go to 28.
22 Does your ritual originate from Western Africa?
Yes - You are VOUDON.
No - Go to 29.
23 Do the legends of your gods come from Europe?
Yes - Go to 30.
No - Go to 31.
24 Do you believe in the New Testament (Gospels)?
Yes - Go to 32.
No - Go to 33.
25 Do you follow the teachings of Zoroaster?
Yes - You are ZOROASTRIAN.
No - You are UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALIST.
26 Do your ancestral spirits come from the West?
Yes - You are NATIVE AMERICAN.
No - You are EASTERN SHAMANIST.
27 Do you rely on psychics or mediums?
Yes - Go to 34.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
28 Do you live by the wisdom of Buddha?
Yes - You are BUDDHIST.
No - Go to 35.
29 Is your ritual based on Western Occultism?
Yes - Go to 36.
No - Go to 80.
30 Are your gods Greek, Roman or Etruscan?
Yes - Go to 88.
No - Go to 37.
31 Are your gods from the Egypt or the Middle East?
Yes - Go to 39.
No - Go to 40.
32 Do you believe in the Koran?
Yes - Go to 104.
No - Go to 42.
33 Do you believe that Haile Selassie I is the Messiah?
Yes - You are RASTAFARIAN.
No - Go to 43.
34 Does your preferred medium have a school of enlightenment?
Yes - Go to 44.
No - Go to 45.
35 Do you believe in the Veda?
Yes - Go to 46.
No - You are TAOIST.
36 Do you follow the Wiccan Rede?
Yes - Go to 47.
No - Go to 48.
37 Are your gods from the Norse tradition?
Yes - Go to 49.
No - Go to 50.
38 Does your higher power bring cargo?
Yes - You are JOHN FRUM CULT.
No - Go to 93.
39 Are your gods Egyptian?
Yes - You are KEMETIC.
No - You are MESOPOTAMPIAN.
40 Are your gods from America?
Yes - Go to 51.
No - Go to 52.
41 Do you believe in the Bab?
Yes - Go to 53.
No - Go to 54.
42 Do you believe in the Book of Mormon?
Yes - You are MORMON.
No - Go to 55.
43 Do you follow every law in Leviticus?
Yes - You are ORTHODOX JEW.
No - You are PROGRESSIVE JEW.
44 Is your belief system based on the Law of Attraction?
Yes - Go to 56.
No - Go to 57.
45 Do you derive philosophical conclusions from metaphysical observations?
Yes - You are THEOSOPHIST.
No - You are SPIRITUALIST.
46 Is Krishna the most important avatar?
Yes - You are HARE KRISHNA.
No - Go to 69.
47 Is feminism the most important aspect of your practice?
Yes - You are DIANIC WICCAN.
No - Go to 58.
48 Is your order founded by Aleistar Crowley?
Yes - You are THELEMA.
No - Go to 59.
49 Do you believe in cultural isolationism?
Yes - You are ODALIST.
No - Go to 60.
50 Are trees sacred to you?
Yes - You are DRUID.
No - You are CELTIC PAGAN.
51 Are your gods from Mexico?
Yes - Go to 61.
No - You are INCAN.
52 Are your gods from the Pacific?
Yes - Go to 62.
No - Go to 63.
53 Is Baha'u'lla the most important prophet?
Yes - You are BAHA'I.
No - You are BABIST.
54 Should political authority derive from religious authority?
Yes - You are SUNNI MUSLIM.
No - Go to 64.
55 Is the world around us an illusion created by our minds?
Yes - You are NEW THOUGHT.
No - Go to 86.
56 Has an ancient Atlantean warrior spirit come back to teach us?
Yes - You are RAMTHAN.
No - You are ABRAHAM-HICKS.
57 Do you believe some people are born Indigo?
Yes - You are KRYON'S SCHOOL.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
58 Do you follow a structured initiatory British tradition?
Yes - Go to 67.
No - Go to 68.
59 Does membership in your order require being a Freemason?
Yes - Go to 70.
No - Go to 97.
60 Does your religion have a hierarchial structure?
Yes - You are THEODIST.
No - You are ASATRU.
61 Are your gods from the Yukatan region?
Yes - You are MAYAN.
No - You are AZTEC.
62 Are your gods Australian?
Yes - You are ABORIGINE.
No - You are POLYNESIAN.
63 Are your gods from Africa?
Yes - You are AFRICAN ANIMIST.
No - You are OTHER PAGAN.
64 Do you seek spritual enlightenment above materialism?
Yes - You are SUFI.
No - You are SHI'ITE.
65 Do you believe in heaven and hell?
Yes - Go to 83.
No - You are CHRISTADELPHIAN.
66 Is the Pope infallible?
Yes - You are CATHOLIC.
No - Go to 73.
67 Do you follow the traditions of Alex Saunders?
Yes - You are ALEXANDRIAN WICCAN.
No - You are GARDENARIAN WICCAN.
68 Are faeries an integral part of your practice?
Yes - You are FAERIE WICCAN.
No - Go to 74.
69 Is your spiritual path based on monastic aecetic living and ritual fasting?
Yes - You are JAIN.
No - Go to 75.
70 Was your order founded around the late 19th century?
Yes - You are GOLDEN DAWN.
No - You are ROSICRUTIAN.
71 Is your church completely independent of other churches?
Yes - You are EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN.
No - You are SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST.
72 Is humanity being punished for permitting homosexuality?
Yes - You are WESTBORO BAPTIST.
No - Go to 77.
73 Can anyone interpret the Bible individually?
Yes - Go to 78.
No - Go to 79.
74 Is your ritual based on Gavin Frost?
Yes - You are CELTIC WICCAN.
No - You are UNCLASSIFED WICCAN.
75 Do you follow the Five Ks?
Yes - You are SIKH.
No - You are HINDU.
76 Should baptism be performed on adults only?
Yes - Go to 84.
No - Go to 77.
77 Do you believe in the coming of the Rapture?
Yes - Go back to 71.
No - You are FUNDAMENTALIST.
78 Do you go to a church to help you understand the Bible?
Yes - Go to 99.
No - You are QUAKER.
79 Do you follow an ancient traditional interpretation of scripture?
Yes - You are ORTHODOX CHRISTIAN.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED CHRISTIAN.
80 Do you invoke Aradia in your spells?
Yes - You are STREGHERIA.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.
81 Are you a reincarnation of a mythical being?
Yes - You are OTHERKIN.
No - Go to 82.
82 Do you rely on the guidance of spirit mediums?
Yes - Go back to 34.
No - You are UNCLASSIFIED NEW AGE.
83 Do you celebrate Christmas?
Yes - Go to 76.
No - Go to 90.
84 Is agrarian living integral to spiritual growth?
Yes - You are MENNONITE.
No - Go to 85.
85 Are things like faith-healing and speaking-in-tongues important to your faith?
Yes - You are PENTECOSTALIST.
No - You are BAPTIST.
86 Do you believe in The Exposition of the Divine Principle?
Yes - You are UNIFICATIONIST.
No - Go to 87.
87 Do you take the Bible literally?
Yes - Go back to 65.
No - Go back to 66.
88 Do you seek to create chaos and disorder?
Yes - You are DISCORDIAN.
No - You are HELLENIST.
89 Should people care more for each other than themselves?
Yes - Go to 100.
No - Go to 92.
90 Do you use electricity?
Yes - You are JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.
No - You are AMISH.
91 Are Zen and bowling important to your philosophy?
Yes - You are DUDIST.
No - You are PANTHEIST.
92 Do you perform Satanic rituals?
Yes - You are LAVEYAN.
No - You are OBJECTIVIST.
93 Do you use black magick?
Yes - Go to 95.
No - Go to 96.
95 Has Lucifer fallen from grace?
Yes - You are DEVIL-WORSHIPER.
No - You are LUCIFERIAN.
96 Do you use the Force?
Yes - You are JEDI.
No - You are UNCLASSIFED.
97 Do you use Egyptian dark magick?
Yes - You are SETIAN.
No - Go to 98.
98 Is the Loch Ness Monster important to your rituals?
Yes - You are EARTH MAGICIAN.
No - You are CHAOS MAGICIAN.
99 Does your church actively invite participation from differing belief systems?
Yes - You are C-3 EXCHANGE.
No - Go to 101.
100 Do you dress like a pirate?
Yes - You are PASTAFARIAN.
No - You are HUMANISTIC ATHEIST.
101 Are your churches overseen by an archbishop?
Yes - You are ANGLICAN.
No - Go to 102.
102 Is the Eucharist the true body of Christ?
Yes - Go to 103.
No - You are PRESBYTERIAN.
103 Do you use sacramental wine?
Yes - You are LUTHERAN.
No - You are METHODIST.
104 Do you believe in reincarnation?
Yes - You are DRUZE.
No - Go back to 41.
105 Is your preferred shrine founded by Nakayama Miki?
Yes - You are TENRIKYO.
No - You are SHINTOIST.
Wednesday, September 25, 2013
Witch Movies
Just a few thoughts on the portrayal of witches in movies. I won't be including movies where the witch is only in a minor role, or movies which I haven't seen.
MACBETH: (1611) William Shakespeare's tale of a man who assassinates a king in order to steal his throne, but eventually gets his comeuppance. The Wyrd Sisters in this play and all of its various movie adaptations have established in the popular culture the image of the three old crones chanting around the cauldron. Much of Shakespeare's inspiration was taken (allegedly) from local witch folklore of the time, including specific spells, which is one of the reasons why many people today believe that the play is cursed. The witches in this play are portrayed as not exactly evil, but simply mischievous, and upon being told by the goddess Hecate that their deeds have caused serious harm throughout the kingdom, use their same mischievous tactics to resolve the issue.
HÄXAN: (1922) This Swedish-Danish-made silent movie serial is a documentary about the witch trials of the middle ages. Although some of its historical accuracy is questionable, it does take a very mature look at how dangerous fear and superstition can be, and how lucky we are to be living in a modern age of science and reason. One criticism I have is that it leaves out the impact of Pagan religions and practices, as well as the cultural history of the Christian religions. It's sort of a "they didn't know any better" look at how all seemingly supernatural things can be scientifically explained, ignoring the fact that beliefs and practices of the supernatural still exist today.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: (1937) There have been countless variations on the old Snow White story since time immemorial (i.e. the Middle Ages), but the 1937 Disney animated version is probably the most culturally significant, not only for being the most iconic image of Snow White, but more importantly, for being the first ever feature-length animation. The evil queen in the story is fairly true to the old folk tale, in that her motivation is more about the evils of jealousy and vanity than the evils of witchcraft. I think one of the most vilifying things about her, at least to American audiences, is the fact that she is a royal authority figure, and audiences always want to root for the underdog. In other words, she's not an evil witch, but rather an evil queen who simply uses witchcraft as one of the weapons in her arsenal. This same motif can be seen in later Disney movies such as "Sleeping Beauty." Various later incarnations of the Snow White story have kept this theme.
THE WIZARD OF OZ: (1939) Silent movies about the Land of Oz started being made almost immediately following the invention of movies, and L. Frank Baum, the creator of the Oz books, had his own movie production company. The most well-known version, however, was MGM's 1939 Technicolor version starring Judy Garland. Besides winning its share of awards, establishing MGM's reputation as the company that makes lavish musicals, and becoming one of the most beloved children's classics of all time, this is the movie that cemented the image of Oz (including the image of the Wicked Witch of the West) into the popular culture. Do I really need to explain the plot? Okay, Dorothy gets swept up by a tornado to a strange land, and needs the Wizard's help to get home. There. One of the things I like about this movie is the way witches are portrayed as having the potential to use their powers for good or evil. The 1985 sequel "Return to Oz" starring Fairuza Balk, and the 2013 prequel "Oz the Great and Powerful" starring James Franco, complete the trilogy by adapting other Oz stories, but tying them into the story elements and visual styles of the 1939 version. All three movies are excellent.
I MARRIED A WITCH: (1942) In this light-hearted romantic comedy, a witch played by Veronica Lake, who was burned at the stake has just returned to take revenge on the direct descendant of her accuser. She tries to slip him a love potion with the intent of spurning him, but instead is given the love potion herself. She breaks up his intended wedding, elopes with him (inexplicably, as he had been rejecting her up until this point), and finally tells him that she is a witch, proving her power by rigging an election for him. The whole while, her father is attempting to ruin him, even briefly attempting to frame him for murder. The jokes are oddly spaced, the plot bounces all over the place, and the pacing is strange... possibly due to the fact that director Rene Clair had a background in avant-garde filmmaking. This movie's big contribution it was one of the bases for the TV series "Bewitched." In this movie, the witches are portrayed as very much inhuman. This is reinforced by the husband's reaction when he learns the truth -- first refusing to believe that witches exist, then worrying about what would happen if the secret ever got out. Again, this is similar to "Bewitched."
THE BELL, THE BOOK AND THE CANDLE: (1958) This one is a romantic comedy starring Jimmy Stewart. A witch, played by Kim Novak casts a love spell on Jimmy Stewart purely to spite his fiancé, who is an old enemy, but in the process, finds herself falling in love for real. There is also a subplot about Jack Lemon attempting to publish a book about modern witchcraft for the general public. There are some cliché elements regarding the inhumanity of witches. In the mythology of this movie, witches cannot fall in love without risking losing their powers. One thing about the movie which I do find very accurate is that there is no one "official" version of witchcraft. In this movie, witches have a very loose subculture of various occult practitioners (astrology, theosophy, herbology, etc.) all learning from one another. A researcher claims to know all there is to know, quoting a lot of medieval folklore (such as witches float in water), but Jack Lemon quickly comments how he has it "all wrong." To the movie's credit, it doesn't bother to exposit on what the "right" lore is.
BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS: (1971) A Disney movie combining live action with animation about a real witch, a fake witch and some children who use magick to fight off the Nazis. The witch in this story, played by Angela Lansbury, flies on a broom, but other than that, is a pretty good portrayal of a witch, in that she is an otherwise ordinary person, but is learning to use witchcraft through study and some trial and error. She has a natural talent which allows her to work spells that wouldn't work for other people. It's a good kids' movie, and how often do you get to use the words "Disney" and "Nazis" in the same sentence?
THE TROUBLE WITH MISS SWITCH: (1980) A made-for-TV animated children's special about a substitute teacher who is secretly a witch. In this, and it's 1982 sequel, "Miss Switch to the Rescue," follows the fairly common tradition of witches as otherworldly beings, as well as the wicked witch who threatens the good witches. Miss Switch does have the pointed hat and broom, but fortunately, does not appear green, ugly or wart-covered. Also, she has a very strict and proper style about her -- a huge departure from the medieval "debaucherous" concept of a witch.
HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH: (1982) This movie confused a lot of people, because it was not a sequel to "Halloween" or "Halloween II," but later Halloween movies continued the Michael Myers saga from the first two movies. It is also the only movie to deal with witchcraft. (So let's just ignore the first half of the title, because everyone else does.) The plot is about a modern-day Irish Druid who wants to sacrifice children (using deadly Halloween masks) to the Pagan gods on the night of Samhain. Fortunately, this doesn't attempt to represent any established neo-Pagan sects, but rather an individual attempting to restore Halloween to its Pagan origins. I applaud this movie for not trying to make up a mythology, but instead having some real facts about the origins of Halloween. (Granted, there is still a great deal not known about the Druids of ancient times, and most of what we do know about them comes from outside sources, such as the Romans.)
THE WORST WITCH: (1986) A low-budget and overly cliché made-for-TV children's story about a witch school. Fairuza Balk (again) plays a very poor student who gets picked on, but in the end, defeats a group of wicked witches. It's stupid, but it's fun. So what's the real payoff? Why is this movie so popular? Two words: Tim Curry! I mean, let's face it. Time Curry makes anything awesome.
THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK: (1987) Three small-town women (Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer) discover they have natural powers, and use them to summon their ideal man, Jack Nicholson (as his absolute most Jack Nicholson-est). After a series of misfortunes, the witches realize that Jack is the devil (or some sort of demon or evil sorcerer... it isn't really explained) and use their newfound powers to banish him. This movie doesn't get into what exactly a "witch" is, aside from having powers, which gives it a very universal quality. The only spell that is specifically explained is the use of a poppet, which is done accurately.
DRAGNET: (1987) While not a movie about witchcraft per se, it does include Pagans. Here, "Pagan" is an acronym for "People Against Normality And Goodness." The movie is basically making fun of the stiffness of the original TV series, playing the hero (Dan Aykroyd) as the old-fashioned by-the-book traditionalist. Still, in a realistic context, there are and always will be posers who consider themselves occult just for the excuse of being nonconformist.
ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK: (1988) Anyone who grew up in the 80s knows Elvira from her Movie Macabre as well as her numerous TV appearances. In this movie, Elvira plays "herself," discovering that she is the sole heir to a witches spellbook, and in the process, finds herself stuck in a small suburban town with exaggeratedly religious conservative people. The movie is both an homage to classic horror and an excuse for a lot of tit jokes. Elvira returned in 2001 for "Elvira's Haunted Hills," a parody of Roger Coreman's movie series on Edgar Allen Poe. It's never made clear if this is a sequel, prequel or a completely unrelated story with the same character.
TEEN WITCH: (1989) No, not the Wiccan instructional book by Silver Ravenwolf. Teen Witch was a pathetic attempt to do a female version of the already popular 1985 movie "Teen Wolf." It's the exact same story, except that instead of a werewolf winning the big basketball game, it's a witch winning over the hot guy... and there's rapping. Aside from just being a really stupid movie, the portrayal of witches doesn't fall into the mythological or the modern categories. She doesn't need to study or learn spells. She just suddenly has godlike powers.
WARLOCK: (1989) Another throwback to the medieval lore. A witch-hunter from the middle ages returns to stop a warlock from finding a book which can unmake the universe. The 1993 sequel "Warlock the Armageddon," focused on modern Druids. Unlike "witch" movies, the Druids are a specific sect, so I put a little more pressure on them to be authentic. In this story, the Druids are an order to prevent Satan from being unleashed onto the world, by keeping several sacred runestones safe. Eh, close enough.
THE WITCHES: (1990) This is a throwback to the fairy tale witch -- old, ugly and out to steal all the children. Their evil plans are thwarted by a boy who has been turned into a mouse. Many movie adaptations of Roald Dahl's books (Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach) are fun for all ages, but "The Witches" is clearly just intended to be a mindless children's story.
THE ADDAMS FAMILY: (1991) This movie, and its 1993 sequel, "Addams Family Values," are based on the 1964-1966 TV series, which were in turn, based on a series of New Yorker cartoons. Originally, the concept was to juxtapose classic horror characters with modern suburban society. The TV series was groundbreaking for its time (probably unintentionally) by breaking all sit-com clichés, and instead showing a psychologically normal and healthy family, who just happen to appear macabre and ghoulish and practice the occult. The subtext (and sometimes plain text) of the show was about accepting people's differences. The movies seemed to be going more for nostalgia factor as well as an indictment of superficial upper-class conformists. One of the things I love about this movie is the way that individualism and occultism are treated as common everyday things by the Addams, and if anyone doesn't like it, it's their problem.
HOCUS-POCUS: (1993) This is a return to the fairy-tale witch who is inhuman and captures children. Three witches (Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker) are brought back to life on Halloween. Despite the old tired gag of people from the past being confused by modern technology, the movie is fun. One of the major witch clichés in this movie is that it feels the need to "explain" why witches are present in the modern world, in this case, having been killed in the 17th century, but with an old curse that can bring them back to life. (At least "The Witches" explained present-day witches as simply not being apparent.)
THE CRAFT: (1996) Three teenagers dabble in witchcraft, but their power increases tremendously when they are joined by a fourth "natural" witch, played by Robin Tunney. The other three (played by Neve Campbell, Rachel True and guess who... Fairuza Balk) become corrupted with power, misuse their witchcraft, and learn a harsh lesson. All-in-all, a very good story. Where this movie really shines, however, is in it's accurate portrayal of modern witchcraft, using specifically Wiccan rituals, but never explicitly stating that this is intended as an accurate portrayal of Wicca (or even saying the word "Wicca" at any point in the movie). This is probably my favorite witch movie. I should also point out that "The Craft" was the inspiration for the 1998-2006 TV series "Charmed" (even using a song used in the movie as the opening credits theme). While I absolutely love "Charmed," the portrayal of witches is much more in line with medieval mysticism and demonology. Ironic that a TV series which portrays Wicca without calling itself "Wicca," now has the Halliwell sisters explicitly calling themselves "Wiccan," but except for a handfasting ritual in one episode, there is nothing Wicca-related in the entire series. Their practices have much more in common with Rose Cross or Golden Dawn or variants or even Santeria.
CASPER MEETS WENDY: (1998) Didn't see it.
PRACTICAL MAGIC: (1998) A romantic comedy with a few horror elements. Two sisters (Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman) look for love, exorcise an evil spirit, and seek to gain acceptance in the community. I love this movie. The portrayal of witches is a pretty accurate fam-trad, acknowledging the variety of witchcraft practices in the community.
HALLOWEENTOWN: (1998) You know those annoyingly colorful and happy Halloween decorations you seen on the homes of families with very young children? Imagine a whole movie like that. The characters are cartoonish, and the entire mythology of witches, vampires, werewolves, fairies, etc. all seem to have been reverse-engineered from children's costumes. Basically, an evil force has been taking over the town, and the only way to break the curse is for a group of children to light the magic jack-o-lantern. It's pretty stupid.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: (1999) Even if you haven't seen it, you pretty much know that it's a lot of running with a shaky hand camera, following a "witch" who is really just a local urban legend. It's trying to be another "Final Broadcast," but without the analysis to make it interesting. The "witch" is never even seen. It's basically a novelty that might have worked better as a short film than a feature. The 2000 sequel, "Book of Shadows, Blair Witch II," is more like a real movie, but has its share of what-the-fuck-is-going-on problems. One of the characters in this movie is explicitly Wiccan, and this is my main pet peeve with this movie. The Wiccan character is a little TOO accurate. She's the typical self-important, uneducated, ill-informed, ultra-liberal, anti-establishment, preachy, blame-the-Christians-for-everything, fluffy bunny. Unlike "The Craft," however, the young and inexperienced Wiccan isn't corrected. Instead, she's just one of the victims of whatever-is-going-on. The movie puts forth the worst example of a Wiccan, but framed as if this were the BEST example. It's unintentionally insulting.
HARRY POTTER MOVIES: (2001-2011) This series is about a young boy (Daniel Radcliff) who finds out he is a wizard. (I have to wonder, if he wears a pointed hat and rides a broom, why not just call him a "witch?") He grows up at Hogwarts, facing the evil forces of Voldemort. It's a cool adventure story with coming-of-age elements, and my only real criticism of the series is that it's a little too long and drawn out for my tastes. There's nothing to say about accurate portrayals, because it doesn't pretend to be anything more than a fantasy.
BEWITCHED: (2005) This movie starring Will Ferrel and Nicole Kidman (again?) is mostly a parody of the original 1964-1972 TV series starring Elizabeth Montgomery. The original TV series cemented the term "warlock" for male witches in the public consciousness (much to my chagrin), and like "Teen Witch" portrayed witches as being almost omnipotent. (This carried over into the 1977-1978 spinoff series "Tabitha.") Still, this was a good portrayal of witchcraft in a positive light, and the movie adaptation had a strong nostalgia factor for the original series (despite Will Ferrel's scenery-chewing).
THE BROTHERS GRIMM: (2005) The Brothers Grimm were cultural historians who compiled local legends of witches and monsters. In this adaptation, they're a couple of con artists who pass themselves off as witch-hunters, but meet their match when they encounter a real witch, who embodies a combination of several Grimm tales. The movie is an innovative update to the old legends.
CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE: (2005) This is a difficult movie to classify. The story of four children who walk through a wardrobe into a magical realm is intended as a metaphor for the story of Jesus Christ, in which the lion Aslan represents Jesus and the White Witch represents Satan. As far as storytelling goes, the rules are pointlessly complicated and the character motives make little to no sense, at least, without the events in the story having a religious context. Basically, I need the Jesus story in order to clarify the Narnia story. As for the witch, she is exactly what one would expect from a Christian traditionalist interpretation of Satan -- corrupting people for its own sake, and then punishing them for it later, being both the instigator and the prosecutor. I don't think this is necessarily intended to be an indictment of witchcraft as evil (or especially of "white" witchcraft), but rather using the familiar image of a witch as the villain of a children's story. I don't think the writers even considered that witches exist anywhere outside of fairy tales. As for the sequels, I haven't seen them.
STARDUST: (2007) This movie has all the style and imagination you would expect from a Neil Gaiman story. A young man finds love in a fallen star (Claire Danes) after entering a strange land. In two overlapping subplots, a group of heirs to the throne fight amongst each other over a necklace in the star's possession, and a group of witches attempt to steal the star's heart to regain their youth. The main witch in this movie, played by Michelle Pfeiffer (once again), changes between a young and beautiful sorceress and a wicked old crone, reminiscent of the evil queen from Snow White.
DARK SHADOWS: (2012) Based on the 1966-1971 TV series, and adapted by Tim Burton, this is the story of a vampire played by Johnny Depp (because, as I said, it's a Tim Burton movie), who was cursed by a witch. Unlike the original series (as well as the 1991 reboot), which took itself very seriously, the 2012 movie is played mostly for laughs. Many critics have called this Tim Burton's worst movie, but I like it. The witch in this movie is a jilted lover who learned the art of witchcraft purely for revenge and personal gain. Johnny Depp also studies the occult in order to protect himself and his family. Here, witchcraft is seen as being simply a tool which can be used for good or ill, which is very accurate. The witch becomes inhuman, for the most part, but this is apparently only an after-effect of her immortality spell.
Those are about all the ones that I've been thinking about recently. I'm sure there will be more to follow.
MACBETH: (1611) William Shakespeare's tale of a man who assassinates a king in order to steal his throne, but eventually gets his comeuppance. The Wyrd Sisters in this play and all of its various movie adaptations have established in the popular culture the image of the three old crones chanting around the cauldron. Much of Shakespeare's inspiration was taken (allegedly) from local witch folklore of the time, including specific spells, which is one of the reasons why many people today believe that the play is cursed. The witches in this play are portrayed as not exactly evil, but simply mischievous, and upon being told by the goddess Hecate that their deeds have caused serious harm throughout the kingdom, use their same mischievous tactics to resolve the issue.
HÄXAN: (1922) This Swedish-Danish-made silent movie serial is a documentary about the witch trials of the middle ages. Although some of its historical accuracy is questionable, it does take a very mature look at how dangerous fear and superstition can be, and how lucky we are to be living in a modern age of science and reason. One criticism I have is that it leaves out the impact of Pagan religions and practices, as well as the cultural history of the Christian religions. It's sort of a "they didn't know any better" look at how all seemingly supernatural things can be scientifically explained, ignoring the fact that beliefs and practices of the supernatural still exist today.
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS: (1937) There have been countless variations on the old Snow White story since time immemorial (i.e. the Middle Ages), but the 1937 Disney animated version is probably the most culturally significant, not only for being the most iconic image of Snow White, but more importantly, for being the first ever feature-length animation. The evil queen in the story is fairly true to the old folk tale, in that her motivation is more about the evils of jealousy and vanity than the evils of witchcraft. I think one of the most vilifying things about her, at least to American audiences, is the fact that she is a royal authority figure, and audiences always want to root for the underdog. In other words, she's not an evil witch, but rather an evil queen who simply uses witchcraft as one of the weapons in her arsenal. This same motif can be seen in later Disney movies such as "Sleeping Beauty." Various later incarnations of the Snow White story have kept this theme.
THE WIZARD OF OZ: (1939) Silent movies about the Land of Oz started being made almost immediately following the invention of movies, and L. Frank Baum, the creator of the Oz books, had his own movie production company. The most well-known version, however, was MGM's 1939 Technicolor version starring Judy Garland. Besides winning its share of awards, establishing MGM's reputation as the company that makes lavish musicals, and becoming one of the most beloved children's classics of all time, this is the movie that cemented the image of Oz (including the image of the Wicked Witch of the West) into the popular culture. Do I really need to explain the plot? Okay, Dorothy gets swept up by a tornado to a strange land, and needs the Wizard's help to get home. There. One of the things I like about this movie is the way witches are portrayed as having the potential to use their powers for good or evil. The 1985 sequel "Return to Oz" starring Fairuza Balk, and the 2013 prequel "Oz the Great and Powerful" starring James Franco, complete the trilogy by adapting other Oz stories, but tying them into the story elements and visual styles of the 1939 version. All three movies are excellent.
I MARRIED A WITCH: (1942) In this light-hearted romantic comedy, a witch played by Veronica Lake, who was burned at the stake has just returned to take revenge on the direct descendant of her accuser. She tries to slip him a love potion with the intent of spurning him, but instead is given the love potion herself. She breaks up his intended wedding, elopes with him (inexplicably, as he had been rejecting her up until this point), and finally tells him that she is a witch, proving her power by rigging an election for him. The whole while, her father is attempting to ruin him, even briefly attempting to frame him for murder. The jokes are oddly spaced, the plot bounces all over the place, and the pacing is strange... possibly due to the fact that director Rene Clair had a background in avant-garde filmmaking. This movie's big contribution it was one of the bases for the TV series "Bewitched." In this movie, the witches are portrayed as very much inhuman. This is reinforced by the husband's reaction when he learns the truth -- first refusing to believe that witches exist, then worrying about what would happen if the secret ever got out. Again, this is similar to "Bewitched."
THE BELL, THE BOOK AND THE CANDLE: (1958) This one is a romantic comedy starring Jimmy Stewart. A witch, played by Kim Novak casts a love spell on Jimmy Stewart purely to spite his fiancé, who is an old enemy, but in the process, finds herself falling in love for real. There is also a subplot about Jack Lemon attempting to publish a book about modern witchcraft for the general public. There are some cliché elements regarding the inhumanity of witches. In the mythology of this movie, witches cannot fall in love without risking losing their powers. One thing about the movie which I do find very accurate is that there is no one "official" version of witchcraft. In this movie, witches have a very loose subculture of various occult practitioners (astrology, theosophy, herbology, etc.) all learning from one another. A researcher claims to know all there is to know, quoting a lot of medieval folklore (such as witches float in water), but Jack Lemon quickly comments how he has it "all wrong." To the movie's credit, it doesn't bother to exposit on what the "right" lore is.
BEDKNOBS AND BROOMSTICKS: (1971) A Disney movie combining live action with animation about a real witch, a fake witch and some children who use magick to fight off the Nazis. The witch in this story, played by Angela Lansbury, flies on a broom, but other than that, is a pretty good portrayal of a witch, in that she is an otherwise ordinary person, but is learning to use witchcraft through study and some trial and error. She has a natural talent which allows her to work spells that wouldn't work for other people. It's a good kids' movie, and how often do you get to use the words "Disney" and "Nazis" in the same sentence?
THE TROUBLE WITH MISS SWITCH: (1980) A made-for-TV animated children's special about a substitute teacher who is secretly a witch. In this, and it's 1982 sequel, "Miss Switch to the Rescue," follows the fairly common tradition of witches as otherworldly beings, as well as the wicked witch who threatens the good witches. Miss Switch does have the pointed hat and broom, but fortunately, does not appear green, ugly or wart-covered. Also, she has a very strict and proper style about her -- a huge departure from the medieval "debaucherous" concept of a witch.
HALLOWEEN III: SEASON OF THE WITCH: (1982) This movie confused a lot of people, because it was not a sequel to "Halloween" or "Halloween II," but later Halloween movies continued the Michael Myers saga from the first two movies. It is also the only movie to deal with witchcraft. (So let's just ignore the first half of the title, because everyone else does.) The plot is about a modern-day Irish Druid who wants to sacrifice children (using deadly Halloween masks) to the Pagan gods on the night of Samhain. Fortunately, this doesn't attempt to represent any established neo-Pagan sects, but rather an individual attempting to restore Halloween to its Pagan origins. I applaud this movie for not trying to make up a mythology, but instead having some real facts about the origins of Halloween. (Granted, there is still a great deal not known about the Druids of ancient times, and most of what we do know about them comes from outside sources, such as the Romans.)
THE WORST WITCH: (1986) A low-budget and overly cliché made-for-TV children's story about a witch school. Fairuza Balk (again) plays a very poor student who gets picked on, but in the end, defeats a group of wicked witches. It's stupid, but it's fun. So what's the real payoff? Why is this movie so popular? Two words: Tim Curry! I mean, let's face it. Time Curry makes anything awesome.
THE WITCHES OF EASTWICK: (1987) Three small-town women (Cher, Susan Sarandon and Michelle Pfeiffer) discover they have natural powers, and use them to summon their ideal man, Jack Nicholson (as his absolute most Jack Nicholson-est). After a series of misfortunes, the witches realize that Jack is the devil (or some sort of demon or evil sorcerer... it isn't really explained) and use their newfound powers to banish him. This movie doesn't get into what exactly a "witch" is, aside from having powers, which gives it a very universal quality. The only spell that is specifically explained is the use of a poppet, which is done accurately.
DRAGNET: (1987) While not a movie about witchcraft per se, it does include Pagans. Here, "Pagan" is an acronym for "People Against Normality And Goodness." The movie is basically making fun of the stiffness of the original TV series, playing the hero (Dan Aykroyd) as the old-fashioned by-the-book traditionalist. Still, in a realistic context, there are and always will be posers who consider themselves occult just for the excuse of being nonconformist.
ELVIRA, MISTRESS OF THE DARK: (1988) Anyone who grew up in the 80s knows Elvira from her Movie Macabre as well as her numerous TV appearances. In this movie, Elvira plays "herself," discovering that she is the sole heir to a witches spellbook, and in the process, finds herself stuck in a small suburban town with exaggeratedly religious conservative people. The movie is both an homage to classic horror and an excuse for a lot of tit jokes. Elvira returned in 2001 for "Elvira's Haunted Hills," a parody of Roger Coreman's movie series on Edgar Allen Poe. It's never made clear if this is a sequel, prequel or a completely unrelated story with the same character.
TEEN WITCH: (1989) No, not the Wiccan instructional book by Silver Ravenwolf. Teen Witch was a pathetic attempt to do a female version of the already popular 1985 movie "Teen Wolf." It's the exact same story, except that instead of a werewolf winning the big basketball game, it's a witch winning over the hot guy... and there's rapping. Aside from just being a really stupid movie, the portrayal of witches doesn't fall into the mythological or the modern categories. She doesn't need to study or learn spells. She just suddenly has godlike powers.
WARLOCK: (1989) Another throwback to the medieval lore. A witch-hunter from the middle ages returns to stop a warlock from finding a book which can unmake the universe. The 1993 sequel "Warlock the Armageddon," focused on modern Druids. Unlike "witch" movies, the Druids are a specific sect, so I put a little more pressure on them to be authentic. In this story, the Druids are an order to prevent Satan from being unleashed onto the world, by keeping several sacred runestones safe. Eh, close enough.
THE WITCHES: (1990) This is a throwback to the fairy tale witch -- old, ugly and out to steal all the children. Their evil plans are thwarted by a boy who has been turned into a mouse. Many movie adaptations of Roald Dahl's books (Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach) are fun for all ages, but "The Witches" is clearly just intended to be a mindless children's story.
THE ADDAMS FAMILY: (1991) This movie, and its 1993 sequel, "Addams Family Values," are based on the 1964-1966 TV series, which were in turn, based on a series of New Yorker cartoons. Originally, the concept was to juxtapose classic horror characters with modern suburban society. The TV series was groundbreaking for its time (probably unintentionally) by breaking all sit-com clichés, and instead showing a psychologically normal and healthy family, who just happen to appear macabre and ghoulish and practice the occult. The subtext (and sometimes plain text) of the show was about accepting people's differences. The movies seemed to be going more for nostalgia factor as well as an indictment of superficial upper-class conformists. One of the things I love about this movie is the way that individualism and occultism are treated as common everyday things by the Addams, and if anyone doesn't like it, it's their problem.
HOCUS-POCUS: (1993) This is a return to the fairy-tale witch who is inhuman and captures children. Three witches (Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy and Sarah Jessica Parker) are brought back to life on Halloween. Despite the old tired gag of people from the past being confused by modern technology, the movie is fun. One of the major witch clichés in this movie is that it feels the need to "explain" why witches are present in the modern world, in this case, having been killed in the 17th century, but with an old curse that can bring them back to life. (At least "The Witches" explained present-day witches as simply not being apparent.)
THE CRAFT: (1996) Three teenagers dabble in witchcraft, but their power increases tremendously when they are joined by a fourth "natural" witch, played by Robin Tunney. The other three (played by Neve Campbell, Rachel True and guess who... Fairuza Balk) become corrupted with power, misuse their witchcraft, and learn a harsh lesson. All-in-all, a very good story. Where this movie really shines, however, is in it's accurate portrayal of modern witchcraft, using specifically Wiccan rituals, but never explicitly stating that this is intended as an accurate portrayal of Wicca (or even saying the word "Wicca" at any point in the movie). This is probably my favorite witch movie. I should also point out that "The Craft" was the inspiration for the 1998-2006 TV series "Charmed" (even using a song used in the movie as the opening credits theme). While I absolutely love "Charmed," the portrayal of witches is much more in line with medieval mysticism and demonology. Ironic that a TV series which portrays Wicca without calling itself "Wicca," now has the Halliwell sisters explicitly calling themselves "Wiccan," but except for a handfasting ritual in one episode, there is nothing Wicca-related in the entire series. Their practices have much more in common with Rose Cross or Golden Dawn or variants or even Santeria.
CASPER MEETS WENDY: (1998) Didn't see it.
PRACTICAL MAGIC: (1998) A romantic comedy with a few horror elements. Two sisters (Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman) look for love, exorcise an evil spirit, and seek to gain acceptance in the community. I love this movie. The portrayal of witches is a pretty accurate fam-trad, acknowledging the variety of witchcraft practices in the community.
HALLOWEENTOWN: (1998) You know those annoyingly colorful and happy Halloween decorations you seen on the homes of families with very young children? Imagine a whole movie like that. The characters are cartoonish, and the entire mythology of witches, vampires, werewolves, fairies, etc. all seem to have been reverse-engineered from children's costumes. Basically, an evil force has been taking over the town, and the only way to break the curse is for a group of children to light the magic jack-o-lantern. It's pretty stupid.
THE BLAIR WITCH PROJECT: (1999) Even if you haven't seen it, you pretty much know that it's a lot of running with a shaky hand camera, following a "witch" who is really just a local urban legend. It's trying to be another "Final Broadcast," but without the analysis to make it interesting. The "witch" is never even seen. It's basically a novelty that might have worked better as a short film than a feature. The 2000 sequel, "Book of Shadows, Blair Witch II," is more like a real movie, but has its share of what-the-fuck-is-going-on problems. One of the characters in this movie is explicitly Wiccan, and this is my main pet peeve with this movie. The Wiccan character is a little TOO accurate. She's the typical self-important, uneducated, ill-informed, ultra-liberal, anti-establishment, preachy, blame-the-Christians-for-everything, fluffy bunny. Unlike "The Craft," however, the young and inexperienced Wiccan isn't corrected. Instead, she's just one of the victims of whatever-is-going-on. The movie puts forth the worst example of a Wiccan, but framed as if this were the BEST example. It's unintentionally insulting.
HARRY POTTER MOVIES: (2001-2011) This series is about a young boy (Daniel Radcliff) who finds out he is a wizard. (I have to wonder, if he wears a pointed hat and rides a broom, why not just call him a "witch?") He grows up at Hogwarts, facing the evil forces of Voldemort. It's a cool adventure story with coming-of-age elements, and my only real criticism of the series is that it's a little too long and drawn out for my tastes. There's nothing to say about accurate portrayals, because it doesn't pretend to be anything more than a fantasy.
BEWITCHED: (2005) This movie starring Will Ferrel and Nicole Kidman (again?) is mostly a parody of the original 1964-1972 TV series starring Elizabeth Montgomery. The original TV series cemented the term "warlock" for male witches in the public consciousness (much to my chagrin), and like "Teen Witch" portrayed witches as being almost omnipotent. (This carried over into the 1977-1978 spinoff series "Tabitha.") Still, this was a good portrayal of witchcraft in a positive light, and the movie adaptation had a strong nostalgia factor for the original series (despite Will Ferrel's scenery-chewing).
THE BROTHERS GRIMM: (2005) The Brothers Grimm were cultural historians who compiled local legends of witches and monsters. In this adaptation, they're a couple of con artists who pass themselves off as witch-hunters, but meet their match when they encounter a real witch, who embodies a combination of several Grimm tales. The movie is an innovative update to the old legends.
CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: THE LION, THE WITCH AND THE WARDROBE: (2005) This is a difficult movie to classify. The story of four children who walk through a wardrobe into a magical realm is intended as a metaphor for the story of Jesus Christ, in which the lion Aslan represents Jesus and the White Witch represents Satan. As far as storytelling goes, the rules are pointlessly complicated and the character motives make little to no sense, at least, without the events in the story having a religious context. Basically, I need the Jesus story in order to clarify the Narnia story. As for the witch, she is exactly what one would expect from a Christian traditionalist interpretation of Satan -- corrupting people for its own sake, and then punishing them for it later, being both the instigator and the prosecutor. I don't think this is necessarily intended to be an indictment of witchcraft as evil (or especially of "white" witchcraft), but rather using the familiar image of a witch as the villain of a children's story. I don't think the writers even considered that witches exist anywhere outside of fairy tales. As for the sequels, I haven't seen them.
STARDUST: (2007) This movie has all the style and imagination you would expect from a Neil Gaiman story. A young man finds love in a fallen star (Claire Danes) after entering a strange land. In two overlapping subplots, a group of heirs to the throne fight amongst each other over a necklace in the star's possession, and a group of witches attempt to steal the star's heart to regain their youth. The main witch in this movie, played by Michelle Pfeiffer (once again), changes between a young and beautiful sorceress and a wicked old crone, reminiscent of the evil queen from Snow White.
DARK SHADOWS: (2012) Based on the 1966-1971 TV series, and adapted by Tim Burton, this is the story of a vampire played by Johnny Depp (because, as I said, it's a Tim Burton movie), who was cursed by a witch. Unlike the original series (as well as the 1991 reboot), which took itself very seriously, the 2012 movie is played mostly for laughs. Many critics have called this Tim Burton's worst movie, but I like it. The witch in this movie is a jilted lover who learned the art of witchcraft purely for revenge and personal gain. Johnny Depp also studies the occult in order to protect himself and his family. Here, witchcraft is seen as being simply a tool which can be used for good or ill, which is very accurate. The witch becomes inhuman, for the most part, but this is apparently only an after-effect of her immortality spell.
Those are about all the ones that I've been thinking about recently. I'm sure there will be more to follow.
Sunday, September 15, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
History in the Form of Song Lyrics
HISTORY IN THE FORM OF SONG LYRICS:
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state. Then nearly fourteen billion years ago, expansion started. Wait. (Barenaked Ladies)
I'm comin' out, so you better get this party started. (Pink)
Cloudy. My thoughts are scattered and they're cloudy. They have no borders, no boundaries. (Simon & Garfunkel)
Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and gray. (Don McLean)
And superstars get sucked into the supermassive. (Muse)
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars. It's a hundred thousand light years side to side. It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light years thick, but out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide. (Eric Idle)
Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky. (Oasis)
All we are is dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind. (Kansas)
Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I say it's all right. (The Beatles)
Ooh, hot lava. Ooh, hot lava. (The B-52s)
I've seen a bad moon rising. (Creedence Clearwater)
Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a tragedy. (Eurythmics)
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. (Johnny Nash)
I'm alive, and the world shines for me today. I'm alive. Suddenly, I am here today. (Electric Light Orchestra)
I got bugs. I got bugs in my room. (Pearl Jam)
Fish heads, fish heads, rolly-polly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads. Eat them up. Yum. (Barnes and Barnes)
She's got legs, and she knows how to use 'em. (ZZ Top)
Open the door. Get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur. Open the door. Get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur. (Was Was Not)
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. (REM)
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice baby. (Vanilla Ice)
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. (The Bloodhound Gang)
Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games. (Guns'N'Roses)
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees, and people say we monkey around. (The Monkees)
So, stand in the place where you are. (REM)
It's rainin' men. Hallelujah, it's rainin' men. (The Weather Girls)
Come on, baby, light my fire. (The Doors)
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. (Peter Paul and Mary)
Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones. (Flintstones)
I'm a traveling man, who's made a lot of stops all over the world. (Rick Nelson)
North to Alaska. (Johnny Horton)
Old MacDonald had a farm, ee ie ee ie oh. (Traditional)
What goes up must come down. Spinnin' wheel got to go round. (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
Stonehenge! Where the demons dwell, where the banshees live and they do live well. Stonehenge! Where a man's a man, and the children dance to the Pipes of Pan. (Spinal Tap)
Walk like an Egyptian. Walk like an Egyptian. (The Bangles)
We're the Mesopotamians. Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal, and Gilgamesh. (They Might Be Giants)
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, King Tut. (Steve Martin)
You came in through the door like a Trojan Horse. You came onto the floor like a Trojan Horse. (Luv)
I am iron man. (Black Sabbath)
The Lord, by Moses, to Pharaoh, said, oh, let my people go. If not, I'll smite your first-born dead. Oh, let my people go. (Traditional)
Caesar never got them back, 'cause they killed his ass in the second act. Brutus spoke, then Anthony said, 'My girlfriend's cat is smarter than me. Friends, Romans, can't you see? My girlfriend's cat is smarter than me.' (Spin Doctors)
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Jesus Christ. Superstar. Do you think you're what they say you are? (Jesus Christ Superstar)
Sharia don't like it. Rock the Casbah. Rock the Casbah. By order of the Prophet, we ban that boogie sound. Degenerate the faithful with that crazy Casbah sound. (The Clash)
Hell awaits behind Gaul's gates. The Roman's stand only to fall. They will die by his sword, the barbarian lord. Attila hears victory call. (Iced Earth)
Darkness imprisoning me. All that I see, absolute horror. (Metallica)
Myriad lights. They said I'd be impressed. Arabian nights, at your primitive best. (Siouxsie and the Banshees)
I come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow. Hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands to fight the hoards that sing and cry 'Valhalla, I am coming.' (Led Zeppelin)
Christian sons with hearts of anger bring the book, the cross, the chancre. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Kiss the cross or they will burn ya. Hallelujah, hallelujah. They have come to rape and murder. (Inkubus Sukkubus)
The Inquisition. What a show. The Inquisition. Here we go. I know you're wishin' that we'd go away, but the Inquisition's here, and it's here to stay. (Mel Brooks)
Lion- Lionheart, defender of the faith. Lion- Lionheart, protector of the state. Lionheart. (Saxon)
Genghis Khan, he could not keep all his kings supplied with sleep. (Bob Dylan)
A place where nobody dared to go, the love that we came to know. They call it Xanadu. (Olivia Newton-John)
The bell tolls. The black plague has struck. Diseased eyes roll upwards, as if knowing which direction their souls will travel. (The Animals)
Take a look. It's in a book. A reading rainbow. (Reading Rainbow Theme)
A whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming. (Aladdin)
From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli. (Marines)
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eight, I am, I am. (Herman's Hermits)
Well, to be or not to be? To be or not to be? Am gonna have you for me?
I call on the resting soul of Galileo, king of night-vision, king of insight. (Indigo Girls)
Living in America. I live in America. (James Brown)
We're not gonna take it. No, we ain't gonna take it. We're not gonna take it anymore. (Twisted Sister)
We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin'. There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more, and they begin to runnin' down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. (Johnny Horton)
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. (Traditional)
My, my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. (Abba)
I don't need your civil war. It feeds the rich while it buries the poor. (Guns'N'Roses)
It's such a change for us to live so independently. Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully. Just look about. You owe it to yourself to check it out. Can't you feel a brand new day? Can't you feel a brand new day? (The Wiz)
I've been workin' on the railroad all the live-long day. (Traditional)
Then from dawn till setting sun, he practiced with that deadly gun, and hour on hour I watched in awe. No human being could match the draw of Ringo. (Lorne Greene)
In the factories and mills, in the shipyards and mines, we've often been told to keep up with the times. For our skills are not needed. They've streamlined the job, and with sliderule and stopwatch our pride they have robbed. (Dropkick Murphys)
We gonna rock down to electric avenue, and then we'll take you higher. (Eddie Grant)
Here in my car, I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors. It's the only way to live, in cars. (Gary Numan)
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. (R. Kelly)
Hooray for Hollywood! That screwy ballyhooey Hollywood. (Doris Day)
She blinded me with science. She blinded me with science. (Thomas Dolby)
War, huh, good god, y'all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. (Edwin Starr)
We've been spending most our lives living in a gangster's paradise. (Coolio)
I ain't got no money, but I sure got a whole lotta love. (Bob Seger)
It's springtime for Hitler and Germany. Winter for Poland and France. (Mel Brooks)
Atomic, oh atomic. (Blondie)
Back in the US- back in the US- back in the USSR. (The Beatles)
Living in the plastic age. Plastic age. (The Buggles)
Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. (The Buggles)
Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land, Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion, Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania, Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson, Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex, J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say! (Billy Joel)
And it's one, two, three, what are we fightin' for? Don't ask me. I don't give a damn. Next stop is Vietnam. (Country Joe and the Fish)
By the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong. (Joni Mitchell)
Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. (Frank Sinatra)
Don't turn around, uh-oh. Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh. (After the Fire)
I want my... I want my... I want my MTV. (Dire Straits)
Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall! (Pink Floyd)
What ya wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code-crackers? Slackers? Wastin' time with all the chat room yackers? Nine-to-five, chillin' at Hewlett-Packard? (Weird Al Yankovic)
It's early fall. There's a cloud in the New York skyline. Innocence dragged across a yellow line. (U2)
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now, it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. (The Beatles)
Right now, hey, it's your tomorrow. Right now, come on, it's everything. Right now, catch a magic moment, do it, right here and now. (Van Halen)
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You're only a day away. (Annie)
Things are goin' great, and it's only gettin' better. I'm doin' all right, and gettin' good grades. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. I gotta wear shades. (Timbuk 3)
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. (Styx)
Star Trekkin' across the universe, on the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. (The Firm)
We're hoppin' star to star through the galaxy. We're flyin' high. Let the world pass us by from here to eternity. To eternity. (Brian Setzer Orchestra)
Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain. Black hole sun, black hole sun, won't you come. (Soundgarden)
This is the end, my only friend, the end. (The Doors)
Let's do the time warp again! (Richard O'Brien)
You go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel's goin' round and round. You go back, Jack, do it again. (Steely Dan)
And it all started with a big bang. (Barenaked Ladies)
Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state. Then nearly fourteen billion years ago, expansion started. Wait. (Barenaked Ladies)
I'm comin' out, so you better get this party started. (Pink)
Cloudy. My thoughts are scattered and they're cloudy. They have no borders, no boundaries. (Simon & Garfunkel)
Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and gray. (Don McLean)
And superstars get sucked into the supermassive. (Muse)
Our galaxy itself contains a hundred billion stars. It's a hundred thousand light years side to side. It bulges in the middle sixteen thousand light years thick, but out by us, it's just three thousand light years wide. (Eric Idle)
Someday you will find me caught beneath the landslide, in a champagne supernova in the sky. (Oasis)
All we are is dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind. (Kansas)
Here comes the sun. Here comes the sun, and I say it's all right. (The Beatles)
Ooh, hot lava. Ooh, hot lava. (The B-52s)
I've seen a bad moon rising. (Creedence Clearwater)
Here comes the rain again, falling on my head like a tragedy. (Eurythmics)
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone. (Johnny Nash)
I'm alive, and the world shines for me today. I'm alive. Suddenly, I am here today. (Electric Light Orchestra)
I got bugs. I got bugs in my room. (Pearl Jam)
Fish heads, fish heads, rolly-polly fish heads. Fish heads, fish heads. Eat them up. Yum. (Barnes and Barnes)
She's got legs, and she knows how to use 'em. (ZZ Top)
Open the door. Get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur. Open the door. Get on the floor. Everybody walk the dinosaur. (Was Was Not)
It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine. (REM)
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice baby. (Vanilla Ice)
You and me, baby, ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. (The Bloodhound Gang)
Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games. (Guns'N'Roses)
Hey, hey, we're the Monkees, and people say we monkey around. (The Monkees)
So, stand in the place where you are. (REM)
It's rainin' men. Hallelujah, it's rainin' men. (The Weather Girls)
Come on, baby, light my fire. (The Doors)
If I had a hammer, I'd hammer in the morning. (Peter Paul and Mary)
Flintstones. Meet the Flintstones. (Flintstones)
I'm a traveling man, who's made a lot of stops all over the world. (Rick Nelson)
North to Alaska. (Johnny Horton)
Old MacDonald had a farm, ee ie ee ie oh. (Traditional)
What goes up must come down. Spinnin' wheel got to go round. (Blood, Sweat and Tears)
Stonehenge! Where the demons dwell, where the banshees live and they do live well. Stonehenge! Where a man's a man, and the children dance to the Pipes of Pan. (Spinal Tap)
Walk like an Egyptian. Walk like an Egyptian. (The Bangles)
We're the Mesopotamians. Sargon, Hammurabi, Ashurbanipal, and Gilgamesh. (They Might Be Giants)
Born in Arizona, moved to Babylonia, King Tut. (Steve Martin)
You came in through the door like a Trojan Horse. You came onto the floor like a Trojan Horse. (Luv)
I am iron man. (Black Sabbath)
The Lord, by Moses, to Pharaoh, said, oh, let my people go. If not, I'll smite your first-born dead. Oh, let my people go. (Traditional)
Waiting for a sign to turn blood into wine. The sweet taste in your mouth turned bitter in its glass. Israel. In Israel. Israel. In Israel. (Siouxsie and the Banshees)
Smile on, little Buddha, smile on. (Toad the Wet Sprocket)
Near to the east, in a part of ancient Greece, in an ancient land called Macedonia, was born a son to Phillip of Macedon, the legend, his name was Alexander. (Iron Maiden)Smile on, little Buddha, smile on. (Toad the Wet Sprocket)
Caesar never got them back, 'cause they killed his ass in the second act. Brutus spoke, then Anthony said, 'My girlfriend's cat is smarter than me. Friends, Romans, can't you see? My girlfriend's cat is smarter than me.' (Spin Doctors)
Jesus Christ, Jesus Christ. Who are you? What have you sacrificed? Jesus Christ. Superstar. Do you think you're what they say you are? (Jesus Christ Superstar)
Sharia don't like it. Rock the Casbah. Rock the Casbah. By order of the Prophet, we ban that boogie sound. Degenerate the faithful with that crazy Casbah sound. (The Clash)
Hell awaits behind Gaul's gates. The Roman's stand only to fall. They will die by his sword, the barbarian lord. Attila hears victory call. (Iced Earth)
Darkness imprisoning me. All that I see, absolute horror. (Metallica)
Myriad lights. They said I'd be impressed. Arabian nights, at your primitive best. (Siouxsie and the Banshees)
I come from the land of the ice and snow, from the midnight sun, where the hot springs flow. Hammer of the gods will drive our ships to new lands to fight the hoards that sing and cry 'Valhalla, I am coming.' (Led Zeppelin)
Christian sons with hearts of anger bring the book, the cross, the chancre. Hallelujah, hallelujah. Kiss the cross or they will burn ya. Hallelujah, hallelujah. They have come to rape and murder. (Inkubus Sukkubus)
The Inquisition. What a show. The Inquisition. Here we go. I know you're wishin' that we'd go away, but the Inquisition's here, and it's here to stay. (Mel Brooks)
Lion- Lionheart, defender of the faith. Lion- Lionheart, protector of the state. Lionheart. (Saxon)
Genghis Khan, he could not keep all his kings supplied with sleep. (Bob Dylan)
A place where nobody dared to go, the love that we came to know. They call it Xanadu. (Olivia Newton-John)
The bell tolls. The black plague has struck. Diseased eyes roll upwards, as if knowing which direction their souls will travel. (The Animals)
Take a look. It's in a book. A reading rainbow. (Reading Rainbow Theme)
A whole new world. A new fantastic point of view. No one to tell us no, or where to go, or say we're only dreaming. (Aladdin)
From the halls of Montezuma, to the shores of Tripoli. (Marines)
I'm Henry the Eighth, I am. Henry the Eight, I am, I am. (Herman's Hermits)
Well, to be or not to be? To be or not to be? Am gonna have you for me?
I call on the resting soul of Galileo, king of night-vision, king of insight. (Indigo Girls)
Living in America. I live in America. (James Brown)
We're not gonna take it. No, we ain't gonna take it. We're not gonna take it anymore. (Twisted Sister)
We fired our guns and the British kept a'comin'. There wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago. We fired once more, and they begin to runnin' down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. (Johnny Horton)
Fifteen men on a dead man's chest. Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum. (Traditional)
My, my, at Waterloo, Napoleon did surrender. (Abba)
I don't need your civil war. It feeds the rich while it buries the poor. (Guns'N'Roses)
It's such a change for us to live so independently. Freedom, you see, has got our hearts singing so joyfully. Just look about. You owe it to yourself to check it out. Can't you feel a brand new day? Can't you feel a brand new day? (The Wiz)
I've been workin' on the railroad all the live-long day. (Traditional)
Then from dawn till setting sun, he practiced with that deadly gun, and hour on hour I watched in awe. No human being could match the draw of Ringo. (Lorne Greene)
In the factories and mills, in the shipyards and mines, we've often been told to keep up with the times. For our skills are not needed. They've streamlined the job, and with sliderule and stopwatch our pride they have robbed. (Dropkick Murphys)
We gonna rock down to electric avenue, and then we'll take you higher. (Eddie Grant)
Here in my car, I feel safest of all. I can lock all my doors. It's the only way to live, in cars. (Gary Numan)
I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. (R. Kelly)
Hooray for Hollywood! That screwy ballyhooey Hollywood. (Doris Day)
She blinded me with science. She blinded me with science. (Thomas Dolby)
War, huh, good god, y'all! What is it good for? Absolutely nothin'. (Edwin Starr)
We've been spending most our lives living in a gangster's paradise. (Coolio)
I ain't got no money, but I sure got a whole lotta love. (Bob Seger)
It's springtime for Hitler and Germany. Winter for Poland and France. (Mel Brooks)
Atomic, oh atomic. (Blondie)
Back in the US- back in the US- back in the USSR. (The Beatles)
Living in the plastic age. Plastic age. (The Buggles)
Video killed the radio star. Video killed the radio star. (The Buggles)
Hemingway, Eichmann, Stranger in a Strange Land, Dylan, Berlin, Bay of Pigs invasion, Lawrence of Arabia, British Beatlemania, Ole Miss, John Glenn, Liston beats Patterson, Pope Paul, Malcolm X, British Politician sex, J.F.K. blown away, what else do I have to say! (Billy Joel)
And it's one, two, three, what are we fightin' for? Don't ask me. I don't give a damn. Next stop is Vietnam. (Country Joe and the Fish)
By the time we got to Woodstock, we were half a million strong. (Joni Mitchell)
Fly me to the moon, and let me play among the stars. Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. (Frank Sinatra)
Don't turn around, uh-oh. Der Kommissar's in town, uh-oh. (After the Fire)
I want my... I want my... I want my MTV. (Dire Straits)
Tear down the wall! Tear down the wall! (Pink Floyd)
What ya wanna do? Wanna be hackers? Code-crackers? Slackers? Wastin' time with all the chat room yackers? Nine-to-five, chillin' at Hewlett-Packard? (Weird Al Yankovic)
It's early fall. There's a cloud in the New York skyline. Innocence dragged across a yellow line. (U2)
Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away. Now, it looks as though they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. (The Beatles)
Right now, hey, it's your tomorrow. Right now, come on, it's everything. Right now, catch a magic moment, do it, right here and now. (Van Halen)
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You're only a day away. (Annie)
Things are goin' great, and it's only gettin' better. I'm doin' all right, and gettin' good grades. The future's so bright, I gotta wear shades. I gotta wear shades. (Timbuk 3)
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto. (Styx)
Star Trekkin' across the universe, on the Starship Enterprise under Captain Kirk. (The Firm)
We're hoppin' star to star through the galaxy. We're flyin' high. Let the world pass us by from here to eternity. To eternity. (Brian Setzer Orchestra)
Black hole sun, won't you come and wash away the rain. Black hole sun, black hole sun, won't you come. (Soundgarden)
This is the end, my only friend, the end. (The Doors)
Let's do the time warp again! (Richard O'Brien)
You go back, Jack, do it again. Wheel's goin' round and round. You go back, Jack, do it again. (Steely Dan)
And it all started with a big bang. (Barenaked Ladies)
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Pantheon of American Gods
Here's a try at a pantheon of American "gods" based on historic or public figures who completely embody some vital force in the public consciousness. In order to qualify, each "god" must be immediately identifiable with the concept he embodies, to the point where the mention of his name can be used as a metaphor for that particular vital force. The historic or public figure must have a quality (at least as perceived by the zeitgeist) which transcends mortal stature. Also, in order to be a truly "American" pantheon, each must be either American or have significantly affected American history.
FATHER OF THE GODS................................................GEORGE WASHINGTON
MONSTER AT THE BEGINNING OF TIME...................KING GEORGE III
MOTHER / HOME / HEARTH GODDESS......................ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
GOD OF WISDOM..........................................................ALBERT EINSTEIN
GOD OF MISCHIEF........................................................ANDY KAUFMAN
GOD OF WAR.................................................................GEORGE PATTON
GODDESS OF LOVE AND BEAUTY.............................MARYLIN MONROE
GOD OF PEACE..............................................................MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
GOD OF AGRICULTURE................................................JOHNNY APPLESEED
GOD OF WILD BEASTS................................................TEDDY ROOSEVELT
GOD OF WEALTH.........................................................JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER
GOD OF JUSTICE AND VENGANCE...........................WYATT EARP
GOD OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING........................BEN FRANKLIN
GOD OF CHILDREN AND DREAMS............................WALT DISNEY
GOD OF MOCKERY......................................................LENNY BRUCE
GODDESS OF DISEASE...............................................TYPHOID MARY
GOD OF DEATH............................................................JACK KEVORKIAN
MUSE OF COMEDY.......................................................MARK TWAIN
MUSE OF TRAGEDY.....................................................EDGAR ALLEN POE
MUSE OF DANCE..........................................................MICHAEL JACKSON
MESSENGER OF THE GODS.......................................WALTER KRONKITE
DEMIGOD WARRIOR....................................................CHUCK NORRIS
DEVIL.............................................................................ADOLF HITLER
I consider this a "starter" set. I may think of more.
FATHER OF THE GODS................................................GEORGE WASHINGTON
MONSTER AT THE BEGINNING OF TIME...................KING GEORGE III
MOTHER / HOME / HEARTH GODDESS......................ELEANOR ROOSEVELT
GOD OF WISDOM..........................................................ALBERT EINSTEIN
GOD OF MISCHIEF........................................................ANDY KAUFMAN
GOD OF WAR.................................................................GEORGE PATTON
GODDESS OF LOVE AND BEAUTY.............................MARYLIN MONROE
GOD OF PEACE..............................................................MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.
GOD OF AGRICULTURE................................................JOHNNY APPLESEED
GOD OF WILD BEASTS................................................TEDDY ROOSEVELT
GOD OF WEALTH.........................................................JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER
GOD OF JUSTICE AND VENGANCE...........................WYATT EARP
GOD OF THUNDER AND LIGHTNING........................BEN FRANKLIN
GOD OF CHILDREN AND DREAMS............................WALT DISNEY
GOD OF MOCKERY......................................................LENNY BRUCE
GODDESS OF DISEASE...............................................TYPHOID MARY
GOD OF DEATH............................................................JACK KEVORKIAN
MUSE OF COMEDY.......................................................MARK TWAIN
MUSE OF TRAGEDY.....................................................EDGAR ALLEN POE
MUSE OF DANCE..........................................................MICHAEL JACKSON
MESSENGER OF THE GODS.......................................WALTER KRONKITE
DEMIGOD WARRIOR....................................................CHUCK NORRIS
DEVIL.............................................................................ADOLF HITLER
I consider this a "starter" set. I may think of more.
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