Here is my list of things that need to stop happening in porno movies:
* Shakey handheld camera! Seriously, how hard is it to set a camera on a tripod?
* Extreme camera zooms to the point where all you can see is a blur.
* Those nonstop camera shutter noises, because one photographer is taking still images, while the other takes the video.
* Backlighting, to the point where you're almost looking at silhouettes.
* Randomly switching between a first-person view and a third-person view. Pick one or the other, and stick with it!
* Dirty talk from people who mumble. Learn to enunciate! Also, it wouldn't hurt to put up some acoustic tiles in the room, or at least a few thick blankets to absorb the echo, and get a decent microphone.
* High heels on hardwood floors. Those things are loud, and if you haven't done the afore-mentioned acoustic prep, that sound is going to be the only thing we hear.
* Hearing the camera-guy talk, especially while only using the camera microphone. Do you have any idea how loud that is compared to everything else in the room?
* Lamp-shading. For those unfamiliar with the term, this is when the actors/directors make it a point to show that they aren't taking the work seriously, usually as a way to deflect criticism. Guys, it's a porno movie! How seriously did you think people were going to take it?
* Excessive search tags. This is not so much a problem with the creators as with the uploaders. You can tell someone just copied and pasted a bunch of generic search terms into the tags, descriptions, and even sometimes the title. Try to stick to what is accurate, okay?
* Surprise fetishes not mentioned in the description. How about a little warning before you start pissing on someone?
* Switching between dom and sub roles in the same video, especially if it feels like they just forgot what they were going for.
* Those "mother-daughter" scenes where it's obvious that both actresses are the same age. Look, I know that sometimes, it's hard to get the type of performers you want, but at least make an effort.
* Treating interracial sex as if it's supposed to be something "shocking" or "taboo." Seriously? It's the twenty-first century!
* Overuse of the prefix "step." I understand the concept of the stepmother, stepsister, stepdaughter, etc., but a whole "step-family?" Sometimes, they use terms that don't even exist, like "step-friend" or "step-neighbor." What is that???
* Characters with no peripheral vision. Usually, it's something like a wife cheating on her husband, who is standing in the same room, but can't see the sex going on, because he's looking slightly to the left. What is he, one of the security guards from Metal Gear?
* That pointless pixilation on Japanese movies. I guess it's a law or something, but it's a dumb law.
* Stalling. Two performers awkwardly trying to pad the runtime by re-stating the same dialog, just waiting for the director to give them the signal to start fucking. It's cringy.
* Cutting away to a completely separate, non-sexual, overly complicated subplot. It's as if the writer wanted to be taken seriously as an artist, but couldn't get anyone to look at his script for an original mystery crime drama, so he just snuck part of it into the middle of a porno movie. Stop doing that! Your story sucks, but even if it didn't, this would not be the proper place for it.
(More to be added as I think of them.)
No comments:
Post a Comment