Music Videos that Contradict Lyrics

 There are several music videos that seem to have nothing to do with what the lyrics of the song are actually about.  Here are some examples:

"Who's Johnny" - El DeBarge

Song:  "I'm in love with a girl who for some unspecified reason, keeps asking who Johnny is."

Video:  "I'm being questioned in a courtroom as to the identity of Johnny, which has some unclear connection to the movie 'Short Circuit.'"

"Backstreet's Back" - Backstreet Boys

Song:  "We have returned with a song that everyone will want to dance to, and also we're all very sexy."

Video:  "We're monsters."

"Jenny" - Tommy Tutone

Song:  "I saw a sex phone number written on a wall, and I don't have the courage to call it, but I keep thinking about it."

Video:  "I'm dangerously obsessed with my crush, and somehow, my therapist got a date with her simply by calling her phone number, and then had me arrested."

"Runaway" - Bon Jovi

Song:  "Her parents didn't pay enough attention to her, so she ran away from home and fell into a life of crime."

Video:  "She was mutated by radiation, and now can incinerate people with her mind, but she can learn to control her powers through the power of dancing to Bon Jovi music."

Stop Doing This in Porno Movies

Here is my list of things that need to stop happening in porno movies:

* Shakey handheld camera!  Seriously, how hard is it to set a camera on a tripod?

* Extreme camera zooms to the point where all you can see is a blur.

* Those nonstop camera shutter noises, because one photographer is taking still images, while the other takes the video.

* Backlighting, to the point where you're almost looking at silhouettes.

* Randomly switching between a first-person view and a third-person view.  Pick one or the other, and stick with it!

* Dirty talk from people who mumble.  Learn to enunciate!  Also, it wouldn't hurt to put up some acoustic tiles in the room, or at least a few thick blankets to absorb the echo, and get a decent microphone.

* High heels on hardwood floors.  Those things are loud, and if you haven't done the afore-mentioned acoustic prep, that sound is going to be the only thing we hear.

* Hearing the camera-guy talk, especially while only using the camera microphone.  Do you have any idea how loud that is compared to everything else in the room?

* Lamp-shading.  For those unfamiliar with the term, this is when the actors/directors make it a point to show that they aren't taking the work seriously, usually as a way to deflect criticism.  Guys, it's a porno movie!  How seriously did you think people were going to take it?

* Excessive search tags.  This is not so much a problem with the creators as with the uploaders.  You can tell someone just copied and pasted a bunch of generic search terms into the tags, descriptions, and even sometimes the title.  Try to stick to what is accurate, okay?

* Surprise fetishes not mentioned in the description.  How about a little warning before you start pissing on someone?

* Switching between dom and sub roles in the same video, especially if it feels like they just forgot what they were going for.

* Those "mother-daughter" scenes where it's obvious that both actresses are the same age.  Look, I know that sometimes, it's hard to get the type of performers you want, but at least make an effort.

* Treating interracial sex as if it's supposed to be something "shocking" or "taboo."  Seriously?  It's the twenty-first century!

* Overuse of the prefix "step."  I understand the concept of the stepmother, stepsister, stepdaughter, etc., but a whole "step-family?"  Sometimes, they use terms that don't even exist, like "step-friend" or "step-neighbor."  What is that???

* Characters with no peripheral vision.  Usually, it's something like a wife cheating on her husband, who is standing in the same room, but can't see the sex going on, because he's looking slightly to the left.  What is he, one of the security guards from Metal Gear?

* That pointless pixilation on Japanese movies.  I guess it's a law or something, but it's a dumb law.

* Stalling.  Two performers awkwardly trying to pad the runtime by re-stating the same dialog, just waiting for the director to give them the signal to start fucking.  It's cringy.

* Cutting away to a completely separate, non-sexual, overly complicated subplot.  It's as if the writer wanted to be taken seriously as an artist, but couldn't get anyone to look at his script for an original mystery crime drama, so he just snuck part of it into the middle of a porno movie.  Stop doing that!  Your story sucks, but even if it didn't, this would not be the proper place for it.

(More to be added as I think of them.)

What Is A Perfect Movie Sequel?

There have been a lot of good movie sequels, and a few great movie sequels, but how many are perfect sequels?  In order to make a list, I have decided to set some rules for what constitutes a perfect sequel.  This is my list, and your opinion may differ.

1. A perfect sequel must be a "true" sequel.  This means that it cannot be a prequel, a midquel, or a remake of an existing sequel.  Otherwise, what's the point of categorizing something as a perfect sequel?  Furthermore, it must not contradict the canon of the previous movie.  "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" doesn't count, because it's a prequel.  "The Godfather Part 2" doesn't count, because it's a mostly-prequel.  "Return to Oz" doesn't count, because it's an adaptation of a sequel to a book.  "Xanadu" doesn't count because it's a remake of a sequel to a movie unrelated to the remake.  "Son of Frankenstein" doesn't count, because it retcons major elements of the original film.

2. A perfect sequel must be the SECOND movie in the series.  There can be any number of high-quality movies which are part of an established franchise, but it takes a special talent to make a great sequel to an otherwise standalone movie.  Watching a perfect sequel should not require having seen any previous material other than the first movie.  This eliminates movies such as "Star Trek 3: The Search for Spock," "Son of Frankenstein," and "Rocky 3."  This also means that a perfect sequel cannot combine multiple storylines, being a sequel to more than one movie, such as "Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman," "Freddy vs Jason," or "Alien vs Predator."

3. A perfect sequel cannot be one story split into two parts.  The defining characteristic of any sequel is that it's a sequel, that is, a continuation of a story that otherwise would have been a complete story.  If a writer creates a script that is too long, and the studio instructs the writer to split the story into two or more parts, then the second part cannot be considered a true sequel.  "Superman" and "Superman 2," "Underworld" and "Underworld: Evolution," "Kill Bill Vol. 1" and "Kill Bill Vol. 2," and the "Lord of the Rings" Trilogy, were all written as a single story prior to being filmed and released as multiple parts, and therefore, do not qualify as perfect sequels.

4. A perfect sequel cannot end in a cliffhanger.  Any person should be able to watch parts one and two, and have seen a complete story.  A sequel cannot be a perfect sequel if the resolution to the story arc requires watching part three.  This eliminates most mid-trilogy movies such as "Back to the Future Part 2," "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest," "The Matrix: Reloaded," "Spider-Man 2," and the afore-mentioned "Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers."

5. A perfect sequel must be of equal or greater quality to the original.  This almost goes without saying, but it the sequel is a bad movie, then it cannot be a perfect sequel.  Some examples of bad movie sequels include "Son of the Mask," "Highlander 2: The Quickening," "Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time," and "Troll 2."

6. A perfect sequel must complete a story thread left unresolved in the first movie.  This is probably the most difficult criteria to meet, and eliminates most sequels.  For example, "U.S. Marshalls," "Clear and Present Danger," "Addams Family Values," "Wayne's World 2," and "Dracula's Daughter" are all perfectly good sequels, but none of them continues a single story arc through both movies.  Ideally, with a perfect sequel, watching parts one and two back-to-back should feel like a single story split into two parts, even though it was not originally written with that intent.

Given this list of criteria, here are the movies that qualify as PERFECT MOVIE SEQUELS:

* Aliens

* Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey

* Bride of Frankenstein

* Frozen 2

* Hellraiser 2

* Rocky 2

* Terminator 2: Judgement Day