How to Improve Every Holiday

New Years Day - Give up on making resolutions. You won't keep them anyway.

Martin Luther King Day - Enough with this "closest Monday" bullshit. If you're going to celebrate someone's birthday, do it on their actual birthday.

Groundhog Day - Make it an official holiday, at least in the state of Pennsylvania.

Super Bowl Sunday - Stop "leaking" the commercials as news stories, and stop trying to manufacture "controversy" about the half time shows.

Valentines Day - Lose it. Celebrate one of the lesser-known springtime holidays instead, like National Lovers Day or Walpurgis Night.

Presidents Day, President's Day or Presidents' Day - We need a ruling on where the apostrophe goes. How many presidents are we celebrating?

St. Patrick's Day - I can't think of anything wrong with this one. Good job.

Easter - Quit moving it around! (Same rule for Mardi Gras)

April Fools - Nobody cares.

Tax Day - 😡

Arbor Day - Post a schedule of when this day actually is, depending on the climate where you live.

Earth Day - Big corporations that pollute the earth are not allowed to virtue signal to me how much they "care."

Mother's Day - Get rid of those "to my wife" cards. What kind of Oedipus Rex shit is this?

Armed Forces Day, Veterans Day, Memorial Day - Combine them into one holiday and call it "Military Day."

Flag Day - This is just stupid. Why do we have a holiday for the flag, when the flag is already part of several other holidays?

Father's Day - He doesn't want a necktie. Stop it.

Juneteenth - Needs a better name.

Fourth of July - Don't let stupid people near the fireworks.

August - Why is there no holiday in August? I guess, technically, there's Lammas Day, but nobody seems to notice.

Labor Day - Get off people's backs about wearing white.

Columbus Day - Leif Erikson Day is better. Not only did he get here first, but he actually knew where he was.

Halloween - The second biggest holiday of the year, and you don't get a day off work for it? Fix that!

Thanksgiving - Get Christmas out of it!

Christmas - Tone it down... A LOT!