What I Expected and What I Got

When I was little, I was told what to expect in the twenty-first century.  Here's a list of things I expected, and what I actually got instead:

* FLYING CARS - Instead of flying cars, we got "smart" cars.  They can pick out a restaurant, tell you when to turn, perfectly balance fuel consumption per wheel, and keep you alive and call for help in a crash.  That's all well and good, but they STILL CAN'T FUCKING FLY!

* THE TENTH PLANET - I grew up with nine planets in the solar system, but we all knew there was a tenth one out there, just waiting to be discovered as soon as our telescope technology improved.  We finally improved our telescopes, and instead of a tenth planet, we LOST ONE!  There are now only EIGHT planets.  By the way, does anybody else think it's kind of a creepy coincidence that Pluto got kicked out of the solar system around the same time as the color indigo got kicked out of the rainbow?

* THE FIFTY-FIRST STATE - We were all set to add that new star to the American flag, but it hasn't happened yet, and now we have states talking about breaking away from the United States.  Nobody is taking it too seriously yet, but I think there's a much better chance of losing Texas than gaining Puerto Rico these days.

* BUBBLE-DOME CITIES - Perfect climate-controlled environments.  Well, we don't have bubble domes protecting our cities, but we DID manage to lose a chunk of our ozone layer, which means that we're now LESS covered than we were before.

* RAY GUNS - Lasers, disrupters, phasers, death rays, light sabers...  Instead, we got drones.  I pictured a future in which soldiers wouldn't have bullets.  Now we have bullets without soldiers.

* WORLD WAR THREE - We all knew it was coming.  The U.S. and the Soviets would fire off their nuclear weapons, creating a post-apocalyptic wasteland full of mutants fighting for survival.  Instead, we got... the war on terror, a few Rapture cults, a bunch of zombie movies, and our biggest gripe with Russia is that they stopped being okay with gay people, right around the time we started.  I don't know what's real anymore.

* TELEPORTERS - Well, we don't have them yet, but we do have 3-D printers, which is kind of like a... well it's sort of a... okay, it's not the same thing at all.  I don't know anyone who has one yet anyway.

* HOLOGRAM TELEVISION - Let's be honest.  Television is dying.  Even with radical improvements such as recordable programs, clearer picture quality, and wider selection, it just cannot continue to compete with online video-on-demand.  Television will end without ever having been in 3-D, or having said "fuck."

* SPACESHIPS - We were going to have spaceships and moon colonies and Mars missions, and we were going to make contact with space aliens.  Instead, we shut down NASA, and start building a wall to keep human aliens out.  We also completely fucked up the education system.  Good job, guys.  At least we can count on deranged billionaires to keep working on the project.

* THE METRIC SYSTEM - Everyone in the future was going to be using the metric system because it's just so futuristic.  Actually, most of the world was already using the metric system, except for the United States, and I don't see us changing anytime soon, because it's just not practical.  Who wants to tear out all the road signs and re-price all the products in stores, just to make calculations a little easier to do without a calculator... even though everyone has a calculator?  Also, Celsius temperature sucks.  No one needs to know how close the weather is to the boiling point of water.

* LOTS MORE SMOG - There's lots less, and yet, people are more pissed off about how much pollution there is.  Explain that to me.  People are choking to death, and it's a mild annoyance, but a faint trace of gas that you need a machine to detect, and we're ready to start a riot.

* INTERNATIONAL LANGUAGE - Esperanto?  Interlang?  Some other manufactured language to be "fair" to everybody?  Nope, instead, everyone just started speaking English.  Yeah, remember that really stupid language that was supposedly almost impossible to learn because its rules weren't consistent?  That's what everyone speaks now.  Who saw that coming?

* ROBOTS - There were supposed to be humanoid robots doing all our housework for us.  The closest thing we got is a rolling frisbee that can sort of vacuum.

* ORWELLIAN NEWSPEAK - Well, we had a politically-correct phase, but it died out.  Now the only ones who use it are politicians, but that's nothing new.

* EVERYONE IS A SCIENTIFIC GENIUS - Instead, we got the Creationist museums, and an increase in the number of people practicing witchcraft.  (Not that I'm complaining about one of those.)

* WRIST PHONES - They were promising these things FOREVER!  And now, we FINALLY HAVE THEM............ right after everyone has a smart phone in their pockets, and nobody wears wristwatches anymore.  Better late than never?

Religion Quiz

Let's see if I can figure out which belief system you belong to (or should belong to, if undecided.)


1 Is there an intelligent power in the world that is beyond humans?
 Yes - Go to 2.
 No - Go to 3.
 Maybe - You are AGNOSTIC.

2 Is it from another planet?
 Yes - Go to 4.
 No - Go to 5.

3 Should people be allowed to own property?
 Yes - Go to 6.
 No - You are a MARXIST.

4 Are we clones of them?
 Yes - You are RAELEAN.
 No - Go to 7.

5 Are there many different gods?
 Yes - Go to 8.
 No - Go to 9.

6 Does life have any value whatsoever?
 Yes - Go to 89.
 No - You are NIHILIST.

7 Are their thetans inside us?
 Yes - You are SCIENTOLOGIST.
 No - Go to 10.

8 Are humans and gods both part of a single unifying force?
 Yes - Go to 11.
 No - Go to 12.

9 Did your higher power create the universe?
 Yes - Go to 13.
 No - Go to 14.

10 Are aliens coming for us?
 Yes - You are a UFO CULT.
 No - Go to 15.

11 Do you believe in reincarnation?
 Yes - Go to 16.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.

12 Do your gods come from Japan?
 Yes - Go to 105.
 No - Go to 17.

13 Does God answer prayers?
 Yes - Go to 18.
 No - You are DEIST.

14 Is your higher power the spirits of your ancestors?
 Yes - Go to 19.
 No - Go to 20.

15 Are space aliens and angels of God the same things?
 Yes - You are AETHERIAN.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.

16 Do you incorporate many Western traditions into your beliefs?
 Yes - Go to 81.
 No - Go to 21.

17 Do you cast spells?
 Yes - Go to 22.
 No - Go to 23.

18 Do you believe in the Old Testament (Torah)?
 Yes - Go to 24.
 No - Go to 25.

19 Do you use shamanic rituals to communicate with them?
 Yes - Go to 26.
 No - Go to 27.

20 Is your higher power the Universe itself?
 Yes - Go to 91.
 No - Go to 38.

21 Do you live by the wisdom of Confucius?
 Yes - You are CONFUCIAN.
 No - Go to 28.

22 Does your ritual originate from Western Africa?
 Yes - You are VOUDON.
 No - Go to 29.

23 Do the legends of your gods come from Europe?
 Yes - Go to 30.
 No - Go to 31.

24 Do you believe in the New Testament (Gospels)?
 Yes - Go to 32.
 No - Go to 33.

25 Do you follow the teachings of Zoroaster?
 Yes - You are ZOROASTRIAN.
 No - You are UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALIST.

26 Do your ancestral spirits come from the West?
 Yes - You are NATIVE AMERICAN.
 No - You are EASTERN SHAMANIST.

27 Do you rely on psychics or mediums?
 Yes - Go to 34.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.

28 Do you live by the wisdom of Buddha?
 Yes - You are BUDDHIST.
 No - Go to 35.

29 Is your ritual based on Western Occultism?
 Yes - Go to 36.
 No - Go to 80.

30 Are your gods Greek, Roman or Etruscan?
 Yes - Go to 88.
 No - Go to 37.

31 Are your gods from the Egypt or the Middle East?
 Yes - Go to 39.
 No - Go to 40.

32 Do you believe in the Koran?
 Yes - Go to 104.
 No - Go to 42.

33 Do you believe that Haile Selassie I is the Messiah?
 Yes - You are RASTAFARIAN.
 No - Go to 43.

34 Does your preferred medium have a school of enlightenment?
 Yes - Go to 44.
 No - Go to 45.

35 Do you believe in the Veda?
 Yes - Go to 46.
 No - You are TAOIST.

36 Do you follow the Wiccan Rede?
 Yes - Go to 47.
 No - Go to 48.

37 Are your gods from the Norse tradition?
 Yes - Go to 49.
 No - Go to 50.

38 Does your higher power bring cargo?
 Yes - You are JOHN FRUM CULT.
 No - Go to 93.

39 Are your gods Egyptian?
 Yes - You are KEMETIC.
 No - You are MESOPOTAMPIAN.

40 Are your gods from America?
 Yes - Go to 51.
 No - Go to 52.

41 Do you believe in the Bab?
 Yes - Go to 53.
 No - Go to 54.

42 Do you believe in the Book of Mormon?
 Yes - You are MORMON.
 No - Go to 55.

43 Do you follow every law in Leviticus?
 Yes - You are ORTHODOX JEW.
 No - You are PROGRESSIVE JEW.

44 Is your belief system based on the Law of Attraction?
 Yes - Go to 56.
 No - Go to 57.

45 Do you derive philosophical conclusions from metaphysical observations?
 Yes - You are THEOSOPHIST.
 No - You are SPIRITUALIST.

46 Is Krishna the most important avatar?
 Yes - You are HARE KRISHNA.
 No - Go to 69.

47 Is feminism the most important aspect of your practice?
 Yes - You are DIANIC WICCAN.
 No - Go to 58.

48 Is your order founded by Aleistar Crowley?
 Yes - You are THELEMA.
 No - Go to 59.

49 Do you believe in cultural isolationism?
 Yes - You are ODALIST.
 No - Go to 60.

50 Are trees sacred to you?
 Yes - You are DRUID.
 No - You are CELTIC PAGAN.

51 Are your gods from Mexico?
 Yes - Go to 61.
 No - You are INCAN.

52 Are your gods from the Pacific?
 Yes - Go to 62.
 No - Go to 63.

53 Is Baha'u'lla the most important prophet?
 Yes - You are BAHA'I.
 No - You are BABIST.

54 Should political authority derive from religious authority?
 Yes - You are SUNNI MUSLIM.
 No - Go to 64.

55 Is the world around us an illusion created by our minds?
 Yes - You are NEW THOUGHT.
 No - Go to 86.

56 Has an ancient Atlantean warrior spirit come back to teach us?
 Yes - You are RAMTHAN.
 No - You are ABRAHAM-HICKS.

57 Do you believe some people are born Indigo?
 Yes - You are KRYON'S SCHOOL.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.

58 Do you follow a structured initiatory British tradition?
 Yes - Go to 67.
 No - Go to 68.

59 Does membership in your order require being a Freemason?
 Yes - Go to 70.
 No - Go to 97.

60 Does your religion have a hierarchial structure?
 Yes - You are THEODIST.
 No - You are ASATRU.

61 Are your gods from the Yukatan region?
 Yes - You are MAYAN.
 No - You are AZTEC.

62 Are your gods Australian?
 Yes - You are ABORIGINE.
 No - You are POLYNESIAN.

63 Are your gods from Africa?
 Yes - You are AFRICAN ANIMIST.
 No - You are OTHER PAGAN.

64 Do you seek spritual enlightenment above materialism?
 Yes - You are SUFI.
 No - You are SHI'ITE.

65 Do you believe in heaven and hell?
 Yes - Go to 83.
 No - You are CHRISTADELPHIAN.

66 Is the Pope infallible?
 Yes - You are CATHOLIC.
 No - Go to 73.

67 Do you follow the traditions of Alex Saunders?
 Yes - You are ALEXANDRIAN WICCAN.
 No - You are GARDENARIAN WICCAN.

68 Are faeries an integral part of your practice?
 Yes - You are FAERIE WICCAN.
 No - Go to 74.

69 Is your spiritual path based on monastic aecetic living and ritual fasting?
 Yes - You are JAIN.
 No - Go to 75.

70 Was your order founded around the late 19th century?
 Yes - You are GOLDEN DAWN.
 No - You are ROSICRUTIAN.

71 Is your church completely independent of other churches?
 Yes - You are EVANGELICAL CHRISTIAN.
 No - You are SEVENTH DAY ADVENTIST.

72 Is humanity being punished for permitting homosexuality?
 Yes - You are WESTBORO BAPTIST.
 No - Go to 77.

73 Can anyone interpret the Bible individually?
 Yes - Go to 78.
 No - Go to 79.

74 Is your ritual based on Gavin Frost?
 Yes - You are CELTIC WICCAN.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFED WICCAN.

75 Do you follow the Five Ks?
 Yes - You are SIKH.
 No - You are HINDU.

76 Should baptism be performed on adults only?
 Yes - Go to 84.
 No - Go to 77.

77 Do you believe in the coming of the Rapture?
 Yes - Go back to 71.
 No - You are FUNDAMENTALIST.

78 Do you go to a church to help you understand the Bible?
 Yes - Go to 99.
 No - You are QUAKER.

79 Do you follow an ancient traditional interpretation of scripture?
 Yes - You are ORTHODOX CHRISTIAN.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED CHRISTIAN.

80 Do you invoke Aradia in your spells?
 Yes - You are STREGHERIA.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED.

81 Are you a reincarnation of a mythical being?
 Yes - You are OTHERKIN.
 No - Go to 82.

82 Do you rely on the guidance of spirit mediums?
 Yes - Go back to 34.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFIED NEW AGE.

83 Do you celebrate Christmas?
 Yes - Go to 76.
 No - Go to 90.

84 Is agrarian living integral to spiritual growth?
 Yes - You are MENNONITE.
 No - Go to 85.

85 Are things like faith-healing and speaking-in-tongues important to your faith?
 Yes - You are PENTECOSTALIST.
 No - You are BAPTIST.

86 Do you believe in The Exposition of the Divine Principle?
 Yes - You are UNIFICATIONIST.
 No - Go to 87.

87 Do you take the Bible literally?
 Yes - Go back to 65.
 No - Go back to 66.

88 Do you seek to create chaos and disorder?
 Yes - You are DISCORDIAN.
 No - You are HELLENIST.

89 Should people care more for each other than themselves?
 Yes - Go to 100.
 No - Go to 92.

90 Do you use electricity?
 Yes - You are JEHOVAH'S WITNESS.
 No - You are AMISH.

91 Are Zen and bowling important to your philosophy?
 Yes - You are DUDIST.
 No - You are PANTHEIST.

92 Do you perform Satanic rituals?
 Yes - You are LAVEYAN.
 No - You are OBJECTIVIST.

93 Do you use black magick?
 Yes - Go to 95.
 No - Go to 96.

95 Has Lucifer fallen from grace?
 Yes - You are DEVIL-WORSHIPER.
 No - You are LUCIFERIAN.

96 Do you use the Force?
 Yes - You are JEDI.
 No - You are UNCLASSIFED.

97 Do you use Egyptian dark magick?
 Yes - You are SETIAN.
 No - Go to 98.

98 Is the Loch Ness Monster important to your rituals?
 Yes - You are EARTH MAGICIAN.
 No - You are CHAOS MAGICIAN.

99 Does your church actively invite participation from differing belief systems?
 Yes - You are C-3 EXCHANGE.
 No - Go to 101.

100 Do you dress like a pirate?
 Yes - You are PASTAFARIAN.
 No - You are HUMANISTIC ATHEIST.

101 Are your churches overseen by an archbishop?
 Yes - You are ANGLICAN.
 No - Go to 102.

102 Is the Eucharist the true body of Christ?
 Yes - Go to 103.
 No - You are PRESBYTERIAN.

103 Do you use sacramental wine?
 Yes - You are LUTHERAN.
 No - You are METHODIST.

104 Do you believe in reincarnation?
 Yes - You are DRUZE.
 No - Go back to 41.

105 Is your preferred shrine founded by Nakayama Miki?
 Yes - You are TENRIKYO.
 No - You are SHINTOIST.