Here are some warning signs that you may be a living god:
* Losing track of time.
* A strong reluctance to show up uninvited.
* People frequently asking you for help.
* Looking really good for your age.
* Being mostly unaffected by cold and flu season.
* Often receiving gifts from strangers.
* Huge ego.
* Being the subject of outlandish rumors and speculation.
* Being spoken about positively behind your back.
* A generally flighty and mercurial lifestyle.
* A tendency to disappear for long periods, during which many people think you are dead.
* Vague childhood memories, in which the gaps are filled in by hearsay.
* A fascination with obscure knowledge, particularly in the areas of history, anthropology, the occult, and especially religions.
* Unwillingness to submit to authority.
* A tendency to exist noncorporeally for indefinite periods of time, while simultaneously controlling the forces of nature by will alone.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Famous Directors Quiz
Here's a fun quiz. I'll describe a movie (not a specific one), and you try to guess who the director is. Answers are at the bottom.
.
1. It's the ciminal underworld of New York City. There are lots of overhead camera shots, and the scenery uses a lot of the color red. Robert DeNiro is in a starring role.
.
2. The camera zooms and pans over long distances very quickly. There are POV shots, moving shots, and those cool zooms where the actor seems to be getting closer, while the background is getting farther away. Bruce Campbell is in it.
.
3. Dark and gothic, but with a childlike quality, almost like the kind of things you had nightmares about when you were five. It's nighttime, and there's blood splattered. You hear the music of the Danny Elfman Orchestra, and the movie stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
.
4. I'm not really sure what it is. It's sort of a comedy, sort of an action movie, and sort of a drama, but it fails on all counts. Still, there's a big budget and flashy special effects, so it does make a good bit of money, and in its own way, it is entertaining.
.
5. It's New York City. There are several couples in relationships, and they're all cheating on each other, but that's not really a big deal. Characters have very casual conversations about everything from sexual fetishes to global economics. Characters are often interrupting each other, sometimes from somewhere off camera, so the camera has to whip around to see who's talking. The director is also the star.
.
6. The camera is zooming in or out very slowly... I mean very VERRRRY sloooowwwwllllly, and over a much longer distance than you were expecting. There are long periods of no dialog whatsoever, possibly filled with soft music. No one in the audience can understand the ending.
.
7. Every detail of this movie is crafted to perfection. There are periods of silence when you know something is about to happen, but you're being kept in suspense. If you look closely, you can see the director in the background of one scene.
.
8. The movie is slow and creepy. There are a lot of shadows, and subtle things in the background that you almost don't notice. In the end, the audience jumps up and yells, "Holy shit! THAT'S what was going on the whole time?!!!"
.
9. The movie sucks on all levels. Every scene is a pointless reference to overhyped TV shows, commercials from last year, and featured Youtube videos that nobody likes. It steals jokes from other movies. It immitates trailers to movies coming out, and then throws in something nonsequiter and juvinile, like a fart or someone falling down. There's a scene where people dance for no reason. The movie makes almost no money on ticket sales, but more than makes up for the loss through product placements. The title contains the word "Movie."
.
10. In a black community, the story is poignant, and we all learn something from it.
.
11. In a black community, the story is silly and sitcomish, and white people don't bother to go see it.
.
12. The movie parodies other movies and genres, exposing all the cliches. You can watch it over and over, and it never gets old. There are a lot of Jewish jokes, and the director is also one of the stars. Some of the other actors appearing are Dom Deloise, Harvey Coreman, Madaline Khan and Ron Carey.
.
13. The movie parodies other movies. All the jokes are well-written. The actors say the most outrageous things, but with a serious deadpan expression.
.
14. The story is fantastical, and the characters use puppetry or animatronics. It's fun for all ages.
.
15. A dark comedy, probably about criminals. Every character is complex and interesting enough to be the main character, including those who are only on screen for a minute. The story is balanced just on the edge of being realistic and unrealistic. John Goodman may be appearing.
.
16. The movie is entirely stop-motion animation. The setting has a creepy otherworldly quality. There are lots of night scenes, and lots and lots of very large insects.
.
17. The story is set in Biblical times. There are panoramic shots with thousands of extras. The special effects and dialog are way over the top.
.
18. This movie can be one of two things. It's either a big-budget movie exploring the mysteries and possibilities of life, with brilliant bright multicolored lights coming from every direction while people look on in childlike wonder... or else it's a depressing World War II story. At some point, you will see either a sunrise or a shooting star.
.
19. Framed like an arthouse film, set like a big-budget action movie, and written like a serious drama. This movie wins on all levels. Also, there's a pretty good chance that someone is getting decapitated.
.
20. Lots of blood, lots of extreme violence, lots of action. There are bullets flying and car chases, yet somehow, the characters seem to be able to hold a casual conversation about nothing in particular. The scenes may be out of sequence.
.
21. Incredibly huge budget, lots of special effects, and most importantly, the beautiful landscapes of New Zealand. (Of course, if it's one of his earlier films, then it's a gore-fest.)
.
22. The movie is set in Baltimore. Most of the main characters are young. The story is really really fucked up, but in a good way.
.
23. Characters have conversations about movies and comic books. There is a sarcastic attitude toward pop culture, religion and society in general. The director probably appears in the movie, playing his usual non-talkative character.
.
24 and 25. Lightning-fast comedic dialog, so that the characters are almost functioning as a single unit. Every situation is met with the same ironic attitude. There are one-liners in this movie which you and your friends will be quoting for years to come. These two directors may be working together or serperately. Bill Murray appears.
.
26. A childlike fairy tale, but with a dark side. The story has a mythical quality, but with a simplicity about it. It doesn't take itself seriously. (Of course, if the other Pythons are involved, then it gets totally silly.)
.
27. Gothic, yet colorful. Bloody and gorey, yet whimsical. The movie is a light-hearted variation on the classic horror genre. Based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe, and starring Vincent Price.
.
28. Cheap sets, flubbed lines, unrealistic plots, laughable special effects, and lots and lots of stock footage. It could be a science fiction story, a porno movie, or both. Bela Lugosi appears. The movie should suck, yet somehow, everyone loves it anyway.
.
29. Dark sets with lots of shadows, but filled with shiny ornate metal objects, giving it an almost steampunk look. There are large demonic monsters, an epic storyline, and an ending that involves a blood sacrifice. Ron Pearlman stars.
.
30. Steven Spielberg is involved, but not directing this time. Could be anything. Tom Hanks is probably in it.
.
31. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Lots of lens flares. Good special effects and great writing. Very sarcastic.
.
32. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Some lens flares. Great special effects and good writing. Very epic.
.
33. Huge budget, big stars, and gigantic explosions. Mostly realistic-looking CGI-effects, and the fate of the world hanging in the balance. The President of the United States is one of the characters. At some point, there's a fighter jet involved. There have been some major changes made from whatever source material was used.
.
34. It could be horror, comedy or action, but whatever it is, it has a sort of irreverent tounge-in-cheek humor. Most of the stars are probably former cast members of Saturday Night Live.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ANSWERS:
.
1. Martin Scorsese
2. Sam Raimi
3. Tim Burton
4. Joel Schumacher
5. Woody Allen
6. Stanley Kubrick
7. Alfred Hitchcock
8. M. Night Shyamalan
9. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
10. Spike Lee
11. Tyler Perry
12. Mel Brooks
13. David & Jerry Zucker
14. Jim Henson & Frank Oz
15. Joel & Ethan Coen
16. Henry Selick
17. Cecil B. DeMille
18. Steven Spielberg
19. Francis Ford Coppela
20. Quentin Tarantino
21. Peter Jackson
22. John Waters
23. Kevin Smith
24 & 25. Ivan Reitman / Harold Ramis
26. Terry Gilliam
27. Roger Coreman
28. Ed Wood
29. Guillermo del Toro
30. Robert Zemeckis
31. Joss Whedon
32. J.J. Abrams
33. Michael Bay
34. John Landis
.
1. It's the ciminal underworld of New York City. There are lots of overhead camera shots, and the scenery uses a lot of the color red. Robert DeNiro is in a starring role.
.
2. The camera zooms and pans over long distances very quickly. There are POV shots, moving shots, and those cool zooms where the actor seems to be getting closer, while the background is getting farther away. Bruce Campbell is in it.
.
3. Dark and gothic, but with a childlike quality, almost like the kind of things you had nightmares about when you were five. It's nighttime, and there's blood splattered. You hear the music of the Danny Elfman Orchestra, and the movie stars Johnny Depp and Helena Bonham Carter.
.
4. I'm not really sure what it is. It's sort of a comedy, sort of an action movie, and sort of a drama, but it fails on all counts. Still, there's a big budget and flashy special effects, so it does make a good bit of money, and in its own way, it is entertaining.
.
5. It's New York City. There are several couples in relationships, and they're all cheating on each other, but that's not really a big deal. Characters have very casual conversations about everything from sexual fetishes to global economics. Characters are often interrupting each other, sometimes from somewhere off camera, so the camera has to whip around to see who's talking. The director is also the star.
.
6. The camera is zooming in or out very slowly... I mean very VERRRRY sloooowwwwllllly, and over a much longer distance than you were expecting. There are long periods of no dialog whatsoever, possibly filled with soft music. No one in the audience can understand the ending.
.
7. Every detail of this movie is crafted to perfection. There are periods of silence when you know something is about to happen, but you're being kept in suspense. If you look closely, you can see the director in the background of one scene.
.
8. The movie is slow and creepy. There are a lot of shadows, and subtle things in the background that you almost don't notice. In the end, the audience jumps up and yells, "Holy shit! THAT'S what was going on the whole time?!!!"
.
9. The movie sucks on all levels. Every scene is a pointless reference to overhyped TV shows, commercials from last year, and featured Youtube videos that nobody likes. It steals jokes from other movies. It immitates trailers to movies coming out, and then throws in something nonsequiter and juvinile, like a fart or someone falling down. There's a scene where people dance for no reason. The movie makes almost no money on ticket sales, but more than makes up for the loss through product placements. The title contains the word "Movie."
.
10. In a black community, the story is poignant, and we all learn something from it.
.
11. In a black community, the story is silly and sitcomish, and white people don't bother to go see it.
.
12. The movie parodies other movies and genres, exposing all the cliches. You can watch it over and over, and it never gets old. There are a lot of Jewish jokes, and the director is also one of the stars. Some of the other actors appearing are Dom Deloise, Harvey Coreman, Madaline Khan and Ron Carey.
.
13. The movie parodies other movies. All the jokes are well-written. The actors say the most outrageous things, but with a serious deadpan expression.
.
14. The story is fantastical, and the characters use puppetry or animatronics. It's fun for all ages.
.
15. A dark comedy, probably about criminals. Every character is complex and interesting enough to be the main character, including those who are only on screen for a minute. The story is balanced just on the edge of being realistic and unrealistic. John Goodman may be appearing.
.
16. The movie is entirely stop-motion animation. The setting has a creepy otherworldly quality. There are lots of night scenes, and lots and lots of very large insects.
.
17. The story is set in Biblical times. There are panoramic shots with thousands of extras. The special effects and dialog are way over the top.
.
18. This movie can be one of two things. It's either a big-budget movie exploring the mysteries and possibilities of life, with brilliant bright multicolored lights coming from every direction while people look on in childlike wonder... or else it's a depressing World War II story. At some point, you will see either a sunrise or a shooting star.
.
19. Framed like an arthouse film, set like a big-budget action movie, and written like a serious drama. This movie wins on all levels. Also, there's a pretty good chance that someone is getting decapitated.
.
20. Lots of blood, lots of extreme violence, lots of action. There are bullets flying and car chases, yet somehow, the characters seem to be able to hold a casual conversation about nothing in particular. The scenes may be out of sequence.
.
21. Incredibly huge budget, lots of special effects, and most importantly, the beautiful landscapes of New Zealand. (Of course, if it's one of his earlier films, then it's a gore-fest.)
.
22. The movie is set in Baltimore. Most of the main characters are young. The story is really really fucked up, but in a good way.
.
23. Characters have conversations about movies and comic books. There is a sarcastic attitude toward pop culture, religion and society in general. The director probably appears in the movie, playing his usual non-talkative character.
.
24 and 25. Lightning-fast comedic dialog, so that the characters are almost functioning as a single unit. Every situation is met with the same ironic attitude. There are one-liners in this movie which you and your friends will be quoting for years to come. These two directors may be working together or serperately. Bill Murray appears.
.
26. A childlike fairy tale, but with a dark side. The story has a mythical quality, but with a simplicity about it. It doesn't take itself seriously. (Of course, if the other Pythons are involved, then it gets totally silly.)
.
27. Gothic, yet colorful. Bloody and gorey, yet whimsical. The movie is a light-hearted variation on the classic horror genre. Based on the writings of Edgar Allen Poe, and starring Vincent Price.
.
28. Cheap sets, flubbed lines, unrealistic plots, laughable special effects, and lots and lots of stock footage. It could be a science fiction story, a porno movie, or both. Bela Lugosi appears. The movie should suck, yet somehow, everyone loves it anyway.
.
29. Dark sets with lots of shadows, but filled with shiny ornate metal objects, giving it an almost steampunk look. There are large demonic monsters, an epic storyline, and an ending that involves a blood sacrifice. Ron Pearlman stars.
.
30. Steven Spielberg is involved, but not directing this time. Could be anything. Tom Hanks is probably in it.
.
31. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Lots of lens flares. Good special effects and great writing. Very sarcastic.
.
32. It's a TV show or a movie based on a TV show. Some lens flares. Great special effects and good writing. Very epic.
.
33. Huge budget, big stars, and gigantic explosions. Mostly realistic-looking CGI-effects, and the fate of the world hanging in the balance. The President of the United States is one of the characters. At some point, there's a fighter jet involved. There have been some major changes made from whatever source material was used.
.
34. It could be horror, comedy or action, but whatever it is, it has a sort of irreverent tounge-in-cheek humor. Most of the stars are probably former cast members of Saturday Night Live.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
ANSWERS:
.
1. Martin Scorsese
2. Sam Raimi
3. Tim Burton
4. Joel Schumacher
5. Woody Allen
6. Stanley Kubrick
7. Alfred Hitchcock
8. M. Night Shyamalan
9. Jason Friedberg & Aaron Seltzer
10. Spike Lee
11. Tyler Perry
12. Mel Brooks
13. David & Jerry Zucker
14. Jim Henson & Frank Oz
15. Joel & Ethan Coen
16. Henry Selick
17. Cecil B. DeMille
18. Steven Spielberg
19. Francis Ford Coppela
20. Quentin Tarantino
21. Peter Jackson
22. John Waters
23. Kevin Smith
24 & 25. Ivan Reitman / Harold Ramis
26. Terry Gilliam
27. Roger Coreman
28. Ed Wood
29. Guillermo del Toro
30. Robert Zemeckis
31. Joss Whedon
32. J.J. Abrams
33. Michael Bay
34. John Landis
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