Rules for People with Radios

If you've ever worked in a place where they have a radio playing all day, then you know that there are some annoying as fuck things that need to be addressed.  Some people should just not be allowed to choose a radio station.  Where to even being?

First of all, let me just say that if you can afford to buy a speaker with the cool moving lights on it, and one that is loud enough to be heard throughout the entire department, then you can afford the extra couple of bucks to spend on the ad-free music subscription.  I pay for ad-free radio, and I shouldn't have to listen to commercials while I'm at work.  And radio commercials are the worst.  I don't know where these people learned to talk, but no human being anywhere outside of radio ads sounds like that.  It's like a person with histrionic disorder taking cocaine, and then trying to talk through a closed door, while portraying a cartoon character.  And the worst of the worst are the car commercials.  I'd be very happy to go the rest of my life without ever again hearing the phrase "sales event."  A sale is not an event!  Just because you leave a balloon arch and a wavy arm tube man up year-round, does not mean that buying a car is festive!  And what's with those ads that think it's "clever" to act out the ad as if they were leaving a voicemail?  You know the ones.  The ones that have the old-fashioned answering machine beep.  "Hey, insert name, it's your stereotypical Jewish mother calling to tell you about the great deals as who-gives-a-shit restaurant, and how come you never call me back?  Beeeeeep."  Who started this shit, and why is it still going on?

Second rule, avoid the top forty stations.  I'm not saying never play them, but don't play them all the time, unless you want to hear a very short list of songs played over and over again, that have nothing in common with each other aside from the fact that they're all recent.  To quote the famous Sagat, "Why is it that when I'm listenin' to da radio, I hear the same five songs fifteen times a day for three months?  Funk dat!"

Third rule, if you pick the Spanish station, do me a favor, and pick one of the stations that lets the song actually play all the way through.  Do NOT pick one of the stations where the DJ has to interrupt the music about every ten to fifteen seconds shouting "ARRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIBAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!"  And I am not exaggerating.  It's fucking nonstop.  I'm at work, so stop telling me, in any language, to get on the dancefloor.

Fourth rule, and I cannot stress this one enough.  I don't want to hear any fucking Christmas music until AT LEAST the beginning of December!  October is for Halloween music, December is for Christmas music, maybe you can throw on "Alice's Restaurant" around Thanksgiving, and the rest of the year should just be "normal" music.  If I have to listen to a fucking Christmas song the first week of November, I might just take a baseball bat to the speakers!

Fifth rule, and this one is just common courtesy, but it needs to be said.  If someone is already listening to music on a small radio, don't be a dick and set up a bigger radio on a different station right next to him.  It's just...  dude, seriously?

Sixth rule, pay attention to what you're actually playing.  Don't just set your app up to auto-play your favorites, and then walk away, not bothering to check what's actually playing.  True story, I had a coworker set up a large radio for the whole department, and somehow, after finishing a few decent songs, it started playing an audiobook of a biography of Julius Caesar.  At first, I didn't say anything.  I figured, he's going to come back and notice, right?  He's not going to let this whole thing play through, right?  Nope, it just kept playing.  By first break, I knew more about Roman senate proceedings than I ever cared to know.  By lunchtime, I was ready to stab the bastard myself.  Please, stick to music!

Seventh rule, when I'm playing music on a small radio, don't be that boss who, even though he can make a phone call from anywhere in the building, decides to come over and stand right next to me, start talking on the phone, and then ask me to turn down my music because he's on the phone.  I'm standing there thinking, "you know you could just go stand somewhere else, dipshit!"  Of course, I don't say that out loud, because I want to keep my job.  So I just say, "sure, no problem."  But come on!

Eighth rule, I know that some DJs like to make a big deal about Friday close to quitting time, and how excited we all are for the weekend to start.  But that is NOT the radio station you want to be playing for people who work weekend shift!  I worked late shift at this one place that had a seven-day work schedule for all employees, and every Friday, right as we were returning from first break, the DJ on the radio station that was being piped through the PA system would say, "IT'S FRIDAY!!!!" and start playing "Everybody's Working for the Weekend."  Don't add insult to injury!  It's bad enough we didn't have any nights off, but did we need to be subjected to this reminder that in a different reality, we were all going home to relax?

Nineth rule, stay away from those DJs who are just so in love with the sound of their own voice.  You know the ones.  They play five minutes of music, and then talk for ten minutes about nothing.  They laugh way too hard at their own jokes.  They throw in the same wacky sound effects over and over, like it's some form of obsessive compulsive disorder.  They have to play a doorbell, a trumpet, a clip from a movie from five years ago, and the mating call of a South American tree frog, in that order, exactly thirty-seven times, because somebody said the word "the."  They're the ones who take half an hour to tell a five-minute story about a pizza arriving late.  Nobody fucking cares!  Worst of all, are the ones who act like perverts, because they think it makes them edgy.  This ain't the 1980s, you ain't Howard Stern, and nobody fucking thinks you're edgy!

Tenth rule, if you get bad reception, just shut it off.  I'd rather listen to dead silence than listen to that intermittent on-and-off punctuated by static.  If I can only hear about a half-a-second of a song at a time, just...  stop.

How I would do a Universal Monsters Cinematic Universe

Following the box office failure of "Dracula Untold" and the critical and commercial failure of the Dark Universe's "The Mummy," I decided to try my hand at figuring out how I would like to see a rebooted Universal Monsters cinematic universe.  I won't go into details about the plots of each movie, because people familiar with the books and the old movies are already well-enough aware of the storylines.  So instead, I'll just focus on what types of changes and additions I would make.  Also, while I'll be focusing mainly on Universal monsters, I still want to incorporate some additional monsters from Victorian gothic literature and other iconic classic monster movies.

Maybe give the entire story some steampunk aspect, making it unclear exactly what time period is being depicted?  This would keep in line with the classic movies having some modern elements in the city scenes, but old-timey elements in the rural regions, plus play into the steampunk aspects seen in other monster movie reboots.

One of the main recurring themes, in keeping with the tradition of the original films, is that the monsters are clearly divided into "pure evil" (such as Dracula) and "sympathetic" (such as Frankenstein's Monster), or even "redeemable" (such as the Phantom of the Opera).  While the originals tended to follow the formula of "good human kills bad monster" or "sympathetic monster kills bad human, but is also himself killed," this series should start out in a similar way, but gradually shift toward the more modern formula of "good monster kills bad monster."

1:  "Frankenstein" - Open with a person watching a video of a Woody Woodpecker cartoon.  (This establishes the Universal brand.)  We learn that this is taking place on Captain Walton's ship in the Arctic, and that the expedition was commissioned by Elsa Frankenstein, who is searching for signs of her ancestor's lost experiment.  (Due to the cold weather gear, we don't yet get a clear view of Elsa's face.)  After seeing the grave of Victor Frankenstein, we cut to a flashback which tells the story of Frankenstein.

Victor Frankenstein needs fresh body parts for his experiments, so he enlists the help of an unscrupulous gravedigger, who at first is only seen in shadow.  He talks about how he sells stolen jewelry off the corpses, as well as bodies for experiments.  He steps out of the shadows to reveal a hunched back, and introduces himself as Igor.  (This helps to combine elements of both the original Universal's "Frankenstein" and "Son of Frankenstein.")

After the Monster escapes, we get the blind man scene from "Bride of Frankenstein," followed by his encounter with Dr. Septimus Pretorius, who convinces Victor to build a Bride for the Monster.  Pretorius demonstrates that he can create a cloned brain, but needs fresh body parts.  (Do not include the scene of the miniature people in jars, because that's just weird.)  Unbeknownst to Victor, Pretorius and Igor are murdering women to get these parts.  Soon after, the angry villagers attack the castle and lynch Igor, causing his neck to break.  The Monster, after being rejected by the Bride, realizes that Pretorius is evil and must die.  He destroys the entire castle.  Victor is cornered by a villager, but rescued by Igor, who survived his hanging albeit with an injured neck.  (This ties into both Igor as a person with a neck injury from a hanging in "Son of Frankenstein" and Igor as the retconned version of Fritz, the hunchback from the original "Frankenstein.")

At some point, the Monster is threated with "a nice good fire," to which the Monster responds, "Fire no good!  Fire bad!"  (This is a combination of the real quote "fire no good" from "Bride of Frankenstein" with the often misquoted line of "fire bad.")

Footprints reveal that the Monster has survived and is headed north.  Victor follows.  Later, when they meet in the Arctic, Victor is dying.  He finally gives the Monster his name:  Adam Frankenstein.  (This connects both to the theme of the Monster being called an "Adam" in the book, as well as the common mistake of the Monster being called "Frankenstein.")

Cut back to Walton's ship, as the frozen body of Adam is discovered.  Elsa, for the first time, removes her cold weather hood and visor to reveal that she is actually the Bride.  (This is a misdirect, seeming to reference the character of Elsa from "Ghost of Frankenstein," but also a nod to "Bride of Frankenstein" by having the Bride having the same face as the narrator.)  Elsa attaches a car battery to Adam's neck bolts, causing his eyes to open.  Cut to black and roll credits, possibly set to "Frankenstein" by Edgar Winter.

2:  "Dracula" - Basically, the story of Bram Stoker's Dracula, but with a few additional details:  Renfield is a central figure in Dracula's plans, as in the 1931 version, but it is clarified that Renfield is helping Dracula by getting himself admitted to the sanitarium which is on the same property as Mina's home, placing him in a position to "invite" Dracula onto the property.  The sanitarium is called "The Caligari Institute," (a subtle nod to "The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari").  One of the doctors who examines Renfield is introduced as Dr. Jekyll (his name is at first mispronounced, and he offers correction, referencing the fact that later Jekyll & Hyde films pronounced the name differently than in the original), who is fascinated by Renfield's apparently becoming more insane at night and more stable during the day.  Jekyll draws blood for his own research.  (This sets up a later Jekyll & Hyde story, but is also a reference to "House of Dracula," in which a Jekyll/Hyde-type character is affected by a small amount of vampire blood.)  Dracula first introduces himself to Dr. Seward, Mina and Lucy at a performance of Swan Lake (referencing the fact that music from Swan Lake was used as Dracula's theme in the early sound movies).  Quincy Morris plays a major role in hunting down Dracula, and uses a bowie knife that has been blessed by a priest and marked with sacred symbols (thus, resolving the problem of how Dracula, in the original novel, managed to be killed by a bowie knife).  In a flashback scene, we see that Dracula was the same person as Vlad the Impaler, but was raised from the dead and turned into the first vampire by Lilith.  Finally, we get some foreshadowing that Dracula has been preparing for some unspecified coming apocalyptic event, which would require him to have mastery over all forms of the undead.  Our only clue is a stolen Egyptian talisman that leads Professor Van Helsing to believe that the next clue is in Egypt (and setting up for "The Mummy").

3: "The Mummy" - Van Helsing travels to Egypt to find more information on Dracula's plan (stepping into the Dr. Muller role, thereby combining two similar characters both played by Edward Van Sloan).  The story more or less plays out identical to the 1932 version of "The Mummy," but with the addition that Imhotep resurrects his former servant, Kharis, to capture Helen Grosvenor, the reincarnation of Ankhesanamun (similar to Kharis's role in "The Mummy's Hand" and its sequels, and basically replacing the character of The Nubian).  Imhotep is defeated when Helen uses the talisman brought by Van Helsing to disintegrate Imhotep to dust, after having recovered her past life memories.  Kharis is apparently deactivated, but intact, and is later seen being shipped off to an Egyptian antiquities exhibit in America.  Unlike the original, however, Helen retains her past life memories, adopting a dual identity as both herself an Ankhesanamun with knowledge of Egyptian magic.  (The character of David, Helen's love interest, is superfluous to the story, and left out.)

4: "The Vampires" - A combination of "Dracula's Daughter" and "Son of Dracula."  Focus on Alucard's and Marya's different points of view, that Marya wishes to find a way to become fully human, while Alucard is content to remain a vampire, but avoid harming humans.  The main villain is Katherine Caldwell, who plots to seduce Alucard into turning her into a vampire, then betray and kill Alucard, living forever on the Caldwell estate.  An additional antagonist is Sandor, Marya's familiar who suspects that Marya's quest to become human will lead to her breaking her promise to turn him into a vampire.

Alucard's look should be reminiscent of the version from "Castlevania."

Marya's blood is analyzed by a chemist, Jack Griffin (replacing Dr. Garth), who attempts to understand how and why it doesn't seem to be visible in mirrors, remarking that it must have some unknown light refracting properties (implying that this is exactly what he is looking for in later becoming the Invisible Man).

Janet Blake (because Garth is absent) is more of a romantic paring with Marya.  In a dramatic scene, Janet asks Marya to turn her into a vampire, shifting the focus from Marya's search for a cure to her self-acceptance and romance with Janet.  Her transformation (set to "Total Eclipse of the Heart") is juxtaposed against Katherine's predatory and selfish reasons for wanting to be a vampire.

At some point, Marya reviews aliases she has used in the past, including Mavis, Lilly and Laura (referencing other version of Dracula's daughter from "Hotel Transylvania," "The Munsters," and "Monster High," respectively).

Maybe some reference to "London After Midnight?"

5: "The Invisible Man" - Definitely play up Griffin's role as a force of chaotic evil, possibly even anarchist.  Include the smoke effects from "The Invisible Man Returns."  As with the original, Griffin is killed, but his invisibility formula is passed to Geoffrey Radcliff, but unlike the original, Geoffrey is not cured of his invisibility, allowing future movies to feature Radcliffe as the recurring Invisible Man.

6: "The Wolfman" - More or less the same movie as the original, but with a greater focus on the full moon, and his ability to regenerate injuries which are not caused by silver.

(Maleva basically fulfills a similar role to Agent Coulson in "The Avengers," being the linking thread connecting the various characters together, which is appropriate, as she was the one who originally introduced two monsters together in "Frankenstein Meets the Wolfman.")

7: "The Monster Mash" - Open with a crowd in a Vaudeville theater watching Abbott & Costello performing their famous Baseball routine (an obvious reference to the fact that Abbott & Costello appeared in several monster and other Universal movies). 

Gustav Neiman (from "House of Frankenstein") is the main villain.  The monsters who team up against him include Lawrence (Wolfman), Alucard, Adam and Elsa (Frankenstein's Monster and Bride), Radcliffe (Invisible Man), and Kharis (Mummy).  (This is based on Gustav Neiman being the main antagonist in the first movie to feature Dracula, Wolfman and Frankenstein's Monster, but also fulfilling the original plan of including The Mummy.)

(The reason for using Alucard instead of Dracula, is so that Alucard can form a more positive relationship with the other monsters, while saving Dracula to return later as the main villain.)

At first, Adam is in a weakened state and having difficulty seeing (a reference to the monster being blinded in "Ghost of Frankenstein"), but is restored to full power after drawing energy from power lines.  (Possibly include a joke about the song "Puttin' on the Ritz," a reference to "Young Frankenstein.")

8: "Jekyll & Hyde" - Use the correct pronunciation.  Like the movies, show how Jekyll is losing control of Hyde.  Hyde should be a combination of a bully, a psychopath, a toxic male, and an internet troll (but in real life).  Make him misogynistic, racist, abusive to animals and children, etc., but not out of good faith, but rather out of a deliberate desire to harm and offend in every way possible.

When a maid is seen cleaning up, Poole refers to her as Miss Riley (a subtle reference to "Mary Riley").

Later, when Utterson and the police have Hyde cornered, he taunts them by stating that if he is arrested, he will eventually escape and hurt more people, and that the only way to prevent this is for Utterson to kill his friend Jekyll in cold blood, thus illustrating the point that being a psychopath is beneficial.  It's left ambiguous what Utterson does next, at least, until the sequel.

In a final scene, one of Hyde's victims, a handsome young man (later revealed to be Dorian Gray), gets back up, his seemingly fatal injuries quickly healing, and walks away as if nothing had happened.

9. "Dorian Gray" - (Technically, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" is not associated with Universal Pictures, but like Dr. Jekyll, he is part of the pantheon of Victorian gothic literature, and has made frequent crossover appearances with the other monsters, including "Penny Dreadful" and "The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.")

One point of difficulty in the adaptation is that modern audiences may find it difficult to relate to a character who's pansexual libertine lifestyle is perceived as a point of shame.  So to add contrast, Dorian should eventually be pitted against Sweeney Todd and Mrs. Lovett (two purely evil characters, also associated with Victorian-era penny dreadful stories).

An aging supermodel, Janice Starlin, remarks that Dorian never seems to age, and wishes she could say the same for herself.  She starts to tell that she has a scientist friend who is doing some new anti-aging research involving wasps, but she is interrupted.  (This is a reference to "The Wasp Woman.")

Unlike in the book, Dorian does not destroy the painting in the end, allowing him to return in later chapters.

Somehow, this connects back to Dr. Jekyll, who is shown in prison.  Knowing that Jekyll had once analyzed the blood of Renfield, Alucard, Lawrence and Adam arrive to question him.  Lawrence senses that Jekyll has a similar problem to his own, and wonders if they can learn to help each other.  (This is a reimagining of "House of Dracula," in which the main three monsters encounter Dr. Edelmann, who is an obvious pastiche of Dr. Jekyll.)  They also state that Elsa has been searching for Dr. Pretorius's and Dr. Frankenstein's notebooks, which were stolen years ago.  A clue leads them to Dr. Sigmund Walters in New York.  As they board the boat, Maleva reveals that she is helping "an old friend" escape from Paris, who is now hiding on the same boat.  Cut to a shadowy figure listening to the monkey music box from "Phantom of the Opera."

10: "The Phantom of the Opera" - The story more or less follows the original story, including the Persian, the scorpion/grasshopper switches, and other story elements often left out of movie and play versions.  We also get a performance of a scene from Faust.  A few specific changes are made, though, such as the inclusion of the half-face mask (mostly associated with the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical).  Play up the theme of Christine being entranced by her "angel of music," almost as if possessed by a spirit, even to the point of her seemingly controlled by the Phantom at a distance.  In one scene, several stage hands are sharing rumors they've heard about who the Phantom is:  one that he traded his soul and part of his face for musical talent, one that he had acid thrown in his face during a fight with the owners, one that he was burned in a fire caused by someone stealing his music, and one that he was an escaped circus freak.  (All of these are references to the various origin stories for the Phantom given in various other movies.)  Christine has had a long-standing relationship with Raul.  She tells the Phantom the story of how they first met when they were children, and he jumped into the sea to retrieve her lost scarf.  Some easter eggs are included among the various stage props, including three skulls and a pistol, a monkey music box, and previous versions of the Phantom's mask

At some point, after Christine has realized that the Phantom is no angel, he encourages her to write a song.  Later, when Christine has a big performance that could make her entire career, she chooses the song that she wrote.  The Phantom comments that it resembles a rock-synth fusion with a simple-but-catchy melody and a Pink Floyd-inspired leitmotif, and suggests that some heavy metal elements would give it extra power.  (Clever viewers will see where this is going.)  He does not attempt to improve upon the lyrics, because he says they are "from her heart and therefore perfect."  When it comes time for her performance, the song is revealed to be Andrew Lloyd Webber's "Phantom of the Opera" in the style of Nightwish.  (This is the only inclusion of music from the Webber play, thus making it more of a surprise reveal for the audience.)  Before the performance, the Phantom knows that he is walking into a trap, but goes willingly because "the show must go on."  Raul, although plotting to capture the Phantom, allows the performance to go on out of respect for Christine.

Later, sometime after his escape, someone suggests that the Phantom start a carnival in New York and call it "Phantasmagora," but the Phantom dismisses this as a really stupid idea.  (This is a joke at the expense of "Love Never Dies.")

Include some reference to "The Hunchback of Notre Dame."  (Also a French classic adapted by Universal Pictures.)

Possible inclusion of or reference to Sherlock Holmes.  (Holmes is also part of 19th-Century English Literature, and famously associated with Universal Pictures, and also has had multiple crossovers with the Phantom in later fanfic novels.)

11: "Jungle Woman" - Combining elements of both "Captive Wild Woman" and "Jungle Woman."

Note that when Paula first takes on human form, her appearance should be realistic.  (No makeup, no shaved legs, no perfectly styled hair, etc.)  Instead of standing silently, as in the original, Paula's movements should be more animalistic, including grunting, chest-beating and arm-flailing.

Definitely play up Paula's ability to control and/or communicate with animals, as well as her superhuman strength and agility.  (Instead of a brain transplant, Walters should use a brain-development formula adapted from Pretorius's notes.)

Her costume should at first be like the circus cape seen in "Captive Wild Woman," but later switch to a leopard skin (giving her a more jungle-themed look, while also calling back to Aquanetta's role in "Tarzan and the Leopard Woman.")

Instead of Beth simply opening the cage in Walters's laboratory, Beth releases Paula/Cheela from her cage in the zoo, and talks her into returning to human form to help her rescue her sister Dorothy.  Paula, in a dramatic scene set to the song "Welcome to the Jungle," summons the rest of the animals in the zoo to assist her and Beth.  (Leave out the part about Paula being jealous of Beth.)

As before, Walters kills Nurse Strand, before himself being killed by Paula, but just before dying Nurse Strand reveals that Pretorius's books are in the possession of Dr. Moreau on the Island of Lost Souls.

At some point, the Frankensteins use their electrical equipment to reactivate a recently-killed Paula.  (This is a callback to "The Jungle Captive," in which Paula is revived with Frankenstein-like electrical equipment.)

Whipple's Carnival also features Dynamo Dan (from "Man-Made Monster") as a performer, a display of the Golem of Prague, and Alraune ten Brinken as a jester-type clown performing under the name of "Mandrake."  They are only minor characters, but they will return for the finale.  ("Alraune" and "The Golem" are not Universal films, but they are part of classic/gothic lore.  While "Man-Made Monster" is a Universal film, it is more of a minor standalone film that was never intended to be part of a greater universe, and so it wouldn't be necessary to do a whole story.)  Dan's "attack" involves shooting bolts of lightning (rather than electrocution by direct contact), and Alraune is revealed to be a genetically-modified clone (rather than a reverse eugenics invitro-fertilization experiment).

12. "The Creature From the Black Lagoon" - Combine the stories of the original "Creature From the Black Lagoon" and "Revenge of the Creature," by having the first half of the movie be set in the jungle and the second half set in Miami, with the Gill-Man brought in as an exhibit (similar to "King Kong").  This will more quickly allow the Gill-Man to be closer to the rest of the action for later crossovers.

13. "Death Takes a Holiday" - Combine elements from "Death Takes a Holiday" and "The Seventh Seal."  (Another story not classically associated with Universal Pictures, at least until the remake "Meet Joe Black," but the gothic aspect of the Grim Reaper makes his story worth including.)  Duke Lambert agrees to play a game of chess with the Reaper, the terms being that if Lambert wins, he gains extra time, if the Reaper wins, Lambert dies, albeit delayed for the duration of the game, and the Reaper gets to take breaks and experience life as Prince Sirki.

From the Grim Reaper, we get an additional clue that more undead creatures are coming, and that Dracula's mastery of the undead is being threatened, which is why Dracula has been attempting to use Imhotep's magic.

14. "The Spider Woman" - Zenobia Dollard follows basically the same story as with "The Spider Woman Strikes Back," but her character is more of a complex strategist, in line with that of "Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman."  Give her a more ambitious and devious plan than poisoning cattle, but keep the primary motivation of her being bitter about the loss of her family lands.  Find a more plausible excuse for her to pretend to be blind.  Definitely include more spiders.

Combine several of Rondo Hatton's characters together, primarily as the Creeper (from "The Brute Man") but at some point, being sympathetic toward Paula, who has been taken prisoner (in a reference to "The Jungle Captive")

Possibly connect to Sherlock Holmes, thus combining elements of both "Sherlock Holmes and the Spider Woman" and "The Pearl of Death."

At some point, mention that the poison plants feed only on human blood, and that it is one of the only ones in existence.  They are safe to use, so long as the pods are not allowed to mature.  At the end, a Chinese man finds a piece of the plant with a pod starting to grow.  He mentions that he has a friend, Seymore, who works in a flower shop, and might be interested in buying the plant pod.  (This is a reference to "The Little Shop of Horrors.")

15. "The Island of Dr. Moreau" - (Although not technically a story associated with Universal Pictures, it does come out of the same genre of Victorian Gothic literature as the other classic horror stories, and it fits in neatly with the Jungle Woman storyline.)

Reveal that Dr. Moreau is the direct descendant of Dr. Pretorius.

Somehow, Dr. Frankenstein and Igor return, setting up the finale.

16. "The Phantom Creeps" - Should be more of an action movie (keeping in the style of the original), but keep the robot around for future movies.  Also, a more condensed story.

Zorka's body double to fake his own death should be prepared in advance (not a lucky coincidence as in the original).  The Z-Ray is a simple ray gun (not requiring gas to be released first).  The robotic spiders operate independently with stunning venom (not requiring a disc to be planted on the victim).  The robot is controlled by a VR headset and gloves (as opposed to having to watch through a peephole).

A submarine fight scene is included (as was foreshadowed in the original, but never realized).

17. "Man-Made Monsters" - An original story, but the title is a direct reference to "Man-Made Monster," and combining several of the "technological" monsters, and loosely based on Universal's unrealized intention of create a cinematic universe out of the later Universal-original monsters of the 1940s/50s.

A team-up of Zenobia and Dr. Zorka as the main antagonists, with the heroes being a team-up of Paula, Dynamo Dan (whose electrical powers have increased through experimentation), Creeper (after changing sides out of sympathy for Paula), and Gill-Man.  Include Alraune in a minor role, exploring her clone heritage (minor, because she is technically not Universal), and unusual luck abilities.

At some point, refer to Andre DeLambre's teleportation experiments, and the unfortunate results.  (This is an obvious reference to "The Fly."  While the Fly is typically associated with the mid-20th-century sci-fi-horror genre, a full-on "Fly" adaptation would not fit the overall theme, as it is neither classic gothic horror, nor a Universal property.)

Zorka is ultimately killed, but his robot survives to return for the finale.  Zenobia is defeated, but will return.

Somehow, in the end, the Gill-Man teams up with the other "classic" Universal monsters, Alucard, Lawrence, Adam, Elsa, Radcliffe, Kharis and Erik (the ones usually pictured on posters and merch together), as they learn of the returning of Dracula.

18."Halloween" - An original story taking place on Halloween night, and set partially in Salem, Massachusetts, and partially in Sleepy Hollow, New York.  This is to include traditional Halloween monsters not previously included or specifically associated with Universal, but ties in thematically with the connection between Halloween and Universal Monsters.  Include witches, ghosts, skeletons, the Headless Horseman, and Stingy Jack (who according to folklore, was the original "Jack" of the Jack-O-Lantern), but has now taken the form of a scarecrow with a Jack-O-Lantern head.

Include Irena Dumbrova, the were-panther.  (Based on "Cat People" and "Curse of the Cat People," in which Irena believes herself to be a were-panther, and its sequel, which is set in Sleepy Hollow and references the Headless Horseman, but also including elements of the remake version of "Cat People," in which Irena's transformation is real, not a delusion.)  This ties into the popularity of a cat-woman as a Halloween costume.  Possibly she also makes a reference to King Kong (referencing the fact that both "Cat People" and "King Kong" were produced by RKO Pictures).

The witches should be some combination of Wyrd Sisters from MacBeth, Wicked Witch of the West, Baba Yaga, the Gingerbread Witch from Hansel and Gretel, Salem witch lore, and the Evil Queen from Snow White?  Definitely include the flying broom, pointed hat, black cat, cauldron, eye of newt, cackle, and silhouette against a full moon.  Also, for the sake of cultural updating, include references and elements of Wicca and other modern forms of witchcraft.  Maybe include a nose-twitch in reference to Bewitched.  (Although there is no official Universal Monster witch, the Halloween-themes of most monster movies makes a traditional witch character seem conspicuously absent.  Witches have been either shown or eluded to in "Sleepy Hollow," and other magic-users are a part of "The Golem," "The Wolfman" and " White Zombie.")

Include a variety of ghosts, including some white teardrop-shaped ghosts as often seen in cartoons and decorations.  (Ghosts are often referred to in titles such as "Ghost of Frankenstein" and "The Mummy's Ghost," and are thematically associated with "The Phantom of the Opera," but literal ghosts tend to be absent from most Universal classic movies.)

Include an army of skeletons (in the style of "Jason and the Argonauts" or "Army of Darkness"), but also depict the skeletons as silly, cracking puns, and performing a song and dance number (drawing from Medieval artworks depicting happy dancing skeletons, as well as animations such as "The Skeleton Dance").

Include much of the history of Hallowe'en/Samhain, and particularly its Celtic roots and the colonial-era American origins of pumpkin-carving, apple bobbing, trick-or-treating, etc.

The Grim Reaper also makes an appearance giving vital information about the prophesized rising of the dead.

19. "The Boogeyman" - Some event causes the main cast of monsters to go up against the Boogeyman.

The Boogeyman's lair combines several disparate elements of boogeyman folklore.  The environment is confusing, with multiple stairways and doors against black backgrounds, and defying Euclidian geometry like an M.C. Escher painting.  Some of the doors are portals leading to children's beds and closets.  Other doors conceal rooms containing each person's worst fear (similar to the themes in "1984").  This is discovered when Frankenstein's Monster enters one of the rooms and suddenly finds himself trapped in a fire.

Maleva (speaking to Lawrence, Adam, Elsa, Kharis, Alucard, Marya, Radcliffe, Paula, Erik, Dan, Gill-Man, and the Creeper, with Zorka's Robot present) explains that the types of monsters that they are are born out of universal fears, making them "universal" monsters.  (This title/name drop is accompanied by the Universal logo theme music for dramatic effect.)  Later, when Lawrence goes to the prison to enlist the help of Mr. Hyde, Hyde dismissively remarks that he was "somewhere else" while Lawrence was putting together his little "Universal monster team."  (This is a subtle joke on the fact that the story of Jekyll & Hyde, while appearing in a Universal film during the silent era, was taken up by Paramount and MGM during the early sound era, and did not return to Universal until much later.)  Alraune, Dorian, the Witch and the Horseman join the group later on (again, playing on the fact that they are not, technically, Universal monsters).

The monsters realize that although they still don't know what exactly is going to happen, the prophesized event that will lead to a battle for undead supremacy is imminent.  Cut to a cemetery outside Pittsburgh, where part of a conversation is overheard:  "They're coming to get you, Barbara."  (This is, of course, a famous quote from "Night of the Living Dead," implying that the anticipated event is a zombie apocalypse.)

20. "Night of the Living Dead" - (Another movie not strictly associated with Universal, but included because zombies/ghouls are so often associated with other classic monsters.)

Dracula returns and wants to have dominion over the undead, seeing the ghouls as a threat to his human food source.  He uses the voodoo spells acquired from Murder Legendre to take control of the already soulless living dead, making them less like "Night of the Living Dead" and more like "Return of the Living Dead."  Alucard remarks that Dracula has caused a blurring of the distinction between ghouls and zombies.  (This is a joke on the fact that many people tend to get these two concepts mixed up and use the words interchangeably.)

Dr. Frankenstein, Igor, Imhotep and Zenobia all side with Dracula for various reasons.

Van Helsing leads a team of monsters to Dracula's Castle to defeat Dracula and his associates.  The team consists of Adam (Frankenstein's Monster), Elsa (Bride), Lawrence (Wolfman), Maleva, Kharis (Mummy), Aksanamun, Gill-Man (Creature), Radcliffe (Invisible), Alucard, Marya, Paula (Ape Woman), and Erik (Phantom), with some additional help from Dr. Zorka's Robot and Dynamo Dan.  (This puts all the Universal Monsters on the same team.)  Meanwhile, the zombies/ghouls are fought off by the Witch, the Headless Horseman, Dorian Gray, Dr. Jekyll, Mandrake, the Boogieman, and some of Dr. Moreau's creatures (all the monsters either not part of or only partially part of the Universal pantheon), and may feature some additional monsters only briefly seen or referred to, such as The Fly, The Golem, The Wasp Woman, The Fifty-Foot Woman, etc.

After defeating Dracula's team, the zombie apocalypse is thwarted by altering Dracula's voodoo curse in such a way that the Grim Reaper is empowered/authorized to put a stop to it, instantly killing all of the low-powered ghouls, and freeing the more advance ghouls (serving Dracula directly) from his influence.

This resolves the main conflict, but the newly expanded monster universe will carry on.

More Easter eggs:  Hill House ("The Haunting"), Bates Motel ("Psycho"), Ivan Igor's Wax Museum ("Mystery of the Wax Museum")

Possible references to:  Cthulhu, Godzilla, Gamera, Nancy Archer (The Fifty-Foot Woman), The Thing From Another World, Body-Snatchers, The Blob, The Beast from 20,000 Fathoms, War of the Worlds Martians, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir, Dr. Cyclops, Murder Legendere (White Zombie)

Some other things to include:  Some elements of Edgar Allen Poe?  Something involving Greek mythology, including the Cyclops, the Minotaur, the Sphynx, and finally, Medusa?  

Possibly references to the Son or Daughter of Jekyll/Hyde?  Does the Devil make an appearance, maybe making a Faustian deal?  Maybe include demons from folklore?  Something with living gargoyles?  Although I'd rather avoid including kaiju (as they tend to completely take over a story), there may be some subtle reference to "Frankenstein vs Godzilla."

If They Ever Make a Female James Bond

 If they ever make a female James Bond (which, if you're reading this in the future, maybe they have already, but never mind that), I have a few stipulations.  If you're a filmmaker, please consider!

1. Her name is Bond.  James Bond.  Don't try to "update" her by calling her Jamie or Jasmine or Jemimah or some shit.  Using "James" as a woman's name won't cause the end of civilization.

2. Don't try to "humanize" her.  James Bond is a super-cool, unflappable, invincible Mary Sue, and we like him/her that way!

3. Don't be afraid to use over-the-top villains, elaborate death traps, and crazy Q gadgets.  Remember, the Austin Powers movies were LOVINGLY making fun of the Bond cliches, not condemning them.  Bond movie tropes are silly, but we love them anyway.

4. This might seem obvious, but just in case you were considering otherwise, don't forget that James Bond is British!  (For the actor portraying Bond, I will accept Irish or Scottish, but the character is clearly English.)

5. Don't make her blonde!  Bond should be a brunette!

6. Don't forget the Walther PPK!

7. Don't forget the Aston Martin!

8. Don't forget the Rolex!

9. Don't forget the vodka martinis, shaken, not stirred!  (Or alternatively, bourbon.)

10. Don't forget the puns!  This means both sexual innuendos and witty one-liners after killing enemies.

11. Give Bond a nice plate of scrambled eggs.  We all know Bond loves some scrambled eggs!

12. Don't forget the Bond girls!  They're horny and they have silly names!  (But also, don't make a big thing out of the fact that this now technically makes her gay.  Bond's success with the ladies is a defining trait, and the same-sex-ness is only incidental.)

13. Don't do any of that press bullshit where you pat yourself on the back for how progressive you are for finally having a female James Bond.  And don't load the movie with a bunch of preachy bullshit about how woman are just as capable as men, that would have seemed revolutionary fifty years ago.  Just make the damn movie!

14. Don't forget to make the movie GOOD!  Don't make the movie suck!

15. Don't make it a reboot or offer any in-universe explanation as to why Bond is a different actor.  Just jump right into the action as if this has always been the same character.  In fact, I've got an idea for how the introductory scene should play out:

    Bond enters M's office and tosses her hat onto a hat rack.  Miss Moneypenny says, "James, there's something different about you."  (Pause for a beat.)  "Oh, I know," she says, "You went back to your original hair color."  Bond replies, "Yes, I felt that going blonde was too much of a departure from what I'd gotten used to.  Now I feel like my old self again."  This little joke is the one and ONLY acknowledgement of the fact that Bond is different in any way.

Weird things from the Eighties and Nineties that nobody talks about...

THINGS FROM THE 1980'S THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT:

Saxophones.  They were everywhere.  Rock bands had saxophone players.

Frusen Gladje.  That German ice cream in the impossible-to-open plastic space capsule.

Leftover 70s stuff.  All the brown, yellow and orange furniture and dinner sets that not everyone got rid of.

Obsession with computer chips.  They were like some kind of magic things that could apparently do anything.

Kids watching slasher movies.  In those days, "Rated-R" just meant "This is going to be some cool shit."  Seriously, they marketed Robocop and Rambo toys through Saturday morning cartoons.

Yuppies.  Those rich assholes who for some reason, we all loved to hate.  I mean, yes, we still do, but then, even more so.

1950s car nostalgia.  Maybe it was because so many people were driving tiny, cheap, fuel-efficient Japanese cars, that people were looking back so much at the "good old days" when cars had style.

Black and white checker and stripe patterns.  Put that shit next to some abstract sculptures, and people will know you're "classy."

Neon lights.  Neon lights had been around for a long time in bars and casinos, but for some reason, people suddenly noticed how cool they also looked in malls and homes.

High heels as a symbol of empowerment.  They make you look taller, and force you to walk loudly and with purpose.  Throw in a tight-skirted suit and some shoulder pads, and you're ready to take over a corporation.

Skinny ties with dark-colored shirts.  A drastic departure from the wide ties and light-colored shirts of the 70s.  People tend to forget that formalwear fashion changes just as often as casualwear.

People who can't figure out a Rubik's cube.  Movies and sit-coms made this out to be one of the great mysteries of the universe, even though it came with a solution booklet.

Nerds.  Sure, we talk about "geek" culture being everywhere these days, but back in the day, nerds were almost like a racial minority that Hollywood loved to show that they were cool with.  In fact, movie and television writers were so pro-nerd, that nerds could get away with being rude, pervy, socially-ambitious, harassing, misogynistic, petty, vindictive, arrogant, violent, sexually-predatory, and just all around toxic, but as long as they're wearing glasses and a pocket protector, it becomes "funny."

Disco hatred.  I can't think of any other genre of music that went so suddenly from being everywhere to being despised by everyone so quickly.  No one knows why.

Alternative and country hits.  You wouldn't think emos and cowboys would catch on with the mainstream, but quite a few of them managed to break through.

TV schedules.  From the 1950s to the 1990s, before streaming video, before TiVo, before most people owned VCRs with timers on them, it was actually considered "normal" to plan your entire week around what programs were airing at what times.  People's schedules were so strict, they treated watching "their shows" almost like a job.

Star Wars knockoffs.  Star Wars was a commercial success, so every hack movie writer said, "hey, I could probably do that!"

THINGS FROM THE 1990S THAT NO ONE TALKS ABOUT:

Rockabilly and swing revival.  There was a wave of old music styles trying to make a comeback, but these two kind of sort of gained traction for a while.  There were even several attempts to bring disco back.

Adult contemporary stations.  It used to be the "rule" that young people listened to new music, and old people listened to old music, but suddenly, there was a whole genre of new music targeted to older people.  Basically, take all the hallmarks of pop music and make it less poppy.

Macarena.  Interestingly, the dance that everyone know was similar to the dance from the music video, but not exactly the same.  Strangely, most of the "love" for this dance seemed to be sort of half-ironic.

Goth chicks.  Every show and movie had to have a goth chick.  They even tried to turn Rogue from X-Men into a goth chick.

Gender-neutral language.  Forget about asking people for their preferred pronouns.  The politically correct thing to do was to assume everyone was non-binary.

Political Correctness backlash.  One of the biggest stars in the country was Andrew Dice Clay, and his only schtick was the fact that he was (both in character and in real life) an asshole.

High heels as a symbol of oppression.  High heels, originally used by cavalry soldiers, became suddenly popular in the 80s as a sign of female empowerment, and then almost overnight, became despised as a foot-torture device that was probably invented by men to make women look like sex objects.  It was a changed worldview that seemed to come out of nowhere, but may be related to aerobics guys in the 80s wearing pink outfits, while they're younger brothers and sisters learned to see pink as "only for girls and sissies," making the color pink in the 90s not only gay for men, but insulting to women.

White suburban guys trying to be gangsta rappers.  There was a time when a white person trying to rap was seen as a joke that was so funny that movies and television couldn't stop making fun of the idea.

Don't Worry Be Happy.  That song was everywhere.

Brady Bunch reruns.  No one knows why, but for some reason, people on television couldn't stop referencing nostalgia for the Brady Bunch.  Maybe it's similar to young people in the 2020s praising "Full House" and The "Golden Girls."

What is the deal with thongs?  Like most things that had just come out, comics had to make fun of the idea.  One particular thing that happened, though, was that women started trimming their pubic hair smaller and smaller, down to just a landing strip.  Men, of course, didn't have this issue.  A few years later, when internet porn became easily available, it became common for both men and women to be seen completely shaved.  But because of this, there was a very brief window of time where pubic grooming was something that only women did, which is my men's pubic hair trimmers have to have macho-sounding names today.

Gigantic televisions.  Not only did it seem like everyone was getting a "big screen," but everyone on television couldn't stop talking about the awesomeness of the big screen, and more specifically, a "typical" guy thing.  They took up way too much room and had shitty picture quality.  You had to be sitting directly in front of them or else the image would look dark and faded.  And they often came with "surround sound," requiring large speakers to be placed around the room.  They went in a very short amount of time from a symbol of wealth and luxury to a must-have for every living room, and then almost overnight, became passe.

The letter X.  The term "Generation X" had been established since the 70s, but it wasn't really used by the mainstream until the 90s, when advertisers suddenly decided that it stood for "extreme," and started slapping it on everything.  Gen-Xers were suddenly being told what they were, which was apparently, a bunch of adrenaline junkies, and not at all a bunch disaffected of couch potatoes.  This marketing gimmick was probably thought up by the same people who invented sitting on chairs backwards.

My Predictions For The Future

 MY PREDICTIONS FOR THE FUTURE:

• All canned-goods will have pull tabs, and can-openers will no longer be sold or used.
• Neckties will fall completely out of fashion.
• Non-Jewish/non-Muslims will no longer get circumcised.
• CDs will stop being manufactured, and all new music will be available only in MP3 or vinyl.
• Pole-dancing will be a commonly accepted form of performance art, and no longer associated with strip clubs.
• Weddings will be replaced with small informal gatherings of friends for drinks to celebrate having just moved in together.
• Newer and better robots will be capable of performing more jobs, causing unemployment rates to skyrocket.
• Youth culture and generation labels will fall out of use, as society settles into a steady cultural routine.
• Remote work will make offices and cubicles obsolete, as well as seriously reducing the traffic problem.
• Superhero movies will fall out of fashion for a while, then make a comeback as a period genre set in an alternate version of the 20th century.
• Television broadcasting will come to an end as all programs switch to streaming apps.
• Sexual preference and gender identity will no longer be seen as important.
• Ranked-choice voting will become standard in most or all states.
• We will STILL not have flying cars.
• Daylight savings time will be discontinued, and standard clock apps will show both local and Greenwich time, so as to have a standard for international broadcasts.
• Improved efficiency in green technologies will cause environmentally-friendly energy sources to become cheaper than fossil fuels.
• It will become socially acceptable to dress in costume in public for no special occasion.
• Filmmakers will set movies in the twentieth century, but mix up the sequence of historic events (for example, depicting Richard Nixon as president during the Korean War).
• Virtual education will make conventional classrooms obsolete.
• Intentional communities based on economic and sociological ideologies will lead to the formation of secular cults.
• All dresses will have pockets.
• Increased use of vertical farming, and possibly the development of synthetic meats, will cause real estate values to plummet in agricultural regions.
• Genetically modified chestnut trees will reshape the North American landscape.
• Standard over-the-counter shampoos will contain newly-developed hair-restoration chemicals, making baldness extremely rare.
• Most people's living rooms will have chairs and couches facing the middle of the room, as opposed to facing any sort of entertainment center.
• Fast food places will continue to phase out fatty and sugary foods in favor of healthy meals.
• All transactions will be digital, and physical money will be of interest only to numismatists.

More predictions to follow.

Why Teenagers Are Always Pissed Off

I don't know why, but whenever we think back on what it was like to be a teenager, we always seem to remember that "we were such little assholes," and "we were pissed off at the world," (unless we're liars, in which case, we say, "I never acted like that when I was your age!"), but you know what we never seem to remember.  We never seem to remember WHY we were so angry.  For some reason, around the time we turn thirty, we retcon all our teenage memories into seeing ourselves as being completely irrational.  We blame ourselves, or we blame hormonal changes.  We even take a sort of pride in "look how much I've matured, because I'm not like that anymore."  Honestly, I think we're just roleplaying into the popular 20th-Century myth that young people always grow up to turn into their parents.  We say things like, "The older I get, the more I realize my parents were right about everything."  Bullshit!  Your parents weren't geniuses.  They were just repeating all the same garbage that their parents said to them.  And besides, if we never acknowledge where our parents were wrong, and how we can grow beyond them, then how the hell are we ever supposed to progress as a society?  You want to know the real reason why teenagers are always pissed off?  Because they should be!

First, let's look at the issue of personal space.  If you brought home a cat or a hamster, you'd want to make sure they have access to places to hide.  You know it would cause them extreme stress not to have a safe space into which to retreat from the world.  And yet, we can't seem to understand why teenagers get so pissed off when you enter their room uninvited or constantly knock on their bedroom door to bother them.  It's because human being need a personal safe space too!  Imagine this.  Imagine you just rented an apartment, and your new landlord decided that because he owns the building, he can just pop in whenever he wants to.  No invitation, no reason, no police officer holding a search warrant.  You could be out for the day, watching a video, playing a game, sleeping, jerking off, studying, creating art, emotionally decompressing while staring at the wall, whatever.  You wouldn't like it very much if you were constantly being interrupted by someone who felt they had the "right" to keep bothering you.  Why should the rules be any different for teenagers?

Second, teenagers, like most people, don't like being talked down to.  They're at the age where they're just beginning to attempt to act like adults, and it's a little hard to do so when you're constantly being reminded that you're just a kid.  If you're a mother, you probably thinks it's cute and sweet to excuse yourself by saying things like, "you'll always be my baby," and "mothers are supposed to be this way."  Well, it's not at cute as you think.  It's disrespectful.  Imagine anyone other than a parent saying this.  Imagine your boss or your best friend or a stranger on the street telling you that you're a "baby" in their eyes.  How un-cute does that sound?

Furthermore, nobody likes to be mansplained to, which is essentially what most adults do to teenagers.  If a teenager does attempt to contribute to the conversation in a mature and meaningful way, most adults tend to be very dismissive, as if whatever you're saying couldn't possibly have value coming from someone so young and inexperienced.  Picture this.  Imagine a same-age coworker has just made a suggestion, but the suggestion has certain flaws which make it impractical or whatever.  How to you respond?  Do you point out the fact that your coworker couldn't possible know what he's talking about, and then exclude him from the rest of the discussion?  Do you make him feel stupid for not knowing what a bad idea he just had?  No, you probably acknowledge his suggestion, offering constructive criticism and weighing the pros and cons of the idea, and maybe even finding a way to refine the idea into something actually workable.  Why don't we give the same respect to teenagers?

Third, and somewhat the opposite of the previous issue, is when adults raise their expectations of teenagers to the same level as they would have for an experienced adult.  Then, when the teenager screws up, as one does when one is given too much responsibility and too little preparation time, the adults express anger and disappointment with the results.  Going back to the workplace for comparison, imagine the supervisor has a job that needs to be done, and there are several experienced workers, and one new guy.  What does the supervisor, in any sensibly-run workplace, do?  He always gives the job to the most experienced worker, and tells the new guy to watch and see how the job is done.  Every time!  What he does NOT do, is put the new guy on a job by himself and hope he just automatically knows what he's doing.

It's easy to assume that certain tasks which we've been doing for years and years just comes naturally.  Things like defensive driving, tactful conflict resolution, time-management, prioritization, maintaining a tidy living space, eating a healthy diet, etc. are all things learned over time.  They don't come naturally.  What's the point of saying "clean your room," if you never showed them how to clean a room?  What's the point of telling them "don't eat too much junk food," if you never defined how much is too much?  If being a grown-up is a job, then teenagers are the new hires, and why the hell would you expect the new hires to know anything if you never show them?  Not tell.  Show!

Fourth, teenagers are at the age when they're just starting to take a serious interest in the world around them.  They're starting to understand political and social and economic issues for the very first time, and considering the state that the world is in most of the time, this can be shocking and overwhelming.  Then they look at the adults of the world, who seem to be either contributing to the problem or ignoring it altogether, just going about their tiny lives as if everything is fine, and they can't understand it.  They wonder how you can be so cavalier about living in a world that sucks so badly.  What they haven't figured out yet, and what you have never told them, is that you, as the adult, can't emotionally handle the state of the world, and this denial is your defense mechanism.  You want to change the subject, when what you should really be doing is showing them that you do care about the world, but you're just as powerless as they are to do anything about it, and so you've fallen into a sort of Camus-esque positive absurdism.  You've accepted that the world sucks, and that you can't do anything about it.  But here's the thing.  THEY haven't had time to accept it yet, and it's crazy to already expect them to.

Fifth, teenagers' lives revolve, more than anything else, around high school.  And this is an important thing to know:  High school sucks!  We treat the modern western education system as if it were normal, but it's a relatively new concept.  High schools, as we know them today, didn't really exist until about the 19th Century, and didn't become common until well into the 20th Century.  Before that, most schools were to teach little kids basic reading and writing, after which, they'd go back to work on the family farm, or become an apprentice to a craftsman, or if they were from a wealthy family, get a private tutor to prepare them for a university education.  They'd be spending most of their time around adults, learning how to act like adults.  In high school, however, you're basically taking a bunch of people sorted by age and sticking them in a building together for most of their time, creating an artificial social environment completely unlike the outside world.  (Is it any wonder so many sixteen-year-old boys think it's "mature" to act just like a seventeen-year-old-boy?)  On top of that, the schools themselves focus way too much on school tradition and conformity, and not enough on actual preparation for life.  What's the point of the pep rally?  Why spend more time learning a very niche topic like trigonometry than learning something as practical as industrial arts or home economics?  What's with the dress codes and uniforms?  And what's with that weird learning schedule:  A gym class in the middle of the day, breaking up lessons in one topic with lessons in different topics, those three months off in the summer to prevent the poor kids from outperforming the rich kids while their families are on tropical vacations.  That ridiculous grading system.  The obsession with school dances.  And in the inner cities, the prison-like searches and shakedowns.  It's like someone threw every possible bad idea into one big bowl, and high school was the result!  And teenagers are supposed to be judged primarily on their adherence to all this bullshit?  Why wouldn't they be pissed off?  I'd be disappointed to have a kid in school who WASN'T a rebel!

Sixth, teenagers hate, and rightly so, when adults try to "relate" to them.  From a teen's perspective, they're inexperienced human beings trying to figure out how to function in a grown-up world that doesn't respect them.  But to the marketing gurus of the media, teenage life is all about one thing:  Fashion!  Every generation has that batch of hip slangs and latest clothing and music trends that adults, for some reason, think defines a generation, and that the teens themselves just cringe as the thought of.  (I'm dating myself here as a Gen-Xer, but I remember being a teen and seeing the "cool" adult with a pair of sunglasses, saying things like, "I'm a rad dude," and then turning his chair around backwards, and just thinking to myself, "Seriously????")  The media creates a mythology where teenagers are all about being part of the group by acting, talking, and dressing a certain way.  The real pain in the ass is that you can't even get out of it.  The advertiser says, "You want to wear the blue jacket, because all the cool kids wear the blue jackets."  You say, "Fuck you, I'll wear the green jacket just to show you that I'm not stupid enough to wear what you tell me to wear."  The next day, the same advertiser says, "All the cool kids are wearing the green jacket!"  And then you're like, "Ughhhhhhhhh, I can't win!"  They put you in a box, you break out of the box, and they just change the box so that you're still in a box.  You can't escape the narrative.

Seventh, let's talk about sex.  Has there ever been a truly honest form of sex education directed at young people?  Certainly none that I've seen.  When you're a teenager, you're at the age when you're starting to deal with the emotions of relationship issues, and except for basic biology, nobody seems to want to tell you anything about how to deal with this.  Adults cringe and stammer through the attempt.  Porn is bullshit.  Rom-coms are bullshit but in a different way.  And your friends, especially the ones who pretend to know what they're talking about, don't know any more than you do.  Hell, most of the sex-ed teachers in school aren't even trained in teaching sex-ed.  They're just whoever was available.  (Did you know you're not supposed to put oil-based lube on a latex condom?  I'll bet the football coach forgot to mention that.)

Also, keep in mind that all these things I'm describing herein are just the baseline.  Now imagine a REAL problem thrown on top of all this other bullshit.  Maybe a death in the family, an addiction, abuse, disease, an existential or religious crisis, or maybe something simpler than that, maybe you just had a falling out with your best friend, or your crush turned you down.  How the hell are you supposed to deal with real shit, if you're constantly being forced into the same old box, and having all your problems dismissed as just "teen angst?"

And finally, the biggest problem that teenagers have to deal with.  Teenagers are terribly inexperienced at expressing complex emotions.  And why wouldn't they be?  They have no conscious memory of the first five years of their lives, and the next six or seven years were probably spent watching cartoons or something.  Most teenagers have only been dealing with their own deeper emotions for about five or six years.  Add to that the difficulty in regulating expression without a fully-formed prefrontal cortex.  So what happens when your parents, teachers, therapists, or whoever asks you "what's the problem?"  Well, you don't know what the problem is, and even if you have a vague idea, you probably wouldn't be able to put it into words.  I'm reminded of the Harlan Ellison short story "I Have No Mouth And I Must Scream."  That's basically what it feels like to be a teenager.  It means dealing with everything I just listed above, and then, NOT KNOWING HOW TO EXPRESS HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT IT!  Is it any wonder that teenagers always feel like nobody gets them?  Why they get so frustrated when their parents or teachers don't seem to understand why they're angry?  Why they so obsessively latch onto the first person who kind of sort of understand what they're going through?  Why they rely so heavily on symbolic gestures to express themselves?  Why they give such nothing answers when asked what's wrong?  Why they need so much alone time when they're upset, instead of talking through their problems like adults?  Or why they spend so much time "distracting" themselves with brainrot content, or worse, chemicals?  They want to be heard.  They want to be understood.  They want empathy.  They want validation.  And what do they get instead?  "Oh, you're just going through a phase."

Yes.  It is a phase.  But it's not the teenagers' phase.  It's the phase of the way we relate to (or fail to relate to) teenagers.  And it makes no sense.  Because we all went through the same phase, one way or another, and somehow, in defiance of all sanity or logic, have managed to forget the sources of the frustration, and remember only the bad attitude.  Maybe we all need to remember what it was like before we did the thing we refer to as "growing up."

The Academy - An Educational Video Game Proposal

The Academy:  A free-to-use educational video game designed to teach a K-12 equivalency.

This is an idea I had recently as an alternative to conventional education.  First, let's look at the problems with conventional education.  In a traditional school, students are limited by weather conditions, teacher strikes and the odd pandemic, plus summer breaks, all of which create a disruption to the flow of education.  A video game can be played anytime or anywhere.  In a traditional school, classes are rigidly scheduled, with some students outperforming others within the same time frame.  This means that some students may be promoted to the next grade with a full understanding of what they were taught, while others only understand about seventy or eighty percent of the lessons, but still end the semester on schedule, and get promoted without a solid foundation for the next set of lessons.  If a student misses a day of class, that student misses the lessons for that day.  If a student is more adept at learning certain subjects in the morning, while others are more alert in the afternoon, the lessons are taught on the same schedule for the entire class regardless.  Video games, on the other hand, are played in a continuous stream on the player's schedule.  Players may take as much or as little time as is needed to master a particular level.  In a traditional school, there could be scheduling conflicts with the parents' work schedules, whereas video games have no such limitations.  Traditional schools have a tendency to focus too much on conformity and promoting a school culture, and too little on the lessons themselves.  Traditional schools can create an uncomfortable environment, almost factory-like or prison-like in some cases, as well as allowing for often toxic social environments, all of which can distract from the learning process.  Video games can be played in a relaxed and comfortable environment with as much or as little social interaction as the player wishes.  Traditional schools can often be slow to update lesson plans, sometimes teaching outdated misinformation or often teaching useless information.  Online video games can be upgraded frequently, keeping up with the latest discoveries.  Traditional education is costly, requiring building maintenance, bussing, lunch programs, books and other supplies, salaries, utilities, etc.  Video games require only a server and bandwidth.

Admittedly, there are some disadvantages to video game learning.  Traditional schools have labs for teaching chemistry and workshops for teaching industrial arts, whereas a video game would not.  I haven't yet figured out how to deal with this issue, but hopefully, I or someone else will find a solution to this problem before the game is actually developed.  Disclaimer, I am neither a video game developer nor an educator, but I do think this has the potential to be a great idea once the details have been worked out.  In the meantime, I intend to plan for the game to include courses that would normally require lab work in anticipation of solving the issue at a later time.

The game should be a 3-D environment, where players can switch between first and third person view, play as a customizable character, and explore freely.  The overall look of the game should be a mix of different styles and time periods, including Ancient Greek, Egyptian, Victorian, Renaissance, Medieval, etc.  Players start in "The Village," where they learn fundamentals such as reading and writing, counting, shapes, manners, safety, hygiene, arts and crafts, and general knowledge.  Near The Village, and in the approximate center of the game map, is "The Graduation Circle," which shows six color-coded obelisk-shaped progress bars in the following categories:  Mathematics (blue), Culture (purple), Wellness (red), Communication (yellow), General Knowledge (orange), and Life Skills (green).  Completion of courses and challenges result in points being awarded, and each progress bar increasing, with some courses awarding points in more than one category.  Opposite the Graduation Circle is "The Academy," which is unlocked after completion of The Village lessons.  Inside The Academy is a lower level for all the elementary-level lessons, and an upper level for all the more advanced lessons.  Also included in The Academy are a workshop, a gymnasium, a map room, and a library.  In a central location in the Academy, there should be a progress flowchart showing which courses require which prerequisites and so forth.  Beyond The Academy is The Forest, for teaching wilderness survival skills, and The Road, for teaching driver's education.  Adjacent to The Academy is a large area known as The Training Grounds, where players apply their newly acquired knowledge in interesting ways.  The game is completed when all six progress bars reach 100 points, with six bonus levels for elective courses, one for each category.  Additional locations should be included as "field trips" through the use of portals, where a visual representation of the subject of study would be useful.

Teachers and other non-player-characters should be based on historic figures (for example, Pythagoras teaching the Pythagorean Theorem).  Lessons should include voice-acting as well as text, to accommodate both vision and hearing-impaired players, and should be available in multiple languages.  Characters should, to some degree, and as much as is possible based on what is known, to reflect the personalities and backgrounds of the historical figures on which the characters are based.  I'm not sure what the legal requirements are for more recent figures, but hopefully, the owners of the estates of any historical figures depicted in the game would consent to their likenesses being used, considering that the game is for educational purposes.  I would be hesitant, however, to include depictions of any living person.

The classes taught in The Academy's Level One should cover heath and fitness, logic, arithmetic, grammar, general knowledge, additional life skills, typing, geography and history.  Level Two should cover algebra and geometry, physics, chemistry, astronomy, sex education, driver's education, industrial arts, psychology, probability and statistics, civics, economics, home economics, philosophy, world history, comparative religion, earth science, public speaking, arts and music, classic literature, self-defense, style and grooming, meditation, information technology, composition, sales and negotiation, mythology and folklore, and wilderness survival.  A second language course and a local history course should be included, with multiple options for language and locality.  Upon completion, elective "bonus" courses should be made available including trigonometry and calculus, third language, motorcycle or truck driving, more intensive history, additional literature, and sports and games strategies.  Courses should not be organized into grades-levels, but rather taught on a continuum.  Players should learn each subject to completion, as a person would learn job-training or a new hobby.  Some classes would need to be taught in a particular order (for example, learning arithmetic before learning economics), but others could be taught in any order (for example, learning painting before or after learning typing).

With no final decisions made yet, here are some suggestions for characters to act as instructors:  Science teachers may include Aristotle (logic), Albert Einstein (physics), Maxwell Planck (quantum mechanics), Dimitri Mendeleev (chemistry), Charles Darwin (evolution), Gregor Mendel (genetics), Henry Gray (anatomy), Nicolaus Copernicus (astronomy), Jacques Cousteau (oceanography), and others in order to both present the connection between discovery and discoverer, providing historical context, but also to include an element of history with the science lessons.  Mathematics teachers may include Euclid (geometry), al-Kwarizmi (algebra), Blaise Pascal (probability), Pythagoras (trigonometry), Isaac Newton (calculus), Plato (western philosophy) and others.  The role of the Librarian may be Melvil Dewey, introducing important works of literature presented by their individual authors.  History teachers may include Herodotus and H.G. Wells, alongside various historic figures discussing the events of their respective times. Art and music styles may be taught by various painters, sculptors, composers, choreographers, etc. from history.  Other important figures who may be included as instructors:  Emily Post (manners), Karl Benz (driver's education), Sigmund Freud (psychology), Charles Atlas (physical education), Dr. Ruth Westheimer (sex education), William Shakespeare and Konstantin Stanislavski (theater arts), Daniel Boone (wilderness survival), Christopher Nathan Sholes (typing), Samuel Morse (Morse code), Bruce Lee (self defense), Henry Heimlich (the Heimlich maneuver), Samuel Johnson (English spelling and grammar), the Brothers Grimm (European folklore), Gerardus Mercator (geography), Aesop (fables), and many others.

As for the lessons themselves, as I said, I'm not a teacher myself, and I haven't been to school in a very long time, so I don't know what the latest changes in the curriculum are, but I do have a few suggestions based on things I was taught in school which I have since learned to be either untrue or unnecessary.  For one thing, cursive writing was expected from an early age, but later on, was considered unnecessary and even discouraged.  I would suggest that cursive writing be taught as a part of art class, rather than as an actual writing lesson.  In arithmetic, I was taught division with "remainders," and then afterward, taught fractions.  It seems logical to me that fractions and division are the same thing, and the symbol for division (the line with two dots) is never used in algebraic writing.  So it would make more sense to me to teach a single fractions/divisions lesson, and leave out the remainders.  This would also eliminate the need for PEDMAS order of operations, which also becomes irrelevant when students move onto algebra.  Also, a lot of historic teachings are essentially myths which are later debunked, such as teaching in elementary school that Columbus discovered the world was round, and high school teaching that he did not.  I would say to skip the myth, teach the facts first, and then as an additional note, explain that some fictionalized versions of such stories exist in literature.  I think that writing should focus more on clarity than on pedantry, and that rules pertaining to split infinitives or avoiding prepositions at the end of sentences are unnecessary.  I realize that modern sex education is a lot more inclusive these days than it was when I was in school, but I would stress the importance of including important elements such as the use of safe words before beginning roleplay, safety precautions before engaging in BDSM, honest communication in the intent of a relationship, and of course, to avoid imposing parochial moral views in what should be an academic discussion.  Another issue I had with my own education was that I was taught many things that were never useful to me in life, such as trigonometry, but was not taught things that would have been very helpful, such as psychology and logic.  I have heard that many school nowadays have revised their curricula, making advanced math courses an elective, and teaching more practical courses, but I wanted to make sure to underline this point.  Finally, I think that it would be important to go back and review previous lessons from time to time in order to keep players' skills sharp.  This can be done by having recurring challenges in the Training Grounds that require the use of knowledge gained in early lessons.

Ideally, a person having completed the entire game would have learned the equivalent of a full generalized education without the need for conventional classrooms or class schedules, and be able to easily pass any high school equivalence testing.  Furthermore, upgraded games using the same or similar design could be used in the future for college-level courses or specialized career training.  Granted, a virtual education may not be suited for everyone, but having at least one alternative such as this one to conventional education, I believe, will improve the overall education of society and be a great benefit to many people.