If they ever make a female James Bond (which, if you're reading this in the future, maybe they have already, but never mind that), I have a few stipulations. If you're a filmmaker, please consider!
1. Her name is Bond. James Bond. Don't try to "update" her by calling her Jamie or Jasmine or Jemimah or some shit. Using "James" as a woman's name won't cause the end of civilization.
2. Don't try to "humanize" her. James Bond is a super-cool, unflappable, invincible Mary Sue, and we like him/her that way!
3. Don't be afraid to use over-the-top villains, elaborate death traps, and crazy Q gadgets. Remember, the Austin Powers movies were LOVINGLY making fun of the Bond cliches, not condemning them. Bond movie tropes are silly, but we love them anyway.
4. This might seem obvious, but just in case you were considering otherwise, don't forget that James Bond is British! (For the actor portraying Bond, I will accept Irish or Scottish, but the character is clearly English.)
5. Don't make her blonde! Bond should be a brunette!
6. Don't forget the Walther PPK!
7. Don't forget the Aston Martin!
8. Don't forget the Rolex!
9. Don't forget the vodka martinis, shaken, not stirred! (Or alternatively, bourbon.)
10. Don't forget the puns! This means both sexual innuendos and witty one-liners after killing enemies.
11. Give Bond a nice plate of scrambled eggs. We all know Bond loves some scrambled eggs!
12. Don't forget the Bond girls! They're horny and they have silly names! (But also, don't make a big thing out of the fact that this now technically makes her gay. Bond's success with the ladies is a defining trait, and the same-sex-ness is only incidental.)
13. Don't do any of that press bullshit where you pat yourself on the back for how progressive you are for finally having a female James Bond. And don't load the movie with a bunch of preachy bullshit about how woman are just as capable as men, that would have seemed revolutionary fifty years ago. Just make the damn movie!
14. Don't forget to make the movie GOOD! Don't make the movie suck!
15. Don't make it a reboot or offer any in-universe explanation as to why Bond is a different actor. Just jump right into the action as if this has always been the same character. In fact, I've got an idea for how the introductory scene should play out:
Bond enters M's office and tosses her hat onto a hat rack. Miss Moneypenny says, "James, there's something different about you." (Pause for a beat.) "Oh, I know," she says, "You went back to your original hair color." Bond replies, "Yes, I felt that going blonde was too much of a departure from what I'd gotten used to. Now I feel like my old self again." This little joke is the one and ONLY acknowledgement of the fact that Bond is different in any way.
