Everyone hates hecklers... except for themselves. There is much discussion as to how to deal with them. As a stand-up comedian, I have noticed seven distinct types of hecklers:
1) DRUNKS - The basic drunk is by far, the most common type of heckler. In the drunks' minds, there is no show going on. It's just a big party, and for some reason, that guy with the microphone keeps dominating the conversation. They don't want to hear you satirize politics or make whimsical observations about relationships. They want you to party with them. Their favorite joke goes something like this: "YEEEEAAAHHHH!!!!!" The best way to deal with the drunks is to yell "yeeaahhh!" back at them just enough to placate them, and then say, "All right, that's enough, now back to my story..."
I have noticed that drunks tend to live in an alternate reality where completely different rules of social conduct apply. Take dance clubs for example. If you're on the dancefloor barely moving, sober people think you're very cool and in control, and drunks think you're too shy or uptight to bust loose. On the other hand, if you throw your body around wildly, lacking any semblance of coordination or regard for others' safety, sober people think you're an asshole, but drunks think you're "the life of the party." But I digress.
One good thing about drunk hecklers, however, is that if they completely ruin your show, you can easily beat the shit out of them afterward, because their reflexes are are so slow.
2) CHATTERS - These people are absolutely convinced that they are invisible. They hate it when the noise of jokes and laughter interfere with their conversations with the people sitting next to them, or worse, on the cell phone. Phrases like, "turn your phone off," "respect the other patrons," or "hey you, shut the fuck up already," are completely wasted on them, because they're sure that these requests are directed at somebody else. If you point directly at them and call them out, they look behind themselves to see who you're talking to. And if you are so bold as the actually get down off the stage, walk over to their table, and tap them on the shoulder, they look shocked, as if you had just stepped out of the TV screen into their living room, and then become offended as if you're making them participate in an enviroment they wanted to exist independently from. My best recommendation for dealing with the chatters is to simply shoot them, because anything less will not be effective.
3) HELPERS - Apparently, nobody explained that stand-up comedy is not a collaboration. These are the people who shout out their own punch lines to your jokes. If you try to explain that you already had a punch line, they usually say something like, "Oh, I didn't know you thought of that. I was just trying to help you out." I wonder what sort of comics these people expect to see, who walk onto the stage, say a setup to a joke, and DON'T have a punch line in mind. I don't claim to be the greatest comedian of all time, but seeing as how I've been working on this routine for several months, and this person only heard the setup a few seconds ago, I'd say it's a pretty fair chance that the punch line I thought of is better than the one he came up with.
Of course, there are exceptions. I once did a joke making fun of the phrase "essential oils." What's so essential about them? I asked (rhetorically) what kind of oil is essential. Some person in the back yelled "butt lube!" I was slightly annoyed, but I had to give credit, because it was way funnier than what I was about to say, which was "motor oil." But please, keep in mind that this was the ONE time someone shouted a punch line that was better than mine. Every other time, the audience's contribution wasn't as good.
The best way to deal with the helpers, is to just tell them flat out that you don't need help from them. Nine out of ten times, they'll listen.
4) TROLLS - This is what most people think of, when they hear the word "heckler." These people don't care who is on stage or what the joke is. They just come in with the mind set that at regular intervals, they're going to yell the most brilliantly crafted zinger ever conceived by man, which is usually something like "you suck." You can try to insult them back, but as long as the show is about them and not you, they're winning. The best course of action is to have a bouncer escort them out. Don't try to outwit them. It's like trying to play chess with a wolverine.
One thing a lot of comics say to do is to call the troll up on stage. I think this is just plain stupid. The theory is that a troll, when put on the spot, will suddenly become shy and self-concious, despite the fact that up until now, they've been trying to be the center of attention. If you call a troll up on stage, they'll feel so good about themselves just for having the honor of being in a spotlight for a few moments, that they'll be talking about it for years to come. I cannot stress this enough. Calling them on stage to shut them up DOES NOT WORK.
5) CATCH-PHRASERS - I have tried and tried, but I just can't understand what goes on in the minds of these people. These people usually have a favorite personal catch phrase which they think is hilarious to yell out, usually as an indication that they like something. I have heard "oo-wee," "mucket," and most bizarre of all, "sweet berry wine," called out repeatedly throughout the course of a show. I suppose they're expecting the same type of recognition as Arnold Schwarzenegger gets when he says "I'll be back," but it's just not the same coming from someone we've never heard of, repeatedly, without any context, and during someone else's show.
Another variation of the catch-phraser is the person who quotes related catch phrases, almost like some sort of psychotherapy word association. The worst part is, they actually enjoy the show this way. I once did an open mic during which I didn't even have to get through a setup. I could say anything, regardless of whether it was a joke or not, and this one woman in the front row would enthusiastically yell out something related. If I started a joke with "I saw a cat," she'd yell "here kitty kitty," and be perfectly happy with this as a form of live entertainment. After this sort of thing happing several times, I started to tell a joke about McDonalds, to which she cheerfully sang "Have it your way!" I paused, looked her square in the eyes, and said, "That's BURGER KING, you idiot!" It shut her up... for a minute.
Honestly, I don't know what's the best way to handle these people, other than having a friend in the audience walk over and smack them.
6) TOPIC SUGGESTERS - There is a huge difference between stand-up comedy and improv theater, and these people can't seem to figure out the difference. They apparently think that we comics walk onto stage with no plan, but have the ability to make up a complex funny routine about any subject on the spot. I once did a routine about the Declaration of Independence. (Admittedly, not my best routine.) Anyway, while I was doing this set, one person in the back shouted "World of Warcraft!" Did this person honestly think that I was going to suddenly stop doing a routine about the Declaration of Independence, and jump into an equally funny, if not better routine about World of Warcraft? Did this person think I was a human television, and that it was somehow possible to change my channel? The way I figure it, this person either thought I could make up a routine on W.O.W. on the spot, or else thought I had a W.O.W. routine ready to go, just in case someone asked for it.
I probably could have said, "I'm sorry, but I don't have a joke about World of Warcraft," which would have made these people think I was an inadequate comic, not being prepared for every possible, albeit improbable suggestion. But instead, I just got pissed off and yelled at the guy. To this day, I don't know why it pissed me off that much.
7) CRITICS - Very straightforward. If they don't like something, they tell you why they don't like it right in the middle of the show. It's as if in their minds, the show hasn't started yet, and they're just there to help you rehearse. In these cases, I suggest politely saying, "Hold your suggestions and comments until after the show has finished." Then when they come to you after the show to give you notes, I suggest stabbing them.
The most frustrating critics are the ones who have NEVER done stand-up before in their lives, but somehow, know EVERYTHING about how to do it. If you suggest they try it at an open mic to test their theories, they always say they'd be too shy to get up on stage. Apparently, they think that the only difference between a professional comedian and everyone else is a lack of shyness, but the understanding of writing material, timing, delivery, etc. are all common sense. I've heard some of the WORST advice from non-comedians, like "sing country songs in the middle of your act," or "talk about the worst you've ever been injured," or "try to find a way to make having a dog relateable to people," or "the audience wants to know what you were doing BEFORE you saw the bear; how about you were looking for your grandmother's missing foot."
?) MISCELLANEOUS - Ever have a guy walk up on stage during your set, and ask if he could try on your shirt? It happened to me once, and I had no idea how to respond. (To be fair, it was a very nice shirt.)
